Trying to figure things out

[HardNose.787]

I’m trying to figure out how to live and care for someone who has BPD tendencies.

Our lives are filled with her intense anger, slammed doors, hitting and shoving, and general difficulty in communicating problems. Everyone in our lives has been categorized into good and bad, and her intense Clinton was limits my ability to do anything that isn’t work or being with her.

I’m tired and I feel very alone, so the thought of speaking to others in a similar situation is helpful.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

HardNose.787!

you certainly are not alone in your struggles. members here have lived it, or are living it, and we understand. there is hope. many of us here have gotten ourselves, and our relationships, on a healthier and happier trajectory.

are the two of you married? how long have you been together?

[HardNose.787]

Hi Once Removed!

Yes we’re married, and have been for a bit over a year.  We dated for about a year before that.

She’s always been a bit mercurial, but before we were married I think she held herself in check better. She was always afraid that she’d be abandoned, and I think now the dynamic is different. Whereas before she’d apologize for going into a screaming rage, she doesn’t anymore. She acknowledges them, but the focus is on whatever she feels I did to cause it. She also never used to be physically violent to herself or me, but that’s starting to change.

We’re going to start couples therapy soo, but she is very hostile about it. If anything it’s a chance for her to address my problems. We have limited counseling options where we live, so I’m trying to be hopeful that there’s some sort of light at the end of the tunnel here.

And it’s lonely. She hates most of my family and long time friends and becomes paranoid if I talk to them. Anything that seems like a sleight (real or imagined) places them in a group of people she doesn’t want to see. The level of control she demands boggles the mind. No one would stay in this if they were dropped in all at once. It’s the slow increase over time until you’re trapped.

[once removed]

No one would stay in this if they were dropped in all at once. It’s the slow increase over time until you’re trapped.

stopping the bleeding (not escalating things on our end) is the first step.

couples therapy can be a good resource in terms of doing that. you are probably right about her attitude toward couples therapy. when a couple enters therapy together, it sets up a triangulation situation. typically, both parties, even unconsciously, will work to get the therapist on their side. theyll defend and justify their end of the conflict. theyll vent about their partner with the attitude of trying to fix them. and then everything gets worse.

anticipate this. know that a good therapist will anticipate this, and know how to navigate. anticipate that the therapist may get a good grasp for your partner, and offer a lot of validation. dont be thrown off by it. resist the urge to JADE. start out, at least, by doing a lot of listening. if your partner builds trust and comfort, without being confronted or feeling blamed, shes a lot less likely to blow up or exit the therapy, and youll be on a stronger path.

when do you start?