What's the biggest thing you have learned from detaching?

[Confused?]

Mine would have to be my personal boundaries. I had zero with my dexBPDgf. I have always been the kind of guy that "gives in" to certain situations. It's pretty easy to walk all over someone that doesn't have boundaries set in place. After a year out I tolerate a lot less.

[Joem678]

To value and respect myself by acknowledging the disorder.

[once removed]

hey confused?  

ive learned an awful lot of lessons about myself, people, and relationships. in terms of tools, id say radical acceptance and mindfulness, and the sinking in that i must be willing to act on my boundaries, for self preservation, self respect, respect of others, and better relationships in general. communication tools have improved all of my relationships.

in summary, how to improve myself and therefore my relationships.  

what do boundaries mean to you now that you have learned them?

[Confused?]

I have always been one to change my mind about something. Say some friends want to hang out and I don't want to, I would usually give in and do it anyways. I also tolerate less from people that seem selfish and do not give a 50/50 friendship. My ex used to talk me into things all the time. Basically guilt tripping me into doing stuff that I didn't have the energy to do or even want to do. I have also recently had a friend talk to me the same way my ex did. Guilting me into feeling something I didn't. But I have been very firm with my responses and contact. I feel pretty good about the way I handle things now. That and the red flags I have learned should be pretty useful in life. I guess in short boundaries mean to me a certain level of respect one must have to not cross them. Boundaries are different for everyone and in order to have certain people in your life, they must respect your boundaries to respect you.

[willtimeheal]

Trust my gut!  That is the most important thing I have learned. Always trust my gut!

[Michelle27]

That just because I'm a giver/caretaker, and always have been, it's not always a good thing. 

That I am worth more than what I thought I was. 

That I can and should trust my instincts.  When something seems wrong, it probably is.

[Highmark]

What about boundaries overstepped by a BPD adult child (27)?

[once removed]

I have always been one to change my mind about something. Say some friends want to hang out and I don't want to, I would usually give in and do it anyways. I also tolerate less from people that seem selfish and do not give a 50/50 friendship. My ex used to talk me into things all the time. Basically guilt tripping me into doing stuff that I didn't have the energy to do or even want to do. I have also recently had a friend talk to me the same way my ex did. Guilting me into feeling something I didn't. But I have been very firm with my responses and contact. I feel pretty good about the way I handle things now. That and the red flags I have learned should be pretty useful in life. I guess in short boundaries mean to me a certain level of respect one must have to not cross them. Boundaries are different for everyone and in order to have certain people in your life, they must respect your boundaries to respect you.

i do still have some difficulty in applying boundaries myself. indecision is a weakness of mine. although i am able to say no, i often feel guilt when i do. add in the fact that there is such a thing as boundaries that are too rigid, and things get confusing. personally i find that if i use BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, firm) i tend to feel less indecisive and regret less; its very awkward at first, sometimes still is, but i find it works. also trusting my gut, as others mentioned.

it sounds like you have a pretty good grasp on boundaries and are seeing results. what led you to the concept and the realization that this was an area that needed improvement?

[Confused?]

Basically my ex led me to this realization. I work a very demanding job. I travel a lot and my job is a lot of physical labor. I work anywhere between 40-60 hours a week. My job in itself is a lot to handle. Now throw in someone with BPD and there you have it. She loved about 45 miles away during about half our relationship. She would make rediculous demands such as I should go see her after work and so on and so on. I literally had no time to myself. She didn't drive so on the weekends I would either go there or pick her up and she would spend the weekend. We would talk most nights until at least midnight. Most of the time arguing about false imagery that she created or she just didn't like the fact that I needed sleep. It was the most exhausting thing I have ever endured. This relationship made me realize that I thought way too much about others and really had no boundaries or seemed to even care about myself. It was a real eye opener to say the least.

[Gonzalo]

I think the biggest thing I learned is that someone you love can seem like a good person but be just plain broken. Without experiencing that, I would be stuck on the idea of 'I can help' instead of 'danger will robinson, exit the situation'. I am much more willing to set boundaries, and to leave a relationship because of unacceptable behavior. I've also seen that a lot of stuff that she said was normal or blamed on me was because of her, and isn't normal - I haven't had anything remotely like our fights at all in the past year.

[Hopeful83]

Good thread.

Oh so many things:

- You cannot expect someone to change if they don't want to. They need to reach that stage themselves.

- I was so desperate to be loved that I stayed with someone who raged on a weekly basis. I need to learn to love myself first, because if I did love myself I wouldn't have put up with this boundary busting, abusive behaviour.

- I have codependency tendencies, something that I'm addressing now.

- I realised my relationship with my mother was a lot more damaging than I thought. In fact, I never closely studied it until my relationship with my ex ended. I realised she used to also rage at me on a very regular basis, which is probably why my relationship with him felt so familiar to me. Scary realisation, actually. I now see my mum has strong BPD traits.

- I'm also much stronger than I gave myself credit for

[itgirl]

Like many has said before me.  TRUST YOUR GUT and don't ignore 

Also check the family dynamics of the next person you date.

[CollateralDamage]

I learned that are some sick people in the world, people that have the capability to change me, alter my boundaries and disguise red flags under the FOG of love.  For me, I look back and say "I remember me before all this". I learned that too much "love" too early in the relationship is a huge red flag now.

I am now returning back to the original "me".

ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT! ALWAYS. 

[once removed]

confused?, it was only relatively recently that i learned about the concept of self efficacy and how it related to me; seemingly always finding myself stuck in a position i didnt want to be in. perhaps you can relate.

here is a good explanation: https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/self-identity-problems/

and here is a great lesson digging a little further into the subject: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0

[Learning Fast]

One significant lessen---there is nothing wrong with "getting" as well as "giving".  I sense that most of us are givers and have an imbalance in our give/get ratio so to speak.  I've learned that this ratio needs to be equal as opposed to one-sided (and this applies to relationships beyond our exes) otherwise we find ourselves pleasing others at our own expense.

[C.Stein]

One significant lessen---there is nothing wrong with "getting" as well as "giving".  I sense that most of us are givers and have an imbalance in our give/get ratio so to speak.  I've learned that this ratio needs to be equal as opposed to one-sided (and this applies to relationships beyond our exes) otherwise we find ourselves pleasing others at our own expense.

I've always been the type of person who believes in giving more than you get, or doing more than is expected ... .going the extra mile.  I has served me well in some aspects of my life but it also has bit me in the ass.  I don't necessarily see a problem with being this way until you inevitable run into that person who takes advantage of you.  When this happens you need to see it for what it is and remove yourself.

[joeramabeme]

confused?, it was only relatively recently that i learned about the concept of self efficacy and how it related to me; seemingly always finding myself stuck in a position i didnt want to be in. perhaps you can relate.

here is a good explanation: https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/self-identity-problems/

and here is a great lesson digging a little further into the subject: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0

Thank you Once Removed, very good links!

Along with listening to and BELIEVING in my own internal guidance, I am learning how not to be Self Doubting every time someone contradicts what I believe is true.

[Reforming]

Worthwhile thread.

I've learned lots of things and I'm still learning.

Magical thinking or blind optimism is really destructive. Ultimately it's unhealthy denial.

When someone shows you who they are - believe them

I'm responsible for my own choices and not the choices of others

I ended where I am because of the choices that I made (this is a hard one)

Actions define us - not words

Love is not enough

Letting go is hard.

I'm drawn to intensity and drama.

I have rescuing tendencies.

When you rescue people they end up resenting you.

I can't control others and it's unhealthy and destructive to try

You can't fix anyone and it's unhealthy and arrogant to try

People only change if they really want to

My own behaviour played a big part in the dynamic of my relationship.

I have a problem with boundaries - (I'm getting better at this)

Healthy boundaries are much more than words and walking the talk is hard

Changing your behaviour is possible, but it takes a lot of work whether you're disordered or not.

At the end when all the noise and drama slips away you're left with yourself. Your strengths and weaknesses.

Learning to love and respect yourself is hard, but essential for happiness.


I could go on, but I'd bore myself.

Reforming

[Learning Fast]

Reforming,

Excellent points---the vast majority of us can identify with many if not all of your comments.

LF

[Reforming]

Reforming,

Excellent points---the vast majority of us can identify with many if not all of your comments.

LF

Thanks LF.

I can't say it's been the easiest and most pleasant process, but you can learn a lot about yourself from these relationships if you're willing to put the time and effort in.

It's a really good way to transform something painful and negative into something positive

Reforming