i think i've let her win and heres what its doing to me..

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My ex reached out to me over the Easter holiday weekend.  I made a post about that.  I did respond and as usual the push/pull dynamics and such were still in place.  I had wondered whether she broke up with her new boyfriend etc? 

I was interested in seeing if she was interested in talking or just teasing me with the breadcrumb message to keep me on the top of her mind and prevent me from moving on (she's more on the NPD spectrum truthfully).   So i asked her not to contact me anymore as it is probably harder for me because i loved her and it was unrequited.  I wish her well and such.

So a little more then two weeks goes by and i can't stop wondering whether she broke up with the boyfriend.  So i had one of my friends go to her fb page to see if she had opened it up to public again. Why?  When i unfriended her she took the page from public to private in retaliation.  But since i told her that I sent my message i thought she might try to retaliate.  And the only way she could do that would be to post pics of her new boyfriend on FB.   So my friend said, "yep, there he is with a public posting on April 10."   What's my point?  first that the more loving i try to be with this woman (even though she left me) the more vindictive she gets).   She likes to emasculate men and she's trying to use the new guy to do that to me.

So back to the winning.  I have a big test coming up and i'm having a hard time because i'm depressed and down and feel like i've associated success or winning with people like her who hurt others.   I don't want to be like her or my ex wife who all they care about is winning.    So i pull the other way and don't care about winning.  But its making me take on their projections of me.  I'm fighting my psyche and feeling depressed at times because i still miss the gal i met before the evil disorder kicked in and stole her away.  I spoke with a coach friend of mine who told me that he wishes that his gf would sleep with someone else and leave him because she is crazy.  I think he doesn't understand the seriousness of what we on this board are dealing with? or else he's got something else going on to say that.   

I must like crazy (not really) because i still miss her.  I was chatting with a female friend that said, "what do you miss about her " and i listed a whole bunch of things.  (thinking about Sleepless in seattle when Tom Hanks says, "how long is your program?"  The problem is she is not a good catch and not a good woman to be in relationship with so i'm down on myself for missing her tonight.  I'm alone by myself for the first time in awhile.  I am on a work break staying with family and the family when out of town and now i'm confronted with this overwhelming feeling of being betrayed and loss.  I thought i was doing well until she reached out to me 2 weeks ago.  And it just re opened wounds and now she is trying/hoping that i will go to her page and see pics of the new guy (I know she is being passive aggressive).   

Anyway,  i'm having an aversion to winning because of people like her and my ex wife (don't want to be like them) and just needed to vent to you guys because i think you of all people will understand.   Thanks for reading/ commenting etc.

[truthbeknown]

My ex reached out to me over the Easter holiday weekend.  I made a post about that.  I did respond and as usual the push/pull dynamics and such were still in place.  I had wondered whether she broke up with her new boyfriend etc? 

I was interested in seeing if she was interested in talking or just teasing me with the breadcrumb message to keep me on the top of her mind and prevent me from moving on (she's more on the NPD spectrum truthfully).   So i asked her not to contact me anymore as it is probably harder for me because i loved her and it was unrequited.  I wish her well and such.

So a little more then two weeks goes by and i can't stop wondering whether she broke up with the boyfriend.  So i had one of my friends go to her fb page to see if she had opened it up to public again. Why?  When i unfriended her she took the page from public to private in retaliation.  But since i told her that I sent my message i thought she might try to retaliate.  And the only way she could do that would be to post pics of her new boyfriend on FB.   So my friend said, "yep, there he is with a public posting on April 10."   What's my point?  first that the more loving i try to be with this woman (even though she left me) the more vindictive she gets).   She likes to emasculate men and she's trying to use the new guy to do that to me.

So back to the winning.  I have a big test coming up and i'm having a hard time because i'm depressed and down and feel like i've associated success or winning with people like her who hurt others.   I don't want to be like her or my ex wife who all they care about is winning.    So i pull the other way and don't care about winning.  But its making me take on their projections of me.  I'm fighting my psyche and feeling depressed at times because i still miss the gal i met before the evil disorder kicked in and stole her away.  I spoke with a coach friend of mine who told me that he wishes that his gf would sleep with someone else and leave him because she is crazy.  I think he doesn't understand the seriousness of what we on this board are dealing with? or else he's got something else going on to say that.   

I must like crazy (not really) because i still miss her.  I was chatting with a female friend that said, "what do you miss about her " and i listed a whole bunch of things.  (thinking about Sleepless in seattle when Tom Hanks says, "how long is your program?"  The problem is she is not a good catch and not a good woman to be in relationship with so i'm down on myself for missing her tonight.  I'm alone by myself for the first time in awhile.  I am on a work break staying with family and the family when out of town and now i'm confronted with this overwhelming feeling of being betrayed and loss.  I thought i was doing well until she reached out to me 2 weeks ago.  And it just re opened wounds and now she is trying/hoping that i will go to her page and see pics of the new guy (I know she is being passive aggressive).   

Anyway,  i'm having an aversion to winning because of people like her and my ex wife (don't want to be like them) and just needed to vent to you guys because i think you of all people will understand.   Thanks for reading/ commenting etc.

[spero]

Hello there truthbeknown,

How are you doing? I'm sorry this must be very painful for you to be on the receiving end of the "emotional abuse".

So a little more then two weeks goes by and i can't stop wondering whether she broke up with the boyfriend.  So i had one of my friends go to her fb page to see if she had opened it up to public again. Why?  When i unfriended her she took the page from public to private in retaliation.  But since i told her that I sent my message i thought she might try to retaliate.  And the only way she could do that would be to post pics of her new boyfriend on FB.   So my friend said, "yep, there he is with a public posting on April 10."   What's my point?  first that the more loving i try to be with this woman (even though she left me) the more vindictive she gets).   She likes to emasculate men and she's trying to use the new guy to do that to me.

It does seem that you have some awareness of what is going on in your present situation and how being with her as unfortunately affected you in a negative manner.

May i know prior to this how long has it been since your last NC? Were you on NC? It just be such a heartache to miss the person who is hurting you the most right now and not to feel valued and have your love and care reciprocated in kind is an awful feeling to have. 

I spoke with a coach friend of mine who told me that he wishes that his gf would sleep with someone else and leave him because she is crazy.  I think he doesn't understand the seriousness of what we on this board are dealing with? or else he's got something else going on to say that. 

 

It is as you say difficult for your friend to comprehend and empathise with your current set of circumstances without knowledge of the said PD.

I must like crazy (not really) because i still miss her.  I was chatting with a female friend that said, "what do you miss about her " and i listed a whole bunch of things.  The problem is she is not a good catch and not a good woman to be in relationship with so i'm down on myself for missing her tonight. 

I think truthbeknown, since your friend has posed that question to you, i'd ask in kind as well. What do you miss about her? Are these things related to how she made you feel? or are those her innate qualities? like being patient, caring, kind toward others, honest, down to earth? But as you've perhaps also mentioned in the next sentence, that your acknowledge at the same time that she is not a person "good in a relationship". So i suppose you're struggling but perhaps deep in your heart you've come to the conclusion which takes a long time to accept.

I'm alone by myself for the first time in awhile.  I am on a work break staying with family and the family when out of town and now i'm confronted with this overwhelming feeling of being betrayed and loss.  I thought i was doing well until she reached out to me 2 weeks ago.  And it just re opened wounds and now she is trying/hoping that i will go to her page and see pics of the new guy (I know she is being passive aggressive).   

I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely, betrayed and hurt by all that she has done. It does seem that you're still processing the events of what is happening. I also notice that the "re-engagement" has also caused you to be hurt further and there is some sense of distress which i am sensing from your post. Nothing that this is the "detaching" board, what would you like to do from here?

We're here to listen and to bounce ideas as a community. I know this is difficult, but i want to say, truthbeknown. Take heart.

Yours,
Spero

[Cromwell]

Hi truthbeknown.

I think you know yourself on a rational level that there is no way of "winning" in what I consider are fundamentally "impossible" type of relationship in the first place. Destined (unbeknownst to us) to fail from the very start.

 When we speak in terms of "losing" or "winning". If her 'happiness' rests upon the idea of upsetting you further by her calculated FB postings, then that is not the sign of a winner in my view. If she was truly happy she would be more interested in sharing the joy of this new person to have to consider to go to those lengths of irritating you or keeping you hooked in with these texts.

It does concern me when you post your belief that she does this intentionally, and enjoys to emasculate men, gets a kick out of it, you have been made hurt and depressed by it, yet you "miss" her which can easily be interpreted in the same vein as "missing this type of behaviour".

All I can say from having felt the same and not understanding quite why, was that after being knocked down so callously it was like been given an antidote by having the "loving" scraps of attention again. It was like a brief soothing of the pain. but it is just a temporary "fix" until getting knocked down again after. It was an easily provided alternative then having to fully take on board the cold harsh fact that this person could cause so much upset and the resulting depression comes from not being able to resolve these feelings or fully take them on board.

Perhaps you are at a simialr juncture that I was, in thinking that if only I get to see her again maybe I can turn "losing" into "winning" in the long run, that I could change something or change her and that what had happened would just be seen as an inadvertent hurdle or minor glitch in the big picture. Perhaps you might be unfairly blaming yourself in thinking "if only I would have done something differently, this might have not happened in the first place".

Just some suggestions from how I felt at that time that I now recognise looking back.

[truthbeknown]

cromwell,

i miss the "old parts" of her when we first met.  I think, looking back, that i literally spent 9 months of last year being placeheld while she was finding someone new.  When she had her heart attack and i was there for her, i thought that it would snap her back into her old self.  It didn't really.   The new her was transactionally based.  So she gave me sex in exchange for me being there for her I summize. 

I think now she thinks in terms of everything in relationship being a score card or transaction. 

Anyway,  she did get off of meds and changed so i guess i can accept it in my mind that way.  But i just watched a video today:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0GQSJrpVhM&app=desktop

I'm just like the example of the man who is/was depressed because the breakup left a void in several areas, not just her.  Mine is very similar to his example only i lost another family, her children that liked me etc. 

Thanks for listening.  I don't think there is anything you can do other then that.  Thanks

[truthbeknown]

Hello there truthbeknown,

How are you doing? I'm sorry this must be very painful for you to be on the receiving end of the "emotional abuse".

It does seem that you have some awareness of what is going on in your present situation and how being with her as unfortunately affected you in a negative manner.

May i know prior to this how long has it been since your last NC? Were you on NC? It just be such a heartache to miss the person who is hurting you the most right now and not to feel valued and have your love and care reciprocated in kind is an awful feeling to have. 

For her to tell me she just wanted to date a bunch of guys and now i find out that she had picked this guy before she was done with me and now she puts him on fb after we were together much longer and she would not put pics of me and her on fb.  and i think she is only doing it in hopes that I'll see it. 

I wonder if it is natural/normal to want to see who your competition is?  in other words, when we get victimized like this is it normal to want to know why he's so much better?  But since she wants me to see him i'm holding out/ trying to ignore my curiousity to look. 
  

 I think truthbeknown, since your friend has posed that question to you, i'd ask in kind as well. What do you miss about her? Are these things related to how she made you feel? or are those her innate qualities? like being patient, caring, kind toward others, honest, down to earth? But as you've perhaps also mentioned in the next sentence, that your acknowledge at the same time that she is not a person "good in a relationship". So i suppose you're struggling but perhaps deep in your heart you've come to the conclusion which takes a long time to accept.

I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely, betrayed and hurt by all that she has done. It does seem that you're still processing the events of what is happening. I also notice that the "re-engagement" has also caused you to be hurt further and there is some sense of distress which i am sensing from your post. Nothing that this is the "detaching" board, what would you like to do from here?

We're here to listen and to bounce ideas as a community. I know this is difficult, but i want to say, truthbeknown. Take heart.


thanks

Yours,
Spero

[Speck]

Hello, truthbeknown:

How have you been doing since the last time you shared?

We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck

[Cromwell]

cromwell,

i miss the "old parts" of her when we first met.  I think, looking back, that i literally spent 9 months of last year being placeheld while she was finding someone new.  When she had her heart attack and i was there for her, i thought that it would snap her back into her old self.  It didn't really.   The new her was transactionally based.  So she gave me sex in exchange for me being there for her I summize.  

I think now she thinks in terms of everything in relationship being a score card or transaction.  

Anyway,  she did get off of meds and changed so i guess i can accept it in my mind that way.  But i just watched a video today:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0GQSJrpVhM&app=desktop

I'm just like the example of the man who is/was depressed because the breakup left a void in several areas, not just her.  Mine is very similar to his example only i lost another family, her children that liked me etc.  

Thanks for listening.  I don't think there is anything you can do other then that.  Thanks

Sorry I missed this thread and your reply. Just to confirm something, my ex did see everything she did or was done for her in terms of a transaction. Its very interesting to hear you depict it that way. I didnt understand this until later on in the R/S.  It actually helps me to make sense of a lot of things and im grateful you brought it up.

I also feel similair that the love (one sided) that I gave to my ex, helped me in many ways indirectly. I came off several drug and alcohol addictions simply by replacing with my addiction to her. Now I have almost completely got over her, and can see things for what they really were. Again a big part of that was to have others listen to my story and im always here to listen to yours, happy to, the insight is valuable for everyone, we all have been through the same and supporting each other is a collaboration of knowledge and strength.

its great you are starting to focus on positive things when weighing up the R/S. its easy to focus only on the hurt and feel used, but there sometimes is a silver lining to every cloud.

[truthbeknown]

Hello, truthbeknown:

How have you been doing since the last time you shared?

We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck

Speck,  thanks for asking.  I have been keeping myself busy but i many times i think that it will be hard to get into a "normal" relationship again.  I do have a female friend (and we are both ENFP's) so it is great because she and i talk the same language (it seems).   Anyway, she is dating someone and i've told her about some of my interactions with a few women on date sites.  It's great to get a female perspective from someone who is out there dating.  I honestly am just going through the motions and trying to "jump start" myself back into believing that i can find a healthy relationship.  I honestly don't think that i have ever really had one.  Looking back i feel like a failure.  I feel like i've wasted so much time on the wrong people.  But it helps to have a platonic opposite sex friend to talk to about these things.  She is telling me that i'm a good man and that too many people in general are superficial these days and she has struggled with this too.   So it's like a roller coaster of emotions but thanks for everyone's support here!