My BPD Ex will soon start working at my company. I need advice. Please

[Conflicted1986]

My relationship with my BPD partner recently ended, and in the past few week, it seems that the last 3.5 years of my life have just collapsed into nothingness. I am torn.. Shattered! I am sure most of you have read this before kind of stuff before and here's another one.

At the start of the relationship my partner mentioned to me that she had been diagnosed with BPD and was in treatment for the it. I didnt fully know about the disorder, and i made the mistake of not looking into it. She never wanted this for herself, she wished her life and her mind were normal. She went to therapy regularly and I felt for her.. I wished with all the power in me that i could take away all her pain. She really tried to get better.

The relationship went through all the break up & make up cycles. Each time i would get blamed for not "making her feel loved", I never intended for that, but the complexities of life get in the way and drag you down, I was unable to be romantic & emotional at those times. That always seemed to be the issue.

Unlike her Ex's i don't have a narsissistic personality or i never cheated on her or abused her. I am quite, shy & reserved. I control my temper, I dont agree to physical abuse, I forgive & I love to laugh. But she always got at me for the Emotional & Romantic aspect, which i will admit are my failing. No matter what good I did, i failed her here.

But i could not go through the cycle again, and the last time she came to me with with a break-up i agreed.

Here's where it gets complicated. Just before we broke up, there was a job opening at my company for someone with her skills. She asked weather she could have it and since i was in a position to insist that she get hired, i did. I can be called a fool, sure, but i know how much it meant to her, i know she needed it mentally & financially. I am not about to screw someone for both of these just cause they have a disorder. I do have & support a colleague with autism.

Ill be honest, in a moment of weakness, i did mouth off to her on a phone call and now she's ghosting me, not responding to any of my calls & lightly taunting me on social media. I apologised for my mistake within a few hours of it, but forgiveness is not on the cards and i seem to have become a trigger for her.

She will be working on a team where i am the leader & i have spent 12 years building up. She assured me that she will be a good employee, but then again she  always told me that she loved me & would never leave me. All that has changed in a matter of a few weeks. I did manage to have a conversation with her about "Mutally Assured Destruction" and how this would be bad for both us & that i wanted to go into this next phase with some love & understanding. but right now things are the opposite.

I am really scared for when she starts work in 2 weeks time. I have given the person who knows how to hurt me the most a key position on my team and right now she hates me.

No one knows about her BPD other than me & a few very close friends, she keeps it a tight secret & i respect that. Explaining my situation to anyone else without the context of BPD will not make sence, also i am a very private person.

 I dont know how to handle the whole situation of her working with me. What can i do to make it ok for the both of us, as i really do want to be a good manager towards her, but i dont want her to hurt or de-value me.

Any advice will be nice!

If you have read it this far, thank you! It feels good to share, i have consumed plenty of articles, videos & podcasts and it finally feels good to share. So thank you again for your support. 

[Pook075]

Hi 1986 and thanks for sharing.  So sorry you're going through this, especially since you have a double-whammy of getting over the relationship while also starting a work relationship.

I can tell you from past experience that working with your BPD spouse rarely goes well; working with your BPD ex will likely be even rockier.  Is it too late to contact HR and tell them the situation?  Being honest now might get your hand slapped at work, but bringing her on the team could eventually cost you your job if things blow up.  I'd be very careful.

Feel free to post whenever you need to as you work through all of this.  Again, I'm very sorry for what you're going thru.

[Conflicted1986]

Hi Pook,

Thanks for replying.

Yes, contacting HR will not work at this point, as most of the paperwork is signed and some of the government regulation work has begun.

Also, my ex has quit her old job, and taking this new opportunity away from her will put her in a difficult financial situation & will therefore further deteriorate her mental situation (which is something i do not want).

Her being at my company also helps them fulfill some government compliances, which will allow us to attain some government contracts.

I wish things were simpler.

She was tormented at her last job, and she felt unsafe there, which is what caused me to make this move.

Since i am the manager at this outfit, i thought that i can control the situation for her. I beleive that my staff is very dedicated to me, as i do not yell at people and I am generally very calm under pressure i thought that i can make it a safe working environment for her.

I also secretly hoped that doing this may calm her down towards me. but things went in the opposite direction. I thought that having her close to me may improve our relationship and that may give her a better understanding of my day-to-day life.

She had submitted her resume to a lot of her friends at first, but no one actually read it. She had made a critical error with one of the dates, which made her look as though she had been unemployed for the last 9 years, hence she never got hired anywhere else. I fixed that for her.

I wanted to tell her about it, but i do not want to destroy her sense of worth.

I always thought that doing good things pays off. With this woman, i tried to be as clean & as honest as i could.

But i don't know what else to say. Even if i have to leave this company, i will still have to serve at least 3 months, but it's not that easy for me to leave either.

i want to call her and speak to her badly & try to resolve things, make them good again, at least as friends. But i've read articles saying that its wrong.

I am in a fix. I know i created this situation for myself & i only have myself to blame for it.

Thanks for hearing me out.

[Pook075]

i want to call her and speak to her badly & try to resolve things, make them good again, at least as friends. But i've read articles saying that its wrong.

I am in a fix. I know i created this situation for myself & i only have myself to blame for it.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Hey friend.  Yes, you did some things wrong in your relationship- just like every other person on Earth.  The key to a successful relationship is communicating and working through stuff together, freely forgiving, etc.  BPD makes that almost impossible so no, this is not your fault.  Lose that mindset!  You tried to set boundaries and make things work, but they didn't.  Not your fault.

Generally, reaching out is not a good idea...but your situation is pretty unique.  You have to have a good working relationship because if you don't, there's no sense in her accepting and starting the position.  It will blow up in spectacular fashion and the blame will fall to you. 

Honestly, it would be better for her to find a different job.  I know you feel like she "needs this" but that's not true- you've gone your separate ways and she needs to figure out finances on her own.  If she's a value to the company that's great, but not at the expense of losing a manager or bringing dysfunction to a team.  It's a timebomb waiting to happen UNLESS you can find a healthy working relationship with her.

Personally, my advice would be to reach out strictly about work and the job.  Set those boundaries beforehand and let her know, "I'll be your supervisor and I'll do everything I can to ensure you're successful here, but at the same time we have to be able to work well together and put the relationship stuff aside.  Will that be okay with you?" 

You have to set that tone early and if she's still angry/bitter, then you have to talk to HR now.  The key to moving on from these relationships is working on yourself and putting your needs before hers; don't set yourself up for failure here buddy.  You have to talk about your professional relationship.

I hope that helps!

[cranmango]

Hi Conflicted--what a challenging situation. The dynamic with my ex sounds very similar to yours. I also work with my ex. When we first got together, I thought it could be the best of both worlds. When the relationship finally unraveled for the final time, it became very challenging to maintain boundaries at work while still grieving the break-up and trying to move forward.

I am still in semi-regular contact with my ex because of some shared work duties. No matter what, I focus on being civil and professional, just like I would with any other coworker. I can't control what she does or how she feels. I can only control my behavior. Boundaries likely won't come naturally to your ex, so enforcing boundaries at work will largely be up to you.

Not gonna lie, some days it is absolutely maddening. I've driven myself nuts trying to interpret her behavior. I think about her too much. I worry about her. Then I realize I am falling back into my same old pattern of walking on eggshells to try and prevent a meltdown. But that's not my responsibility anymore (and really, it never was). The best days are when I just focus on work, do the best job I can, and then go home.

One last point: Let your ex experiences the consequences of her behavior at work. The general pattern of instability in her life will almost certainly manifest in this new position. It's not your job to clean up her messes, protect her, or do damage control. Fixing the typo on her resume is a small but great example of this. Sure you "helped" her in the moment, and your heart was in the right place. But helping can insidiously turn into enabling. It has been very, very hard for me to bite my tongue at work since we broke-up, and just letting situations play out. It feels like watching a train wreck slowly happen. But it is absolutely necessary for me to maintain my sanity. And in my heart, I hope that it will be better for my ex in the long-run, too.

Please keep sharing as much as you like. Here to help.