my daughter

[LotusS]

Hello. I am new on this board. I hope for support from parents with a child with BPD. Mine is 20 years old. Finally diagnosed  a year ago. This has been the most difficult, painful  past 4 years of my and my husband’s (and possibly my son’s) life.  And it keeps on going.
We had issues starting really in middle school. What a failure i feel for all the things i did not understand/see. The addiction, and then we had to go through her trauma of a rape.
I don t know how we made it through all the horror.
She dropped out of high school before graduating in 12th grade. And I’m a HS teacher
And she moved away last year. With BPD best person-boyfriend. Bad idea but she was 20…
We are very supportive. She is communicating with us and close. That is a complete  victory, BUT the road ahead is so terrifying.
Thank you for being there-if you’re there.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

We are certainly here LotusS and you are with people who completely understand what you have been/are going through. It is a nightmare to put it mildly.

I think it is so good that you are in touch and there is good communication at the moment. Please hold on to the fact that remission of symptoms can happen. You will happen upon a lot of good suggestions here just by reading others' posts and knowing how they deal with their own situation.

One thing I learnt - and I took too long to learn it I will have to admit - is that you need to care for yourself. 'Letting go' of feeling responsible is a good start. You are walking beside your dd now rather than guiding her (unless that is what she wants) - and all you can do is what you are doing - being there, listening.

It is frightening to think of the future, but this mantra might help:

Letting go is to fear less and to love more.

You can face a crisis if and when it comes. When it is not there, take the opportunity to breathe, relax and put yourself and your other family members first.

Thanks for posting . . .

[LotusS]

Thank you so much Sancho for taking the time to reply to my post.
Yes you are right of course. And I like the mantra(have to translate it in my native lgge so that i can feel it more

I have such difficulty with letting go and take care of myself.
It’s just fear.

I need to work on that, so thank you very much for the reminder.

[kells76]

Hi LotusS, just adding my voice in welcoming you to the group 

I agree that it's really positive that you and your D20 have good communication right now. What has helped that be successful for you, do you think?

Am I reading correctly that she did graduate from HS after all -- so she does have a diploma?

And do she and her BF live close to you, or did they move far away?

I hope you and your husband and son can take some time for the three of you to regroup and have calm times, now that she is living out of the house. I wonder if you 3 could take a vacation together? If not, maybe you can appreciate some moments at home together that are more peaceful and less stressful. Perhaps you and your H can find ways to support your son that are positive for all of you.

Let us know how things have been, whenever works best for you;

kells76

[Pook075]

Hi LotusS and thanks for sharing!

First off, I can completely relate since my BPD daughter went the same path.  Married at 19, divorced by 20, came home like a wrecking ball.  We also had severe problems since she was 15 or 16.

The good news is that most of the battle for you is already over.  She's out of the house and you have a good relationship at the moment.  That's awesome and it gives you time to start establishing real boundaries for when she returns (sadly, they always return because their relationships fail).  You can't walk on eggshells no matter what and have to make that clear.

But for now, live life.  Smile.  Relax.  It's like you're on vacation for the first time in four years.

I'm guessing your worry is what will happen to your kid now that she's out of the house.  The answer is simple, she's going to grow up and figure some things out in life.  Will she make mistakes?  Yup.  Big mistakes?  Probably.  But that's not your burden to carry because she has to figure out life on her own.  If things get tough enough, she might even consider therapy or going back to school. 

Just know that you can't save her...that's not your job anymore.  Only she can save herself by changing her behavior patterns through therapy.  And she has to want that, you can't want it for her.  Until she's ready, she's going to do exactly whatever the heck she wants to do.  Your job is to be okay with that, to let her make mistakes and pick up the pieces herself.

[LotusS]

Hello again and thank you so much for your responses to my post.
I feel absolutely discouraged today-and I remembered  the forum!
Yes, my DD20 moved to another state 4 hrs away. No, she did not finish high school.
Of course the BF situation did not work out and she is planning to come back home to regroup. She is not happy abt it of course-she has real trauma in hometown and triggers. But what can we do?

Yes, I am grateful that we are close  and that she communicates with us regularly. Hopefully because we have always unrelentlessly reached out and we basically always made our kids  come 1st. And we did everything we could to give them the best childhood too. Just the 4 of us bc families are far away. We are healthy parents-no drugs, addiction, anything like that- just love for our 2 kids- attentive, present. But we did not know.
I have anxiety, (doing fine now) my son does too. We did not know our DD had bpd. Then there was the rape, the addiction, the drop out of hs, but I know you ALL went through hell too.

She came to France again this summer with me -and she traveled by herself to get there (!) even though suffering from symptoms and new meds (that do not help) Proud of her strength. I lost my mom- and DD said she came to be with me.  It was not all easy but she came.

She is trying. She is registered for her GED-one of her goals. She has not gone to pieces bc of BF not wanting to be with her anymore (relief for us really.) She goes to therapy. Goes to AA mtgs. Sober almost  a year. Wanted to try and be « independent » and pay her bills, her rent. Did not work out.
It breaks my heart she cannot keep a little job. Feels like everyone rejects her. In my native  country (France) employers have to provide schedule accomodations for employees with problems, disabilities, mental issues. It would be helpful if people with bpd could be upfront and tell abt their challenges and triggers at work. Don’t you think? She quit her last job again- manager was reproaching her to be either too sad or too happy  It always is «  you’re not what we want to represent us. » 

Anyway-I guess I have to prepare myself for when she moves back (?) soon- and my son is not doing very well-depressed-the past 5 years have really taken a tremendous toll.

I will need your advice experience and wisdom
Not sure what will happen. We ll do our best to support her. I know. While letting her do what she decides. I know.

Thank you for being here.

[memom23]

I am new to this site as well and relate very much to your experience. I have a younger daughter (15) and my BPD daughter (22) has a twin. My daughter with BPD made our life our living hell for many, many years. My husband and I even separated for two years (after 26 years of marriage), in part over the challenges of this situation.

I wanted to share that we have rebuilt a family without my BPD daughter. My husband and I are back together and we have a loving and kind home without my daughter. We laugh a lot. It took a long time for me to not feel guilty about that, but my other two kids are grateful and happy. They appreciate that we have finally put up boundaries to protect the rest of us - and feel that we were too enabling for too many years. They see her behaviors more clearly in some ways, because my feelings are tangled up in being a mother and all the guilt, shame and fear that comes with this disorder. My 22 yr old is now begging to come live with us, but she is also completely resistant to treatment and does not take responsibility for her behavior. So far, our answer is 'no way'. Just wanted to share b/c I had to learn to protect the 15 yr old rather than supporting the 22 yr old and that has worked out much better for our family. Not easy at all. I wish you much luck!

[LotusS]

Dear memom23,
I can « hear » how much you went through in your own family with the challenges of having your older daughter struggling with this illness.
I am learning and educating myself with all the resources on this site-and from the parents’ experiences too.
I appreciate your honesty very much, and I will definitely need to learn how to set boundaries when our DD20 comes home.
She and her brother do not communicate much. He is the oldest  (by 22 months.) He certainly has his own issues too that we are also trying to help him with. But we all want each other to be happy. We want to be close. And we want to be free as well- to be who we each truly are as very different people.
My hope is growth for each of us, and all of us. My hope is that we each come to accept, understand, the illness and its challenges. So that we can practice empathy, being there for each other without judgement and become better human  beings as a result of overcoming some of the struggles.
I am so glad that you found a new balance in your family- it is encouraging and you deserve it thanks to your perseverance.
And I also hope that your daughter will decide to get serious help and support and that she will be able to be an integral part of your family in the future.
Wishing you all the happiness and peace.
LotusS