Advice from my Friend

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

To bring everyone up to speed, I'm a few months removed from breaking up with my BPDexgf, and it's been a difficult process.

We've maintained some contact because she owes me money, and the last time she we met in person I reacted emotionally to her going out of her way to show some pictures of her and her new boyfriend to me. It felt unnecessary and painful--in the very least ignorant of my feelings.

We had a conversation about it after it happened where I asked her if it would be okay for us not showcase each other's relationships the next time we met and she said of course. I was talking to my best friend after all of this happened... .She's married, has a great relationship, and she is by far the person I trust the most when it comes to communication and relationships, told her about everything that was going on. She agreed that it was at least insensitive or lacking consideration, at worst she was perhaps trying to prod me emotionally.

My best friend - a very insightful person - talked some sense into me and made me confront some hard truths. Namely, part of this is my fault. My friend sent me an email where I think she summed the situation up very accurately:

If anything is ruling you, it's your own feelings and insecurities and the fear of completely letting her go, which you still haven't done and are choosing not to do by continuing to see her in person to collect the money. Right now you have things set up in such a way that you're guaranteed to see her at least for the next 3 months (unless she decides she can't do $100/month and then it drags on even longer). And ultimately this is what you want. As long as you have some contact with her, it feels like she's still with you, and the withdrawal of the relationship is momentarily relieved.

It's a difficult truth to acknowledge, but I can't really deny it and I know my friend is probably seeing it much more clearly than I am. I choose to put myself in this situation more often than I should and I know the consequences are usually painful. Not to beat myself up. I get it. As hurtful as the relationship was on a lot of levels, I'm not yet over it and I'm delaying what probably should have happened  long time ago: a full-blown separation and NC.

I was very confused after the incident with my ex, and my friend recommended I send her this email to just cut the cord as best as can be done:

Hey, I finally got a free moment at work and just wanted to touch base with you about yesterday... .It was no secret that I was affected by those pictures you showed me, and though seeing that stuff made me uncomfortable, I'm very clear about where we stand and know that we will never get back together. I was under no illusions that you were leading me on and I understand that you didn't show me those pictures as a way to make me jealous or anything. But since things like that sometimes do come up post-breakups, I believe it's best that we not hang out or text for a while. And along those lines, it would be really helpful to me if you could drop off the next check at the house as opposed to giving it to me in person. I know that you're a caring and kind person and will understand that this option is the less painful one for me at this point in time. You'll always have a special place in my heart but it's because of that that I need this.

I emailed that to my ex yesterday. Haven't heard anything back from her, but I guess there really isn't anything to respond to. And that's something I have to get used to. NOT being in some form of communication with her and that being not only okay but ultimately more beneficial to my personal growth and health.

[mrwigand]

To bring everyone up to speed, I'm a few months removed from breaking up with my BPDexgf, and it's been a difficult process.

We've maintained some contact because she owes me money, and the last time she we met in person I reacted emotionally to her going out of her way to show some pictures of her and her new boyfriend to me. It felt unnecessary and painful--in the very least ignorant of my feelings.

We had a conversation about it after it happened where I asked her if it would be okay for us not showcase each other's relationships the next time we met and she said of course. I was talking to my best friend after all of this happened... .She's married, has a great relationship, and she is by far the person I trust the most when it comes to communication and relationships, told her about everything that was going on. She agreed that it was at least insensitive or lacking consideration, at worst she was perhaps trying to prod me emotionally.

My best friend - a very insightful person - talked some sense into me and made me confront some hard truths. Namely, part of this is my fault. My friend sent me an email where I think she summed the situation up very accurately:

If anything is ruling you, it's your own feelings and insecurities and the fear of completely letting her go, which you still haven't done and are choosing not to do by continuing to see her in person to collect the money. Right now you have things set up in such a way that you're guaranteed to see her at least for the next 3 months (unless she decides she can't do $100/month and then it drags on even longer). And ultimately this is what you want. As long as you have some contact with her, it feels like she's still with you, and the withdrawal of the relationship is momentarily relieved.

It's a difficult truth to acknowledge, but I can't really deny it and I know my friend is probably seeing it much more clearly than I am. I choose to put myself in this situation more often than I should and I know the consequences are usually painful. Not to beat myself up. I get it. As hurtful as the relationship was on a lot of levels, I'm not yet over it and I'm delaying what probably should have happened  long time ago: a full-blown separation and NC.

I was very confused after the incident with my ex, and my friend recommended I send her this email to just cut the cord as best as can be done:

Hey, I finally got a free moment at work and just wanted to touch base with you about yesterday... .It was no secret that I was affected by those pictures you showed me, and though seeing that stuff made me uncomfortable, I'm very clear about where we stand and know that we will never get back together. I was under no illusions that you were leading me on and I understand that you didn't show me those pictures as a way to make me jealous or anything. But since things like that sometimes do come up post-breakups, I believe it's best that we not hang out or text for a while. And along those lines, it would be really helpful to me if you could drop off the next check at the house as opposed to giving it to me in person. I know that you're a caring and kind person and will understand that this option is the less painful one for me at this point in time. You'll always have a special place in my heart but it's because of that that I need this.

I emailed that to my ex yesterday. Haven't heard anything back from her, but I guess there really isn't anything to respond to. And that's something I have to get used to. NOT being in some form of communication with her and that being not only okay but ultimately more beneficial to my personal growth and health.

[Mutt]

Hi mrwigand,

I think you have a wise friend; seeing her to collect the money can be seen as an attachment and an opportune way to talk to her. I think it takes courage to admit that, I can understand how hard it is to let someone go. I'm glad you figured out a way to collect your money. I can understand what your girlfriend did with the pictures and her lack of empathy can really hurt and this way you've got space to heal.