Broke the rules - went to her house to talk to her Help

[MdW]

Yesterday after work I decided to go to the house of my ex gf with BPD (not diagnosed). We had a terrible break up almost two months ago and I have not seen her since. The last two months of silence on her part was killing me and I needed to talk to her and I also wanted to return her things that was at mine and give her a letter (in case she wasn't home or if she did not want to talk to me).

She was home and opened the door with her new puppy in her pajamas. She was not happy to see me, she looked angry and shocked. I was in shock too and was shaking without knowing what to say. I have a vague memory of what was said, but she agreed to have tea with me on the corner of her street (she did not want to invite me into her apartment).

We sat down and I started talking, jumping from issue to issue. She was very hostile in the beginning and kept asking what I was trying to achieve. It took about half an hour of talking for her to really engage with me. I tried to convince her that I wasn't this horrible person she thinks I am. She kept saying I was a manipulator (I have manipulated situations in the past to get the outcome I needed) and that she did not trust me. We started talking about how we first met and how we were both not ready for each other and then she started to well up and there were a lot of tears - we were both very upset.

I saw her to get closure so I can move on, but meeting her it was clear that we still have feelings for each other. I thanked her for seeing me and told her we did not have to see each other again but that I would like to have her in my life. She said she would like to talk to me again. We exchanged each others things and hugged goodbye both kissing each other on the cheek at the same time.

When I left I told her I would not contact her again to give her some space, but that she can get in touch if she wants to see me. She agreed.

I feel so much better that we left things on good terms, but I know I will need to be patient until I see her again. It could be 3 weeks... .or two months... .or even 2017 for all I know. I have some codependency issues which I need to work on so the time apart will be good.

The problem is, despite what everyone is telling me, despite what I am reading here, knowing the issues I still want her back one day when we are both ready. Is that crazy? I have some much hope and I am worried I am living in dream land? Should I change my thought process about this?

Any thoughts and advice much appreciated!

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[thisagain]

I feel so much better that we left things on good terms, but I know I will need to be patient until I see her again. It could be 3 weeks... .or two months... .or even 2017 for all I know. I have some codependency issues which I need to work on so the time apart will be good.

The problem is, despite what everyone is telling me, despite what I am reading here, knowing the issues I still want her back one day when we are both ready. Is that crazy? I have some much hope and I am worried I am living in dream land? Should I change my thought process about this?

It is okay that you went to talk to her! Sounds like a tough conversation, but it's great that you're feeling better about how you left things.

I don't think it's 'crazy' at all that you hope one day you'll both be ready to be together. I felt the same way after my breakup. It might become a problem later on--if she is clearly not working on herself and you're limiting yourself by waiting for something that's probably never going to happen. But for now, I think it's a natural part of the process and you shouldn't be hard on yourself about it.

The most important thing is to focus on healing and improving yourself. I'd recommend looking into therapy or some sort of organized support for working on the codependency. And of course, stick around here and read up on boundaries and communication skills. That way, whether or not she's ever in a position to be a good partner for you, YOU will be a better and happier person.

What would have to happen for you to decide that "we are both ready"?

[MdW]

Thanks for your response 'thisagain' - what would have to happen for me to decide that we are both ready?

It is a tough question. I've been in therapy for a little while, however the change/improvement process is very slow and I feel like in more than 8 months I'm not near where I want to be yet. I relapse a lot (lack of patience, short temper, trust issues, low self confidence etc. - the very things that pushed her away)

It is not my decision at all when we are both ready. I believe we'll find each other again when I have more control of my thoughts and feelings and she will need to improve herself too - come off her depression medication and try control her thoughts and feelings with the same efforts I'm making. Her lack of empathy is something I could not cope with and that was largely due to the anti-depressants.

She might forget me in a month or two, meet someone else. I have no control. I just know what I feel and felt when I saw her and I could feel her energy and I know she felt the same. I'm a 'now' person - let's make it all better now, forgive and forget etc. She is someone who needs a lot of time and like me she is also a massive analyst. Right now she cannot be with me because she feels that I am bad for her, too intense, that my bahaviour is not acceptable. She did not give me any indecation that we'll ever be together again. She specifically said we had to break up because she was unhappy and she could not be with someone like me.

As much as I hate testing, I believe she is testing me right now to see if I will lose control and contact her before she contracts me. She has the control right now as she knows I want her and that I'm available. I'm an option and will not be her priority any time soon. I think she also knows that I'm not dating or looking for anyone and that my love is invested in her.

I think she misses me in a different way to how I miss her and she is very stubborn and strict with her decisions. She has never given an ex a second chance and she is also not friends with any of her exes. If we make it through this and become friends it will be a massive achievement. I'll gladly take a friendship if that is all that is on offer (don't think realistically we will date again - however it is normal to have hope and faith at this stage). She is worth it.

[Meili]

It is not my decision at all when we are both ready.

... .//... .

She has the control right now as she knows I want her and that I'm available.

Why are you giving someone else control over your life?

While I agree that you cannot control her or her decisions, but you have complete control over yours.

You get to decide when you think that you are both ready. If she thought that you were both ready today, and you did not, then what? Whose decision is it then?

Also, you have complete control over whether or not you're available to her, do you not?

[MdW]

Right now she has a lot of control over my feelings, I'm not a robot - I can't just switch off.

The decision to be ready should be mutual. It is not just mine or hers. I don't know how it works. I don't go around doing things like this, it is not my style to chase after people as usually I think there is always someone better who will appreciate me out there. She is different.

When I met her I just came out of an intense relationship (my gf of 2 years moved back to New Zealand and I decided to let her go and stay in the UK). I was just Tinder dating and not looking for anything serious. She's not had a serious relationship for about 10 years and was not use to being close to someone. So we came from opposite places and unfortunately we fell for each other very quickly. It was really bad timing.

[Meili]

I'm sorry, I was not insinuating that you should just shut off your emotions. In fact, owning them is the healthy way to deal with them.

And, while we cannot shut off our emotions, we can control them. One of the things that CBT teaches is that what we think dictates what we feel. If we change our thought processes, we change how we feel.

Around here, we talk about WISEMIND thinking and mindfulness. It can help ease the intensity of our feelings. We can then be proactive rather than reactive to situations.

I agree with you that the decision whether or not to reconcile must be mutual.

I can certainly see how coming out of an intense relationship and into one with a pwBPD can throw you into a world of chaos. I'm sorry that you're having to experience that. I know what it is like all too well. And, as painful and confusing as it is at this moment, the silence is your best ally. It gives you time to calm the chaos.

[MdW]

Thanks for your message Meili. Silence is not my forte... .yet. It's been two days since I saw her and I check my phone at least once a day in hope that she would message even though I know at least a month or eternity of silence lies ahead.

Sometimes I struggle to understand why I care about her so much. Why is she always on my thoughts. Perhaps just the result of extreme highs.

Being on here and motivated by people of experience do help so I thank you all for the support. I really just want to have some consistency with my feelings. When I'm busy I forget about her existence, but as soon as I find myself alone my mind starts looking for her. I want to emotionally let go, but I do not think training my thought process worked thus far.

[Meili]

Yes, the extreme highs (and lows) create a situation like what you are describing. Our bodies get so used to (and addicted) the biochemicals that are released during these times that when things are calm, we literally go through withdrawal. The good news is that like any other drug or chemical, the addiction can be conquered. It does take time though. There's an interesting read on The Biology of Breaking Up that might help.

I've learned that the silence can be viewed as either a curse or a gift. It's hard for me to accept silence. It was a curse when it first happened. Now that I understand why it's so hard for me to endure, it has become a gift. It is something that I can work on to better myself and fix what was wounded so early in my life.

It's probably hard to believe right now, but much of what you are feeling can be changed by changing your perspective on all of it. It won't make it all better instantly and there will still be pain, but you can mitigate it and learn to use it to your advantage.

[MdW]

Thank you - I have read The Biology of Breaking Up and I am wondering if any of it applies to pwBPD?

[Meili]

Like, do they experience the withdrawal symptoms also?

I can not say with any level of certainty, but from my personal experience, yes. This is bolstered by the smear campaigns and painting the non black. They engage in such activities so as to avoid their own emotional turmoil. Because they cannot face their own shame and pain, they blame the non and project.

So, yes, I think that they do experience it also, but it manifests itself differently.