Processing My Feelings After 4 Months of Separation

[ENG89]

My wife is a lifetime believer that's grown up in the church, but her faith was definitely put to the side leading up to and throughout our separation.  I've struggled with that pretty hard but ultimately came to the same conclusion as your friend; my wife was highly abusive then walked away, so I have to let her go. 

For now, it's in God's hands and I trust His guidance. 

What I can tell you is that none of us are meant to be sad, broken, confused, etc. while our spouse reaps havoc all around us...that's definitely not His plan for anyone.  I don't know if that means the covenant doesn't apply or never applied, because we were in love when we married 24 years ago and we did praise God together.  But we haven't done that for many years (both our faults) and we let tragedy in our lives (death of my parents, a BPD child, etc.) move our focus to worldly things.

Just be careful saying our marriages never fell under the covenant; I'm pretty sure that's untrue.  God wants us all to be happy and obedient, but the 'free will' part can easily throw a wrench into that plan.  Every marriage is different so we can't generalize.

I too struggle with the concept of the covenant was not there. I made the commitment and the covenant with my vows. It is a marriage. We were not saved when we got married, that happened 8 years later. There is so much in my wife's behavior, responses and attitudes on life that do not align with God and being saved. I do not know how to wrap my mind around that. I think the only correct biblical approach is to legally separate. That being said, my wife will likely push to just divorce. If she changes the goal to divorce, then it is not me that is pursuing the divorce. I feel that falls in the unequally yoked aspect. That does not make it right, but I feel that I am honoring God, as best I can in the situation.

My patience and tolerance for really bad behavior is waning. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SaltyDawg]

Divorce is allowed by the Bible; however, remarriage is not [unless your partner dies, or is an unbeliever and divorces you].  1 Cor 7:10-16  I think this passage is pretty clear to me.  

So, if your partner divorces you, they are an unbeliever (since a believer should not divorce), so you are free to remarry.

However, if you choose to divorce your partner, you are not allowed to remarry, until your partner dies [not of your doing].

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I also have found the following book extremely helpful in managing the borderline behaviors:

"Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life"
by Margalis Fjelstad

[Pook075]

I too struggle with the concept of the covenant was not there. I made the commitment and the covenant with my vows. It is a marriage. We were not saved when we got married, that happened 8 years later. There is so much in my wife's behavior, responses and attitudes on life that do not align with God and being saved. I do not know how to wrap my mind around that. I think the only correct biblical approach is to legally separate. That being said, my wife will likely push to just divorce. If she changes the goal to divorce, then it is not me that is pursuing the divorce. I feel that falls in the unequally yoked aspect. That does not make it right, but I feel that I am honoring God, as best I can in the situation.

My patience and tolerance for really bad behavior is waning. 

I went through the exact same thing- my wife left and stated that she'd divorce me as soon as she legally could (1 year).  I fought that for months and did everything possible to reconcile, but now I'm at the point where I have to give it to God.  If her heart doesn't change, that is God telling me something.

In your case, why do you want to separate?  Really think about that because you've said multiple times, if you separate, she'll file for divorce.  Don't let your perception of what she might do influence what you'll do.  Trust in God. 

Yesterday was really tough for me and my wife was on my mind almost the entire day.  Then I woke up this morning thinking about how we could talk this out and fix everything if she'd just be an adult.  But that's doing the same thing you're doing, trying to predict what would happen and playing the "what if" game. 

God doesn't do "what ifs", He has a plan for all of us and it doesn't include spousal abuse.  Do everything you can to work thru things while at home but if you need to step away for a bit, it has to be for you and no other reason.  Trust in your faith regardless though and keep praying for guidance.  It will come...or maybe it's already there but you're not ready to receive it.