Did I miss an opportunity?

[coworkerfriend]

Since last week's dysregulation, my pwBPD has been in a really good place.  His sense of purpose and humor are back and he has been in a good mood since Saturday.  Work is getting busy and we have been trying to focus on business.  We have an opportunity to expand and I am in such a strange place with it.  It is a fantastic opportunity but it will add stress and pressure to our lives (short-term during the transition) He really wants to move forward on the project.

Over the weekend, we were talking and he kept mentioning his "bad mood week".  I would listen to him talk about it but I did not comment or really say much about it.  He brought up how he appreciates that I don't hold the bad times over his head or keep track of them.  The hard part is that I do keep track of them in my head.  He pressed me a little bit about wanting me to explain how I let it go.  He said he knows how horrible he is when he is dysregulated and he said the weird part is that he truly believes what he is saying at the time.  He explained that it felt like he "sobered" up afterwards and would replay the things he said in his head.  He couldn't believe how awful they were but sometimes he just needs to get them out.

It felt like he wanted me to talk about how I felt his bad mood week.  I just couldn't bring myself to tell him how it makes me feel.  I am working so hard to detach myself from his words that I couldn't talk about it.  Now I wonder if it would have been helpful for him to hear from me. Usually after a bad week, I am so drained and overwhelmed.  I really did not feel like rehashing or talking about how I was feeling.

Looking back on how I handled last week, I am trying to be positive about a few ways that I validated him  or walked away from him. I tried to keep myself busy and let go of his emotions. I am accepting that this is who he is. 

Since I overthink everything, I keep wondering if I should have opened up.

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[laelle]

It sounds to me as if he was trying to get some validation from you that when he has his "bad moods" that you wont hold it against him.

From what you are saying he was very open and honest and wanted to talk about it.  He was trying to make you understand what was going on inside his brain and that it wasnt your fault and that his thinking wasnt clear.  He is clearly sorry and ashamed. (which is a very good thing)

All I want after I have hurt someone that I love during my "bad moods" is for them to understand me and to tell me "no harm done"  It can come with your feelings... .  like, It made me angry or sad when you did _____, but as long as the general message says that you understand he was struggling and that it must have been difficult for him, and that you still care very much the drama from bad mood weeks will lesson tremendously.

Keeping score wont help, it will make you feel even more bitter.  Radical acceptance is a much better approach.

Best wishes.  

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks so much laelle - I really appreciate your insight.  I question myself and how I handle everything.  Having your input really helps me put my thoughts into perspective. 

I have not been keeping score in my head. The problem I have is that I just seem to hold on to my hurt feelings after a bad period.  I need to let them go.

He is a bit worried that he will be going throught a bad period soon.  He is feeling tons of stress.  I did explain to him earlier today that I am not going anywhere.  He can vent, talk and work through things with me if he wants to.  He  seemed to appreciate that.  He seems to really want to help me understand his head. 

Radical acceptance is what I am working on.  Enjoying who he is - even though it wasn't what who I thought it was - appreciating the good days - I need to focus on these things.

[waverider]

It felt like he wanted me to talk about how I felt his bad mood week.  I just couldn't bring myself to tell him how it makes me feel. 

You did right. It is not about you it is about him. To put it another way "Thats enough about me, now what do you think about ME".

It is also a form of projection, by making his bad thoughts about him come out of your mouth rather than his. If you voice them you have taken away the self soothing and can also allow a trigger for defensiveness.

[laelle]

It felt like he wanted me to talk about how I felt his bad mood week.  I just couldn't bring myself to tell him how it makes me feel.  

You did right. It is not about you it is about him. To put it another way "Thats enough about me, now what do you think about ME".

It is also a form of projection, by making his bad thoughts about him come out of your mouth rather than his. If you voice them you have taken away the self soothing and can also allow a trigger for defensiveness.

LOL, that is soo true.

I never quite thought about it the way you put it.  Its him asking her to soothe him instead of doing his own work.  I will have to work on this myself for me.  I have to say tho, at least he admits to a mistake.  Its something I rarely get.

[waverider]

Its good he admits it, and as long as you dont get dragged into it he will have own that he admits it. If you start getting involved it could easily go from him admitting it, to denying it as he believes you are accusing him.

Best you have no involvement in the revelation.

[Wishbone]

It sounds like you did the right thing. He took responsibility and discussed it with you but it's a very sensitive subject so anything that you said could have been taken in a negative way and then might be a trigger for him.

You sound very supportive and it isn't easy to stay quiet when it is hurtful for you. Sometimes just listening is one of the best things that you can do. Maybe in the long term a time will come when you feel more able in the relationship to express your feelings too. You were being strong for him and that is a very true kindness, if I were you I would be very proud of the way the way that you handled it.