I'm at a loss and don't know what to do

[Svenska85]

My DD with BPD traits is 19 years old. She also has anxiety and depression.  Her dad and I are together and we all live together in a small home.  We love our DD but don't like her behavior sometimes.  For a long time, I have walked on eggshells trying to keep her happy and to keep her from running away, raging, or threatening suicide.  I have been too understanding of her challenges and I've let her off the hook on a lot of stuff. 

We don't require much of her and I don't tell her how I feel when she offends me.  I drive her around because she doesn't want to get a driver's license even though we gave her a car and agreed to pay the insurance.  She sleeps all day unless I wake her up.  She spends her time taking baths, watching TV, and going on the Internet.  Her room is a giant science project and she refuses to clean it.  I've been afraid to kick her out because of her BPD, so her room stays the same.  She recently started taking one class at college and just got a part-time job so I hope that will keep her busier. I realize that not requiring much of her is not helping her or me.  I know that I've contributed to the problem but I want to change.

Today I called her on taking all the hot water for her shower when she knew I had to shower after her.  This has been a problem for years.   I told her that it was rude of her to take all of the hot water and that she was selfish and self-centered.  My DD just sat there and said nothing.  She never apologized and decided to leave and stay at a friend's tonight.  In fact, she rarely apologizes for anything.  Is that a BPD thing?

Even more frustrating is that my DD doesn't want treatment for BPD even though I've bent over backwards offering to take her to any treatment and we live near the area where DBT was developed.  We have a ton of resources here.  She sees a counselor once a week, but I don't think my DD will learn new things unless she starts also seeing someone who specializes in BPD.  What do you do if your loved one won't seek help?  What can I do to change the way I'm reacting to my DD so that things can get better? 

Any help is appreciated!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BioAdoptMom3]

One thing I think I would do is to talk with the counselor and ask her (or him) if he or she can suggest to your DD that she see a doctor for the possibility of being prescribed medication.  If she has depression and anxiety, and most BPD sufferers do, medication for that will help a great deal.  My DD14 is on Prozac and Abilify and we really noticed a big difference in her frequency of mood swings and her ability to recover much more quickly from her anger and disappointments starting the day after she began taking it!  What you did tonight I think was a major step.  Our DD was hospitalized last week for a few days and one of her therapists told us that she actually looks for the security of hearing no once in awhile and having to ask before she does something.  He also encouraged us to say "yes, you can do such and such after you do... . ".  I know your DD is an adult, but if she is going to live with you, you are perfectly entitled to give her some rules and guidelines.  With BPD patients it is usually recommended that we validate their feelings before we share how we feel about their behavior.  Something like "I know you enjoy your showers."  "I do too".  "However when you take such long showers it uses most or all of the hot water and I need it for my shower."  ":)o you think you could help me out by limiting your showers to 10 minutes each time?"  There are lots of good and very helpful resources on this board for dealing with children who have BPD! 

I totally understand "walking on eggshells"!  DH and I are working hard in trying to avoid that now as we have been doing it for way too long too!

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Svenska85,  

Is your dd diagnosed? If so, does she accept the diagnosis?

Here is a couple of interesting videos on how to help a loved one seek professional treatment:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdVj8gXsETs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppculi-Os2g

Let us know what you think.

It's good to hear that your dd is at least taking a class and now has a part-time job. Having some requirements for her is a very good idea. However, you will have to take it sloowly. Too much drastic change would probably be overwhelming and ultimately not productive.

Persons w/BPD often feel ashamed, worthless and defective. That makes them depressed and takes down their energy and motivation. They simply get beaten down and discouraged so much easier than healthy people.

And - yes - apologies are rare in many people w/BPD. Either they are not able to accept that they have done something wrong (it would feel horrible), so there's nothing to apologize for, or they get so ashamed that they withdraw... .

That is a reason why reinforcement of positive behavior, and encouragement together with validation are so important. There are many things that we can do to help our loved ones. Have you had a chance to check out the lessons in the panel on the right? --------------------->

Here is one that you might like:

TOOLS: Reinforcing good behavior, positive reinforcement

[co.jo]

I have found this site very useful , and I hope you will too. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I would recommend you run and buy, or order from amazon-it only takes a couple of days- Valerie Porr's book -Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, which is for the family. Not only will it help you understand, it will give some great tools. Also, the tools link on the right has some good ideas.

It is so great to have some ideas to use, instead of feeling helpless as chaos surrounds us.

I used to wait for the day when my daughter would realize how horrible she has been and would ask for my forgiveness, and we would all live happily ever after. Now I know I can only change what I do.  Even when I knew my daughter had BPD, I had to wait for her to realize it too, and want to get help. And that day did come at age 24.But if I had had the skills then that I hope I have now, those early years would have been much more tolerable, and maybe we would have got apprpriate help much sooner.

Good luck!

[Svenska85]

Thanks so much BioAdoptMom3!  I really appreciate you sharing what you've been through as well as your advice.  I really liked your example of talking to my DD about the shower by first acknowledging her feelings.  (I'm working my way through the lessons online here, but I haven't gotten to everything yet.)  I'm really glad that you found good medicine to help your DD.  My DD is on Effexor and has Xanax for panic attacks but I think she could be better medicated for sure.  It's a touchy subject with her but I keep telling her I'm there to help her when and if she wants it.  Thanks again for replying!  It really helped! 

[Svenska85]

Thanks so much for your reply pessim-optimist!

My DD is diagnosed and accepts the diagnosis some days and doesn't accept it other days.  Your reply was so helpful and informative and it really gave me a lot of insight.  I really appreciate the subject specific references to videos and tools. (I'm working my way through the lessons but haven't gotten very far.) 

Thanks again!

[pessim-optimist]

You're welcome!

Take it a step at a time. There is a lot to absorb. It takes a while... .