Can I reason with BPD ?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

 I want so much to contact my ex. Partly to try and reason with her. Partly just to hear her voice. She has moved on and she seems quite happy with her present arrangement. She does not try to contact me anymore. She showed up at a bar a few days ago with the guy that she is with. She really never ever went there until she got together with me. She knows I hang out there with my friends sometimes. I just want to talk to her and ask her nicely to stay away from there. I think this would give me that tiny bit of validation that I would like so much to have. Then it would set off all the crap again. No contact as a shield. I think she might be viewing it as a weapon and is retaliating by creating a presence at "my" bar. This has bothered by to no end since I found out from my friend that she was there.

[Perfidy]

 I want so much to contact my ex. Partly to try and reason with her. Partly just to hear her voice. She has moved on and she seems quite happy with her present arrangement. She does not try to contact me anymore. She showed up at a bar a few days ago with the guy that she is with. She really never ever went there until she got together with me. She knows I hang out there with my friends sometimes. I just want to talk to her and ask her nicely to stay away from there. I think this would give me that tiny bit of validation that I would like so much to have. Then it would set off all the crap again. No contact as a shield. I think she might be viewing it as a weapon and is retaliating by creating a presence at "my" bar. This has bothered by to no end since I found out from my friend that she was there.

[mitchell16]

IMO no you wont be able to reason with her. mine couild never be reasoned with at all. It always a circular argument that went no where.

[Gaslit]

This is not going to go well:

I just want to talk to her and ask her nicely to stay away from there.

You will be surprised how well doing absolutely nothing does. If you "feel" she is trying to pull you into confronting her, she very likely is. Don't let her bait you, and certainly don't take the bait. You will be the bad guy.

How can you "win" in this situation? Only by doing nothing.

Trust me, it will drive her (more) batty and make her wonder and wonder why you are not taking the bait. And it will leave you looking and feeling better.

You will thank yourself later for not doing anything.

[confusedhubby]

Hi perfidy.

Sorry to hear that your BPD ex is causing you such grieve.

Unfortunately there is no reasoning with them. See there thought process is completely different than yours so any attempt at reasoning fron a Non perspective is futile.

I realize it's hard to go no contact but stick with it. If she is going to the bar she frequented with you it's for a reason. See when a BPD leaves an ex partner she still has issues of being abandoned by the ex even AFTER se has left him. I know this sounds illogical but for a BPD her abandonment fears still make her want to know that the ex is still wanting her. It's like a security blanket in case things with the new guy do not work out (and no they never do).

When they start seeing someone new it's like a drug. It allows them to feel wonderful and high. The endorphins rush and they feel wonderful. But uit's all a façade. My ex whom I had been toghether with for 14 years sbecame very permiscuous after we had spilt. She found one guy and in 3 weeks claimed she was in love. He moved in the following week. Then she told everyone how her alcoholism had ended because I was no longer in her life (I was the trigger)... . she was happier than she had ever been... . she wanted to get married to this new guy etc etc etc.

Now I may not be therapist with a PHD but even I can tell it's all BS. Truth is that all of her underlying issues (alcoholism, self harm, deceit/manipulation, emotional immaturity, reckless behavior etc) are still there. Thee are life long ailgments and cannot be cured by some new guy in a couple of weeks. All of her pronouncements are just ;ies meant to delude herself, those around her and particularly you the ex.

hang tough with no contact. She will eventually recycle to you. They always do. It's just a matter of time. If you wish for her to do so quicker then stay detached so she can see you as strong and wanting and not some doormat. If she texts you to test your resolve be strong. Don't crumble.  

[Want2know]

Detaching is a hard process, Perfidy.  The premise of wanting to reason with your ex can hold you back from progressing through detachment.

You've been here as a member for almost a month, posting frequently.  It's good to hear others situations, as it takes you out of the 'silo' of feeling like you are going through this alone.  I get that.  

It can also keep you stuck if you lament over the same things over and over.  It takes stepping back, sometimes, to see the lesson you have to learn from this relationship.  Can you see yet what it is that you have to learn from this experience and what you might want to do differently in the future?

[Perfidy]

Thank you all. The feeling is passing. Starting to return to sanity. I get that wantoknow, kind of feeling stuck. Been on the personal inventory board. Want to move forward. No more suffering.

[Emelie Emelie]

Perfidy:  I'm feeling stuck too.  Trying every "technique" in the book to try to move past this and still having a helluva time.  I understand.

[Perfidy]

Emilie the sick relationship that I was in has brought me to a new awareness of myself that I didn't even know existed. Fear that I had no idea that I have. I'm scared. I'm afraid of myself right now. No self confidence. No self esteem. Struggling with self respect. Before all this I was so very confident in myself. I achieved so much that few ever do. Less than 1% of the human population ever get their pilot license. The day that I took off and landed an aircraft was one of the best days in my life. That experience gave my so much self confidence that felt like there was nothing that I could not do. That's all gone. I am faced with rebuilding from nothing. My place burned down. My girlfriend of many years left me. Several loved ones lost. Sucks sucks sucks. I'm a damn mess.

[Hazelrah]

Emilie the sick relationship that I was in has brought me to a new awareness of myself that I didn't even know existed. Fear that I had no idea that I have. I'm scared. I'm afraid of myself right now. No self confidence. No self esteem. Struggling with self respect. Before all this I was so very confident in myself. I achieved so much that few ever do. Less than 1% of the human population ever get their pilot license. The day that I took off and landed an aircraft was one of the best days in my life. That experience gave my so much self confidence that felt like there was nothing that I could not do. That's all gone. I am faced with rebuilding from nothing. My place burned down. My girlfriend of many years left me. Several loved ones lost. Sucks sucks sucks. I'm a damn mess.

P,

Is there anything currently preventing you from flying again right now? 

[Perfidy]

Not at all. I am unfettered. Just a matter of no flight facilities where I am right now. Ill be leaving in a few days to go back home.

[Learning_curve74]

Emilie the sick relationship that I was in has brought me to a new awareness of myself that I didn't even know existed. Fear that I had no idea that I have. I'm scared. I'm afraid of myself right now. No self confidence. No self esteem. Struggling with self respect. Before all this I was so very confident in myself. I achieved so much that few ever do. Less than 1% of the human population ever get their pilot license. The day that I took off and landed an aircraft was one of the best days in my life. That experience gave my so much self confidence that felt like there was nothing that I could not do. That's all gone. I am faced with rebuilding from nothing. My place burned down. My girlfriend of many years left me. Several loved ones lost. Sucks sucks sucks. I'm a damn mess.

Perfidy, all those things are real. I know they say that we do things to cover up our insecurities and fears, and maybe there is some truth in that, but that still does not take anything away from the true accomplishments that we have achieved in our lives! You were very honest on the personal inventory board, and what you have done with yourself is remarkable. The things you've overcome, the things you've done, and the love you share with your children are very real! You have a lot more good living to do, pal!

Choose what's real, don't choose what is illusion. That is what I tell myself everyday. You can too.  

[Perfidy]

Learning curve I'm too good at what I do. Over the top in everything including blowing smoke up my own butt. The illusion was so powerful. No other relationship will ever seem anything except boring now. Ill probably just find another pwBPD.

[Ironmanrises]

Perfidy,

NC is only thing that will protect you the most. Any contact from her sets up the possibility that you give in to a possible re-engagement. You know what follows from that. And how that ends. And you will be hurting far worse after that. Had I resisted my exUBPDgf re-engagement... . I would not be in my continuous tumble from space. They will hurt you again and again.

I know you are hurting. The damage inflicted is reflected in your words. I am truly sorry. Know we are here reading your posts. We understand.

[Perfidy]

Ironman I am sure that her and I are through. She has found a much more compatible partner. She and he are made for each other. She will be with him for ever. He is much more supportive than me and she has respect honesty and love for him. She has the distant future planned with him. her husband for sure as she put it. She also has a huge dependency on others and she will do what she has to do to survive. I'm  grinning. I have been crapped on for the last time from her. I hope she is happy and healthy for the rest of her life. I hope I never see her again as long as I live and I will avoid her. The feeling I had has passed and not if but when it comes again I won't act on it just like I didn't act on it today. I feel better for myself right now. It feels good.

[Ironmanrises]

Perfidy,

Compatible for as long as the idealize phase lasts. Her behavior will not change because she is not with you. It didnt change when she was with you. He, if he is anything like you, will encounter that behavior in x amount of time. Then he will begin to think, what did she do to the guy she was with before me... . You. Painted white. Painted black. Banished.

She will try and really re-engage you when that plays out... . Which it will.

Stay NC. 

[Perfidy]

Naw... I am old news. I really feel in my heart that we are done ironman. Sometimes a guy just knows. Even if it falls through with the new guy it ain't gonna happen with me. I'm 51 and she's 36. We're done. Game over. I accept it. When I was 36 I wouldn't have been remotely interested in someone my age. The detaching is a real biotch. The feelings don't just disappear. I met a really nice young female 25. Smoking hot. She is actually sane too. Super nice. Respectful. If it goes anywhere even for a little while I'm sure I won't even remember old what's her name.

[snappafcw]

Be kind to each other.