Does it just get worse? Is there any hope?

[Radcliff]

I found with my SO, once the storm got going, it was a force of nature and standing clear was the best option.  Things would go like this for 24-72 hours.  Each situation is different; other members have reported shorter or longer episodes.  Other members may have had better success at calming things during an episode.  It'd be good to hear from other members about their experiences.

Have you learned to detect any signs that trouble is brewing?  Sometimes if we know our partner is heading into a stressful period or we see early signs of distress, we can pump up the support and validation and avert trouble before it gets going.  We can't always do this, but if it works, it's nice.

How do you know when it's safe to reengage her?  What cues do you see?

RC

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi expat-

Thank you for engaging in this important conversation.  Since you’ve brought up PMS + BPD, and her age (46), I’m wondering if you’ve researched PMDD.  This can affect women who are nearing menopause and it’s a real thing.

During times of peace and calm, has she spoken with you much about her younger years, any details?  Where she believes her anger may come from?  1 + 2 doesn’t always equal 3 with BPD partners.  Things that remain hidden, historical places where they felt out of control (and were) can incite these feelings in a current situation and we end up paying the “price” for something we know nothing about.  Until we know enough and can BEGIN to add things up... make 1 + 2 = 3.   That’s how mine worked better, works better.  We actually have made up very funny “cue” phrases now (sexual stuff) to use when he begins to RAGE, even though we both acknowledge that will never work once he gets going.  We have a good laugh about that pretty often.  But we’ve had 6 years to get to this point.

And no... trying to insert “logic” into a dysregulation doesn’t work.  Relieving yourself from responsibility from her dysregulation will be your saving grace.  When she tries to blame you, don’t accept that blame , or you’ll lose yourself fully.  If she knows enough to remove herself to her retreat (her room), good for her.  In a quiet talk, let her know you really respect and honor that space.  As you relocate, make sure she’s HAS that space.  When my uBPDbf loses it (now when he STARTS), I offer him options before he blasts off.  I watch his face closely, I listen to the rises in his tone, the words he’s using, who he’s talking about.  To take him down, I STOP asking questions.  Validate what he’s said, but I STOP asking questions if there’s ANY sense he’s becoming even a tiny bit upset.

The sad part here, in these relationships, is that there’s a LOT of caretaking.  Of an OTHER’s emotions.  All the time.  They don’t take care of yours.  You cannot “need” much, not from them.  Keep other people in your life.  My BF hates and distrusts most people except me, but he sees value in me having girlfriends.   He sees little value in listening to a lot of what I’m interested in- the intellectual stuff.  And except for the few male friends of mine he’s met who live cross-country (and I’ve NEVER had a r/s with), he can be jealous.  I’m careful there, even though I’m “old” (almost 62) and my flirting days are behind me.  Man... now that I’ve written this, I’m almost wondering why on earth I’m IN this!  Aside from the fact I do love him.  Mystery of the heart...

I’m glad things are better for you, expat.  The more you understand and the better you care for yourself, the more clearly you’ll see things.  I am sorry your son endured 5 years with an NPD.  My exH was an NPD (bad man).  I still hear echoes of that torture in my head.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[waverider]

Getting away from trying to fix an unfixable, by you, problem and constantly living in damage control is important. Otherwise you will simply be surviving instead of thriving. Drying to nut out BPD can become the be all and end all of your daily existence if you are not careful.

Needy people need rescuing and fixing, that is their identity. Hence to actually rescue and fix them strips away their identity, as it is the process they require not the end result. The process validates their identity. So there will always be another issue to fix.

Often you can get delude by pwBPD getting better because you seem to be resolving problems. But that is not often the case you are simply turning over different chapters of the same never ending story. As one chapter ends another one begins. At some stage you need to be able to put the book down, go outside and smell the roses before you loose yourself in it.

As the "rescuer" you will have your own identity drained from you, and one day you will wake up and think what happened to me I am not the person I used to be. You will become incapable of making plans and decisions for yourself. Resentment will create in, and that is the cancer of relationships.

So there has to be some things that you do for you, regardless of the consequences and your partner will either have to just suck it up or be done with.

Every relationship needs to have "my stuff, your stuff and our stuff". It cannot be all "your stuff, our stuff and the stuff you give me".

Keep in mind they were attracted to you, if they manage to change you completely, then you can become so different to the person you were that they no longer like or respect you. You can go from being the one to carry their handbag for them, to being their handbag..

You need to be the one who is strong enough to say no and put up boundaries to their impulses. They cant do it, they need you to do it, even if their internal rage of the moment is seeing you as the enemy in the moment. Her real enemy is the reactional rage inside, and they will dislike this just as much as you.They just dont have the facility to step away from it. Ultimately it is the only way to keep any respect between. Capitulation undermines this

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi expat-

It’s been awhile... how are you?

Gems