The Chimera

[Sadly]

Having a very bad day today, unbearably sad. I haven't broken, am not breaking NC, just in a very bad place, I knew it would come so it's ok. I wrote a poem, I write a lot. It's sad and I'm sorry but it helps me, I think. Today I am struggling with understanding the how's and whys. Here it is.

My Chimera

I fell in love so hard so fast so deeply, without question or doubt
With the man who doesn't exist.
All became brighter the sun became warmer my joy became tangible, all down to you
The man who doesn't exist
I lay to sleep willing away the night hours to make the day come more quickly, to be alive again
With the man who doesn't exist.
My life was governed, the rising of the moon, the setting of the sun, the ebbing of the oceans, by,
The man who doesn't exist.
The breath we shared just before we kissed, the looks we exchanged, closing out the world,
All freely given and taken, by,
The man who doesn't exist.
So tell me please and ease my pain, how could this be my reality
With a man who doesn't exist.

Love from Sadly x

[Jeff26]

I like it.

I am a writer of sorts, and that was good.



Since last Friday I myself have been in a real noticeable funk over my ex.

This coming Tuesday would mark the 2 year date of her and I being together had she not vanished from my life.


There is also a chili-cook off at a mutual friends house next weekend, my ex immediately confirmed that she was "going" on the events Facebook page.

It is unlike her to respond so quickly to event requests, But she seems to have made it a habit to confirm that she will be there if she knows that I was also invited to the event.

I will not be attending the event, I know that I can't bear to witness her and her new man once again. And along the same lines, I don't think I can be me around her son if she were to bring him along, that would destroy me.


I often try and tell myself that the girl that I love and miss on a daily basis no longer exists. But she seems to exist with this new guy.

I think one of the things that hurts most is knowing that she is investing herself into a loving relationship with someone else, making memories, planning to go to events together.

I still feel like she belongs to me, and maybe somewhere in her heart she does know that. But man, pursuing love with another man only months after she vanished from me... .tempts me to put a hole in the wall sometimes. (I have never punch a hole in the wall, but boy have I had the feeling to)

[xDash]

I'm having a  horrible day as well

Your poem is spot on, though

   

[toomanyeggshells]

Love the poem.  I can very much relate to its words.   

[Sadly]

Thanks xdash, it sucks doesn't it.
   
Thanks toomanyeggshells
   

Cheers jeff26
What kind of a sort of writer? Thanks for saying you like it and well done for staying away from the events, very strong. Am being self indulgently bloody miserable today. Just written another one, I like the last line best 

Night is not my friend

The world is sleeping dark and sweet
The silvered moonbeams touch my sheet
My hand can feel my soft heart beat
I think of you.

I sink into this deep dark hole
The pain I feel inside my soul
The desperate wish that you were whole
I think of you

The silent scream inside my head
Replaying all the things you said
The fervent wish that you were dead
I think of you

The evening hours are not my friend
When will this hopeless yearning end
My bleeding heart begin to mend
WHEN I STOP F*CKING THINKING OF YOU.

Love from Sadly xx

[UnforgivenII]

What a wonderful poem, Sadly.

[Sadly]

Aw thanks Unforgiven, which one the first or the second one? I am in a very odd place today I must admit. Hope tomorrow brings brightness.   x

[UnforgivenII]

Both. I love the first one.
We are in a journey full of sadness. Some days I was crippled by it. Sadness can change shape and intensity. I learned that.
And all the journeys... .end. One day they end.

Sometimes I think I do not let go of sadness because it would mean it is really over.
But that day is coming. Slowly. But it is coming.
Because, as you say... .that man... .does not exist.

[Sadly]

Thanks Unforgiven, what a weird world we live in isn't it? If someone had told me two years ago I would be in this place I would have laughed at them. I know the truth in what people say about us learning about ourselves and becoming stronger better people but given the choice I would have much preferred not to. I was ok the way I was.   to you. x

[xDash]

Did yours end on your own accord or did your ex end it, Sadly ?x

[Sadly]

I ended it xdash, not for the first time either but it has to be the last. I got submerged and swamped and nearly lost me forever. So very sad. I hate I have abandoned him but that's what happens I guess, he needed to push until his poor twisted perception came true. All so bloody heartbreaking. How are you doing today, any better? X

[xDash]

Not so much! Had a very down day with lots of crying. Will be 3 weeks tomorrow and I find it very hard to accept.

It's like you wrote, " that man doesn't exist " and it feels I've put my heart and soul into something that was nothing more but a fabrication of my mind.

What hurts more is that I'm left hurting knowing he probably doesn't feel any remorse x

[Sadly]

So sorry xdash, am crying too today. It is a terrible mental illness that destroys themselves and those who love them. I draw some comfort from knowing that although all BPD sufferers share some traits they are all different people just like we nons are. I know that for the short time we had it before it all went horribly wrong he did truly love me. I know that he suffers guilt and remorse because I have seen it. It's when love and guilt and remorse threatened his existence he had to save and protect himself by violating me. My poem about The Man Who Didn't Exist is partly him, and partly me, The Man I Wanted To Exist. Does that make sense, I hope so.   xx

[xDash]

I lived to love, and I suppose that's what makes me love sick and so in doubt as to believe whether that same guy who treated me so well could leave me in such an awfully way.

It's unfair, I never thought to be ghosted as they say. Certainly not by him. I just wonder whether he'll ever attempt to explain or even stop denying his problem. My love for him is very deep and despite what he's done I still care an awful lot, although I realize I should care about myself now more than anything x

[Sadly]

Yes, I love mine like that too and can probably be little help to you really. I'm not strong enough yet. Sadly I feel that what they do to us erodes our self confidence to such a degree we don't feel worth anything but it's not true, it really isn't. We have to look inside ourselves and find a bit of our own selves that is left so that we can build on it. We allowed this to happen willingly or otherwise. So I continue sometimes by the second, hour or if I am lucky day. I write my poetry and survive. Coming here makes you feel not so alone and when the grief swamps me here I am.     xx

[xDash]

It's odd they can have that effect.
No one seems to understand though. Being in love with someone with BPD is stressful at the lows but utterly intense at the highs. They can show their love so intense then belittle you the next.
Everyone says you're better off, but until you've been there you have no idea what it feels like x

[FannyB]

I like the second one best my lovely - shows you've got some fire in your belly, and that will get you through this dark time. 

[Sadly]

How lovely to hear from you again FannyB. Yep, I think I'm going to make it this time.  . How are you doing.   x

[FannyB]

I'm fine thank you. My previously impenetrable inner wall has been carefully reconstructed to repel any future borderline invaders! 

Got a new car recently which has helped immeasurably - a sort of alternative, more reliable love interest - so to speak!

It's good to have positive distractions to pass the time while you're healing. Maybe a book of BPD poetry could be a bestseller for you? 

Fanny

[Sadly]

That's it " Repel all Border(lines)" me hearty. So good to hear you are doing well, new car a good distraction. Dunno about a book, my poems seem to be gloomy or angry, well yes, I guess that could describe elements of BPD.  . Am planning on going to Malta soon to visit my brother and then I guess I should sort a job out. I  started writing a children's book ages ago but I'm no judge of if its any good or not and for some reason decided it wasn't so abandoned it. Maybe I should have another look at it. I really am happy to hear from you again, you were such a help to me in the past.   x

[FannyB]

It doesn't matter if the book is good or not Sadly - writing it would be good for you right now. A positive outlet to pour yourself into that isn't him! Have a think about it. Failing that, a job some distance from your present location would also aid your recovery. Borderlines are so demanding they consume us like quicksand and it's hard to pull yourself out of the mire without something tangible to gravitate towards.

Fanny