3.5 months NC. Almost a year apart. I still miss her.

[struggli]

Thank you to all who replied in this thread.  I read all the replies, usually at work when I had a brief moment to sneak a peek.

It means a lot to me to read all of your replies.  Even some of you newer members had some pretty darn wise things to say.

In a way, I guess it's good I haven't had the time to reply. 

I did see my ex just by coincidental circumstances last week and I was still surprised that -- even after a year under the bridge -- I went into some sort of adrenalin/shock/panic/nausea/depression mode that messed me up most of the day.  We didn't talk or even make eye contact.  I was on the sidewalk and she pulled up to the light.  I don't know if she even saw me. 

Re-reading your responses on here the evening after that incident helped me. 

[winston72]

I am a child of alcoholic parents and from an emotionally chaotic home.  I went through some counseling (not really a therapeutic treatment regimen) when I was in my 20's and read extensively on what was then an emerging field of study on adult child of alcoholic parents.  I thought I was reasonably aware of my brokenness and hurts.  I had a long marriage that ended peacefully, two healthy adult children, a stable career... . and then stepped into a whirlwind, without realizing it.  In this season of tornadoes, I now see myself as kind of a storm chaser.  I saw the energy and drive toward it... . just had to gaze at it and feel it.  :)id not have the intuition to drive the other way... . somehow thought I would find life in that whirlwind of destruction.  

That storm tore me apart.  I am hoping and trusting, with the benefit of therapy, to reorganize and mend myself.  I need to understand the woman and the relationship, but mostly because it exposes the parts of me that are broken, hurting, in need of repair or activation.

My relationship really was a dance of two broken souls.  I was aware of it, just not what it all really meant.  As I reflect on it and read your post, I see similar behaviors by both parties.  I was idealizing her, pouring myself into her, projecting my fantasies onto her at some phases on the r/s... . and then she would at other times.  I suppose we took on the attributes of each other... . anyway, it was truly a dance.

Thanks again for your post.  Brilliant.

[charred]

Such a helpful post, Charred!  Wow.  I would like to hear more of your personal story.

My reaction and reflection on your post is to continue to work on myself.  My own inner need and turmoil is the source of the vulnerability and is the only aspect of this mess that I can influence. 

I am a child of alcoholic parents and from an emotionally chaotic home.  I went through some counseling (not really a therapeutic treatment regimen) when I was in my 20's and read extensively on what was then an emerging field of study on adult child of alcoholic parents.  I thought I was reasonably aware of my brokenness and hurts.  I had a long marriage that ended peacefully, two healthy adult children, a stable career... . and then stepped into a whirlwind, without realizing it.  In this season of tornadoes, I now see myself as kind of a storm chaser.  I saw the energy and drive toward it... . just had to gaze at it and feel it.  Did not have the intuition to drive the other way... . somehow thought I would find life in that whirlwind of destruction. 

That storm tore me apart.  I am hoping and trusting, with the benefit of therapy, to reorganize and mend myself.  I need to understand the woman and the relationship, but mostly because it exposes the parts of me that are broken, hurting, in need of repair or activation.

My relationship really was a dance of two broken souls.  I was aware of it, just not what it all really meant.  As I reflect on it and read your post, I see similar behaviors by both parties.  I was idealizing her, pouring myself into her, projecting my fantasies onto her at some phases on the r/s... . and then she would at other times.  I suppose we took on the attributes of each other... . anyway, it was truly a dance.

Thanks again for your post.  Brilliant.

Yeah it was... . I am like that (kidding.)

My story sucks... . I fell for my girl when she was 19 and I was 22 in college... . and was hooked, was sure she was going to be my wife, we would have kids, etc. I did very well in college, started a minor ER center chain while in school, had 3 locations by graduation and thought I had the world by the tail... . then she abruptly dumped me without explanation... . and a few weeks later showed up hanging all over my next door neighbor. I was suicidal/homicidal... . had a gun in my hand and decided I just couldn't do anything with it... . so I resigned and gave away my interest in my clinics, packed my bags, left my family, friends and went as far away as I could and still be in the USA... . 1500 miles. And started over.

Was a good decade before I felt anywhere near "over" her. I dated other people (most thought I was an emotional wreck)... . and eventually met and married a woman that reminded me of my pwBPD. I had moved closer to where I originally lived (still a few hundred miles away) and time passed, in 2009 I lost my job (in IT field)... . and had a hard time finding a job, kept trying all kinds of stuff, read that you should reach out to everyone you know, eventually that led to getting on FB. Once I was on, she contacted me and like an idiot I agreed to talk to her briefly on the phone so she could tell me something important... . her voice brought back 100% of the feelings I had... . it was amazing... . and horrible. 4 months later I was divorced... . and back in to the hellish relationship with her. We both tried, and recycled and fought and it went on like that for 3 1/2 yrs. It was so bad... . you would have to read my old posts... . it took a lot of them to go through it all. Anyway... . she stalked my exwife, caused trouble between my daughter and I and showed up Jodi Arias style early early in the morning on a couple holidays uninvited (when we were broken up)... . to seduce and destroy me... . she caused trouble and was just "popping in"... . some 200+ miles trip away from where she lived.

I finally dumped her and have had about 500 calls/texts/emails... . since then, have changed my phone numbers, emails, looking in to moving.

Forgot to mention she called me over 30 times in one day when we were split... . and it cost me the best job I have had since the medical clinics... . so ... . she has devastated my life a few times and it led me to ask one big question... . why after 25+ years... . would I give a minutes time to her, let alone feel like I had to see her? And after much digging I came up with my theory/conclusion that I wrote out... . and for me it explains the deep hurting, as I have dated a lot of women, even been married... . and nothing compared on the devastation side to her. Worst part for me is I feel like a super-chump. I did have the world by the tail at one point... . and didn't see her for what she was and just walked away from everything else that mattered to me. Spent a few decades getting my life back on track and went for a second train wreck with her... . so I guess I got experience... . which is what you get when you don't get what you wanted.

Now I see her for what she is, disordered and so lacking in integrity I couldn't be with her if my life depended on it... . and in a very real sense it does. She seemed phony when she acted nice, a bit off when she was clingy, and unbelievably real and genuine when hating... . it was a vitriolic unlimited hate that I have never seen in any other human being and hope never to see again. I was fascinated by the Jodi Arias trial, as the parallels with her were so close... . that it scared/scares me. I not only could see my exBPDgf doing the same thing, I think given a chance she would enjoy it.

So... . that is more of my story, now it is a matter of moving on, I am done with her, I have dated others and found that if there is much chemistry... . electricity ... . it means they are trouble, big trouble. I am trying to resign myself to living with genuine intimacy/love and not the adrenaline rush that went with the pwBPD. I think it was life on the edge... . cheating death almost.  I was on anti-anxiety meds and had hives as one point... . not normal for sure.

Hope that helped a bit.

Charred

[struggli]

I thought things were perfect, I felt very secure, happily ever after, and then she started being indifferent and/or pushing me away and starting to behave badly.  So, *I* became needy/neurotic/fearful of abandonment.  I didn't know why she'd suddenly change, so I wanted to put everything back and I tried desperately to do so.  Even when she was driving me to near panic/dismay I couldn't comprehend the changes I was witnessing.  I became more and more needy, always wanting to know where she was, practically stalking my own girlfriend.  At some point I didn't know what was true anymore.  Was she really with her sister?  Was she really at work late?  She sure smells like whiskey, but she swears to me she didn't drink.  

She berated me for my increasing "neediness."  I was confident and content when I met her, but by the end I felt like a doormat, a helpless child.  When we went to therapy, she told the therapist I "always needed to be with (her)."  The less I trusted her, the more "needy" and controlling I became.  I guess I should have just let her go if I didn't trust her anymore.  But I couldn't accept that I was seeing this complete change that seemed largely without cause.  Yes, I made a few mistakes, I upset her a few times and made a couple of poor decisions (and went above and beyond to make amends), but it didn't feel like her punishment from her (mostly silent treatment and coldness) fit the "crimes."

I'm still a bit confused about it now.  I just can't accept it.  How could someone fake it for so long?  Or, if it wasn't faking, how could it change so rapidly?  Yeah, I know, it's a disorder, but I just still can't let it sink in.  I'm still in love with a girl that was great to me from July 2010 to Nov 2010; May 2011 to Dec 2011; January 2012 to Feb 2012.  Those were the months of bliss.  The rest of the time she had either left me, decided she was still in love with her ex, decided that she wanted to be alone, ignored me for days at a time (even if I saw her in public though supposedly we were still together), basically a gray area of rollercoasterness.  It's those months of bliss that I still want back.  I'm glad I wrote it out like that.  I see it a little more clearly just writing out those dates.  It's been three years since I met her (July 2010) and if I add up the months of bliss, that's just a little over a year of great times.

I told my brother I feel like my brain has been scrambled.  Maybe it's still healing.  I really wouldn't have thought it would be a year later and I'd still be thinking about her every day.

I guess I haven't accepted "the hater."

[Clearmind]

Yes, I think the only thing that differed for me was I thought things were perfect, I felt very secure, happily ever after, and then she started being indifferent and/or pushing me away and starting to behave badly.  So, *I* became needy/neurotic/fearful of abandonment. 

You relived your own abandonment fears as your ex pushed you further away.

Its possible you still miss her because you have not processed this part of your history as yet.

I didn't know why she'd suddenly change, so I wanted to put everything back and I tried desperately to do so.  Even when she was driving me to near panic/dismay I couldn't comprehend the changes I was witnessing.  I became more and more needy, always wanting to know where she was, practically stalking my own girlfriend.  At some point I didn't know what was true anymore.  Was she really with her sister?  Was she really at work late?  She sure smells like whiskey, but she swears to me she didn't drink. 

Yep, because the roller coaster was addictive. You craved the highs after having a low. You were both so enmeshed through mirroring you could not see straight.

I was confident and content when I met her, but by the end I felt like a doormat, a helpless child.  When we went to therapy, she told the therapist I "always needed to be with (her)."  The less I trusted her, the more "needy" and controlling I became.  I guess I should have just let her go if I didn't trust her anymore.  But I couldn't accept that I was seeing this complete change that seemed largely without cause.  Yes, I made a few mistakes, I upset her a few times and made a couple of poor decisions (and went above and beyond to make amends), but it didn't feel like her punishment from her (mostly silent treatment and coldness) fit the "crimes."

You needed to be needed and she couldn’t provide you with that. Again this stems from within you – before you met her.

I'm still a bit confused about it now.  I just can't accept it. 

You won’t accept it until you change your perception of her. She is your ultimate fantasy and it was not real.

How could someone fake it for so long?  Or, if it wasn't faking, how could it change so rapidly? 

She wasn’t faking it. This is the pattern of the disorder. Intense love followed by intense shame and pain. You are scapegoat and eventually blamed. BPD is a blame and shame disorder. The end was not your fault.

Maybe you need to start to process the FOG that is keeping you hooked.

I told my brother I feel like my brain has been scrambled.  Maybe it's still healing.  I really wouldn't have thought it would be a year later and I'd still be thinking about her every day.

I guess I haven't accepted "the hater."

You haven’t accepted you! You still possibly blame yourself for the relationship demise. You are hanging onto being placed on that pedestal.

_____

What was your parents relationship like? Relationship with siblings? What was the dynamic at home? What role did you play in the household?

[struggli]

How do I process the FOG?

You're right.  I do blame myself for the demise.  I still try to figure out what I could have done differently.  I still try to figure out how I could have kept that love coming my way.

My parents?  I think they were both happier once all their kids grew up and moved out.  I was scared of my dad til my young adulthood.  And my mom was the nagging mother.  I can see the pros and cons of their parenting styles.  Mostly the cons.  But maybe I'm just negative this year. 

Siblings?  There was a large age gap, I being the youngest, so I was sort of on my own.  They moved out when I was a kid and even when we all lived together, we had some fun times, but they mostly were with their friends and excluded me.

Mom-religious/moral enforcer

Dad-foreman of labor/punisher

Brother 1 = Hardly got to know him.  He was in college when I was in elementary school.  I've gotten to know him pretty well in recent years.  It was kind of weird initially.  We moved in together when I was in my mid-20s and I felt like I was with a stranger who was supposedly in my family.

Brother 2 = Spent the most time with me in my childhood years, defended me from dad, and we sort of mirrored each other -- had the same interests in hobbies.  He got married and moved out when I was about 13 or 14 and that was kind of the end of that relationship.  I just realized -- he was the only one I really had a happy sort of bond with.

Brother 3 = The one that picked on me.  The abusive brother.  Now that we're older I feel like we relate to each other quite a bit more.

Most of my relationships with them now, except Brother 1, are pretty limited.  I just don't really maintain much contact with them.  I don't resent them, I just don't feel a connection I guess. 

My role?  Hmmm... .   The smart one.  The one most likely to be successful.  Also, the most powerless, being the youngest, and probably the most sensitive one.  I was the one that worried about the pets.  I was the one that got sad when someone would kick the cat.  I connected with the dogs/cats more than with my family, I think.


This is kind of a tangent, but it just popped into my head.  The more I have been working in my new job, the smaller the world seems.  Everyone knows everybody and it's starting to seem like there's this six degrees of separation thing with my ex.  I have to bite my tongue at least a few times a day because I hear someone's name mentioned and it pisses me off.  The truth is a bunch of rich guys that "own" this town were always after my ex (probably not just her, but it sure seemed that way) and I felt, to some degree, inadequate when she'd talk about them, or when I'd see one of them put is hand on her bare back where her shirt was low cut, or some guy that owns a famous restaurant would send her a text.  So, I hold a lot of anger toward those pricks, but also felt like I wasn't good enough for her in that regard -- at least toward the end of the relationship. 

She wanted to be rich, but I felt rich when I was with her.  Sappy, but true. 

At first I felt liberated by my job with all the human interaction I was getting, now I just feel like I'm back in the swamp of emotional triggers.  Every time I see one of these ass's restaurants or billboards or hear their names mentioned I think about how they disrespected me (one guy sent her a text that she should let him know when she's ready to break up with me and get with him).  I'm just angry with how f--king entitled to her they seemed to behave and how she never really set a boundary to stop it.  I guess her hitty boundaries didn't help.  Or maybe I am just too uptight.

I guess billionaires wanting her isn't helping with her mental health or making life any less confusing for her, but I guess I shouldn't care anymore.

[Clearmind]

How do I process the FOG?

You're right.  I do blame myself for the demise.  I still try to figure out what I could have done differently.  I still try to figure out how I could have kept that love coming my way.

There is a reason why we enter these relationship struggli – as cliché as it sounds, growth comes from the pain if you are willing to feel the vulnerability.

My parents?  I think they were both happier once all their kids grew up and moved out.  I was scared of my dad til my young adulthood.  And my mom was the nagging mother.  I can see the pros and cons of their parenting styles.  Mostly the cons.  But maybe I'm just negative this year. 

Consider not dismissing your feelings struggli. This is important. We all learn our relationship skills from our parents.

Sounds like you may have walked on eggshells a little as a kiddo – feel free to correct me – I’m just poking around here.

Its possible you aim to please – be the “good boy” so as to not disappoint – yourself or your parents.

Siblings?  There was a large age gap, I being the youngest, so I was sort of on my own.  They moved out when I was a kid and even when we all lived together, we had some fun times, but they mostly were with their friends and excluded me.

Me too struggli. I was alone in my world as a child and longed for acceptance. I longed to be loved, heard and understood.

My father and my brother did not get on. My Bro moved out of the house when I was 12 – pretty formative years. I didn’t feel I had a protector. He abandoned me and I felt like I faced the abuse alone.

Mom-religious/moral enforcer

Dad-foreman of labor/punisher

Brother 1 = Hardly got to know him.  He was in college when I was in elementary school.  I've gotten to know him pretty well in recent years.  It was kind of weird initially.  We moved in together when I was in my mid-20s and I felt like I was with a stranger who was supposedly in my family.

Brother 2 = Spent the most time with me in my childhood years, defended me from dad, and we sort of mirrored each other -- had the same interests in hobbies.  He got married and moved out when I was about 13 or 14 and that was kind of the end of that relationship.  I just realized -- he was the only one I really had a happy sort of bond with.

Brother 3 = The one that picked on me.  The abusive brother.  Now that we're older I feel like we relate to each other quite a bit more.

Do you see a pattern of relating here?

Most of my relationships with them now, except Brother 1, are pretty limited.  I just don't really maintain much contact with them.  I don't resent them, I just don't feel a connection I guess. 

How do you feel about that? Have you made peace with it? Brothers are pretty important to each other struggli

My role?  Hmmm... .   The smart one.  The one most likely to be successful.  Also, the most powerless, being the youngest, and probably the most sensitive one.  I was the one that worried about the pets.  I was the one that got sad when someone would kick the cat.  I connected with the dogs/cats more than with my family, I think.

As kids we play a role – usually its assigned by our parents – do you see how maybe you are still playing this role as an adult and carrying around some faulty beliefs that you must be dependable to be of value, that you must fix to be of value and that you cannot allow yourself the space to have needs and that maybe you were not permitted as a child to have needs --- therefore now you are unsure how to process these emotions about your ex and the failure of the relationship.

This is kind of a tangent, but it just popped into my head.  The more I have been working in my new job, the smaller the world seems.

Yep I hear you. When we narrow our field of vision/focus we become hyper-focussed on the negative. Open up your field of view – walk in nature, walk along the ocean – you may need to reground yourself and open your horizon a bit.

Everyone knows everybody and it's starting to seem like there's this six degrees of separation thing with my ex.  I have to bite my tongue at least a few times a day because I hear someone's name mentioned and it pisses me off.  The truth is a bunch of rich guys that "own" this town were always after my ex (probably not just her, but it sure seemed that way) and I felt, to some degree, inadequate when she'd talk about them, or when I'd see one of them put is hand on her bare back where her shirt was low cut, or some guy that owns a famous restaurant would send her a text.  So, I hold a lot of anger toward those pricks, but also felt like I wasn't good enough for her in that regard -- at least toward the end of the relationship. 

She wanted to be rich, but I felt rich when I was with her.  Sappy, but true. 

When we lack self worth we compare ourselves to others. Work on your worth and what you bring to your life and others. Your inner critic is napalming you. Some childhood conditioning in there.

You are valuable because you are struggli – you don’t have to “do” stuff to be of value. Our lives are not a resume that we read from – its not what we do – its who we are as people.

At first I felt liberated by my job with all the human interaction I was getting, now I just feel like I'm back in the swamp of emotional triggers.  Every time I see one of these ass's restaurants or billboards or hear their names mentioned I think about how they disrespected me (one guy sent her a text that she should let him know when she's ready to break up with me and get with him).  I'm just angry with how f--king entitled to her they seemed to behave and how she never really set a boundary to stop it.  I guess her ty boundaries didn't help.  Or maybe I am just too uptight.

I guess billionaires wanting her isn't helping with her mental health or making life any less confusing for her, but I guess I shouldn't care anymore.

Firstly, BPDs are boundary-less. And the men around her were too. Thankfully you can see how unacceptable this is.

What type of man goes after a woman who is with someone else? A man who has very little Respect for themselves. You are making it out to be your fault or that maybe you don’t earn enough, not rich enough, not good enough….ring any bells?

[seeking balance]

How do I process the FOG?

Cry... . grieve the reality of the situation.

Your BPDex was simply a bandaid for your core wounds.  All children want love and acceptance.  When parents use children for their own emotional needs rather than parent and unconditionally love and support their child, the child will adapt and learn to be accepted for doing things rather than for being enough just because they exist.

Grief takes time... . you are not only grieving the BPD, but your lost childhood and innocence.  Let yourself feel the pain, lean into it so you can move through it.  There is no short cut for this process once we start down the path. I compare it to the movie the Matrix... . once you take the red pill there is no going back.

Your core wound is open, no way to hide it.   Cry, focus on reality and facts as much as this hurts... . it is the way through.

Peace,

SB