My daughter lied for 9 months with her boyfriend to me

[Anastazie]

Hello,
 I am writing because my daughter 20 years old student at UNI  lied to me for whole 9 months that she is back with her boyfriend  whom she split up because his mum said so. Then for 3 months he was not sure what he wants and they got back together. We invited her and him during this period 4 times for lunch and dinner and they were pretending to be friends.
When asked why she lied she claimed that they wanted to keep it private and that we would not approve it. I found very stretch that he did not mind at all the be hidden and refuse any invitation for visit or come with us on holiday. She claims that he lied because she asked him but it seems to me he is not really serious in this as to build a relationship with your potential parents in laws on dishonesty seems simply wrong.
All this now escalated that me and my husband arguing all the time as I believe they both have take part and face the consequences that trust has been badly hurt and it is very hard to build on this anything. I found it incredibly disrespectful and highly worried that he didn’t stop her from lying to her family and didn’t care.
Please can you help me ? Do not know what to do ? I do not have my parents as they both died and no more family. Feel lost . Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

All this now escalated that me and my husband arguing all the time as I believe they both have take part and face the consequences that trust has been badly hurt and it is very hard to build on this anything. I found it incredibly disrespectful and highly worried that he didn’t stop her from lying to her family and didn’t care.

Hello and welcome to the forums!  You're among friends and we'll try to help however we can.

Question- is your daughter diagnosed with BPD?  If so, how long have you known?  Or has she received any treatment?

As far as things escalating, it's a lousy situation but you have to decide what's more important- being right or fixing your relationship with your daughter.  When BPD is involved, you often won't get both right away.

There's three problems here.  #1 is that your daughter kept this secret for 9 months because feared judgement from you.  Now she's being judged and it's causing problems for everyone.  Can you see why she kept this a secret?  The answer here is to forgive her- she's young and made a poor decision for what she thought was the right reasons.

Problem #2 is arguing with your husband, and this is the far greater problem.  Your daughter will finish college, eventually find a career, get married, have kids, etc. as she lives her own life.  Your husband, on the other hand, will be by your side and that's the relationship you should focus your efforts on.  You'd have to give more details about what you're fighting over, but if it's 'problem #1' then you guys have to be united on this. 

Find common ground and talk it out.  Your kid was wrong, as are most 20 year kids are when it comes to relationships and communicating with their parents.

Problem #3 is the young man she's dating.  I understand that you don't approve of him, but you have to allow your daughter to live her life and make her own mistakes.  It's unfair to blame him for keeping a secret that she asked him to keep.  This is between you and your daughter.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm sure it isn't easy.  Please feel free to ask additional questions or provide more details so others can give more direct advice.

[beatricex]

Hi Anastazie,
Welcome to this forum.  That sounds like this is very troubling for you.  Can I ask a few questions?  Do you support your daughter while she is at school?  If so, is it implied that you be involved in her life?

Are you more upset that she lied and he encouraged it (probably) or that she's dating this guy again? 

If you can try to get to the root of why you feel upset it might help you communicate better with your husband.  He may be willing to listen to you if you phrase it differently.  For example, "I'm so Mad at her!" could be replaced with "I feel hurt she lied to us after everything we do for her."  Perhaps then it could at least be a constructive conversation in your household instead of an argument?

My husband and I waste many many hours talking about his adult kids, and the subject of lying is one common theme.  My stepdaughter (his adult daughter) lied to us about doing drugs.  Not cool.  We gave her money when she was doing the drugs that year.  Also not cool.  It took some time, and marriage counseling, but we are now able to talk about her just the two of us without arguing.  It is possible one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life since it's his kid and I didn't raise her.

Enabling your child, whether they are 20 or 50 is probably not a great thing.  Can you talk to your daughter about the lying and let her know the consequences.  ie, it is a breach of trust and if she continues and hangs out with people who encourage that, you will without financial support.  Or whatever feels appropriate.  I'm just trying to understand if this boyfriend is maybe not the type of person you want your daughter around, so it's maybe a bigger question of his character?

I think it's OK to have conversations about loved ones about their behavior, their friends, when we are supporting them.  If they are holding out an open palm every week and saying "hey, where's my cash?"  that's fair game.  You're probably investing a lot for her to go to college.  There's expectations that she's taking it seriously and studying, not admiring a boy.

Is it time to maybe get her alone for coffee with Mom and have a heart to heart?  Could you frame it in a loving way that maybe she would accept?

Not saying I can do this, I'm still pissed at my Kid!    I just kind of wished I'd approached it differently since now she doesn't talk to me at all anymore.  She does allow my husband to pick up her two boys occasionally.  Although, last weekend we tried to get them they were both "grounded" and as punishment she wouldn't let them see us.  (my husband was not too happy with that, he said she was using it as a weapon and that is not right)

Just try to keep the big picture in mind is all I'm saying.  She's your little girl, but she's growing up.  She probably does need a little independence now and to "learn for her own mistakes" as Pook already mentioned.

I think back to High School and I'm pretty sure I never told my mom the truth about anything (especially not my boyfriends) from 15 on.  Believe it or not I'm a pretty well adjusted adult, with no criminal record and I didn't married a thief or a liar. LOL
 
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[Sancho]

Hi Anastazie
The thing that I am trying to understand is that they are supposed to have broken up because his mother wanted him to? Is that correct?

Is there some sort of pressure on his family side to end the relationship - when he doesn't really want to - and they are actually together but pretending they are not because his family would not be happy if they were?

From what you post it's not clear to me whether your dd has lied to you ie the relationship has ended and they pretended it is still going or the relationship is still on and they pretend it isn't because of his family.

I can imagine the would become quite paranoid about people knowing they are together if his family want him to end it and think that he has - hence telling you it is all off when it isn't.

I am going round in circles  . . . sorry!