Young son - what do I need to do to prevent it getting worse

[seekingtheway]

Hi all,

I've posted on other boards about an ex of mine who has strong BPD traits (but undiagnosed). But a big part of my journey in terms of getting involved with my ex and feeling very called to stay in that dynamic and give him what he needed is because of my journey with my son. And I wondered if there might be some help in unpacking some of that here.

My son is 10. So not old enough yet for a diagnosis of a personality disorder, but I feel scared we are heading down that road. He already has a diagnosis of Autism and ADHD. His behaviour is so bad... most of the time. He is abusive in all the ways possible - violent, verbally lashes out, swears, screams, twists whatever we say, tries to control everything, is mean, antagonistic, blows up all the time... life with him is HARD. Almost every single day.

He seems to have big abandonment issues. He accuses his dad and I of not loving him, not caring about him on a daily basis. This is far from the truth and we are both very expressive in our love for him, but it's the way his brain works - everything comes back to this for him - he is not wanted or loved, and the world is out to get him.

In terms of parenting - I have a pretty good handle on boundaries and I have got good communication techniques I can fall on, but I take his verbal abuse and the nasty, mean things he says to heart. And sometimes I explode myself after days of it. Sometimes I worry it's my fault he's so explosive because I have this side to me. It only ever comes out to him... he triggers me so badly sometimes. Just the level of disrespect is just so off the charts and that's what triggers me. I get blamed for every moment of his day that doesn't feel exactly right to him... and over time I have become so worn down and sad... it's becoming harder to bounce back and my mental health is suffering here. It's relentless and his episodes can last for hours at a time, and there is barely such a thing as a 'good day'.

His father is very permissive and we have struggled with this a lot. The worse my son is, the more he tries to placate and try to give him what he wants. He is not held to account for his abusive behaviour as a general thing or unless I push the point... which I often do. And then of course this has created a dynamic where I am the bad guy who is strict and tells my ex-husband what to do, but the acknowledge I am kind and fair, but I sometimes blow up and scare them), and their dad is the good guy, who lets them do what they want, but who doesn't actually make him feel safe because there's no rules and no emotion coaching.

I'm scared of where this is all going to go. There is BPD in the family on my husband's side.

Firstly, I need to get a hold on the part of me that explodes after a build-up of his disrespect. Anyone got any tips of what might work here?

And secondly, any tips on what kind of parenting really works for kids with extreme dysregulation and violent behaviour etc? Even though he's so young?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[seekingtheway]

I forgot to say but his dad and I separated around four years ago, but we are good friends and co-parents, and we are currently staying in his home for a few months... so we are trying to use this time to get on the same page in terms of parenting. But it's clear we are WORLDS apart.

[Swimmy55]

Hi
Is your son in therapy currently?
As for you, it may be beneficial  to get therapy for yourself as well.  Many parents here do need help with managing emotions and coping.  Please also read the suggested books in the library here, like Stop Walking on Eggshells"

Take a look under the "tools" tab, too.  This is a long journey, please keep rhat in mind. Please share more with us as you are able.  We get it here.

[seekingtheway]

Thanks for the reply Swimmy.

He's not currently in therapy. We have access to a psychologist, but they are taking the road of coaching us as parents at the moment, with very occasional visits for him. He's also under the care of a psychiatrist who helps us with medication, but the meds so far haven't worked in terms of settling any emotional dysregulation.

As he's still so young, I keep hoping that with some maturity we might turn a corner with him, but I don't feel sure on that.

Do you feel that book and the tools on here apply to a 10-year old? Or is he too young?

I'm conflicted about the different parenting techniques out there. Currently we are doing very short two-minute timeouts for any instances of aggression... but most people recommend the 'Explosive Child' strategy from Dr Ross Green. But this strategy is very soft and gentle and usually doesn't expect much from the child, and tries to employ brainstorming techniques that you do together... which would be okay if he were motivated to change things... but he's not.

In the past, I've had a pretty good connection with him and have been able to get him to be somewhat reasonable after some kind of drama happens, but lately I've noticed he's digging deep into denial of his part in things, and he is outraged we'd suggest he did anything wrong, when it's blatantly obvious he did... so holding him to account for misbehaviour usually ends in really insane behaviour.

And yes, thank you - I am now in therapy, though I should have been a long time ago. I got some support recently from a carer's support organisation and when I told them what was going on, they told me in no uncertain terms to get in therapy and stay in therapy. It's been tough...

[Swimmy55]

Hi,
 In my opinion, the book helps to understand more about BPD no matter the age, so it may be worth a look.  Same with the tools.

Here is a link from this forum that may help https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy

  The problem is this- there is no one size fits all approach .  There is a lot of trial and error, and it takes a long time  .  Also, the  hormonal changes of puberty are coming .   Don't be surprised if his diagnosis changes around, as the young brain changes and grows and becomes infused with hormones.  My son also started having issues around  8.  I knew something was off then.   The good news your son is under the care of a psychiatrist , and you are in therapy.  Also, we are here for you and we understand.  You have a great network . Keep writing back as you have need.

[seekingtheway]

Thanks so much Swimmy.

At the moment it all feels very overwhelming... I felt we had some kind of handle on things a year or two ago, and now it just feels like it's slipping further and further into chaos. I'm not really sure where to begin to make the changes we need.

We are having a screen ban at the moment, because things have been so tough, and I am trying to get him to see that family dynamics are give and take, not just take... and screens are one of the only things he cares about... the only big juicy carrot I've got... we talked tonight about baby steps to improve things. I said one thing I really need from him is to be able to take responsibility for his mistakes... because this has been concerning me so much that he just blames and denies outright... i might be totally off in thinking this is going to work, but will give it a go... I'm hoping it's enough incentive for him to at least own his behaviours.. and open up the door to conversation about what he's doing and how he could be doing it differently.