walking away from inheritance...

[Goldcrest]

This is a bit of a rant so bear with me

So I have found the support and responses on this forum really helpful. I know if I am struggling I can come here and see I am not alone. I only wish I had had the courage to use a forum sooner.

For the last 3 years I have been back in very regular contact with my mother and father. Before this I had very LC. They were angry but distant (with me) however their was enough drama between them for them to not need to much from me. In my family I was my mothers parent and I guess a narcissistic extension. She wanted to see me feel her feelings so if she was angry she would create a situation that would cause me to become fearful or distressed and that somehow acted as a kind of pressure release for her. She told me things about her relationship to my father that a little girl should never hear or know.

My brother was angry from a young age. He found her invasive and overwhelming and would have outbursts that would only back fire further as the message was...don't upset her or else...She was very sexualised around us and my brother could not handle it. As a child she was a queen. I have no happy memories just atom bombs. My brother as an adult turned his anger towards me and so after a particularly vicious verbal attack I have been no contact with him for 13 years.

I came back in to my mothers life because she has cancer. Many times she is about to die but then a miraculous recover comes about. I have verified she has cancer with a doctor but the treatments are so good now she could live for another few years. I will freely admit that part of my coming back in to the fold was the carrot dangling of inheritance and I hang my head in shame about this but...I am human. My parents live in a stunning part of the UK and I had to move away from there (a place I love) to get some distance in years ago. I have a lot of envy and grief about not being able to continue my life there as I had hoped.

I genuinely do have empathy for my mother and this is what makes me vulnerable. Her unBPD in later life means that you do get periods of her being almost a normal mother and it is very attractive. In recent months though she has become very sick again and the drama and manipulation has got so bad that I can't take it anymore. My relationship with my husband is deteriorating and I know it is because I find it hard not to displace my feelings of anger to her across on to him.

What I struggle with is that no matter what I do or say, I am just an object. I don't have feelings, if I try to rationalise with my mother or father they will simply get upset, "what have you got to be angry/sad/hurt/tired fo you don't have cancer..."

Anyway I am not looking for advice but it really helps to sort of offload on to here and I always welcome reading similar experiences as it makes me feel less like I am living in some sort of parallel universe...And thanks for reading.

[formflier]

 

Ugg..lots of hard things to sort out. 

Please don't hang your head for sorting through some of the implications of what you have decided to do.  It's seems obvious to me it wasn't the "only" reason.

There seems to be several different issues at play here.

1.  Self care for a caretaker (you) so that your life outside this caretaking arrangement is minimally impacted.

2.  How to best relate to Mom during this incredibly difficult time.

3.  How to understand and plan for the will and estate...and your role in that.


Any other big categories we need to sort through?

Best,

FF

[Goldcrest]

FF, thank you for the hugs.

1.  Self care for a caretaker (you) so that your life outside this caretaking arrangement is minimally impacted.

We lost our dog last year and it was very hard and I think this hurt me deeper than I can articulate. She was very precious to me. We now have a pup and he helps a lot. My being an excellent caretaker to him gives me pride and pleasure. I do need to add in more self-care though, this is something I am working on. In times of stress I tend to start withholding stuff from myself so I need to watch that. I've stopped running which I love and I have stopped reading too. I can see I am quite depressed but I will get this sorted.

2.  How to best relate to Mom during this incredibly difficult time.

Because of Covid my work has dried up and...because I find it impossible to lie to my mother, I am home all day so a ready source of conversation and comfort for her. I have managed to reduce contact to every other day but she still wants texts on the day off. Not having work has impacted on my self-esteem plus I am going through the dreaded menopause and she tends to use these things to deflect from her. So rather than take responsibility for hurting me she will say...you are upset because of the menopause or because you are of out of work. She'll also say my anxiety will affect my dog so I need to sort it.

What I struggle with is getting her out of my head. She is like an eel through my body. I don't know if you have this with your parent but it's impossible to get a grip on her and she will shape shift and manipulate so that eventually she has you back loving her again. I do feel desperately sorry for her. My dad keeps reminding me of how awful the chemo is and of course that is horrendous. Every time I try to keep a boundary or assert my feelings she just comes along and kicks the door in. I don't want to sound defeatist, I know that if I don't speak to her or if I make it better (tell her she is wonderful/that I love her) my anxiety will come right down. I am just tired of giving up my feelings to make hers okay.

3.  How to understand and plan for the will and estate...and your role in that.

My dad has me as executor. It will be a PLEASE READ show when either dies because they are utterly enmeshed so I can't imagine how things will pan out. If my father dies before my mother then she has NO financial skills whatsoever and he has asked me to look after all the money via internet accounts and control how much she gets for her shopping addiction. My mother can't drive and is computer illiterate. He has given me a guide to how much she will spend. She is already freaking out about this because she doesn't want me having access to the accounts. I have already decided that I will employ someone to take it over for me. She can burn through it all. I have accepted that it never was mine to have. I think I need to make peace with losing everything.

The last issue is my relationship with my husband. We are already talking about living separately for a bit as I feel so invaded that I find it hard to give anything else to anyone.

Apologies if my responses sound a bit intense. I'm having a particularly bad day so I feel overwhelmed but writing it all out helps.

[formflier]

No apologies needed...it not only sounds intense, but is an intense situation. 

I think we should make a 4th category...your marriage.  Instead of looking at it as you can't do it because there is nothing else to give right now...can you explicitly ask for what you need. 

I've been thinking about your situation and what a blessing it would be to "flip" an area to a source of support...vice an area that is "draining" or "demanding".

All of this is complicated stuff, which is why I think it's best to separate things.


What would you like to focus on first?


I'm curious to know more about the thought of "not being able to lie to your Mom".  How does that play out? 

 

We've got you on this...we've been there and can walk with you to get to a better place.

Best,

FF

[Goldcrest]

Again thank you FF.

I think all my life I have felt invaded by my mother. I find it very hard to create distance from her. To put things in perspective I can get periods of the week where if she is stable, I am stable. As soon as she is struggling or unhappy she pulls me under with her. So I guess I need to find ways to stop this happening. I think it is still early in my acknowledging the current patterns of my response and using boundaries. I don't want to go no contact with her. In my early 20s and early 30s before therapy I had a lot of borderline traits myself and I treated people very badly. I think I feel sorry for her because I understand a bit better what makes her behave so destructively at times. I wonder though If I think I can fix her and I need to accept I can't.

I'm particularly upset today because we had a falling out yesterday. It was her 75th birthday and for the first time ever I didn't visit knowing this would be a huge disappointment. I literally could not face it. Normally I push my feelings aside to try to be the perfect daughter but I couldn't do it. I think this is progress and of course it upset her and the conversation yesterday was around other people's daughters and how amazing/kind/caring they are and that we are not close because I don't throw parties etc. for her. I held my boundary today when she called expecting the hurt to be forgotten. I ignored the calls and requests for a text message. So I am getting there. And asking for support here is progress because It is a bit embarrassing and messy reading my words and realising I have posted a few threads here! I worry about asking for too much.

Thank you again

[Methuen]

Goldcrest

My relationship with my husband is deteriorating and I know it is because I find it hard not to displace my feelings of anger to her across on to him.

Every marriage has it's ups and downs.  Part of the human condition, life events, etc etc.  You write that you know it is because you find it hard not to displace your feelings of anger from her across onto him.  Does he know this?   Also, about the menopause.  I remember parts of that time for me too, I know I was edgier...so one day I just sat my poor H down and kind of explained the symptoms of menopause, and backed it up with good internet sources like the mayo clinic or Harvard.  I also told him I would try to monitor myself, but gave him license to gently remind me if I was lacking awareness. My H was palpably relieved after this talk, because until I told him what the real problem was (menopause and/or mother),  he thought he was the problem, or worse - that our marriage was changing. It was a big relief for him, and he was able to be more supportive after that.  We helped each other.  Not sure if this story of mine is helpful or not, but sometimes I have to remind myself it can be good just to go back to "relationship and communication 101 basics", especially after a lot of years together.

My parents live in a stunning part of the UK and I had to move away from there (a place I love) to get some distance in years ago. I have a lot of envy and grief about not being able to continue my life there as I had hoped.

I will freely admit that part of my coming back in to the fold was the carrot dangling of inheritance and I hang my head in shame about this

What I struggle with is that no matter what I do or say, I am just an object. I don't have feelings, if I try to rationalise with my mother or father they will simply get upset, "what have you got to be angry/sad/hurt/tired fo you don't have cancer...

"Hmm.  There's a lot going on here.  It would be more unusual or even a bit tragic if you didn't have those positive emotional feelings to the home and the land (and maybe property) where you came from, and also the desire to keep that as a part of you forever once your parents no longer live there.  Not being a part of that would be a "loss" of a part of your history that has good feelings and memories.  Nothing to hang your head in shame about there.  Also, it doesn't sound to me like your only motivation was "the inheritance".  It's probably much more complicated than that, so IMHO it's not something you should beat yourself up about.  There's nothing wrong with wanting to hang on to a part of the past that you enjoyed, and which is in the family.  I get that the "optics" might look like "the inheritance was the dangling carrot", but "optics" are usually simple and only scratch the surface.  The truth is usually much deeper and complicated.  The concerning part is more how your parents are choosing to use the inheritance as the "carrot", to manipulate you.  Did I interpret this correctly that they kinda did that?  I would see that behavior as the problem.  Not so much your choice to return to contact with your mom.  Even that decision was probably a lot more complicated than simply "inheritance".  It's kinda natural to have hope, or to want to patch things up before someone passes.  See what I'm saying?  I'm wondering if their distorted thinking first played a role in driving you away when you left home, also in bringing you back (the cancer and the carrot), and now also in you blaming and shaming yourself for thinking it's about the inheritance.  I'm just challenging your thinking a bit, and maybe proposing you don't need to be so hard on yourself. Just a couple of thoughts.

I am just tired of giving up my feelings to make hers okay.

Right. So stay the course and keep with your boundaries.  I get that not working during Covid gives her more access to you.  I knew when I retired that this was going to be a problem for me too.  At first, I didn't know how to make myself less available, but I kind of fell into volunteering, which not everyone can or wants to do, but it's worked for me, 'cause it kind of gives me an excuse to not always be available.  

I wonder though If I think I can fix her and I need to accept I can't.

So...(asking gently) "have you accepted her for who she is, and also accepted that you can't fix her"?  That was my turning point, to start moving forward...

About your mom's 75th B-D.  Good for you for knowing your limit, and that you "just couldn't do it".  That's respecting your own personal wellness boundary.  Chances are if you had gone to her in that frame of mind, something much worse could have happened.  It's ok to look after yourself.  You can tell her the truth - you were unwell.  She doesn't have to know more than that.  Don't JADE - explain or justify as that just gives her fuel to build a bigger fire.  I usually change the topic with my mom, which luckily works (she has severe ADHD - which I can use to my advantage in these moments).
 

the conversation yesterday was around other people's daughters and how amazing/kind/caring they are and that we are not close because I don't throw parties etc. for her.

Icky.  I got this "other people's daughters comments ALL the time too" (yesterday was the latest).  Those comments are going to keep coming.  The only thing you have control over is how you are going to react to those comments.  My mom wanted a "big bash" on her 80th.  I couldn't do it.  I got all those comments too.  Four years later I think my emotional reaction has gone down to a 1/10.  It does get better, if we keep working on ourselves.
Self-care is so important, because when you start to feel better, managing your reactions to her becomes much more doable.  How are you doing with the self-care?
 

[Goldcrest]

Methuen thank you. Some days I accept her that her personality disorder makes it impossible for her to tolerate her damage and the pain she causes. Some days we are getting along okay and I think I have reached her. I think...maybe she is getting it. Alas she can't hold on to anything which is why the eel analogy is so strong for me because you never get a fixed personality. What you get one day will be gone the next. Like my relationship with her is lived out in dreams and nightmares. The sad thing is that If only I could hold on to this knowledge, it would make my dealings with her so much less stressful. Yesterday we were in conflict, today she has forgotten all about it and is acting like nothing happened. She is back to victim/waif. So your comment about bringing the emotional response down is pertinent. I need to escape the repeated triangulation of my father as well.

I am only now seeing my father as enabler...and my own damage and unstable self. That I am angry when she is angry, happy when things are okay again...For my husband this is hard.

About your mom's 75th B-D.  Good for you for knowing your limit, and that you "just couldn't do it".  That's respecting your own personal wellness boundary.  Chances are if you had gone to her in that frame of mind, something much worse could have happened.  It's ok to look after yourself.  You can tell her the truth - you were unwell.  She doesn't have to know more than that.  Don't JADE - explain or justify as that just gives her fuel to build a bigger fire.  I usually change the topic with my mom, which luckily works (she has severe ADHD - which I can use to my advantage in these moments).

Completely agree...I knew if I had gone I would have been so upset at giving more for the same outcome. I recently did go the whole hog for her for another special occasion. I spent time printing and painting wrapping paper, presents, paid for a meal, being the daughter she describes. It all went unnoticed. A friend a the celebration pointed this out to me.
 
Self-care is so important, because when you start to feel better, managing your reactions to her becomes much more doable.  How are you doing with the self-care?
 Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Thank you for the hugs. Self-care is poor but I am starting to build it up again. I've only just discovered the joy of podcasts (always late to the party) so I am feasting on those when I need to get out of my head. x

[formflier]

To put things in perspective I can get periods of the week where if she is stable, I am stable. As soon as she is struggling or unhappy she pulls me under with her. So I guess I need to find ways to stop this happening. I think it is still early in my acknowledging the current patterns of my response and using boundaries. 

Lots of insight here. 

Is this something you would like to work on?

Best,

FF

[zachira]

You have described so many painful interactions with your mother, and you have hit on the one that is often the most distressing: how you never know what side of your mother you are going to see today, and how whatever hurtful things she has done in the past she seems to have completely forgotten. I think we all hold onto the hope that one day all we will see is the easier to get along side, the behaviors that suggest we might be able to have a loving respectful relationship with our mother all the time.

[Goldcrest]

FormFlyer, yes I need to work on keeping my mood more stable when my mother starts to escalate. To look out for the hooks and trapdoors. I can see that I start to feel either guilt or affection and then when the switch personalities I feel very hurt.

I think we all hold onto the hope that one day all we will see is the easier to get along side, the behaviors that suggest we might be able to have a loving respectful relationship with our mother all the time.

Zachira, yes to this. There have been times where I believed she would change that we were having a break through and I lapped it up but the promises get broken, the demands start to increase...I am trying to stay mindful of my own mood changes too.

[zachira]

It can sometimes help to realize that the love and care we get as infants are part of our self esteem throughout life. It is the internalized image, often mostly unconsious, of being loved and validated by our caregivers, that helps us to feel resilient and able to move forward in life, no matter how difficult the situation is. Those of us, who did not get this, will still feel a desire for this kind of unconditional love, no matter how old we are, as it is a natural part of the make up of any human being. I find it helps to recognize that is normal to go to this internalized feeling of how we were treated as infants and small children, that part of the distress is from the past, and some of it is in the present moment, as we all need to be loved and validated, no matter how old we are.
You are sometimes overwhelmed with the distress of how your mother treats you. Many of us on PSI, frequently experience this type of distress, and with time, we get better at finding ways to get the soothing we need, both from ourselves and the nurturing people we decide to surround ourselves with. There are days when the distress is more overwhelming than at other times. We are here to empathize with you.  

[BeARiver]

Hi Goldcrest,

I feel you. I am so sorry for what you're going through. I have the carrot of inheritance too. I went NC with my BPD mother 16 years ago. At the time, I knew she had a handful of mental illnesses like depression and anxiety but I had NO idea what BPD was until last year. I reconnected with her because a friend had told me that my mom had been talking about leaving the house (my only inheritance) to my cousins (who she barely knows). I was living out of the country but decided to test the waters and see if she had gotten any better. It is SO hard to not have a mother and the guilt was killing me, even though my head KNEW that it was her fault I had to cut her off, the heart still hopes. I reconnected and long story short, I moved back to the states and we started what I had hoped would be a fresh relationship. I had boundaries. I was older and stronger now. She did seem  better for a period of 3 years. There were definitely moments that made me twitch and want to run and hide, but I could tell that she was controlling herself. I now realize that she felt insecure and so she was on her good behavior. We set up the trust (but you should have heard the batPLEASE READ crazy demands in it that I had to carefully talk her out of) and I felt pretty good about things in general. I must say that now (as I am NC again) I realize that I had this constant level of anxiety and stress just having her back in my life again. My phone would ring, and I would jump and get a knot in my stomach. If she was at the house with me and my BF for a holiday, I couldn't relax because I was waiting for her to have an outburst and ruin it. It wasn't until last Jan, that she finally felt secure enough to unleash one of her typical full blown rages on me (for not returning a phone call the same day). I was at work when her hateful, emotionally manipulative rage email came in. I read it, and ran to my friend's office where I physically shook for an hour. I had no control over it. It was like I was 15 again and had no control. I wrote back and was rational, compassionate, blah blah blah. Of course, it didn't work at all. More rage was returned. I talked to some friends and they mentioned BPD. I looked into it. I read  Surviving a BPD parent and my brain exploded. I finally got it. I understood. I also understood that she will never ever change. She is almost 80 now and EXTREMELY set in her patterns. So, I went NC again. My quality of life with her in it is much lower than it is without her in it. I have had to let go of the hope of inheritance. She can change her mind and leave it to her dog now for all I know. But I have to say, that for me, it's worth it. She has no power over me anymore once I let that go. My peace of mind and quality of life is way more important. I deal with the guilt of not being there for her at this time in her life, but I remind myself every day, that she doesn't deserve for me to be there. SHE created this mess, not me. She emotionally and mentally abused me my whole life, and I will NOT let that continue to happen. She made her bed and now she can lay in it. It sounds harsh, but this is what gets me past the guilt. I hope this helps you see that you are not alone! Sending you a hug and lots of support.

[Goldcrest]

BeAriver thank you! I have just read your reply, sorry for you for what you have been through with your mum. The bit about her controlling her behaviour made me smile because I think that is what has happened with my mum. I think she has really worked hard to draw me in but the sicker she gets the more angry. If I am good and give my freedom and separateness up then they show me occasional warmth which I lap up. If I try to separate then I get vilified.

I will freely admit that the thing I struggle with is this weird sort of compassion/guilt. I have noticed that when I don't speak to her for a while (recently she has been ghosting me because she is angry) I start to feel sad for her and then I start to feel really really guilty. I think of how she is suffering and I worry that my father is disappointed in me...That the bit that is particularly tough that they triangulate me all the time. It's bad enough having one parent bad mouthing you but when the other is joining in (my dad) it really hurts me and I feel shame and guilt. I notice how quickly I switch from happy to very depressed if I think they are angry with me.

I think you are really brave and strong to go no contact and I know that if it wasn't for her cancer and I could afford to go back in to therapy then I probably would be doing that again. I did it for a few years in my 20s and they were probably the most productive years of my life.

[curious quandary]

Goldcrest, my heart goes out to you. 

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you.  Trying to be the loving and caring daughter by supporting your mother and father through some very scary stuff, and feeling horrible about yourself as a result of the things they say and do to you. You're doing your best, and sometimes that will never be enough for some people. That's not your fault, although it's easy to feel guilty about it.

Looking out for your own needs is not selfish. Self care is absolutely critical. I know this but often neglect it myself, downplaying its importance. Things tend to spiral when I let depression prevent me from doing the things I enjoy. It takes what seems like a monumental effort to motivate myself, but it's always worth it.

It's great that you have a puppy and are enjoying podcasts. Have you considered running again? It's difficult during the whole covid situation, but are there any running buddies you can connect with? Or even take the pup out for a jog? Do you have friends that you can talk to about this as well? Are there low cost alternatives to therapy? I honestly have no idea. Simple suggestions, but that's all I've got.

Yes we all hope that the BP's in our lives will change. We cling to the good moments and downplay the bad ones. Have you thought of ways to solidify your acceptance of things as they are? Maybe it's part of a grieving process. Idk...

Hang in there. You got this!

[Goldcrest]

thank you for your thoughtful reply curious quandary and good suggestions. I have started running a bit again, I suffer with anaemia and realised recently my bloods were off again so have been getting the iron in and now feel ready to get out running with a friend who is very uncomplicated to be with.

I will always be plagued by guilt with my mother. I have just come off the phone to her and the call is drenched in her disappointment with me. She talks about how she thought she would have her family at her bedside and how alone she is, how awful her life is now...I find it very hard to detach from the feeling of failure. That said only last year I would still have responded to this and visited at a great cost to myself. The difference is (and I see this as a positive) I physically can't bring myself to visit now. Even though I know it hurts her. I just don't have the energy anymore. I think that my growing self care is allowing myself to lean into the failure, shrug my shoulders at it.