Adult son stays in his room all day, only comes out for food

[Pleezhelp]

Hi, first post. My wife and I are lost right now. 29 y/o son with BPD. Symptoms started in 2012 at age 21 while at college. Prior to that, he was a very caring, bright young man. Straight A student, lots of friends. Since then has seen many doctors, been to residential treatment programs, group homes,homeless shelters, multiple hospitalizations. Unable to hold down a job. Tried many meds. Nowhere else to go so now at home. Stays in room all day, only comes out for food. When we try to speak to him, he either ignores us or says mean things. Refuses to see his therapist or psychiatrist now. We don’t know what to do. Any ideas?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Pleezhelp. Welcome to the group. I am glad you are here. You have been through a lot. This is a great place to find the information and support you need as you go through the hard journey of having a child with BPD. You are not alone. We can all relate to your story. Others will join in soon but the best advice I can give you is to learn all you can about BPD particularly the communication skills and see if that helps. What are your goals and expectations at this point?

[Swimmy55]

Hi,
 I join Faith in welcoming you here.   We understand, here.   A few of us here have /had a similar story .  It is very frustrating when the adult child refuses treatment .  The BPD adult child isolating and not being compliant with therapy is a very common scenario.  Perhaps in their mind they are suspicious of any help or don't see that they need help, therefore they see isolating is the best coping mechanism . 

The reality here is there is hope as long as there are these realizations in place:
1. The answer is a case by case basis for each family. 
2. The answer will not be quick .  Lots of trial and error and unchanged behavior on the part of the BPD adult child.
3. We cannot change the BPD adult child.
4. We are just as important as the BPD adult child.  This gets forgotten in the daily tornado of living with them.

Right now things in your household are in a dysfunctional stalemate as often happens , but knowledge is power.  I agree with Faith in increasing your knowledge of BPD.  Have a look around this forum.   I would also ask are you in therapy yourself?  I ask because we as parents often need our own support in dealing.  A therapist can assist in helping with what boundaries you feel comfortable with asserting in the home, etc.   This also could include things you may not be able to come to on your own. 
As you are able, please write back to us .

[livednlearned]

What kind of treatment did he receive during his residential stays?

[PeaceMom]

Pleeze,
Reading your post reminded me of my DS isolating at the onset of his mood disorder. I know of several young men who in their early 20s while away at college became ill with mood and/or thought disorders. One in particular retreated to his room with symptoms and would not engage with family. They were able to get some help with a mobile crisis team and a counselor who would actually come to their home.

My son found a medication he can tolerate, is doing fairly well and socializes with family and friends again.

Would you have access to a mobile team that might assess him at home?

I’m sorry you are going thru this, Pleeze.

[Swimmy55]

Excellent idea about the mobile crisis unit.  Do you think your son would be willing to have them talk to him( unfortunately they need his permission since he’s an adult , unless he is homicidal/ suicidal.)

[Swimmy55]

I am thinking about my own experiences with the Mobile crisis unit . 
In 2018, I had to turn a situation around.  Meaning, adult son was adamant about not having the crisis unit come out.  However, he was carrying around a baseball bat and hid my kitchen knives, stating he was not comfortable with me ( ?) He was obviously paranoid.  Anyway, very long story short, I convinced son that if he doesn't trust me, he needs to call the crisis team on me.  He was amenable to that, as I shifted the emphasis from him to me .  Crisis team came out with police ( he had the bat and hid the knives, ) , they talked him down, gave resources.  He chose not to use them, but that was one way I used to get the crisis team out and it did abate a crisis ( for that week). . And the answer is no, when I first called, the crisis team didn't deem it an emergency, they needed him to ok with them coming out. Use whatever you have to to get them out to your house is my motto.