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Topic: The 'state' in which you were left in (Read 887 times)
Hopeful83
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The 'state' in which you were left in
«
on:
November 17, 2015, 08:26:49 AM »
General topic. I just wondered what kind of 'state' your exes left you in when you ended. What I mean by that is I've read loads of stories of people whose breakups were horrific - whether that's because you were left jobless, homeless, kids were taken away from you etc. And whether any remorse was shown for the situation from your ex? I also recall stories of people being on the verge of marriage, engagement etc... .
I know breakups can get ugly, but it seems like in the stories that I read on here the exes really show little to no consideration to what state they leave you in. Is this part of the disorder? A general lack of compassion for the person you've left behind?
I ask because in my case my ex literally left me jobless and homeless. I was waiting for him to come join me so that we could get a place together and start a business. He showed no remorse for this, and when I said this to him he said "Well I'm jobless, too!" Totally overlooking the fact that he'd caused all the mess in the first place I've been living with my mum for the last five months while I try and piece everything back together.
We were also due to get engaged - he then got engaged to someone else after two months of us ending.
He hasn't once checked up on me, even though my sister was battling cancer at the time. Thankfully she's now in remission but I find it hard to understand how someone who just weeks before we broke up was the most loving guy I had ever met could turn so cold and disinterested in an instant.
Hopeful
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Bigmd
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #1 on:
November 17, 2015, 09:03:37 AM »
Hopeful , my BPD exgf didn't leave me quite that bad. Although who knows what would have happened if we went on to move in together and marry like we planned. However she did leave me heartbroken, confused , and broken. Like you, weeks before she was very much in love and telling me how great I treat her. I will add though 4 months later I am out of the fog.
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zundertowz
Formerly thirdeye
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #2 on:
November 17, 2015, 09:19:12 AM »
My ex left me in a pretty bad state. I was broke, lived in NYC so didn't have a car, and most of my good friend and family had moved out of NY. During the last 6 months of the relationship my ex knew she had me by the balls, when she would lose it she would force me out of the apt by saying she would call the cops and say I hit her. So there were a few nights I would spend sleeping on the subway. Living like this not only being abused, but threats of false arrest and being homeless all while getting attacked almost ended my life. I came up with a plan and vowed the next time I was forced out I would never go back. On a positive note 8 months later I live in sunny Florida near the beach where the cost of living is half of what it was in NY... .so I guess I have her to thank for that.
But the totally lack of empathy is one of the things that is really hard to get over. She also seemed to enjoy the power.
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juniorswailing
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #3 on:
November 17, 2015, 09:19:49 AM »
Relief!
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Michelle27
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #4 on:
November 17, 2015, 09:25:14 AM »
Quote from: juniorswailing on November 17, 2015, 09:19:49 AM
Relief!
For me too! This is likely because I am the one that ended it. That said, in the 5 months since I declared that I was done after a 3 month therapeutic separation I have come even more out of the FOG and know I have a lot of healing left to do but I'm ok with that. I need to stop beating myself up for staying as long as I did and subjecting myself and my kids to everything I have.
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guy4caligirl
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #5 on:
November 17, 2015, 09:36:57 AM »
But the totally lack of empathy is one of the things that is really hard to get over.[/quote]
In my opinion this is the worst state of mind you can ever experience after a break up with an ex BPD .
That's why we are left in a disarray of confusing and pain , but after a while when we recognize that it was cause by this wicked illness and getting involved here on this healing site and realizing you're not in this alone ,things get a whole lot better Remain NC and let go or you will be dragged as Mutt wrote .
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Confused108
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #6 on:
November 17, 2015, 10:52:33 AM »
Sooty you had to go through that hopeful83. Yes it seems that lack of caring, empathy, etc is one of the ways our BPD exs dish ou to us when it's time to leave us. My ex and myself were childhood loves. First loves. My Mom don't approve an threatened my ex to stay away from me. This I believe caused her to become what she has today. She contacted me 2 years ago via Facebook and wanted to talk about our past but I didn't want to bc I remember what I went through with her trying to get back together. Push /Pull love u don't. Dating other guys on the block etc. it broke my heart. Now this past June she told me she still loves me etc. wanted to get married me move to where ah lives now etc. So for 2 months we spoke on the phone did FaceTime until she was supposed to come meet me in Ny in October. Well guess what she dumped me with NO warning blamed me for everything ! I pursued her I came on to her etc! All lies. Took blame for nothing and told me she never loved me and didn't know why she ever said it in the 1st place. She wanted to remain friends but after what she pulled on me or the 2x time and waited patiently for me or 2 years until I eventually took her bait I never ever want to see her again. So yes they end things with us with no thought in their minds. No caring no remorse. I say mine is probably onto her next victim.
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greenmonkey
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #7 on:
November 17, 2015, 11:20:17 AM »
Quote from: juniorswailing on November 17, 2015, 09:19:49 AM
Relief!
When I removed my uBPDex from the house, changed the locks and removed all of her possessions to the garage, knowing that after she had picked up the last of her stuff within a timeframe determined by me - I would never be subjected to the rages, silent treatment, lying, cheating secretiveness, put downs, complaining, nothing was ever good enough, the entitlement to everything, the stealing and the list goes on and on again.
One year on - I wake up every day happy knowing she has no means of contacting me, and I am getting my self respect back I have come a long long way in a year.
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hashtag_loyal
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #8 on:
November 17, 2015, 12:40:04 PM »
My ex didn't leave me with anything that wasn't cleared up with a little anti-biotics!
In all seriousness, I really fared far better than most on this board. It's only been a month, but I already feel like I am 99% past this.
In the case of my ex, I definitely feel like she felt compassion for how she had treated me. I'll always remember the way she looked at me when she was leaving after getting her stuff. So much loss and pain. I think someone much earlier on this board said it best, by describing the look you get when you drop off a baby bunny all alone at the pet store. Yup.
I did get a confession and sincere apology from my ex eventually, but it really took a lot. I think it took me threatening to go complete NC for her to find the courage to face herself, if only for a short while. I have had only superficial contact with her since then, and I believe it is because that experience was so troubling for her.
I feel like a lot of pwBPD really do feel bad for how poorly they have treated you, but will never admit it for fear of triggering such deep feelings of personal shame. So much of their behavior is about distracting themselves from the inner pain and frantically trying to avoid the absolutely terrifying process of self-reflection and personal responsibility.
As far as whether pwBPD are capable of showing consideration for your feelings when choosing their actions? I believe they are not capable of that, at least without hard, purposeful effort. These people exist in a perpetual "fight or flight" sense of panic. A panicked person is always going to be incapable of considering the needs of someone else, and is barely only able to consider his or her own needs at a very basic level.
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Learning Fast
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #9 on:
November 17, 2015, 12:52:50 PM »
I was actually discarded within hours (at that point it was about a year-long relationship). It was on a Friday when she was out of town and we had been texting back and forth like we usually did throughout the morning. Then there was nothing until around 5 pm when I received this gem: "I'm moving on".? What? Huh? I'm in my mid 50s and don't think I've been that stunned in my life (although to be transparent, we hadn't moved in together, discussed engagement, or anything like that---I can see where it would be many times more devastating if that was the case).
We reconnected for a lengthy recycle about two months later and discussed the "method of disposal". She looked at me expressionless and said "What was wrong with that?" Hmm. A couple of months later we discussed this again and this time she completely denied that she had ever left me. What the heck?
It all would have been significantly worse without the resources on this site that I learned from prior to the recycle. That helped put her behavior in context. Read, read, read and learn, learn, learn helps immensely.
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Forteventur
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #10 on:
November 17, 2015, 12:58:40 PM »
I wasn't left in anywhere near a bad position as others, except the emotional mess that I think almost everyone has gone through.
She left me rubbing on my face that she had someone else (but later saying she had never cheated on me and admitting she was seeing 2 guys at the same time now, though). She absolutely hates, despises me. To her, I'm everything that's wrong in the world and more. I make her sick, and things we both wanted to do, she attacks me for them and says that she feels disgusted at me, despite having enjoyed it too.
Every time I've tried to contact her since then I've been met with pure hostility, and every mistake I've made in the course of our relationship is repeatedly thrown at my face. She was perfect, of course, not a single error, I was always lying, even when I couldnt answer a text at the same minute and would then be blocked everywhere for two days.
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Infern0
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #11 on:
November 17, 2015, 01:09:01 PM »
The first time round I was utterly broken. I'd suffered a nervous breakdown, my job was in serious doubt and I was a complete mess. My physical health was in a bad state as well, it was pretty desperate.
Subsequent recycles have left me heartbroken but they haven't been as bad as the first partly because I'm educated on the disorder and so I've basically seen it coming so there's no shock factor more just "not this again"
That's not to say it isn't painful but the shock aspect isn't there. Truth is after the first time I've never really trusted her not to do it again and I've been proven right on that stance
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Beach_Babe
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #12 on:
November 17, 2015, 02:41:54 PM »
Quote from: Forteventur on November 17, 2015, 12:58:40 PM
She absolutely hates, despises me. To her, I'm everything that's wrong in the world and more. I make her sick, and things we both wanted to do, she attacks me for them and says that she feels disgusted at me, despite having enjoyed it too.
My ex feels the same, and that has been the hardest realization: the black is permanent.
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Mr Hollande
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #13 on:
November 17, 2015, 03:35:37 PM »
I was riding high on a wave of success for my band when she dropped the bomb. Our new album had received rave reviews with well attended to sell out gigs off the back of it. Many years of hard work had finally paid off but instead of enjoying it I felt like none of it mattered.
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MSNYC
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #14 on:
November 17, 2015, 04:01:54 PM »
Mine consisted of a few weeks of his rages, drinking binges, drug addled blackouts, crying fits, inconsistent stories, losing friends, etc. Then there were a few conversations where he did such serious black/white splitting with me that I was like, eff this, I'm out! So I didn't have the serious financial, familial, social ramifications that many on this board did.
Emotionally however, it has been hard. We had a lovely year together before he stopped taking his meds (unknown to me) and went nuts. I miss that stability.
Also, as we are LC now, I know he has deep deep remorse and shame over what happened with us.
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Hopeful83
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #15 on:
November 18, 2015, 05:14:49 AM »
Wow, so many difficult stories. It really is a kick in the teeth to have the person you loved turn their back on you like you never existed.
At the start I found it hard to reconcile the man he was in the relationship (well, the good points) with this heartless monster.
During the first few weeks of the breakup I was in an utter mess. So much so that I fell down the stairs one morning and fell badly on my elbow. I was in agony for days. My friend was so worried about me that she messaged him to tell him what had been going on and he said "I'll take care of it." What did he do? He had his friend message me to see how I was doing. His sodding friend. Well, at least that's what I guessed happened, as she was messaging me incessantly the day after my friend had told him what state I had been in. I'm not quite sure why he thought asking his friend to message translated into a good deed when my friend was already looking after me in that regard.
This further proves his cowardice and total disregard for me as a person. I know for a fact that if the tables had been turned and he was doing badly I would not behave the way that he did. And to never even ask me how my sister, who had cancer, was doing tells me everything I need to know about this man.
To this day my elbow hurts from time to time - particularly when I'm cold. Whenever I feel the pain it serves as a reminder for how awful he was to me during and after the breakup, and it stops me from missing him.
Hopeful
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Confused108
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #16 on:
November 18, 2015, 08:55:19 AM »
Hopeful this reminds me of something with my ex. The day before she dumped me I was in a major car accident that almost killed me. Friends in my FB page were asking how I was etc and my ex found out about it and never even gave me a phone call. All she did was post on my FB page sorry for what happen to you please take care of you. That was it! No real concern or anything. That night she writes me an email dumping me. Not even the consideration to call me and do it! And this was my 1st love btw. Childhood friends before we became involved. These individuals are so sick in the head it makes me crazy thinking about it. I know that they can't help what they have but at times I feel they all just need a good kick right in their A**!
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Hopeful83
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #17 on:
November 18, 2015, 09:58:59 AM »
Quote from: Confused108 on November 18, 2015, 08:55:19 AM
Hopeful this reminds me of something with my ex. The day before she dumped me I was in a major car accident that almost killed me. Friends in my FB page were asking how I was etc and my ex found out about it and never even gave me a phone call. All she did was post on my FB page sorry for what happen to you please take care of you. That was it! No real concern or anything. That night she writes me an email dumping me. Not even the consideration to call me and do it! And this was my 1st love btw. Childhood friends before we became involved. These individuals are so sick in the head it makes me crazy thinking about it. I know that they can't help what they have but at times I feel they all just need a good kick right in their A**!
Wow that is INCREDIBLY heartless. So sorry to hear about that. It's impossible to figure out their behaviour. The 'switch' is scary when it comes, especially when the ex had been so caring in the past. My ex would look after me so well when I was ill; he'd cook, clean, bring me little gifts to cheer me up. To go from this to total and utter coldness is a shock to the system. He also cared about my family like they were his own - after we broke up he never once got in touch with a single one of them to apologise for his behaviour or to try and explain himself. Nothing! And he used to say he was closer with my brothers than his own. Unbelievable.
Look after yourself.
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C.Stein
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #18 on:
November 18, 2015, 10:44:59 AM »
Quote from: Hopeful83 on November 18, 2015, 09:58:59 AM
It's impossible to figure out their behaviour. The 'switch' is scary when it comes, especially when the ex had been so caring in the past. My ex would look after me so well when I was ill; he'd cook, clean, bring me little gifts to cheer me up. To go from this to total and utter coldness is a shock to the system. He also cared about my family like they were his own - after we broke up he never once got in touch with a single one of them to apologise for his behaviour or to try and explain himself. Nothing! And he used to say he was closer with my brothers than his own. Unbelievable.
Isn't that the hardest thing to reconcile? How they can go from a loving, caring person to cold hearted, void of any emotions in such a short period of time. It is unbelievably painful to be "deleted" like you never existed and they never had any feelings for you at all.
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Confused108
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #19 on:
November 18, 2015, 11:10:45 AM »
Yup it's is devestating to think that a person that you love with all your heart and soul just dump you with no emotion or feeling. I called my ex a sociopath. I will be honest it felt so damn good to tell her off. Email of course. I would not give her the satisfaction of ever hearing my voice again. I am so angry at her and I don't ever see myself ever forgiving her for what she did to me this time around. For me there will be NO Recyling at all if she did ever come back. I told her already I would never take her back even if she tried. I just still can't get over what these individuals do to good hearted people. The ones that really love and care for them the most. To be close to people then turn off the switch with not a care in the world. I doubt my ex even gives me a thought . Like I had mentioned on another post she is most likely onto her next victim.
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cosmonaut
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #20 on:
November 18, 2015, 11:12:14 AM »
Quote from: C.Stein on November 18, 2015, 10:44:59 AM
Isn't that the hardest thing to reconcile? How they can go from a loving, caring person to cold hearted, void of any emotions in such a short period of time. It is unbelievably painful to be "deleted" like you never existed and they never had any feelings for you at all.
This is a result of the Detached Protector. I'll quote from
an article by Jeffrey Young, Ph.D. and Janet Klosko, Ph.D.
Excerpt
The Abandoned Child mode is the suffering inner child. It is the part of the patient that feels most of the schemas – that feels the pain of the abandonment, abuse, deprivation, defectiveness, subjugation. The Angry Child mode is predominant when the patient is enraged because her basic emotional needs are not being met. The Punitive Parent mode is the internalized voice of the parent, criticizing and punishing the patient. When the Punitive Parent mode is activated, the patient becomes a cruel persecutor, usually of herself.
In the Detached Protector mode, the patient shuts off all emotions, disconnects from others, and functions like a machine.
The Healthy Adult mode is weak to nonexistent in the borderline patient, especially at the beginning of treatment. In a sense this is the whole problem – borderline patients have no soothing parental mode to calm and care for them. This contributes significantly to their inability to tolerate separation. The therapist models the Healthy Adult for the patient, and the patient eventually internalizes the therapist’s attitudes, affects, and behaviors as this mode. It is the goal of treatment to build the patient's Healthy Adult mode in order to nurture and protect the Abandoned Child, teach the Angry Child more appropriate ways of expressing anger, defeat and expel the Punitive Parent, and replace the Detached Protector.
Excerpt
Except for those who are very severe, borderline patients typically spend most of their time in the Detached Protector mode. The function of this mode is to cut off emotional needs, disconnect from others, and behave submissively in order to avoid punishment.
When borderline patients are in the Detached Protector mode, they often appear normal. They are “good patients.” They do everything they are supposed to do and they act appropriately. They come to their sessions on time, do their homework, and pay for their sessions promptly. They do not act out nor lose control of their emotions. In fact, many therapists inadvertently reinforce this mode. The problem is that, when patients are in this mode, they are cut off from their own needs and feelings. Rather than being true to themselves, they are basing their identity on gaining the therapist’s approval. They are doing what the therapist wants them to do but they are not really connecting to the therapist. Sometimes therapists spend a whole treatment with a borderline patient, never realizing that the patient is in the Detached Protector mode nearly the entire time. The patient does not make significant progress, but rather just floats from session to session, feeling nothing and attaching to no one.
Signs and symptoms of the Detached Protector mode include depersonalization, emptiness, boredom, substance abuse, binging, self-mutilation, psychosomatic complaints, “blankness,” and robot-like compliance. Patients often switch into the Detached Protector mode when their feelings are stirred up in sessions in order to cut the feelings off. When patients are in the Detached Protector mode, the therapist's broad strategy is to help them experience emotions as they arise without blocking, reconnect to others, and express their needs.
It is important to realize that one mode can activate another mode. For example, a patient might express a need in the Abandoned Child mode, and then switch into the Punitive Parent mode to punish herself for expressing the need, then switch into the Detached Protector to escape the pain of the punishment.
The Detached Protector mode is the reason why our exes are able to seemingly forget us so easily. It may seem like the emotion ceases to exist, but it does not. It is simply locked away. Shut away where it can't hurt them. It is a defense mechanism they learned early in life to tolerate life with such extreme emotions, especially when those extreme emotions were not tended to or even recognized. It is indeed extremely painful for us to experience, however. I completely agree.
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Confused108
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #21 on:
November 18, 2015, 11:15:13 AM »
Wow that is INCREDIBLY heartless. So sorry to hear about that. It's impossible to figure out their behaviour. The 'switch' is scary when it comes, especially when the ex had been so caring in the past. My ex would look after me so well when I was ill; he'd cook, clean, bring me little gifts to cheer me up. To go from this to total and utter coldness is a shock to the system. He also cared about my family like they were his own - after we broke up he never once got in touch with a single one of them to apologise for his behaviour or to try and explain himself. Nothing! And he used to say he was closer with my brothers than his own. Unbelievable.
Hopeful that is just terrible. I know th feeling all too well. The phase when you are there everything and then boom your nothing but dog poop under their shoe. My ex at the end told me I was texting her too much and I was obsessed with her when just 3 days before she texted me she was missing me so bad she was climbing the walls. It's crazy!
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Confused108
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #22 on:
November 18, 2015, 11:21:35 AM »
Cosmonot it's funny you should post this but it does make a hell of a lot of sense to me now. When my ex contacted me again and we spoke of our teen relationship she did tell me that regarding me she had to her exact words" Totally disconnect to deal with losing me" . My mother didn't like her and kind out we were dating and basically threatened her. After this she was never the same person. She became the person she is now. She herself also said she blocks things out that hurt her. So what you just posted makes a lot of sense. Thank you!
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C.Stein
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #23 on:
November 18, 2015, 11:55:11 AM »
Quote from: Confused108 on November 18, 2015, 11:10:45 AM
I doubt my ex even gives me a thought . Like I had mentioned on another post she is most likely onto her next victim.
Doubt mine even thinks of me either and she has replaced me. Looks like she was already getting involved with him while we were still together, which just makes the cold-hearted deletion all the more painful.
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zundertowz
Formerly thirdeye
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #24 on:
November 18, 2015, 12:06:27 PM »
What makes it tough is all our exes are different. It's a spectrum disorder and most of the time is co-morbid with other mental illnesses. So trying to figure out what's going on in someone else's exes minds through articles or text books is pretty much useless. Knowing my ex and her history she could care less about me... used me to fill a need then on to the next. It hurts but it's the truth.
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Hopeful83
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #25 on:
November 18, 2015, 12:55:03 PM »
Quote from: cosmonaut on November 18, 2015, 11:12:14 AM
The Detached Protector mode is the reason why our exes are able to seemingly forget us so easily. It may seem like the emotion ceases to exist, but it does not. It is simply locked away. Shut away where it can't hurt them. It is a defense mechanism they learned early in life to tolerate life with such extreme emotions, especially when those extreme emotions were not tended to or even recognized. It is indeed extremely painful for us to experience, however. I completely agree.
Thanks for this. Makes a lot of sense. It did feel like he was in some sort of weird robotic mode - one I had never seen from him before (well, not to that extent!). It just wasn't normal! When I told him it was over he didn't shed a single tear or even look that bothered. He said "I know it looks like I don't care, but I really do." And I just stared at him wondering what the hell was going on. What made it worse was that this all happened via Skype, making it even easier for him to detach the way he did.
It felt like the man I'd spent three years of my life with had turned into a stranger in the space of two week. Such a traumatic experience; it makes me shudder when I replay it all in my head :'(
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Hopeful83
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #26 on:
November 18, 2015, 01:05:46 PM »
Quote from: Confused108 on November 18, 2015, 11:15:13 AM
Wow that is INCREDIBLY heartless. So sorry to hear about that. It's impossible to figure out their behaviour. The 'switch' is scary when it comes, especially when the ex had been so caring in the past. My ex would look after me so well when I was ill; he'd cook, clean, bring me little gifts to cheer me up. To go from this to total and utter coldness is a shock to the system. He also cared about my family like they were his own - after we broke up he never once got in touch with a single one of them to apologise for his behaviour or to try and explain himself. Nothing! And he used to say he was closer with my brothers than his own. Unbelievable.
Hopeful that is just terrible. I know th feeling all too well. The phase when you are there everything and then boom your nothing but dog poop under their shoe. My ex at the end told me I was texting her too much and I was obsessed with her when just 3 days before she texted me she was missing me so bad she was climbing the walls. It's crazy!
Totally crazy.
The thing that pains me about my ex is that he knew that whatever was 'happening' to him was wrong. Or so he claimed. When he said he'd seen his ex (and when I say ex I mean it in the loosest possible way - they knew each other in high school and had never properly dated! Plus he told me she messed him around repeatedly, a story his friends confirmed for me) and couldn't stop thinking about her, he followed it up by saying he knew that what he was feeling wasn't normal and that he was going to go and see a therapist about it. I still ended it because he made it sound like he was going to make a choice between me and her. Sorry, if you feel the need to choose between your girlfriend of three years who has always been there for you and some high school brat you knew years back (and who broke your heart) then you're not worthy of my time. Any normal, stable person would have fought for their girlfriend, but what did he do? He turned his back on me and came up with the most ridiculous explanation for his actions.
And here is the part that's difficult to come to terms with. His family didn't want us together, as I don't belong to the same religion/culture as them, so I know that they played a massive part in us breaking up. He said he went to the therapist in the end, and the 'therapist' told him that he was only with me out of guilt for three years, and to prove to himself he could love someone more than the ex! Yes, despite the fact he called me the love of his life, told me he wanted to marry me, loved and cared for my family, travelled the world with me etc. Oh and this brilliant therapist told him that his rage was due to the frustration he felt in the relationship - haha, that was the best part! Because tying a belt around your neck when you're raging is a normal response to a small argument.
So I'm now convinced that the family paid off the 'therapist' (not impossible in the country he comes from) to tell him what they wanted him to hear, because this therapist's analysis of the situation was absolutely ridiculous. I'm no therapist, but I studied psychology, read a lot etc and I know what this person said just didn't make sense. If this is the case it pains me because he clearly knew that what he was doing was wrong, wanted help, but was surrounded by people who didn't want us together in the first place. I'm not justifying him at all, but if you're already battling demons, having people who hinder your potential progress does not help.
Either that or he never went to the therapist and made up all this nonsense by himself to justify his inexplicable actions.
Gosh, what a mess it was. When I think back to what a confusing mess the breakup was I'm surprised I've made the progress that I have in five months.
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Hopeful83
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #27 on:
November 18, 2015, 01:11:21 PM »
Quote from: thirdeye on November 18, 2015, 12:06:27 PM
What makes it tough is all our exes are different. It's a spectrum disorder and most of the time is co-morbid with other mental illnesses.
So trying to figure out what's going on in someone else's exes minds through articles or text books is pretty much useless.
Knowing my ex and her history she could care less about me... used me to fill a need then on to the next. It hurts but it's the truth.
Precisely. That's why eventually I had to stop going through it all in my head and resign myself to the fact that I'll probably never know. I narrowed it down to two plausible explanations - BPD or cultural issues - although in all likelihood it was a combination of the two. And I closed the police file there. If I ever get any intel that's 'solid' enough to warrant me opening the file again I'd revisit, but for now it's closed and on a shelf.
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Learning Fast
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #28 on:
November 18, 2015, 05:30:58 PM »
Cosmonaut,
Great post as it really resonates with me. When she first disappeared about a year ago (after about a year long relationship) we texted back and forth (prior to the eventual recycle) and she would comment that "our relationship was stored in her vault that was locked" and how reconnecting would be "too painful for her to unlock the relationship". Initially I thought---what, huh? I had never heard that one before. Now it makes all the sense in the world.
Since we parted in late June we've seen each other maybe four or fives times. Each time has been exactly like the Young quote---unemotional, disconnected and robotic. Any past experiences that we shared that happened to come up in conversation were met with a look on her face like they didn't register (or more likely it was too painful to remember). Like HF83 said---it was like I was talking to an aquaintance or stranger. This is something that you have to live thru to actually believe.
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SummerStorm
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #29 on:
November 18, 2015, 06:41:47 PM »
Quote from: Learning Fast on November 18, 2015, 05:30:58 PM
Cosmonaut,
Great post as it really resonates with me. When she first disappeared about a year ago (after about a year long relationship) we texted back and forth (prior to the eventual recycle) and she would comment that "our relationship was stored in her vault that was locked" and how reconnecting would be "too painful for her to unlock the relationship". Initially I thought---what, huh? I had never heard that one before. Now it makes all the sense in the world.
Since we parted in late June we've seen each other maybe four or fives times. Each time has been exactly like the Young quote---unemotional, disconnected and robotic. Any past experiences that we shared that happened to come up in conversation were met with a look on her face like they didn't register (or more likely it was too painful to remember). Like HF83 said---it was like I was talking to an aquaintance or stranger. This is something that you have to live thru to actually believe.
I know that look and that response so well. Mine locked everything about our friendship and our sexual relationship away. She refuses to talk about any of it. When she reconnected with me, she refused to acknowledge the first discard.
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #30 on:
November 18, 2015, 06:42:20 PM »
Quote from: Learning Fast on November 18, 2015, 05:30:58 PM
Each time has been exactly like the Young quote---unemotional, disconnected and robotic. Any past experiences that we shared that happened to come up in conversation were met with a look on her face like they didn't register (or more likely it was too painful to remember). Like HF83 said---it was like I was talking to an aquaintance or stranger. This is something that you have to live thru to actually believe.
This is what it was like the last time I saw my ex when we exchanged some things. At that point it had been about 2 months since the final discard. I found out a couple of weeks after that she had already replaced me according to her, by the looks of it only probably happened weeks at best after the final discard. I thought I saw a hint of emotions a couple of times but that got locked down by her in a hurry. She was like a stranger talking to someone she casually knew. It was extremely painful to see that.
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Learning Fast
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #31 on:
November 18, 2015, 10:04:08 PM »
SS and C.Stein,
Are you sure that we weren't involved with the same woman? Or perhaps they are triplets.
After our June parting she hooked up with someone within days. It was late August before we saw each other again. It was stunning in terms of how quickly I had moved from lover to acquaintance in her life. Beyond that, she continued to maintain that my replacement was just a "friend" and nothing more. I guess anything to keep the recycle door open a crack. Thank goodness I found this site or I would have most probably bought into the ruse.
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jTrue426
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #32 on:
November 18, 2015, 10:43:53 PM »
Mine left me after contributing to the deterioration of my mental and physical health the loss of my career, and oh yeah; she left while I was in a coma.
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Beach_Babe
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #33 on:
November 18, 2015, 10:54:45 PM »
Quote from: thirdeye on November 17, 2015, 09:19:12 AM
My ex left me in a pretty bad state. I was broke, lived in NYC so didn't have a car, and most of my good friend and family had moved out of NY. During the last 6 months of the relationship my ex knew she had me by the balls, when she would lose it she would force me out of the apt by saying she would call the cops and say I hit her. So there were a few nights I would spend sleeping on the subway. Living like this not only being abused, but threats of false arrest and being homeless all while getting attacked almost ended my life. I came up with a plan and vowed the next time I was forced out I would never go back. On a positive note 8 months later I live in sunny Florida near the beach where the cost of living is half of what it was in NY... .so I guess I have her to thank for that.
But the totally lack of empathy is one of the things that is really hard to get over. She also seemed to enjoy the power.
My ex did this to me while pregnant. I'm happy to hear you got away from her.
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jimmy99
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #34 on:
November 18, 2015, 10:59:27 PM »
How common is it for a BPD ex to leave totally out of the blue?
Is there usually a trigger? Do they regret it?
One day my ex is telling me she wants to grow old with me. Literally the next day she went back to her ex-husband.
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Hopeful83
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #35 on:
November 19, 2015, 01:01:26 AM »
Quote from: jimmy99 on November 18, 2015, 10:59:27 PM
How common is it for a BPD ex to leave totally out of the blue?
Is there usually a trigger? Do they regret it?
One day my ex is telling me she wants to grow old with me
. Literally the next day she went back to her ex-husband.
This is one statement I kept hearing over and over again. Weeks later he was 'unsure' about how he felt about me and then moved onto someone else.
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Confused108
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #36 on:
November 19, 2015, 07:55:45 AM »
Quote from: Hopeful83 on November 18, 2015, 01:05:46 PM
Quote from: Confused108 on November 18, 2015, 11:15:13 AM
Wow that is INCREDIBLY heartless. So sorry to hear about that. It's impossible to figure out their behaviour. The 'switch' is scary when it comes, especially when the ex had been so caring in the past. My ex would look after me so well when I was ill; he'd cook, clean, bring me little gifts to cheer me up. To go from this to total and utter coldness is a shock to the system. He also cared about my family like they were his own - after we broke up he never once got in touch with a single one of them to apologise for his behaviour or to try and explain himself. Nothing! And he used to say he was closer with my brothers than his own. Unbelievable.
Hopeful that is just terrible. I know th feeling all too well. The phase when you are there everything and then boom your nothing but dog poop under their shoe. My ex at the end told me I was texting her too much and I was obsessed with her when just 3 days before she texted me she was missing me so bad she was climbing the walls. It's crazy!
Totally crazy.
The thing that pains me about my ex is that he knew that whatever was 'happening' to him was wrong. Or so he claimed. When he said he'd seen his ex (and when I say ex I mean it in the loosest possible way - they knew each other in high school and had never properly dated! Plus he told me she messed him around repeatedly, a story his friends confirmed for me) and couldn't stop thinking about her, he followed it up by saying he knew that what he was feeling wasn't normal and that he was going to go and see a therapist about it. I still ended it because he made it sound like he was going to make a choice between me and her. Sorry, if you feel the need to choose between your girlfriend of three years who has always been there for you and some high school brat you knew years back (and who broke your heart) then you're not worthy of my time. Any normal, stable person would have fought for their girlfriend, but what did he do? He turned his back on me and came up with the most ridiculous explanation for his actions.
And here is the part that's difficult to come to terms with. His family didn't want us together, as I don't belong to the same religion/culture as them, so I know that they played a massive part in us breaking up. He said he went to the therapist in the end, and the 'therapist' told him that he was only with me out of guilt for three years, and to prove to himself he could love someone more than the ex! Yes, despite the fact he called me the love of his life, told me he wanted to marry me, loved and cared for my family, travelled the world with me etc. Oh and this brilliant therapist told him that his rage was due to the frustration he felt in the relationship - haha, that was the best part! Because tying a belt around your neck when you're raging is a normal response to a small argument.
So I'm now convinced that the family paid off the 'therapist' (not impossible in the country he comes from) to tell him what they wanted him to hear, because this therapist's analysis of the situation was absolutely ridiculous. I'm no therapist, but I studied psychology, read a lot etc and I know what this person said just didn't make sense. If this is the case it pains me because he clearly knew that what he was doing was wrong, wanted help, but was surrounded by people who didn't want us together in the first place. I'm not justifying him at all, but if you're already battling demons, having people who hinder your potential progress does not help.
Either that or he never went to the therapist and made up all this nonsense by himself to justify his inexplicable actions.
Gosh, what a mess it was. When I think back to what a confusing mess the breakup was I'm surprised I've made the progress that I have in five months.
Omg that is NUTS! I swear these people have all the answers! My ex after she dumped me went from we as adults are not compatable! Lie #1 that's why we would talk on the phone almost every night for 5 to 6 hours straight 7 days a week! Lie #2. I was pressing for marriage and wanted to move in with her and she said exact words "It's was all too fast!" My ex was the one who right away mentioned to me about getting married and moving in with her. Lie #3 I was so angry and this is the best part she could not see herself with someone who had no control over their own emotions! Exact words. I got crazy on her and basically told her off after she dumped me and that was what she was taking about. Something that happened way after she cut me lose. That God everything she said as to why she dumped me I saved in text messages. So I threw everything back on her. Her saying she wanted marriage . Her saying move in with me . How I told her off After she dumped me. Her telling me HOW COMPATIBLE we were! And yep I sent it to her and she didn't k ow what to say! Then it needed up being a totally different story that now it didn't matter who did what it said what! Lol! Yea when all her bs lies of why she wanted out were shot down with my proof from her texts to me she was dumbfounded!
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Confused108
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #37 on:
November 19, 2015, 07:59:21 AM »
Oh and something that I totally forgot to mention was did anyone here ever go through one day they wanted you as their lover and that same day or the next they were saying you were just friends? That's what my charming ex did right before the end! It was NUTs!
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zundertowz
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #38 on:
November 20, 2015, 11:10:26 AM »
Quote from: Confused108 on November 19, 2015, 07:59:21 AM
Oh and something that I totally forgot to mention was did anyone here ever go through one day they wanted you as their lover and that same day or the next they were saying you were just friends? That's what my charming ex did right before the end! It was NUTs!
My ex was forcing me to get married less than a week before she wanted me dead, I was never gonna marry her but it's still nuts to think about.
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joeramabeme
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #39 on:
November 20, 2015, 01:04:23 PM »
Bewildered... . Still am
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Hopeful83
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #40 on:
November 20, 2015, 01:19:36 PM »
Quote from: joeramabeme on November 20, 2015, 01:04:23 PM
Bewildered... . Still am
Yeah, I still have days when I feel like this and I'm coming up to my six month post-breakup. There will always be a big question mark over what happened, but it's becoming less and less important over time (thankfully).
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Beach_Babe
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #41 on:
November 20, 2015, 02:06:38 PM »
Hey hopeful, you seem to be making great progress. How do cope with those moments when they arise?
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Hopeful83
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #42 on:
November 21, 2015, 02:21:28 AM »
Quote from: Beach_Babe on November 20, 2015, 02:06:38 PM
Hey hopeful, you seem to be making great progress. How do cope with those moments when they arise?
Hey Beach Babe
I am having a better week, yes. I won't lie, though; this process has very much been one step forward, two steps back. A month or so ago I was starting to get frustrated with myself, thinking I should have been over it by now, and I realised this frustration does NOT help. So now when I feel the feelings of sadness, anger etc whatever it is, I just lean into it and then let it go. I don't judge myself for feeling it. I remind myself that I've been through a lot in a short space of time, and that I need to allow myself the space to readjust to these changes.
The other thing I have to do sometimes is remind myself of the cold, hard facts. My ex, BPD or no BPD, treated me absolutely atrociously in the end. He walked away like I was nothing after three good years of l living together and sharing our lives together. He also walked away from me when my sister was battling cancer and my brother was ill in hospital. Despite the good times we had, I recognise now that there were plenty of red flags as to the state of his mental health (the weekly rages being the main one), and he was never serious enough about getting help. And in the end he projected everything onto me, gave me reasons that made zero sense and walked away from me just like that! He got engaged to someone else within two months after we'd been planning on getting engaged this year.
These cold facts help me to look forward. Is this the kind of person I want to build a future with and have children with? No. Did I make mistakes in the relationship? Yes, but NONE that warranted this kind of behaviour. I was a loving, supportive and loyal girlfriend. I deserve far, far, far better than to be treated like this.
I also then also realise that to have put up with his rages I was sacrificing myself and my own sanity. So it's clear I need to learn a lot of self-love. I'm glad this breakup has highlighted that for me.
And so by thinking this, it usually gets rid of whatever I'm feeling at the time (I have moments when I wonder if I could have done more, for example, or when I wonder if I drove him away (?)). I then shift the focus back onto myself and ask myself "What do I need right now?" And I do it - whether it's reading an uplifting book, taking a walk, writing in my journal etc.
It took me a long time to get to this point, but I'm glad the emotions are becoming far more manageable now.
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Beach_Babe
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #43 on:
November 21, 2015, 06:18:22 AM »
That is so encouraging to hear! How are your siblings doing now?
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Hopeful83
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #44 on:
November 21, 2015, 08:10:21 AM »
Quote from: Beach_Babe on November 21, 2015, 06:18:22 AM
That is so encouraging to hear! How are your siblings doing now?
Thankfully my sister entered 'remission' just the other week and my brother is due to an have operation next year (but he's fine). Thank you for asking
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SummerStorm
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #45 on:
November 21, 2015, 12:04:03 PM »
Quote from: Learning Fast on November 18, 2015, 10:04:08 PM
SS and C.Stein,
Are you sure that we weren't involved with the same woman? Or perhaps they are triplets.
After our June parting she hooked up with someone within days. It was late August before we saw each other again. It was stunning in terms of how quickly I had moved from lover to acquaintance in her life. Beyond that, she continued to maintain that my replacement was just a "friend" and nothing more. I guess anything to keep the recycle door open a crack. Thank goodness I found this site or I would have most probably bought into the ruse.
Haha! Maybe. By my count, mine has had about 10 relationships (that I know of) in the past two years or so, not including her affair with me, so I guess anything is possible.
Mine told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend but never told me that she was seeing someone new. I figured she was, since a few weeks after she broke up with the other guy, a new guy I'd never heard of before liked her profile pic on FB, months after she had posted it. On September 10th, she went out to dinner with him. On September 11th, she discarded me for the second time. On September 30th, she posted about how he cheated on her. On October 6th, she was telling a new guy that she wanted to run away with him. Keep in mind that these two were replacements for the guy she called "the reason she would fight to stay alive."
It really is crazy how a BPD relationship basically goes in reverse. It starts with intimacy, fades into acquaintanceship, and then just ends. I was there for her when she was in the hospital, was at work when she sent me a final text on the day she almost died and then had to summon the strength to teach all day, text her boyfriend in between classes, and update the office on how she was doing. I held her when she was hurting. At one point, she thought she would eventually marry me. And then... .nothing. It was like none of that had happened.
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
joel6242
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #46 on:
November 21, 2015, 12:39:41 PM »
I understand your situation very well. I was left with a huge nightmare that can not be fixed until next year. Some days I pray for death. I am not homeless but was left with an avalanche of stuff. I am confident that I will get out of this mess after next year. All I can say is that I will pray for you.
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JSF13
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #47 on:
November 21, 2015, 04:38:06 PM »
Mine seems to have 0 remorse for anything she has done. She claims victim. Blames me for her behavior. She is aware that she has had something wrong for a long time. She also finds comfort in being able to manipulate anyone at anytime to believe whatever she wants them to think. She goes as far as bragging about being able to do it. My life is currently in shambles and she couldn't care at all. It hurts the most because I think we (The nonBPDex) sacrafice our own wants needs and wellness to get them comfortable and stable. We will give anything to make them happy but it will never be enough. The fact that we gave all and they walked like it was nothing is what I find so hard to deal with. The amount of love and compassion. Mine would tell me how much she loved me but in hindsight I believe none of it. I absolutely was very in love with my ex and she seems to completely not care. She relays messages through 1 person I was brother/sister like with. I have removed myself from the friendship as she defends the behavior to me. My ex is doing fine and I'm in shambles and you think thats ok? IDK I know how hard it is. I am on week 3 of this breakup. Currently having horrific nightmares and trying to tell myself I didn't create this monster but the way she manipulated me into believing it was me has deff left its mark
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Climbmountains91
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
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Reply #48 on:
November 21, 2015, 08:02:40 PM »
When I met him I didn't have much self esteem left but I had some but now I have non at all. I'm in therapy luckily very slowly building back up but I have non. Broken really in a very bad way and I mean bad, getting there though. Finding myself again. I lost myself in him to much.
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C.Stein
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #49 on:
November 21, 2015, 09:45:43 PM »
Quote from: Climbmountains91 on November 21, 2015, 08:02:40 PM
When I met him I didn't have much self esteem left but I had some but now I have non at all. I'm in therapy luckily very slowly building back up but I have non. Broken really in a very bad way and I mean bad, getting there though. Finding myself again. I lost myself in him to much.
I am broken too and I sacrificed too much of myself to my ex. I wish I had found out about BPD and this site when our relationship first started. Things might have turned out much differently.
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Hopeful83
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 340
Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #50 on:
November 22, 2015, 01:58:44 AM »
Quote from: C.Stein on November 21, 2015, 09:45:43 PM
Quote from: Climbmountains91 on November 21, 2015, 08:02:40 PM
When I met him I didn't have much self esteem left but I had some but now I have non at all. I'm in therapy luckily very slowly building back up but I have non. Broken really in a very bad way and I mean bad, getting there though. Finding myself again. I lost myself in him to much.
I am broken too and I sacrificed too much of myself to my ex. I wish I had found out about BPD and this site when our relationship first started. Things might have turned out much differently.
C.Stein, I've found that things got easier when I started to 'forgive' myself. I had so many ifs and whats and buts running around in my head, and it was clear that I was trying to somehow make sense of the whole situation by putting the blame on myself. I'm not sure if this is the case with you, too, but it definitely was for me. Because the whole thing was nonsensical and I'm a pretty logical person, I was trying to find logic that just didn't exist.
I sat one day and thought "why am I doing this to myself?" First I acknowledged the fact I did the best I could in the relationship with the resources I had to hand. I was also wondering why I had stayed with someone who raged repeatedly at me for the best of two years. So for that, I acknowledged that I loved him, that not all of the relationship had been bad, and that I was genuinely hoping he'd get the help he needed and sort himself out. I forgave myself for putting myself through it, and let it go.
It didn't happen overnight, but it really helped to tell myself that I did the best I could and that the outcome probably wouldn't have been any different anyway.
Hopeful
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C.Stein
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2360
Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #51 on:
November 22, 2015, 09:42:05 AM »
Quote from: Hopeful83 on November 22, 2015, 01:58:44 AM
C.Stein, I've found that things got easier when I started to 'forgive' myself. I had so many ifs and whats and buts running around in my head, and it was clear that I was trying to somehow make sense of the whole situation by putting the blame on myself. I'm not sure if this is the case with you, too, but it definitely was for me. Because the whole thing was nonsensical and I'm a pretty logical person, I was trying to find logic that just didn't exist.
Yes, I have been trying to forgive myself. I can be pretty hard on myself and I am also very logically minded, almost to a fault. I can see cause and effect in many of the things that led to the relationship imploding. It is logical in some ways ... .then in others it is not.
Quote from: Hopeful83 on November 22, 2015, 01:58:44 AM
I sat one day and thought "why am I doing this to myself?" First I acknowledged the fact I did the best I could in the relationship with the resources I had to hand. I was also wondering why I had stayed with someone who raged repeatedly at me for the best of two years. So for that, I acknowledged that I loved him, that not all of the relationship had been bad, and that I was genuinely hoping he'd get the help he needed and sort himself out. I forgave myself for putting myself through it, and let it go.
It didn't happen overnight, but it really helped to tell myself that I did the best I could and that the outcome probably wouldn't have been any different anyway.
There was no raging in my relationship. If she is a pwBPD, she is very high functioning and she is more prone to turn the rage inward instead of outward. That said, she does have a short fuse and gets frustrated/annoyed/angry over the smallest things. Most of the time this happened it was not directed at me, I was just the sounding board.
I know I need to forgive myself but I also know I could have done things differently, particularly in the last 6 months of our relationship. Now that I am no longer emotionally numb I have many regrets in this regard even though at the time I felt powerless to do anything differently. I just let the relationship die but then so did she. Being the non in the relationship, assuming she is BPD, I failed to play the role I needed to play.
I hope she does get help, I hope she can find some measure of real happiness and love even if it is not with me. But I do want her back, I do want another chance to make it work. I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit that.
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Climbmountains91
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 201
Re: The 'state' in which you were left in
«
Reply #52 on:
November 22, 2015, 04:35:25 PM »
Quote from: C.Stein on November 21, 2015, 09:45:43 PM
Quote from: Climbmountains91 on November 21, 2015, 08:02:40 PM
When I met him I didn't have much self esteem left but I had some but now I have non at all. I'm in therapy luckily very slowly building back up but I have non. Broken really in a very bad way and I mean bad, getting there though. Finding myself again. I lost myself in him to much.
I am broken too and I sacrificed too much of myself to my ex. I wish I had found out about BPD and this site when our relationship first started. Things might have turned out much differently.
I'm sorry to hear that and I know what you mean. I think we could all say that aswell. BPD needs to be more put 'out there', as people know about Bipolar and all but ask someone about BPD there face ?
I hope you are looking after yourself.
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