She went silent treatment for 2 months without any notice and wedding cancelled...

[Pflp]

I am 3 years engaged with my girlfriend, long distance relationship, we decided to get married on 21 October 2016, and on 10 September she broke her mobile and asked me to send money to buy new mobile, I told her that now I don't have money because I put all my money in wedding, and i will appreciate if she can wait only 1 month to buy new mobile for her, suddenly she went silent treatment for 2 months without any notice and wedding cancelled... .

On 15th November she called me and she apologized that she is thinking like 5 years old girl, she told that she has some personal problems because of money, so I sent her 5000$ on 1st December to solve all her problems so she can focus only on our wedding, we agreed to speak together about our wedding plans on 3rd December, but on 3rd December she blocked me again from everything without any reason until this moment, even she don't send me sms telling me happy new year.

I don't give her money for mobile she went for silent treatment for 2 months ... .I give her 5000$ she went again silent treatment for 1 month.

3 years together and always she is mad from anything, no respect my feelings, no sex, unexpected behavior from anything, ruining all our holidays and vacation.

My narcissist fiancee 28 y.o , I am 35 y.o , I can never make this girl happy, I can't fill her black hole, super manublative girl, but I love her too much.

She knows what ever she doing to me that I will never go, so I want to return the power and put boundaries for our relationship, so my question:

If she try to contact me again, it is good to use silent treatment against my girlfriend and ignore her for 1 month so she understand that her behavior is not acceptable?

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[wheretostart0]

It really depends on if you could use a break.

[Hlinthewiking]

I'm really sorry about what you are going through, most of us here have been in similar situations, it's very hard. I wasn't getting married but I got blocked on Christmas and New Years just now as well.

I don't believe fighting fire with fire is the solution. There's a say about narcissists. "I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.".

If she is BPD and you pull that off it will likely trigger her abandonment issues, that may lead to a discard. The best way to show her you don't condone that kind of behavior is setting your boundaries and enforcing them, how you are to do it is up to you.

It doesn't mean it will work, it didn't for me, but it's the only thing you can do, she's the one who's going to have to wanna change.

I tried fighting fire with fire a couple times, believe me, the say goes, she's better doing that kind of thing then you will ever be, she's more used to it and less empathetic. After I tried it it only made it worse, because my exBPDgf would feel things deeply, overreact and manufacture illusions, she would punish me to make me feel like how she's feeling, so if she felt unloved even though I would be getting on me knees on tears and telling how much I loved her, she would treat me like garbage so that I would feel like she feels.

I know this is hard, but you are the only adult who has the capability of putting an end to the cycle and not giving incentive to keep it going.

[Pflp]

The problem when I try to set boundaries, she went silent treatment and cut off all types of communication and contact's, And we are in long distance relationship and i can hardly to be with her

[Meili]

The problem when I try to set boundaries, she went silent treatment and cut off all types of communication and contact's

What you are describing here might be an EXTINCTION BURST. Can you tell us more about the boundary, what happened when she pushed against it, what you did and said, etc?

[Pflp]

What you are describing here might be an EXTINCTION BURST. Can you tell us more about the boundary, what happened when she pushed against it, what you did and said, etc?

The boundaries is:
1- respect me and have normal conversation without madness
2- she don't get everything she want... .she has to wait and when I have money i will buy what she wants
3- to keep her promises and to be more serious about our wedding

First silent treatment ( started 10 September 2016 , end 15 November 2016 )

Reason: our wedding on 21 October 2016, suddenly she asked for 5000$ to buy Fur Coat, new mobile and cosmetics, I told her that I put all my money on  our wedding arrangements and I payed 9000$ few days ago, so please wait 1 month and I will buy everything you, she told me " I love you and I understand ", next day she went silent treatment for 2 months without any notice, she blocked my mobile number, Viber, whatsapp, Skype, emails... .I can't see her physically because we are living in different countries... .and finally our wedding cancelled because she disappear.

After she end the silent treatment, I asked her for the reason, she told me that I don't have money for her demands and she worry about our future that I am not able to provide our family with money

Second Silent treatment: started 3 December 2016 unti this moment,

Reason: that I pushing her to set up another wedding date, and I want her to keep her promises and not cancel our wedding again, she agreed to keep her promises if I sent her 5000$ to buy what she wants and to solve her problems, I sent 5000$ on 1st December 2016 to avoid any problem with her, on 3rd December I sent her sms that I did my promise and I sent the money, and I want her to did her promise to find free time to speak together about our wedding date and about wedding arrangements, after that she sent me sms that she wants to speak with me when she feel that she miss me, and now she don't miss me and she busy with her friends, and I am pushing her to speak together about our wedding while she don't know what she wants, after this sms she went for silent treatment on 3rd December and blocked me from everything until this moment.

[Meili]

Did you take a look at the link that I sent in my last post? Do you think that fits with what you posted?

[Pflp]

Did you take a look at the link that I sent in my last post? Do you think that fits with what you posted?

I read the link several times, but i don't see that's fit my case, my case is totally different... .my case is a submission and controling my future... .my case is unlimited emotional and financial abuse without even stopping one day... .I am trying to feed her black hole but this is not enough for her and she wants more and more... .this is a daily emotional terrorism by killing me in each second and each day without stopping one day to take a breath.

Please tell me why you think that my case connected with EXTINCTION BURST?  :)o you think it's my falt? I really don't get this connection

[Meili]

Oh, no, I definitely don't think that it's your fault!

The reason that I mentioned the extinction burst is because when she hit your boundary and you maintained it by not reinforcing her expectation of your response. I could be wrong about it though, which is why I asked if you felt that it fit.

[Pflp]

Oh, no, I definitely don't think that it's your fault!

The reason that I mentioned the extinction burst is because when she hit your boundary and you maintained it by not reinforcing her expectation of your response. I could be wrong about it though, which is why I asked if you felt that it fit.

I think she knows only silent treatment language... .so I think to speak with her the same language... .I mean when she try contact me  then I will ignore her with silent treatment  for 1 month so she learned that silent treatment tactics will not work with her again... .I want remove her safety network and think that I moved on and I will never comeback again... .do you think this will work? Because usually when she gaves silent treatment... .she definitely know that I will not go... .now I want to change her expectations.

I want her to know that this kind of behavior not acceptable anymore

[Meili]

I think that changing her expectation of your response is a great idea.

I don't think that giving her the silent treatment (ST) is the best plan though. The ST is abusive. It is used as a method of controlling the other person. It's mean.

Perhaps this is a matter of cultural differences, but I do not believe that it is one partner's right or job to punish the other partner.

Now, if you need to take a "therapeutic break," that's a different story. Let her know that you're going to take 30 days to think about things and decide what you want to do for and with your life and then go no contact (NC) for 30 days.