Fixer mentality still here apparently and now i'm scared

[truthbeknown]

I have been recovering from a BPD/narcissistic break-up and i'm part of a relationship group outside of her on FB.  I was feeling okay about my posts etc until yesterday/ last night. 

I commented on a post where a woman had a medical condition that affected her brain and caused her to think that she cheated.  In the post, she just said that she only flirted with the guy and yet her ex left her and is not interested in her anymore.  I thought that she was being too hard on herself since i was actually the one cheated on and i still think about my ex.   I guess i wanted to offer her re-assurances and did so in the fb group.  She started sharing quite a bit and then i offered to PM so that we didn't steal the feed from the original person posting-

What went from a harmless gesture and curiousity on my part turned into me feeling scared that i made a big mistake with this woman.  She did PM and we became fb friends and then i felt the conversation getting deep and my intuition told me not to put too much personal stuff in writing because it could be copied by someone and since i didn't know her i had my guard up a little.   So she gave me her phone number but i refused to use my phone- instead i used a messenger call. 

Once talking she confessed other things like she did sleep with the man who initially she flirted with but she said that she still had the medical condition at the time.  She felt really bad about it and we talked for quite some time about this and other stuff relating to her.  She told me about her ex husband and some serious abuse that she endured with him.  The details i will spare but it was enough to think "okay i don't know if this was a good idea".   

After the conversation ended, i went to my fb group and deleted a post that was very personal about my ex because i was scared that if she is really cluster b etc, she could go read all my posts and even copy some of the information and because she knows my name- who knows what could happen?   Anyway, i feel like I made a horrible mistake and again its my darn helping attitude that gets me in trouble like this.   I'm so tired of having to be guarded in this world but maybe this will be a wake up call that being so nice and open and trying to help people can be dangerous.   Again, i don't know that she will do anything weird but when she told me that her fb name was not REAL that freaked me out. 

[Skip]

i went to my fb group and deleted a post that was very personal about my ex because i was scared that if she is really cluster b etc, she could go read all my posts and even copy some of the information and because she knows my name- who knows what could happen? 

We have looked at the FaceBook platform and generally stayed away because of the lack of anonymity. I can certainly understand your concerns.

That said, you exited the situation. Give it time. It should resolve. 

HOw are you feeling otherwise. How would you characterize your state of recovery?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey tbk, Your awareness of your "fixer mentality" allows you to change it, in my view.  It took me a long time to grasp that fixing is an unhealthy dynamic for both the fixer and the one receiving the fix, because it allows the fixer to deny or ignore his/her own issues, and creates dependency in the one fixed.

LuckyJim

[truthbeknown]

in some ways it was good practical therapy because when she started telling me about her abuse i realized right away where this was going and i decided this is not mine to fix.  I did allow the conversation to go longer then i wanted to but now i'm realizing she is not my problem.  I thought i was just finding a new friend but i know better now.   She helped me in that way.   I want to wait a day or maybe even a week before i delete her from the fb because she is in one of the relationship groups with me and don't want the rejection to cause some sort of retaliation.  But i went into the group and deleted any of my story that i didn't want "out there" attached to my name anymore.  I think I also realized that if someone is being hard on themselves it's not my place to protect them from themselves or comfort them.  It only sets up the rescuer/victim/ perpetrator dynamic which i don't want any part of anymore.

I'm so leary of dating now- so many date sites are loaded with personality disordered people. Its the new Bar scene.   I wish we had a section on here for successful post BPD relationship couples so we can hear how successful couples met.

[enlighten me]

Hi truthbeknown

May I ask what is the worst that can happen?

I ask this as I used to be guarded and worry about interactions but the older I get the less I worry about other peoples opinion of me. Especially people on the internet who I don't know.

[Lucky Jim]

it was good practical therapy because when she started telling me about her abuse i realized right away where this was going and i decided this is not mine to fix. 

Right, once you see the red flag    you realize it's a No-Go.

I wish we had a section on here for successful post BPD relationship couples so we can hear how successful couples met.

I've had two really great post-BPD relationships, so it's definitely do-able!

LJ

[truthbeknown]

Lucky Jim,

when you say two successful r/s since BPD one can you elaborate?  were you not looking for long term and that's why there were several etc?   Just curious because i don't think i can handle another break up.  i've gotten really sensitive to it now and it feels like ptsd when a breakup happens.   

I want to hold out if possible for something that will last but i think i'm getting too old?  not marketable etc?   feeling like i missed my window and that too many women my age just want FWB relationships instead of something solid.  Some will tell you upfront and some won't but in talking with many others it seems like a maze out there and it's hard to find the ones who are healthy and want to commit.

Other question about internet- i don't know just trying to protect my reputation because i am a health professional and want to write some books etc.  don't need someone holding info about me so i have to be more careful.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey tbk, Sure, I can elaborate.  I dated one woman for three years and, after her, dated another woman for two years, so I wouldn't say that they were casual relationships with no long term potential.  Both were really positive experiences for me, and for my SO's, I would venture to say.  They just didn't work out, long term, through no fault of anyone.

I'm uncertain of your age, but would suggest that you're not too old for a meaningful r/s.  No, I doubt that you missed your "window."  Agree, it takes effort to find good people, who are definitely out there.

Rather than worrying about someone's readiness to commit, I suggest focusing more on getting to know someone and letting the relationship unfold naturally.  Trying to force any particular outcome is often counter-productive, in my view.

LJ

[The Cat in d Hat]

I'm so leary of dating now- so many date sites are loaded with personality disordered people. Its the new Bar scene. 

This does seem to be the case. I encountered my pwBPD from an online dating site. There are plenty of flags to look for, I inadvertently remained cautious and never ended up meeting her (several ideal/deval cycles and then devalued right before meeting when I finally agreed)

That said I haven’t given up. I’d say keep looking on those sites just be cautious.

[heartandwhole]

in some ways it was good practical therapy because when she started telling me about her abuse i realized right away where this was going and i decided this is not mine to fix.  I did allow the conversation to go longer then i wanted to but now i'm realizing she is not my problem.  

I think this is good, truthbeknown. Keep practicing. Even baby steps make a difference. You are now aware, and that is a huge step in the right direction.

I encourage you to trust your gut in those situations, regarding sharing and becoming vulnerable with someone. Yes, you may be a bit guarded at the moment (I was, right after my breakup), but it's okay to go slowly and share a little, then pause, share a little more... .etc. We need that pause to feel and process. I'm still working on this, too. You are not alone.

So, next time, what will you do when you see that the conversation is going on longer than is comfortable for you?  

heartandwhole
P.S. I understand feeling nervous about the info. you shared, but I agree with Skip that it will most likely just fade without negative repercussions.

[truthbeknown]

i deleted the public information that i thought was too sensitive to remain "out there".  I had screen shotted the responses so that i can keep them for my personal learning records.

I have another scenario that i need feedback on but maybe i'll post here and see if i get responses:

Yesterday i had a very long conversation with a woman who i had met years ago on a date site and determined we would just be friends because of the distance.   I have been fb friends with her and have not spoken to her in over 5 years.   She posted someothing about Narcissism and being ghosted by someone that she had a 3 year relationship with.  I posted something and she responded and then PM'd me.   Which eventually led to a conversation that went very long and throughout the day yesterday.   She works from home so had the time to talk and my work allows me the freedom to be on the phone if there are no customers.   So this marathon conversation seemed very easy and free flowing and we shared quite a bit about our last relationships.

She's had many male partners since her divorce 18 years ago.  She seems to very sexually active with her longest relationship lasting either 3 or 5 years.   She's ten years older then me.

things that came up for me:

I liked how easy it was to talk and share with her but now this dynamic scares me because of past relationships that started like this.   So i wonder if a healthy or normal relationship is the opposite of easy?  i'm not confident not in wondering about this?

She lives in Calfornia and i'm going to be moving a neighboring state to help my Mother out who is aging.   She told me that she will be in my area in April and maybe we can meet.

So while it's nice to have someone interested in me; it also leaves me wondering "am I being a target again?"  was the long conversation a "grooming call" to see if i was open to her?  I don't know.  I think after being hurt so bad in the last relationship it may be normal to look at everything and be a little paranoid but that is why i'm on here asking for feedback.

I also have never been with a woman who has had so many partners.  that kind of scares me in even thinking about a potential for a relationship with someone like this.  Now i'm not saying that i even want to be in a relationship with her but i am "sizing her up" because I sense that she likes me and I am watching myself.  I notice i like to be liked by a woman.  I thought that was normal but I think my openess and kindness has gotten me in trouble in the past. 

does it sound like i'm being unhealthy if i entertain meeting her when she is in the area?  Am i putting myself into harms way because she told me that she has had so many relationships after her 20 year marriage?   I don't even know if i'd be attracted to her etc but she said all the right things like "women who are younger should be looking at how much money a man can provide in relationship if she is looking to have kids with him but not at our age.  At our age a woman should be self sustaining and be looking at getting involved with a man as an equal partner and not expecting him to pay for everything or carry the load by himself."  That sounded too good to be true but definitely an attitude that i would be hoping for in a partner.   She also said that she has decided that finding a committed partner is her main priority now at her age.  She is no longer willing to settle for short term relationships.  So I told her that i feel the same way too and that is why i would probably hold off on having sex for quite some time until i felt comfortable in the relationship.  Her reply was that she would only be able to hold out for 3 months and then if there was no sex after that she would end it because she wouldn't want to fall in love and then find out the sex was bad or not to her liking.  I said, "if you love someone isn't sex just the icing on the cake but not the whole cake?  what if one partner suddenly got ill or had a medical condition and couldn't have sex?  are you saying that you wouldn't be able to love someone without sex?"   I think her reply was something to the effect that sex was important to her in a relationship and that she doesn't know how she would feel if she couldn't have that experience (keep in mind she is  62).   So while i like sex as much as I think would be considered "normal" i worry that someone who makes these comments is SEX focused and not RELATIONSHIP focused?   what do you folks think?

[once removed]

a lot of the tools that we teach here have helped me a lot in this regard. boundaries. the karpman drama triangle. reality testing and realistic expectations. i dont think your desire to help is a bad thing. in my case, it helped to shift my approach around what helping means for me, and for the person im trying to help.

for example, i do not tend to take the stories of others that involve an interaction between two or more people at face value. why? because i have before, and its bitten me. its not necessarily that im automatically skeptical or distrustful or think someone is lying, its that i understand im being given one perspective, there is so much that colors any given persons perspective, and often it is feelings based. i have heard two completely different stories where one version was closer to the truth. ive heard two completely different stories where both versions are the truth. etc. what do i do now? i actively listen, and i ask questions.

ive learned that trust is built slowly over time, and step by step, and i dont give too much of it too soon.

I notice i like to be liked by a woman. 

does it sound like i'm being unhealthy if i entertain meeting her when she is in the area? 

it doesnt sound like youre being unhealthy if you entertain meeting someone. it does sound like you are going all in; too much too soon, based on a couple of conversations, and your introduction to each other and conversations are built on mutual wounds. sound familiar?

when you say you notice you like to be liked by a woman, pay attention to that. a lot of us rush right in when someone pays us attention.