CPTSD Breakthrough: I am the one who needs to change.

[hellosun]

Hello brave ones,

For it is brave to be here, facing what you really feel, and I thank you for setting an positive example for those of us still holding back due to fear.

I haven’t posted here for a while, though I sometimes lurk.

Last time I posted, I was suffering from mild psychosis brought on by a violent experience. My husband got drunk and attacked me.

That was three years ago. Just last month, he threatened me in a less serious, but nevertheless violent, manner. It brought back memories of my delusion and how it felt to be attacked. And I realized I had stuffed those emotions away. I hadn’t wanted to face how much that experience frightened and hurt me.

Furthermore, I realized I had been too scared to tell anyone. Not that I have any close friends I could tell, anyway...Due to chronic illness and autism, I am financially dependent upon my husband and quite isolated.

Anyway, I’ve been feeling burnt out with my husband’s emotional instability, and was going to post here to ask for advice regarding how to approach him to suggest therapy.

I am already in therapy, myself. I am endlessly kind and patient and forgiving to my husband. I use the communication skills I learned here. I deescalate. I let go.

But CPTSD has been affecting me a lot.

This recent violent situation brought up memories of how humiliated and worthless and ashamed I felt as a child when my parents would hurt me. When I went to the store afterwards, I didn’t want anyone to see my face.

And as I have been practicing accepting these difficult emotions, I realized something concerning...

Even after a decade of therapy, practicing self-compassion, breath work, mindfulness, and all the tools we use to heal...Deep down, where my inner child is curled up in a ball of shame, I believe I deserve to be punished by God.

It’s dark, and sad, and...I’m not sure how to replace that belief with something better.

So far, I have used EFT to process it. Do any of you use EFT? I like it for helping me to move through stuck emotions. Tomorrow in therapy, I will ask for advice about how to change core beliefs.

If anyone has anything to share about this, I am all ears.

Will update later.

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