My mother gave me a template for grief

[Cat Familiar]

There was always a thread of grief running through my mother's life. She certainly had some major tragedies to grieve. What I didn't realize until I learned more about BPD was that each one of these sorrows was as if it was a fresh wound, even though decades had passed.

When she was 13, her 15 year old brother was killed by a train when he stalled the truck on the tracks. Then her younger brother enlisted for combat, upon her advice, and was killed days before the war ended. She and I were scheduled to go on a trip to visit her father, who was in a rehab facility in another state for alcohol abuse, but she backed out at the last minute. Her mother, sister, and niece all went, and they were all killed in a car accident.

She would begin talking about each one of these events, and I can remember what she said word for word, only to stop at a certain point when she was overcome with emotion and say, "I can't talk about this." It happened time and time again.

It's been almost 16 years since she passed away and I'm just now realizing that I have internalized this grieving paradigm. Perhaps not in the same way as she experienced it, but rather, that I expect sorrow and allow it to last for longer than I want.

I know that grief has its own timetable and it comes in waves, sometimes big crashing waves and sometimes gentle lapping ripples. But what I now understand is that grief doesn't need to be a constant companion.

Having a lot of animals, I get to experience their shorter lifespans and their inevitable decline as they reach the end of their longevity. I give them a lot of support to enhance their health, with good quality food, supplements, herbs, pharmaceuticals when needed and fluids, for those with kidney failure. They are without exception good patients and appreciate the support.

Just a few months ago, I lost my 20 year old cat, who been getting fluids daily for a few years. We had quite a bond and within the last year, he'd gone through retinal detachment from undiagnosed high blood pressure, leading to blindness, which was somewhat reversed by medication. Then he was attacked by a neighbor's cat, ripping a hole in his belly that needed 15 staples, due to not being able to be anesthetized and sutured, due to BP issues. He got through confinement in a small cage for a couple of weeks, healed fully, then died one day after he playfully attacked my leg in the morning. It was a perfect exit--he was feeling well and didn't suffer.

Unfortunately within the same week, I found my elderly goat unable to get up, appearing to be having a seizure and my old horse seriously foundered and I was not sure if I needed to put him down.

I got a giant hole dug for my goat, but months later he's still with us. My old horse had radiographs, corrective trimming, and now wears special boots with memory foam. And I have another 19 year old cat who is beginning to get kitty dementia, but with thyroid medicine and occasional fluids, she's hanging in there.

I'm telling all this detail because I realize that all these events happening nearly simultaneously sent me into a depression that I didn't realize I was experiencing. I found it difficult to do lots of my daily chores and activities I'd previously enjoyed seemed like obligations. I wasn't exactly feeling depressed, just meh. I was thinking about my own mortality and the ephemeralness of life.

Then as it started to lift, I realized that I've accepted my mother's template for grief and depression. Not sure what this all means or what to do with it, because this awareness is new. So I'll just sit with this thought and what occurs to me is that I really don't want to replicate her pattern.

[No-One]

Hi Cat Familiar:
I'm sorry about the passing of your cat, and the health issues with some of your other animals.  They are part of the family, and it's understandable that there is a grieving process attached.

Have you though about making a memory book for your pets?  Perhaps, with photos and documented memories?  It might help to process your grief, by documenting a little celebration of their life.

I had to put my dog down at the end of 2018, and that was hard.  I can't imagine how hard it is to face the loss/impending loss of multiple animals at one time.  I ended up getting a puppy, but it's been challenging.  It's been a very different puppy experience with a rowdy landshark.

Sounds like you gave/give your animals a good life.  They were/are fortunate to have you.  I'd speculate that your pets have enriched your life and you their's.  

Perhaps you are stuck in a rumination mode and need to rewrite the script in your head?  I think some of us are just wired that way.  Have you tried some mindfulness exercises?  A great free app for your Android or Apple phone is called, Insight Timer.  It can help to do some housecleaning in your mind.

Another approach that could help is to do a postponing exercise.  When you have sad thoughts about your animals, you write down/record the thought in some way and then make yourself stop thinking about it.  Your goal is to simply collect the thoughts to review at a planned time. (i.e. 7 p.m. to 8 p.m.) and work towards shortening the review period (i.e. 1 hr a day to 30 min a day to once a week).  So you keep documenting the thoughts throughout the day, forcing yourself to think about something else after you record it.

I have a friend who used to work in an animal hosp. & has a lot of animals.  She is in a similar situation to you, in that her cats are seniors and she has lost multiple animals in the last year.  She had a special needs cat, that she called Spaz.  He had a neurological disorder and couldn't walk a straight line.  He walked like he was drunk & was just natural entertainment.  He took a lot of special care, so he was very special to her and it hit her hard when he passed a few months ago.

I hope your depression passes soon.
 

[Harri]

I am so sorry about your cat and that your other animals are struggling.  I am not at all surprised to know that you are taking such  good care of them.   

Your mom certainly had a lot of big losses.  You too.  I've been thinking since I first read your post and I too have noticed that I grieved in ways similar to my mom.  for me though it was more a matter of pushing things away and being more stoic... certainly cutting the grieving process short.  I paid for it though and am now grieving certain losses.

I remember one of my Ts telling me once that people who let it all out, cry, rage, etc in grief tend to do better in terms of recovery.  Go figure.

I am still learning how to grieve and still live (mostly) in the moment.  I have no advice but would love to hear how others cope. 

Then as it started to lift, I realized that I've accepted my mother's template for grief and depression. Not sure what this all means or what to do with it, because this awareness is new. So I'll just sit with this thought and what occurs to me is that I really don't want to replicate her pattern.

I don't know what it means either but I like your resolve to write your own template.

BTW, boots on a horse?  Boots as in shoe laces or more like wraps?

BTW 2, I wonder if you have seen this and if it might help Grieving Our Losses

[Turkish]

Sorry about your kitteh,  but I'm sure you provided a good life.   

That's great insight to term what we learn from our parents a "template." Given that rubric, it's hard for children to differentiate and develop their own templates.  That's a lot of tragedy your mother experienced.

[I Am Redeemed]

That was a really insightful realization, Cat, that you see how your mother modeled an ineffective way of dealing with grief- and you see that you could, but do not want to, use her ''template'' for your own process. That awareness means that you can actively seek ways to change it. You don't have to subconsciously repeat her process; you can choose your own.

I think my way of dealing with grief and loss is more like what Harri mentioned: push it to the side, remain stoic, keep going on...it definitely interrupts the natural grieving process, and all that grief is still simmering in there, causing emotional indigestion. I believe I got this "template" from my dad, as that seems to be how he dealt with grief. He rarely mentioned the losses in his life, and when he did, he was reluctant to show emotion or expand on the details. Most of the time he just went on with life, and didn't talk about it. I think it manifested in untreated depression and anxiety, which he would never have acknowledged, and I think it manifests in me in the same ways. But I do acknowledge it.

Now that you are aware that you were subconsciously repeating your mother's pattern, do you think you may be able to realize when you are slipping into it beforehand?

[Notwendy]

I'm sorry for the loss of your kitty. It's hard to lose a beloved pet.

I think our parents are role models for us in many ways. One aspect that stood out to me was how young your mother was when she experienced these extreme losses- and her parents did too. My guess is that her parents were also so overwhelmed that they were not emotionally present to help her with her grief, or they were dysfunctional too and didn't help her to deal with it.

I haven't seen my mother grieve. I recall at her father's funeral she showed no emotion, and the same at my father's funeral. It was eerie to see. I think this is a part of her issues- her ability to dissociate from any uncomfortable feelings she may have. I also think this is what fuels her rages. Surely she felt grief but dissociated from it and then expressed it in rages with the people closest to her.

I think it is good that you recognized your grief pattern- but you are feeling the grief and expressing it in a different way than your mother did- you are feeling your feelings of loss.  Grief is tough- I don't think there is a "right"way to grieve. It takes its own time. But I think it's important to acknowledge  the feelings and also reach out for support if it feels overwhelming.

[cle216]

Hi CatFamiliar,

It sounds like your family has been through a lot of loss and you have recently too. The circumstances surrounding your mom's losses (and also yours) seem complicated making the grief more complicated. With BPD I'm sure navigating through the emotions and grief process was much more difficult to do and observe.

First of all, don't be too hard on yourself. The losses you are experiencing are real and it sounds like you haven't had a lot of time to recover in between. It is ok to grieve and feel overwhelmed and not always love the care taking process. I think it's great that you are recognizing what you may have learned from your mom. I've tried to have this "take it or leave it mentality" starting with admitting what the things are that I have learned from her that are not so desirable and realizing I don't have to keep those behaviors, responses etc. There are things I do have control over changing. Then the hard work comes in of changing those things. Some things are easier to change than others. But you've overcome a huge first obstacle by being aware of it and admitting you want to change it. I like No-one's suggestions of considering ways to respond after losses. Maybe you can come up with your own traditions or ways of memorializing your losses. Feeling those emotions but also thinking about the facts...you've had pets who have lived for 20 years, that you provided with loving care above what many people may do for their pets. You've extended the length and quality of their lives and I'm sure there is much they have given back to you over those years.

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks everyone for your replies. 

No-One, you hit on an interesting thought--being stuck in a rumination mode. I think that's going on, but much of the time, it's not in the forefront of my awareness. I realize sometimes when I'm doing it about all my tasks on the ranch--I'm holding so many "shoulds" in my head that it gets overwhelming. So I write down lists of projects so that I don't keep all that info circulating around in my head. Sometimes I get so busy that I don't take the time to be mindful about what I'm feeling. Hmmmm...

Harri, I've been stoic too and then realized that I hadn't allowed myself to fully process the grief, and so it doesn't really go away. Thanks for that wonderful link.   Oddly enough, I feel like I processed my grief for Max, the kitty. I planted an orange rose over him and I bought a painting of an orange cat with a rabbit--a modified version of an old masters painting done by a Russian artist who inserts her fat cat in classical paintings. If you want a good laugh, check out her website--FatCatArt. https://fatcatart.com/?lang=en

I think my biggest sorrow is for my horse. He gets around a bit, but he doesn't have much to enjoy in life. He can no longer be allowed to eat green grass and he has to wear the boots, which wrap around his hooves with velcro. https://www.softrideboots.com/index.php  He seems depressed.

Turkish, I could never understand why my mother couldn't get over the rawness of her grief, until I learned about BPD. And now I realize how that has impacted me--having this programmed POV that grief seems to be so enduring.

Redeemed, you're right. I'm at an interesting choice point. I've dealt with grief before, but I've never had an overview for choosing how I wanted to deal with my feelings. I like your term "emotional indigestion." Up until yesterday, I didn't even realize that I was depressed. And now that I realize it, I don't feel as depressed as I was.    Like you, I modeled my dad's stoicism, but with the underlying grief and depression simmering below the surface.

Notwendy, yes, it occurred to me just yesterday that my mother was set up for lifelong PTSD by that horrific initial loss of her brother when she was so young. My cousin found a photo of the destroyed truck in the newspaper archives and sent it to me last year. There was an additional component to the story. My grandfather had sold the year's crop and was celebrating by getting drunk with friends in a saloon  in their little farming town. Meanwhile, he let his 15 year old son drive the brand-new truck he bought earlier in the day. Lots for the family to deal with and no one ever forgave him.

cle216, thanks for the reminder about not being hard on myself. I was thinking, "Why am I so depressed? I still have my horse, though he's now a special needs horse." He's a sweetheart--I just don't want him to suffer needlessly or prolong his life if he's really unhappy. Lots to think about. 

[Harri]

I was thinking, "Why am I so depressed? I still have my horse, though he's now a special needs horse." He's a sweetheart--I just don't want him to suffer needlessly or prolong his life if he's really unhappy. Lots to think about. 

I dunno Cat.  Isn't this part of pushing away the grief?  Saying well I still have my horse?  Yes you do and it is a big change for you and for him.  Going from functioning to being 'special needs' is a big adjustment for both of you. 

We get used to things being one way and then they change... that is hard and it takes time to learn to function through that changes that are happening now and the ones that will eventually come.

BTW, I did go to the two sites and saw the pics with the cats.  haha  I also saw he boots and watched the video.  Very cool and sweet. 

[once removed]

thats an awful lot going on at once 

I planted an orange rose over him and I bought a painting of an orange cat with a rabbit--a modified version of an old masters painting done by a Russian artist who inserts her fat cat in classical paintings.

that sounds lovely. its important to both honor our grief, and honor the memories.

[Notwendy]

I don't think we can control grief- it takes its own course. I am generally a high functioning person, up and dressed right away and active. After my father died, I found myself in my pajamas, looking at the clock that said 2 pm and wondering where the time went. I would cry at any point- a song, a word, something that reminded me of him. Try not to be self critical- grief is what it is and time does heal it. But if you need to sit around in PJ's all day and cry for a while--- it's OK.

[Cat Familiar]

I dunno Cat.  Isn't this part of pushing away the grief?  Saying well I still have my horse?  Yes you do and it is a big change for you and for him.  Going from functioning to being 'special needs' is a big adjustment for both of you.  

Though I've been spending more time around him, it's not quality time for him. I had to cut his pasture in half and fence it off, then I burned all the grass with my torch FOUR TIMES, which took hours each time, and it kept growing back.  

When torching it started becoming risky due to fire danger, I fenced him out of half of the half and used Roundup, which I'm not really happy to use for health and environmental reasons. I dug up grass in areas that he had access to and then, when the grass was gone, I let him back into the whole area.

Now, due to late rains, more seeds have germinated and now I'm going to try the 20% vinegar strategy since it's hot and sunny enough for that to work.

Poor guy, he was happy that he had a bit of grass to nibble and now I'm ruining things yet again for him. He must think I'm cruel and crazy to ruin his formerly nice pasture.

We get used to things being one way and then they change... that is hard and it takes time to learn to function through that changes that are happening now and the ones that will eventually come.

I've been thinking more about this grief pattern that I learned from my mother. I tend to "not indulge" and try and carry on no matter what is happening and push aside those uncomfortable feelings. In spite of that, I do feel like I process the grief, so it's not "fresh" like hers always was.

So what is it that I do that reminds me of her process? I started to get a bit clearer about this last night, just before I went to sleep when the phrase "the sword of Damocles" came to mind.

The similarity I share with her is that I grieve before the fact. I grieve things that haven't happened yet.

I know there's an expiration date on my horse, my old goat, my cat with dementia. When I go to feed in the morning, I contemplate whether or not they'll be on their feet.

I've been through this so many times, and when it finally happens, I'm OK with it. Sad, of course, but it's not a dysfunctional feeling, not like this "pre-grief" is. In recent years I've lost one horse when she ripped open her leg on a gate, another horse who had grand mal seizures, a sheep that was bit by a rattlesnake, and several other critters who died due to old age or miscellaneous illnesses. I did what it took to make them as comfortable as possible in their last days, and was sad at their passing, but it was OK.

It's this weird "pre-grief" where I'm troubled before there is a need to feel sorrow. I have to laugh about my goat. He's huge and I now have this giant hole ready for him. Right after it was dug, it filled up with three feet of water from all the rain we had this winter, and there's a seasonal spring that I didn't know about not far away. But now it's drained. So whenever he's ready, so am I. But he keeps on going, like the Energizer Bunny. He's rather disabled, but once he gets on his feet in the morning, which is a challenging process, he goes out with the other critters and seems to be enjoying life.

[Cat Familiar]

thats an awful lot going on at once 

Thanks, OR. I'm tough, I tell myself. It's a lifelong pattern. Cowgirls don't cry.

But I realize I don't have the emotional support I would have from an emotionally healthy partner. So, as usual, I'm on my own. I do have friends who'll share a kind word so that makes a difference.

Sometimes there's just a lot to deal with.

[Cat Familiar]

I don't think we can control grief- it takes its own course.

Grief does take its own timetable. My dad had cancer and my mother had dementia and when they both passed, it felt like a blessing, that they no longer were suffering. I was able to process my grief rather easily. I lived hours away from my dad, so the only reminder I had was thinking of him on his birthday and Father's Day and not needing to send a card or call him anymore.

I moved my mother nearby after my father passed, so I had a closer relationship with her during the last years of her life. After she was gone, I found myself still trying to do things for her--reminding myself to make a dental appointment, reaching for the cookies she liked on the store shelf, thinking about buying her a pair of jeans that were on sale. And then, the familiar bittersweet reminder that I needn't do this would occur to me.

[Cat Familiar]

It's interesting how acknowledging the presence of these "pre-grief" feelings allows me a choice point as to whether or not to indulge in them when the occur.

I've been noticing them arise, as opposed to having them bubbling under the surface, and then saying to myself, "I see you. I know you feel that way. I really am not interested in going there. Have a nice day."

And mostly those feelings have been complying with my wishes, once they're acknowledged. I think the next step is to ask, "What positive message/gift do you have for me? What would you like me to know?"

[Harri]

I've been noticing them arise, as opposed to having them bubbling under the surface, and then saying to myself, "I see you. I know you feel that way. I really am not interested in going there. Have a nice day."

And mostly those feelings have been complying with my wishes, once they're acknowledged. I think the next step is to ask, "What positive message/gift do you have for me? What would you like me to know?"

This all sounds like a very healthy way to process your feelings of anticipatory grief (I'm not sure if that is an official term/thing or an internet term but I did some reading after you started this thread).

I have read here on this site that women tend to grieve the ending of relationships before things actually end (I don't have a reference but I can get it if you want it).  I wonder if that is a part of what is going on for you.  Not trying to minimize, just want to caht more so ignore it if it does not fit. 

And mostly those feelings have been complying with my wishes, once they're acknowledged. I think the next step is to ask, "What positive message/gift do you have for me? What would you like me to know?"

I like this.  Let us know what sort of answers you get!   

[Cat Familiar]

"Anticipatory grief" really fits. Thanks, Harri.    Good to have words to describe. It helps to unpack the emotions that up to now, have not been translated into language.

My first ask about what the positive message was resulted in this: "I want you to be prepared."

I thought about that and realized that I don't have the anxiety about the goat nearly as much now that I've got a hole dug for him. The ground here gets really hard in summer and though I could call a service to haul him away, I'd prefer that he remain where he's lived for nearly 14 years. So, there's that. This morning he's been looking chipper. 

With my old horse, I don't want him to suffer needlessly and there's no chance he will get much better. But it's possible that he can be more comfortable. It's sad that he can't eat grass or do much more than walk around slowly. Horses are meant to run and enjoy lush green meadows and now he can only be a spectator to that. But he still likes the meals I serve him with all the supplements and medications (that I've hidden). So I guess I need to be mindful of his comfort.