she will hit me if I leave

[hotrodder]

I have defiantly found out that my girlfriend that lives with me had BPD. I know this because of the therapy I am receiving has clearly made it visible .
This relationship is so toxic. she calls the police if I do the least little thing. I want her out of my house. but when I do tell her to leave , she will go crazy. she will destroy everything and or hurt me or herself. there is no help or support for this sort of thing. the only solution i have is to  have the police present when I do tell her. And even then, I will have to evict her. That means living together until she leaves.

please help

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi hotrodder and

you are in a heck of a tough place, and though im sorry for your circumstances, im glad you found us. we can relate, and we can help.

questions: when you say she calls the police if you do the least little thing, can you be more specific? what happens when she calls the police? how many times has this happened? it sounds like shes assaulting you, do the police have any record of this?

how long have the two of you been together, and how long have you been living together?

[hotrodder]

thanks for the reply. we have been living together for almost a year.
she has destroyed many things in the house. like remotes, lamps, ipads. phones.
when I say the police . there was an incident when she took my work phone and threantened to destroy it like she has done in  the  past. I tried to get it back and she got pissed and called the police on me. i have a pending domestic violence when it wasnt domestic vilonce it was her trying to be in control. I have already made up my mind that this relationship is over . I know just try to please her until I go  to court. At that point i am going to give her eviction papers. But I am trying to let someone know she will go crazy. she will hurt someone or possibly fatally . I am scared for my life and my freedom.
todd

[hotrodder]

I also have to say that she has given me black eyes. and even broke my toe. this is out of hand. she drinks daily . i cant help her anymore

[once removed]

do i have it right that there are domestic violence charges against you?

is there any record of her assaults on you?

youre right that you need some sunlight on this situation. have you confided in anyone be it friends, family, police, a therapist?

[hotrodder]

Yes there is a domestic charge against me! I am not the abuser . this clearly was not domestic but a way to control me. I have called the police on her twice in the past. But in Michigan the man doesnt hold a chance , but if the woman calls  the man is going to jail.
I have confined in family and my therapist.
my friends and family have been alienated because of her manipulative, jealousy and controlling actions. My kids dont feel safe when they come stay with me. I need  to know if there are any other resources to help end this relationship safely and amicably.
I feel bad kicking her out of the house because she has a 13 year old daughter that also  lives in my home. Something has to change. Since i have talked to you yesterday she has threatened me , screamed, yelled calling me names, calling my family names. She also threatened to quit her job. that would be devastrating because It could delay the eviction I would think.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi hotrod,

Even if the police don't take you seriously, it's important that your incidents are recorded.  I would suggest filing reports so that there is a record in place.  Keep any evidence you have.  I'd also strongly suggest that you speak to a local DV advocate and get your situation across.  There is help and support for men who are on the receiving end of domestic abuse.  Please don't lose hope.  This is a known thing - not impossible and in this day and age it's important that these things are talked about.  You are no less worthy of support that a female victim.  A DV advocate can help you to devise a safety plan.  We also have a useful document about Safety First HERE.  Asking her to move out needs to be done with a planned approach and not jumped into without preparation.  Someone with experience of handling these types of situations can help you to take the right approach.  Try to remain calm and use some of the communication tools here in the lessons to aid you in reducing tension and conflict.  See the right hand menu next to the board 

Forgive my ignorance, as I don't know the legal process around eviction.  What is the status of her residence in your home?  Do you two rent together?  Is she named on a mortgage?  Do you have a lawyer you can seek advice from?

I hear your guilt, and trust me I've been there.  However, your safety, that of your children and her own safety have to take priority here.  If you are feeling unsafe it is time to take action towards change and I'm so glad that you are seeking support here.  In the interim, could you spend time with your children elsewhere, perhaps with family?  You could use the reason that they also wish to see grandparents/uncles/aunts and it's a nice change for them.

Stay in touch.  We're here for you.

Love and light x     

[heartandwhole]

Hi hotrodder

I'm really sorry to hear this. What a difficult situation to be in. I think making a plan is very important, along with not making things worse. Rally as much support around you as you can, and tell trusted friends and family what is going on. As the Site Director here says, get some sunlight onto this situation ("it's the best disinfectant".

Since your state seems to be one that is geared toward automatically taking the female partner's description at face value, I recommend reading this informational thread:

Domestic violence (men)

It has a lot of tips that can help. You are definitely not alone in dealing with this.  

Can you establish a relationship with the police by letting them know what has been happening (show them a journal/records) and what your plans are? It could be helpful to keep them in the loop.

Hang in there. We are here to support you.

heartandwhole

[hotrodder]

 heartandwhole, Harley Quinn, and once removed,
thank you for your in site and support. It is so frustrating feeling as thought I am the to blame or that I am the one that has domestic violence issues. If the police or someone really took a look at what was happening they would truly see quickly that this BPD is not a laughing matter. In fact I believe the outcome could be extremely dangerous for her or me. I am going to take your advice and get the police in the loop ahead of time along with contacting a domestic crisis hotline. Since my last post she has went through my pone and found articles saved on BPD . I am sure she used my fingerprint while I was sleeping to open my phone. Anyways she was to say the least extremely upset.  She continues to call the police on me for absolutely nothing . things as small as eating the last of the potato chips. I have packed my bags twice in the last week and drove away. but she calls and begs me to come back. the only reason I do come back home is its my home soley and I am afraid she will vandalize and destroy everyting in site.This is a terrible way to live. I am giving her two months to save money , so the shock of evicting will hopefully be less painful. she continues to call into work , I am afraid she will be fired and then I will really have a hard time getting her out. I dont have thousands of dollars to give  her.

[Harley Quinn]

Well done on deciding to be proactive about this and take advantage of the support available.  That was a real turning point for me after the violence began and allowed me to rebuild some of my confidence and broken self esteem.  

Try to take things one step at a time and remain in the present.  What is important is that you are safeguarding yourself and taking advice from people with expertise in this area.  They will guide you and you may be surprised at the input they can offer.  Do keep us posted with the outcomes and how you are doing.  We're here when you need somewhere to turn.  

Love and light x