Any suggestions for Modifying Parenting Plan

[miller48]

I live in Florida.  

My BPD ex and I divorced in 2011.  We had two children, now 10 and 6, a boy and a girl.

She made false allegations to DCF that I showed him nude pictures.  Fortunately, that claim was dismissed.  

Since that time it's been a huge smear campaign that's left my reputation damaged and cost me friendships I never thought I'd lose.   Even more concerning, I've been unable to enjoy reasonable contact with my children, she's lied about times she's absent from them that I could keep them, she harasses my visitation by refusing their basic needs (sneakers) then insisting that I bring them to her house during my time so that she can see them before allowing me to retrieve them.   She even withholds medicine from them unless I agree to bring the chilldren to her front door.  

Now, she's now dating a younger guy (he's 30 and she's 44).    It seems she's trying to replace my paternal role in their life.  I almost feel sorry for the guy.  He's never been married or had any children.   He's a military pilot and she's convinced him I'm the crazy one.  

I'm taking her back to court and alleging Paternal Alienation.   She's countered that I shouldn't have ANY say in decisions regarding the children.   As part of this, I'm meeting with a Therapist who can testify as to how things like this are harmful to the children.

Does anyone have any success stories of modifying a parenting plan or suggestion?

[david]

Figure out what you think is best for the kids and plan accordingly. Figure out holidays. Take a calendar and sit down and work through it for the year. What school will the kids be going to ?

I don't think courts like splitting kids, at least in my area, so that needs to be addressed.

If she is withholding medicine, etc you need to document all of that. Keep a journal with times and dates and a brief description with facts only.

I only communicate through email to keep everything documented. This way my ex can't say what she or I said because it is in writing. I have 5 years of emails from ex. I am currently going to court to modify custody because ex doesn't help kids with their school work and she has majority of time during school. I have copies of every homework for the last two and a half years. I sign and date everyone they do when with me. Ex actually signs and dates the ones they do when with her.

[ForeverDad]

From what I could find, Florida does not use the 'custody' term, both parents have 'time-sharing' with their children. The court will order a time-sharing schedule that is in the best interests of the children taking into consideration factors enumerated in §61.13, Florida Statutes.

Your ex's declaration that "you don't decide anything" is mostly her entitlement, though I wouldn't doubt it could be enabled greatly by the courts and their typical slowness to fix problems.  Remember, she believes you have zero authority, you'll never get her to change her perceptions of you. So everything you do will have to be done to show the courts, agencies and professionals that you are a reasonably normal father and find ways to get them to start exercising their authority.  When it comes to courts vs parent vs parent, court orders trump parent authority every time.  If you can get them to step in and do something practical.

As for sneakers and other clothes, you just can't play her manipulation-by-clothes game.  If she won't send clothes and you have to provide them yourself, then you may have to go to the extreme solution others have been forced to use... .When you get the kids give them the clothes you have for them and just before they return let them change back into the clothes ex sent them in.

However, if she starts objecting to the clothing changes - she may be counting on endlessly snagging good clothes from you - then get the exchanges changed to a local police station.  That way if she sends them shoeless or in rags you can log it in a report with the officer right there.  (Also, with the officers right there that would help document times she doesn't show up or shows up after the exchange window has ended.)

I really like the idea of exchanges at sheriff or police offices.  (I did it for about 4-5 years before things finally calmed down a bit and we chose a location midway between our residences.)  It is so hard to get courts to look at our documentation, so it should be easier with the police right there.  If nothing else, she might reduce her allegations with the police nearby.

I once had a phone consultation with Dr J Michael Bone in Winter Park, FL and he's a recognized expert consultant on alienation.

[david]

Clothes have been an issue with my ex too.

When she first left in 2007 she literally emptied our house. The first time I got to see our two boys (court ordered) I had no clothes but the clothes they would be wearing. Fortunately, a Walmart near me was closing to expand. They had everything on sale to empty the store. I had a shopping cart overflowing with new clothes for both boys. Things were 50 to 70 percent off. Every pair of jeans that were in their size I bought, etc.

A few months later I noticed all the clothes I had for the boys had holes in them, didn't fit, etc. I realized that ex was giving me all the junk she had and replaced it with everything I bought. I then sent kids back with the clothes they came with.

A year later our youngest ran out of underwear ? Apparently ex was sending him to school without underwear and I was sending him with. I talked to son about needing to wear underwear whenever he went out of either house.

She still sends kids with holes, worn out clothes, etc but not as much.

I have purchased all their shoes for the last four years/ winter jackets, etc.

I don't know a way of completely stopping it but have found ways of minimizing.

Also, as they get older they decide what they will wear and the worn out clothes stop being an issue. I no longer have any issues with our S16. I still have occasional issues with our S11 since his mom insists on picking out his clothes for him.

I decided a while back to focus on the things I thought were most important for our two boys and will make boundaries on those things with ex. I view the clothes as an annoyance and figure it will eventually come back to bite her in the ___ with the two boys. They see what is going on and they make their own conclusions about these kinds of things.

They have taken their own initiative on certain things. Example, whatever they value they bring to my place and keep it here. They know it is safe with me. They both decided that on their own over a period of time. 

I do not restrict them from bringing things to either residence and they know that. Ex restricts them and they do still take things to my place for safe keeping. They do talk to me about such things and I listen and validate.

I have SS's (her kids from her first marriage). One has a serious substance abuse issue and doesn't have contact with his brothers or me. The other two are doing very well. I have a great relationship with both of them. One is total NC and the other is LC with her. Kids do grow up and figure things out as long as they have someone there to help them figure out the dysfunction. They can compare the two different ways of doing things and I have found they usually pick the sane one.

[Thunderstruck]

Clothing is ALWAYS an issue with us too. uBPDbm will send SD9 over in old cruddy t-shirts and shorts and flip flops and then we are expected to return her to school every Monday morning with a uniform and tennis shoes. It's expensive buying a new uniform each week! And what does uBPDbm do with all these uniforms? (I suspect she sells them, once SD9 wears them once then they "disappear".

I sent you a PM, but our game plan has been to get a custody evaluator (licensed psychologist specializing in PA) involved in our case. The ways in which the pwBPD alienates can often be so subtle that it's difficult to prove unless a psychologist is involved. (DCF isn't any help in these matters at all and it's just too much to try to show to a judge). Having your T testify is a good step, but I suppose your BPx could counter that the T isn't impartial since they've only heard your side of the story.

Keep being involved involved involved. Go to school meetings and events and activities. Let the public see you as a parental figure and not just dad in the shadows. Get copy of all medical/school/DCF/police records. Consult with their doctors.

As for the parenting plan... .spell everything out to the letter. Close loopholes. BPDx will still find ways to exploit the plan and make you miserable but try to be as thorough as possible to prevent that.

[ForeverDad]

Clothing is ALWAYS an issue with us too. uBPDbm will send SD9 over in old cruddy t-shirts and shorts and flip flops and then we are expected to return her to school every Monday morning with a uniform and tennis shoes.

We are problem solvers, or try to be, if only the ex will let us.  In a situation such as these there are two almost co-existing paths to take.  First is to document it so eventually you hope a professional will fix it.  But good luck with that happening any time soon.   Second is to try to get exchanges to be to/from similar environments.  In the example above, the child is being returned to school, such as Monday mornings.  That's good, it avoids personal confrontations.  So try to have the pickups also from school, such as Fridays after school or whichever day it is.  From school and right back to school might avoid the disappearing clothes in this example.

But it will always be "Whack-a-Mole".  Fix one issue and another method to cause chaos, frustration and expense will be devised.

[david]

I went to our third co parent counseling meeting today (court ordered). Ex said that I am alienating the kids from her by telling them that I always buy their shoes and clothes. I do buy their shoes and clothes but that is because she does not. I don't have to tell the boys I am buying them clothes because they are with me when I buy them. Projection and denial are serious issues that BPD use all the time. I let it go because there were more important issues I needed to address and it seemed obvious that the counselor "got it". The counselor talks mostly to ex and I just sit there and listen. Ex is digging her own hole so I let her. When the counselor looks at me I fill in the missing (critical) information and then he continues working with ex. Ex doesn't see it at all. It still amazes me how she is so out of touch with reality.

[livednlearned]

What is the current custody order you have in place?

It sounds like you don't have a very detailed one. Florida has a statue for parenting coordinators (PCs), I believe. Parenting coordinators in some states have an extension of judicial duties, and some can even modify custody arrangements. Most states, though, seem to be dialing back the powers that PCs have. If you go that route, talk to people here first about how to find a good one.

To get a PC brought on board in my state, you file a motion to have one sworn in before a judge. So there is actually a PC order that is a binding agreement. Often, it's a 2 year contract, but I negotiated mine to be 1 year. You want one who is a psychologist, not a lawyer -- preferably a child psychologist who will be focused on how your ex's behavior impacts the kids. Then, with the PC, you can put together a more detailed parenting plan. It will say things like what happens at exchanges (ie. whether BPDx can get out of her car when she drops the kids off, and vice versa, where exchanges will take place, etc.) You can find very detailed examples of parenting plans that PCs use online in their training packets. They can be pages and pages and pages long. Down to who buys the goodie bags for birthday parties. Anything that could potentially become a conflict can go in them.

But don't expect the PC to actually resolve any conflicts -- they are just there to enforce boundaries, and people with BPD can't deal with boundaries. At least that's what I learned. After 10 months obsessing about whether or not a PC would be the worst thing that could ever happened (I worried N/BPDx could manipulate her), I finally caved. It turned into the best thing that could happen because she set very simple boundaries and N/BPDx started to treat her the same way he treated me. Except she was part of the court system, and the judge came down hard on N/BPDx. Court doesn't like to be the target of BPD behavior, I learned. It turned out to be a really good strategy!

You can always get a custody evaluation, and that works for some people. But I found having a PC was helpful because it was someone who observed N/BPDx over time, and even when the PC was polite and assertive, N/BPDx could not handle it. It got so bad that my PC asked to be removed from the case. And then I filed to get full custody and she provided the expert testimony.

Some PCs can be awful, but that's true of lawyers, judges, custody evaluators, and basically anyone involved in these cases. You have to pick carefully and do your research. I interviewed a bunch and found out mine actually trains PC for our state.

If you do file to modify custody, you usually have to demonstrate a substantive change in circumstances. Like the kids are falling apart academically, or there is evidence of abuse, or one parent loses a job, etc. It's harder to prove alienation in many states than it is to show that your ex is not following the court order. Does that apply to your case? That's why you want a third-party professional, either evaluation the situation, or observing your ex. Sometimes depositions can work too, if you want to shine light on false allegations. But that usually happens at the beginning of a custody case.

Whatever strategy you adopt, document everything you can. Keep a journal. Enter everything you do with the kids, every thing she does, everything the kids do into a calendar. I kept a detailed Google calendar that helped me keep the chronology straight. Every time N/BPDx sent me an email, I linked it to the day he sent in my calendar. And then I printed it out as an agenda and had everything there in order.

Find out if Florida is a two-party consent state. You may be able to record your exchanges and use them as exhibits to show how difficult your ex is.

Are the kids doing ok? That's what the court really cares about.

[miller48]

all good suggestions and thank you.

The children are still getting good grades and not really acting out, but are showing early signs of parental alienation.   My 6 year old daugther reminds me all the time that, "mommy doesn't like you".   All I say in response is that, "well sweetheart, I love you with all my heart which is all that matters".    That seems to work but I'm concerned over time that may worsen.

Currently we have a 9/5 split over 14 days.   I get them every other weekend from Friday till Monday morning and then Tuesdays overnight.   

My issue in part is that during the 11 month pendency of the divorce, my ex was very gracious and duped me into thinking she was going to be flexible with time-sharing, only to turn downright bitter in the year's since.   

[david]

"you may be deceived if you trust too much but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough" Forget who said that but it describes my ex and I. I only trust ex if it is in writing now and a court order. I learned that the hard way.