Hello rollers8.
I second the comment that stress makes the BPD symptoms worse, and take longer for them to emotionally "reset". Mood swings alone are not really "schizophrenia", even drastic ones. That disorder is pretty misunderstood thanks to movies and TV - it's not even really multiple personalities, but more a lack of a good grasp on reality, voices in your head - lots of scary stuff. I've never done drugs, but I always kind of imagine having schizophrenia to be like a horrible, lifelong bad acid trip. BPD is more about having no ability or healthy skills to manage unpleasant emotions. Yes, their emotions can change on a dime (as it seems to us), they can deny reality if it helps prevent them from accepting blame or feeling shame, and once we are past their wall they present to the outside world, we tend to see all manner of behaviors no one else is allowed to see. We become a sort of emotional appendage that can take the brunt of the emotions they cannot manage.
She has a bad day, she takes it out on you because she does not know how to manage those feelings internally.
The general prescription in the insulting / gaslighting situation is to explain you will not listen to this kind of talk and will leave the conversation unless it stops. A lot of members say this works but in my case with my wife it just escalates things. What do you think would happened if you did this?
I want to suggest a modification of this. Yes, you can ask them to please stop. But if they don't, it's up to you to remove your self (as possible, it's not always possible, we all know) from their access, from their abusive words and actions. For some people, they can make it work to say, "You are yelling and being mean. I will not continue the conversation until you can speak quietly." Others, like me, simply find ways to leave the room or house. I may start with "please don't yell, I do not want to be yelled at." If that does not stop, if it's gathered enough steam that he can't slow it down... .I have to leave the room to enforce that boundary of protecting myself. The boundary is not to "make" them stop yelling or being mean. It's to prevent ourselves from allowing abuse ti be hurled at use.
You don't leave once and hat's it. You teach yourself to do it EVERY time this happens. You are trainging yourself and them to accept a new "normal."
By leaving, or stopping the conversation however you need to, you take away the use of YOU as an emotional punching bag, and they are stuck, having to manage those emotions they hate so much.
Suggesting "help" - this is very difficult. Many therapists don't seem to know how or want to deal with BPD because it is a LONG road. A lot of mental health can be assisted with medication - depression, anxiety, even bipolar disorder. BPD is not like that. Since it's tied to poorly managed emotions and a lack of skills that should have been learned in early childhood, the person and therapist have to commit to a long road of modifying hardwired behavior.
Telling a pwBPD that they have BPD is hard enough. Some of the biggest things they try to dodge are shame, blame, and responsibility. Everything is someone else's fault. So when you say, "No, you have a mental/emotional illness, this is kind YOUR fault," they often simply say, "NO! It's all YOUR fault! How dare you say it's me, my fault. If you were just a better (whatever) I'd not need to be mad... .blah blah blah." Many of us on here know that we will never mention BPD as something our SOs have - it's not really very productive.
The good news is that after working o apply some boundaries and some of the tools, you CAN decrease the number of blow-ups. You CAN learn to observe cycles, see what is maybe the REAL trigger for the outbursts, and take less emotional harm from it. The BPD is part of them. There is no magic wand to remove it - it's there. It can be lessened over time, it can go into hiding, but periods of high stress, exhaustion, or illness can bring it back out. As you learn to use the tools on this site and that can be found in books, you will work on becoming a stronger YOU. Wehn you become stronger, they seem to catch up, after a delay. It's like dragging them behind you on a bungee. The cord needs to stretch a bit before they snap to you.
