Brief history

[Crossroads2]

My adult daughter who is 22has BPD and it is wreaking havoc within our family .  She was first diagnosed with Bipolar 2 when she was 16 but recently that was changed to BPD.  She also has ADHD.  It has been a long road and we are trying to figure this out as we go along which is not easy.  I really am fearful for my daughters future, her ability to manage herself and her emotions and have stable relationships.  She did try college and has dropped out, it was a disaster.  She is now doing nothing, living at home and driving us crazy!
She is on an antidepressant and this
Has helped but she is still explosive and very difficult to manage.  I’m hoping that I will learn from this community and be able to move forward..  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Crossroads, I understand your pain.  I'm going through a similar situation with my stepdaughter, who is a bit older than your daughter.  A difference is that my stepdaughter's dysfunction really emerged when she first went to college.  However, like you, it's been a long haul.  I even went through a mini "mourning" period, believing that my stepdaughter was lost to her mental illness and would never learn to be functional, because almost nothing seemed to be working.  Having said that, she's received extensive treatment, and lately she seems to be coping a little bit better.  But it's two steps forward, one step backward.  She has caused the immediate and extended family a great deal of pain, and she has threatened my marriage.  She has lost all her friends.  So I go back and forth between empathy, sadness and anger.

There are seasoned commenters on this site who are better than I am about how to deal with this difficult illness.  What I'll say is that my stepdaughter did not do well when she was home with us, doing little but sleeping, moping and raging.  I would argue with my husband about what to do about that.  He believed he couldn't ask anything of her, because she would threaten or attempt suicide.  (She started going "nuclear" at 19 when she didn't get her way.)  At any rate, it is not healthy for a young adult to be "checked out" and disengaged with the world, which leads to rage and hopelessness.  It is hard to "force" someone to get treatment and admit there's a problem (I bet your daughter is convinced YOU are the problem).  Their thinking is very distorted, and they lie (mostly to themselves, but also to others) in order to avoid responsibility.  So they have to hit rock bottom, sometimes more than once, to recognize that change needs to happen.  I think it's better for your daughter to hit rock bottom earlier rather than later.  If home becomes too comfortable, and a grown adult is allowed to avoid responsibilities (like school, work, contributing to the household, being respectful, etc.), she'll stay around indefinitely and make your life miserable.  In my case, this situation went on far too long.  Furthermore, if your daughter doesn't achieve adult milestones like graduating, getting a real job, having a boyfriend, being self-sufficient, etc., she will feel even worse, while never admitting it.  Instead she'll blame you.  So I think every effort needs to be made to ensure your daughter is working and/or studying and/or volunteering (even if part-time) and getting therapy.  If she quits a job, she needs to find another one.  Either that or she's out.

Take care, this is really tough and heartbreaking.