Jekyll and Hyde Still Present

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everyone!

So it's still been a bit challenging going through a settlement agreement and not mediation with my BPD soon to be ex. The decree is almost done and when the money moves then the kids and I will move to a new home. We will have been married for 15 years and have two kids, 9 and 12.

In so many conversations still, it's all my fault in regards to so many things. And his moods just go back and forth between being angry and then sickly-super nice. How do I handle when there is a barrage of texts or phone calls? I usually answer once then say if you continue to yell I will hang up. And I don't answer texts. But do I have to keep going on like this forever? Will it ever even out? It's calm and reasonable, then nasty and dirty fighting, and it seems like there is a lull (a calm before the storm) and then a major blow out. It's all buttoned up with lawyers on both sides and a reasonable settlement as far as the money is concerned and the kids, but, it's just a waiting game for when his next fit will occur. I have handled it like he's really bad client and try to just get the business done, and I record the conversations, just so when I listen to just a brief amount of them or one call, I know I am not crazy, and it really did happen! It's helped me realize really how nasty, controlling and mean he is. I will never think otherwise. The recordings are just for me to have. I don't think I would use the recordings.

But, will the Jekyll and Hyde ever go away? Or is it just the next thing, the next stage of the relationship, the stress of the coparenting stage, that sets off the BPD? That's the only thing left. I really just don't want to speak with him at all. I would be happy just having him drop the kids off at home, they walk in and he drive away. Or they walk out and he drives away. I have nothing to say. Nor feel like even engaging in niceties. It seems they don't remember a few days ago when they were so out of control. No wonder I am so cool to him and speak to him like a "bad client."

I have been removed from it for so long (he moved out a year ago! hallelujah!) and for a few weeks in a row now, that I actually relax and become still shocked about the abusiveness. How am I still the target? It's still really takes down your confidence! It takes me a bit to get back up again! I really wish he'd disappear!

And things are organized by me in regards to the kids and keeping him in the loop as far as grades or activities, etc. We are to use and app to keep track of everything, but, what if he doesn't? It IS purposeful that he doesn't download or actually connect it when he gets it on his phone, or his new phone, because he keeps losing or breaking his phones! He waits months to get it going again! I want to just have one method of communication that's monitored so that I am not barraged by calls, then texts, then emails all coming at me at once!

The decree will come about shortly and the QDRO, but, what kinds of things can be done to stop the crazy from bothering me. Or feeling harassed as I definitely did recently again. I went through a regression this past weekend as he was vengeful and on a rampage and I imagined/dreamed someone sneaking in my bed and strangling me. He really still scares me! I feel that I could send it all to my lawyer, but, I just don't like paying more fees. But, should I just send it along so they can see? My lawyer has written me off a bit since she didn't get to do mediation. But, I still ask her advice when I need to. How many phone calls do you consider harassment? The texts clearly seem like harassment. I just am so tired of fighting a losing battle and no one, not even the lawyer seems to get how scary he is to me. It's taxing on me. And it is never ever over!

Any thoughts on any of this will help me!

[12years]

Hello everyone!

So it's still been a bit challenging going through a settlement agreement and not mediation with my BPD soon to be ex. The decree is almost done and when the money moves then the kids and I will move to a new home. We will have been married for 15 years and have two kids, 9 and 12.

In so many conversations still, it's all my fault in regards to so many things. And his moods just go back and forth between being angry and then sickly-super nice. How do I handle when there is a barrage of texts or phone calls? I usually answer once then say if you continue to yell I will hang up. And I don't answer texts. But do I have to keep going on like this forever? Will it ever even out? It's calm and reasonable, then nasty and dirty fighting, and it seems like there is a lull (a calm before the storm) and then a major blow out. It's all buttoned up with lawyers on both sides and a reasonable settlement as far as the money is concerned and the kids, but, it's just a waiting game for when his next fit will occur. I have handled it like he's really bad client and try to just get the business done, and I record the conversations, just so when I listen to just a brief amount of them or one call, I know I am not crazy, and it really did happen! It's helped me realize really how nasty, controlling and mean he is. I will never think otherwise. The recordings are just for me to have. I don't think I would use the recordings.

But, will the Jekyll and Hyde ever go away? Or is it just the next thing, the next stage of the relationship, the stress of the coparenting stage, that sets off the BPD? That's the only thing left. I really just don't want to speak with him at all. I would be happy just having him drop the kids off at home, they walk in and he drive away. Or they walk out and he drives away. I have nothing to say. Nor feel like even engaging in niceties. It seems they don't remember a few days ago when they were so out of control. No wonder I am so cool to him and speak to him like a "bad client."

I have been removed from it for so long (he moved out a year ago! hallelujah!) and for a few weeks in a row now, that I actually relax and become still shocked about the abusiveness. How am I still the target? It's still really takes down your confidence! It takes me a bit to get back up again! I really wish he'd disappear!

And things are organized by me in regards to the kids and keeping him in the loop as far as grades or activities, etc. We are to use and app to keep track of everything, but, what if he doesn't? It IS purposeful that he doesn't download or actually connect it when he gets it on his phone, or his new phone, because he keeps losing or breaking his phones! He waits months to get it going again! I want to just have one method of communication that's monitored so that I am not barraged by calls, then texts, then emails all coming at me at once!

The decree will come about shortly and the QDRO, but, what kinds of things can be done to stop the crazy from bothering me. Or feeling harassed as I definitely did recently again. I went through a regression this past weekend as he was vengeful and on a rampage and I imagined/dreamed someone sneaking in my bed and strangling me. He really still scares me! I feel that I could send it all to my lawyer, but, I just don't like paying more fees. But, should I just send it along so they can see? My lawyer has written me off a bit since she didn't get to do mediation. But, I still ask her advice when I need to. How many phone calls do you consider harassment? The texts clearly seem like harassment. I just am so tired of fighting a losing battle and no one, not even the lawyer seems to get how scary he is to me. It's taxing on me. And it is never ever over!

Any thoughts on any of this will help me!

[worriedStepmom]

It is now written into H's custody agreement that all communication must go through the parenting app.  If his uBPDex chooses not to look at the app, that's her problem.

They have been divorced for 10 years.  Until six months ago, he was still dealing with the exact same behavior you describe.  Some of the time things were normal, and other times It felt like we were under siege  - his phone would ring constantly for hours, and if he didn't answer, she started showing up at our house demanding to speak with him or SD12.  She wouldn't leave until H talk to her.

We finally put really strong boundaries in place.  Ex is blocked on H's phone, mine, and SD12's.  Her emails to H go directly in the trash.  She is aware that if she shows up at our house again, I will call the police and report her for trespassing (they said they won't arrest her, but they will escort her from our property).  Dropoffs and pickups now take place down the street.  We can see SD from our porch but do not have to engage with ex.

These boundaries helped with some of the problem.  She stopped coming to the house and the phone was finally blessedly quiet.  She started using the app once she realized we were serious about not answering the phone.  Then we ended up with pages and pages of vitriol on the parenting app.

We got a new custody agreement a few months ago.  It requires that communication go through the app.  It also has a stairstep measure.  If ex does any of a bunch of crazy things (including disparaging H, me, SD's therapist, or H's family to H or SD), then it automatically goes to supervised visitation for a time.  This has REALLY helped.  Because we've been enforcing our boundaries, she realizes that H is serious, and that she might lose her kid.  It's been blessedly quiet on the app the last few weeks.  (Caveat - ex ended up in inpatient psych care about 2 months after we started enforcing those boundaries.  Her treatment probably also has had an effect on the decrease in messages.)

You might ask your lawyer if any of that can be written into your agreement.  We were able to justify the stairstep because we discovered that every nasty thing she said to H she also repeated to SD.  That's a form of emotional abuse.

[CoherentMoose]

Hello.  I'll second WSM's approach of creating and enforcing strong boundaries with your STBX.  Boundaries are for you, not him.  Consider finding a way to exchange the children where you two never meet.  Using school and/or daycare for example.  One parent drops off in the morning, the other picks up in the afternoon.  Or a neutral, public location.  One poster in here had to use the police station for exchanges to protect himself.  My GF uses a fountain at an outside mall for exchanges that must happen outside of a school/daycare exchange.  Her ex on one side of the fountain, he on the other.  The kids say goodbye and walk around the fountain to the other parent.  Consider keep a journal of all your interactions for a week and think about how to put effective boundaries in place.  Like not answering the phone and forcing all communications to email...I like WorriedStepMom's discussion on the boundaries her and her husband put into place.  Others on here (david? I think) have had to resort to similar actions in order to keep the crazy from getting back into their lives.  Good luck. jdc

[MeandThee29]

No custody issues, but we are in the post-divorce stage and truly nothing has changed. I was no contact during the process of getting my negotiated settlement, but chose to work directly with him on some of the little stuff because I'm broke and feel like I can handle it. My attorney is handling the court orders of course.

I actually printed out and posted this article next to my computer: https://virginiagilbertmft.com/divorced-narcissist-feeling-crazy-try-one-thing-empower/

It applies to those with BPD as well, so don't be put off by the reference.

I reply to emails when it is convenient for me. He's tried to add requirements on top of the settlement agreement that I've refused. He's tried to take control of legal aspects that I refused. I am firm but polite. I don't engage in chit-chat. I'm all business these days. Nothing on the emotional front.

I fully expect that he is going to try to keep up some kind of contact with me. My lawyer put in all kinds of anti-harassment language and recommended going no contact for good once it is all settled, which I will do.

And it's no fun, but manageable. The little stuff should be done soon.

My lawyer and I predicted drama over the court orders that is indeed brewing, but we'll see. We are prepared to go to court if he won't agree. We found in negotiations that his attorney doesn't want to represent him in court, so that is a card we have.

So it's hard, but I'm so much better than I was.

[worriedStepmom]

One more thought, since you say he won't look at the app  - a friend's custody agreement specifies that a parent has only 48 hours to respond to a message on the app.  If there's no response to a question within that time frame, the parent who posted the message can use their best judgment.

We also ask questions with a deadline and a default answer - "Orthodontist says D needs braces.  It will cost $X.  What do you think?  If I don't hear from  you by <three days from now>, I will assume that you agree, and I'll make an appointment to get them put on."   

We also gave our exes's email addresses to the school, so all of the automated emails go to both parents.  We don't have to worry about passing on all of that information via the parenting app.

[12years]

Thank you, Worried Step Mom, JDC and MeandThee29.  This was all super helpful. It so nice that you all are here and have gone through or going through this and I don't feel so alone. I appreciate the article on narrcissists as well, he is both NPD and BPD. I hope it doesn't get as crazy as some of what some of you described but I am glad I can alter the orders if needed. And my lawyer mentioned we could block him if need be on the phone. When I get my new place I will think about dropping/picking up at the front entrance (it may be gated) or a public place and other boundaries you all mentioned.
The app will be quite helpful. Since I wrote he started using it. Go figure!