I want to stay, she wants to go, so I guess we're undecided?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Looking at the different boards I'm not sure where I belong.

Long familiar story hopefully shortened,:

I'll skip all the honeymoon phase, devaluation episodes, projections, rages etc. I've been through most of it.

We have been together 5 years. My 35yr girlfriend is diagnosed BPD but in denial.

I am an undiagnosed codependent enabler with a savior complex who was raised in an abusive household by a father I now believe had BPD.

I am divorced, she is very jealous of my ex wife. My kids are out of the house, so there is rarely any communication with my ex necessary.

She was sexually abused as a child for a period of years (confirmed) and and raised in an abusively religious household. Her parents split, she felt abandoned as she was passed back and forth. She has to sleep with a light on.

We have lived together 3 times (currently cycling down from #3) and broken up more times than I want to keep track of.

We spent two summers apart, both of which I went NC, but then she reconnected and we recycled. .

we got engaged a few years ago, but engulfment set in after a few months.

We tried it again a couple of years ago. same result.

She tells me she wants to be married and maybe have more children. A lot of the time I don't believe she is talking about with me. She has an unrealistic expectation of what a relationship should be. I think she becomes disappointed when the honeymoon phase fades and longs for that type of relationship that's happily never ending.

She has one teenage son who has most of the symptoms of BPD. The two of them get quite volatile together at times.

This past year has been one of our best. No major dysregulations, no breakups. I have worked on validation but it is tricky. She has some education in the psychological field and laughs and ridicules if I validate too blatantly.

We have intimacy issues and sexual issues. She can't hold hands or kiss passionatley. I have however with some patience, got her back to giving me short goodbye kisses. She can not tell me she loves me.

We have sex 2-3 times a month I always have to instigate. I'm a sexual guy, this one is hard to deal with.

She goes through phases of sleeping on the couch, she is there now. When we are in bed she asks that I turn my back to her. She is unable to let me put my arm around her and will wake up out of a dead sleep to throw it off if I do.

I pay all the bills and do all the cooking and most household duties (yes I enable)

She Has been in college this past year, 50 miles away and has received help from the state with housing so is moving there (which is where she lived for the past year until moving in with me 3 months ago) She was unable to pay her tuition to start back this semester and feared she was going to be turned away since she didn't make her first payment.

I had been saving some money to take her somewhere romantic to ask her to put her rings back on. I decided school was more important and drove down and told her what I had been doing and gave her money to get into school. Since my plans were now nixed I asked her if she would put her rings back on. She took the rings and told me she would think about it and we would talk. I am now painted black, she is back to sending multiple angry texts (I have a boundary in place to not respond to negative texts or discuss important matters via text) but the come in spurts. She has now broken up with me and when she moves out in two weeks we are to sever contact.

Several things are going on here. She is engulfed by my move to be in a more intimate relationship i.e. Engaged. She is stressing over moving, school, paying for school ( she gave me back my check), starting yet another new job and being unhappy with how she looks and starting a new diet. Getting a new car (she sold hers and is borrowing one of mine) And all this is happening simultaneously and it is too much for her.

Hence the lashing out at me.

And I think she may be talking to a possible replacement. I'm not sure on that one but my gut says something is happening.

And that is where we currently stand. 

[Seeks]

Looking at the different boards I'm not sure where I belong.

Long familiar story hopefully shortened,:

I'll skip all the honeymoon phase, devaluation episodes, projections, rages etc. I've been through most of it.

We have been together 5 years. My 35yr girlfriend is diagnosed BPD but in denial.

I am an undiagnosed codependent enabler with a savior complex who was raised in an abusive household by a father I now believe had BPD.

I am divorced, she is very jealous of my ex wife. My kids are out of the house, so there is rarely any communication with my ex necessary.

She was sexually abused as a child for a period of years (confirmed) and and raised in an abusively religious household. Her parents split, she felt abandoned as she was passed back and forth. She has to sleep with a light on.

We have lived together 3 times (currently cycling down from #3) and broken up more times than I want to keep track of.

We spent two summers apart, both of which I went NC, but then she reconnected and we recycled. .

we got engaged a few years ago, but engulfment set in after a few months.

We tried it again a couple of years ago. same result.

She tells me she wants to be married and maybe have more children. A lot of the time I don't believe she is talking about with me. She has an unrealistic expectation of what a relationship should be. I think she becomes disappointed when the honeymoon phase fades and longs for that type of relationship that's happily never ending.

She has one teenage son who has most of the symptoms of BPD. The two of them get quite volatile together at times.

This past year has been one of our best. No major dysregulations, no breakups. I have worked on validation but it is tricky. She has some education in the psychological field and laughs and ridicules if I validate too blatantly.

We have intimacy issues and sexual issues. She can't hold hands or kiss passionatley. I have however with some patience, got her back to giving me short goodbye kisses. She can not tell me she loves me.

We have sex 2-3 times a month I always have to instigate. I'm a sexual guy, this one is hard to deal with.

She goes through phases of sleeping on the couch, she is there now. When we are in bed she asks that I turn my back to her. She is unable to let me put my arm around her and will wake up out of a dead sleep to throw it off if I do.

I pay all the bills and do all the cooking and most household duties (yes I enable)

She Has been in college this past year, 50 miles away and has received help from the state with housing so is moving there (which is where she lived for the past year until moving in with me 3 months ago) She was unable to pay her tuition to start back this semester and feared she was going to be turned away since she didn't make her first payment.

I had been saving some money to take her somewhere romantic to ask her to put her rings back on. I decided school was more important and drove down and told her what I had been doing and gave her money to get into school. Since my plans were now nixed I asked her if she would put her rings back on. She took the rings and told me she would think about it and we would talk. I am now painted black, she is back to sending multiple angry texts (I have a boundary in place to not respond to negative texts or discuss important matters via text) but the come in spurts. She has now broken up with me and when she moves out in two weeks we are to sever contact.

Several things are going on here. She is engulfed by my move to be in a more intimate relationship i.e. Engaged. She is stressing over moving, school, paying for school ( she gave me back my check), starting yet another new job and being unhappy with how she looks and starting a new diet. Getting a new car (she sold hers and is borrowing one of mine) And all this is happening simultaneously and it is too much for her.

Hence the lashing out at me.

And I think she may be talking to a possible replacement. I'm not sure on that one but my gut says something is happening.

And that is where we currently stand. 

[patientandclear]

Sounds like part of this is that she feels a strong need to individuate and doesn't want to feel owned. Giving you back the check and reacting badly to the "put the rings back on" talk are consistent with that, as are needing you to turn your back in bed etc.

My ex behaved very similarly.  Desperately needs/needed not to be pinned down or caught. Down to the behavior in bed.

I can really sympathize with them actually. But obviously, someone fighting clear of a bond or any obligations poses real challenges in a r/ship :/

You might look for ways to show love that do not involve her being dependent on you or feeling caught. It's tough I know. My ex's complete resistance to any feeling of commitment or obligation is why we are not in touch at this time. At some point, there is commitment and obligation in a r/ship, and so this impulse not to be caught is at fundamental cross purposes with what most of us need.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Seeks, What makes you think her behavior is going to change?  Agree that when a codependent gets in a r/s with a pwBPD, it's a perfect storm, so-to-speak.  I was in one myself.  It's hard to make a change, I know, but how do you see things playing out?  What is the right path for you?

LuckyJim

[Seeks]

That makes sense and i think in my case hits it right on the nailhead with not wanting to feel owned.

For instance, I'm not a big Facebook guy vs her near addiction to social media. We have been together years yet she refuses to change her status from single to in a relationship. There have been several times that she deletes my post because I said something that implied that we were together or it was too personally knowledgable.  She would then tell me I am like a dog trying to piss on its territory. Similar statements if I make an effort to meet her friends.

As for the individualization;

Throughout our relationship she has always portrayed herself to be a single mom with a special needs child that does everything herself.

She would tell me this and how I don't help with her son even though I do more things with him than she does, and I take care of his meals, help with homework. Yes I realize projection. But I also see that labeling herself this way gives her a sense of self and of accomplishment. This is who she is, but he will be moving out in a few years and she is beginning to feel that. Now she is talking of wanting to have more children... .Just not with me.

I do many things for her that I just do without saying to show I care. Sometimes she opens up and tells me how much she appreciates everything that I do. It's those times that give you hope that somewhere under that shell the girl you fell in love with is there.

But things have changed and how we act and react to each other is different. But I can say I have accepted who she is and love her because of it, not in spite of it

[Seeks]

L.J.

I think everyone changes as they get older. I have seen a change in her behavior from just a few years ago. She is more mature has not had extreme verbal rages. I have noticed that she has settled down some.

Don't take that as I'm dilutional. She has BPD and she is not receiving professional treatment. It isn't going away. She has been pretty good with disregulation for that past year, but she is in a pretty good one now.

I know I can't change her, and the only person I have control over is myself. But I have found it easier to focus on her problems than to face my own. I know what I am doing, but continue to do it.

The right path (easy one) for me is being in a relationship. I function better with things to do, problems to solve, people to help. It's how I was raised and how I have lived my whole life.

And I like being in love and the bond that goes with it.

However, as you well know, this lifestyle choice requires at least two people. And when one of them is BPD you have to throw your preconceptions of what a relationship should be out the window.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Seeks, OK, it seems like you are on the right path for you.  Hang in there, LJ