I blew a gasket

[Rockylove]

OK... .   so seriously.  I'm human.  I validated every friggin owie and I'm tired and f this plumbing and muttering under his breath about something that I just asked him a question about not that I asked him to actually DO anything~~and then  "why the hell would you buy pork loin" today and I finally had enough when he said he was hungry and I said I was cooking dinner... .   he said "I'm hungry now!"  That was it!  I blew!  Then it was all about me not paying any of the bills, etc.  Like I didn't spend all day tiling HIS house and doing HIS laundry (which is a chore in itself since I have to fill the washer with a hose and hang it on the clothes line to dry)  I told him just to shut the f up and he can't because he only feels validated when he's talking (which is what he always says to me)... .   and now some friends of mine are coming over... .   and I'm welcoming the distraction... .   let's just see how he acts.  Oh, I love you baby... .   you're the best!  You are so this and so that... .   yeah... .   BITE ME!  So, I'm not all that and a bag of chips.  I'm not enlightened.  I lose my cool.  Tomorrow is another day... .   for tonight, I intend to enjoy my friend's visit and sleep up stairs in my studio and hope for a brighter tomorrow.  Grrr... .   he has been after me since the moment he woke up this morning!  I wish he would have just gone back to bed and not spoken a word or done a darned thing!  Double grrrrr!  It will all blow over and he'll be sweet and loving tomorrow... .   but for today, I'm pissed.  It's all good... .   I get over it.  Maybe that's the only salvation for this dysfunctional relationship... .   I get over it.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[allibaba]

Sorry.  I love it.  Everyone has those days.

And occasionally... .   just occasionally... .   I think its healthy to have my husband hear me blow a gasket.

He said one time I lost it and went out the front door swearing and he said he sat on the couch laughing because he just didn't realize that I had it in me.

[Rockylove]

oh, I have it in me... .   I just chose not to use it often!  LOL  I'm so pissed right now... .   he's been an absolute ass all day.  I'm tired.  I've had 2 very long very trying days at work and today I was cheerful and ready to rock and roll on the stuff that needed tending to at the house.  He was in a mood since he woke up.  No matter what I've gone through, his little aches and pains are going to top it!   GRRRRRRRRRRRR   and double GRRRRRRRRR!  whew!  OK  I'm not over it... .   but I will be. 

[allibaba]

I understand!  Hopefully the cold light of morning will deliver a better day today.

[Rockylove]

He's doing his taxes... .   I'm laying low

[arabella]

   I'm sorry, Rockylove, I know just how frustrating and GRR-inducing it is... .   but I couldn't stop laughing! I've totally been there myself. Good for you! Sometimes blowing a gasket is just the release we need and sometimes our partners really need to see it.

Also, your level of self-control and patience always impresses me, so I'm relieved to see you're still human!

So how did your friends' visit go?

[Rockylove]

The visit with our friends went well.  He was just as pleasant as I knew he'd be.   

After they left the fireworks started again and I went up to my studio to sleep.  He actually came up at some point and got close to my face and said something about not wanting to marry me or some crap.  It startled me.  But he left just as quickly as he came in and I almost thought I was dreaming!  LOL

I haven't said much to him today.  I got up and started cleaning the mess of a kitchen then made him some ultra healthy pancakes and sauted apples.  I had it all ready for him when he woke up.  Gave it to him with a smile and sat down next to him.  He said "what?  Are you going to start another fight?"  I said no... .   I just want to love you.  I haven't spoken to him unless he's spoken to me all day.  I've really nothing to say.  I'm enjoying the quiet (well, for the most part it's quiet... .   he IS doing his taxes so there's a bit of cussing associated with that, but at least it's not directed at me!)

[arabella]

I got up and started cleaning the mess of a kitchen then made him some ultra healthy pancakes and sauted apples.  I had it all ready for him when he woke up.  Gave it to him with a smile and sat down next to him.  He said "what?  Are you going to start another fight?"  I said no... .   I just want to love you.

Yeah, you're still a much better woman than I! I need to work on this loving detachment and patience thing... .  

Glad to hear that your visit was good, despite your SO's irritating state - at least you got to have a nice visit! Good job on keeping out of the line of fire. And I don't think swearing at taxes counts for anything at all... .   hehe

[waverider]

Thats a good sign as that is just frustration and can blow over, as opposed to resentment that wouldn't and would probably end in passive aggressive behavior which would just prime the situation for another fight.

The OCCASIONAL blow up does act as a reminder that you are not just a doormat. Just as long as it is only occasional.

When you blow like that do you still feel more in control and aware than perhaps you might once have been. Controlled (albeit limited)anger rather than just desperate anger?

I have the occasional angry spat. But I am not afraid that it will head off into dysregulation because I am more aware, and far better able to defuse it if it starts heading that way. It is usually over very quickly. It is far better than sulky passive aggression. Funnily enough a pwBPD understands that language, the sudden outburst followed by quickly over it, and it does little harm. As long as you do drop it quickly.

[Rockylove]

When you blow like that do you still feel more in control and aware than perhaps you might once have been. Controlled (albeit limited)anger rather than just desperate anger?

I'm not exactly sure what you mean.  Could you explain a bit more for me... .   my brain hurts and I've not the mental capacity at the moment to understand much of anything.

It is usually over very quickly. It is far better than sulky passive aggression. Funnily enough a pwBPD understands that language, the sudden outburst followed by quickly over it, and it does little harm. As long as you do drop it quickly.

I didn't harp on it.  I was quiet.  I know that he likes silence when he's concentrating and I was letting him have his space while he worked on his taxes.  After that I was just quiet because I didn't feel much like talking. 

Last night I kissed him on the forehead, said good night and went to bed.  He stayed up~~late.  When he came to bed he was muttering stupid stuff and of course I woke up but I didn't say anything.  He got a bit louder.  I said "I can tell there's something you want to talk about but I'd rather discuss it tomorrow" and he then said he was calling off the wedding. 

There was more to it, but for the most part he was just calling me a liar and I never do what I say I'll do~~for example, I didn't get him the "head trip" I promised (which has now gotten so distorted from the original conversation about this that it's no where close to the reality) and that I didn't get him the donation receipt for his taxes.  I did EXACTLY what I said I would do and I even followed up on it (once) but they never produced it and I really did just forget about it.  He said "your life is so busy that you can't remember to do what you said you would and I'm the one who's A.D.D?  That's bull___!"  I said that I did what I said I was going to do.  He didn't/couldn't/wouldn't follow through so therefore it's my fault.     I said "you told me that it wasn't about what I do for you and that I didn't have to do anything but love you, but it seems that I do have to do some things."  I can't even tell you what his response was because he wasn't making sense, but he sure couldn't argue with that.

At any rate, he told me that my presence last night was agitating him.  He said that I slept up in my studio night before last when he wanted me there with him (in our room) and now I was in our room when he wanted me upstairs.  I said "fair enough" and went up and slept in the studio.  I heard him muttering for a good half hour before he passed out.  So on top of the stress of everything else, I've not gotten enough sleep and I have to work today.  Good grief! 

I'm leaving him a note:

I'm sorry things have gotten so out of hand.  I can see why you feel that I was trying to be controlling the other night when I told you to either be nice or go somewhere else when Tad & Laura came over.  That wasn't fair of me to say.  I was angry and I lost it.  I'm sure you know the feeling.  It happens to the best of us.  All I can do is apologize and work on not losing control and saying stupid things in the future.  I'm human, I'll likely falter, but I do keep working on ways to improve.  Getting angry doesn't mean that I don't love you.  I told you just the other day that I love you through the good times and the bad and that is still true.  Above all, I want you to know that I love you and feel terribly about the argument the other day.  I don't like the feelings that emerge from anger and frustration.  I also don't want to suppress my anger and frustration either as that will create resentment.  I am trying to find better ways to express those feelings... .   it's a growing process~~never ending, it seems. LOL

I know that life in general has been extremely stressful for you lately.  The renovation has been difficult, but I am aware that you've got added stress about money and doing your taxes and whatever else that I'm not aware of.  I sense that you are stressing over the possibility of having to “take care of” me and that is something that I really don't want.  I don't want to be a burden.  I guess the thought of marrying me is added stress right now~~you don't need anything more to stress you out, so we will just cancel. 

You told me that you wouldn't give up on love... .   I won't either.  I love you and will continue to love you.  I'm still learning the 'how you want to be loved' at this point.  When you said I didn't have to do anything but love you, I don't know that I completely understood or understand now, but I'm trying.  I still do certain things, but I think there are other more specific things that you'd like me to do.  We spoke briefly about me participating financially and you said that you didn't feel I should do that, but the reality of the situation justifies my participation.  Being self employed and having sporadic income has always been difficult for me to manage effectively.  Perhaps I could give a percentage of each of my checks to the household or if there's a dollar amount that you may have in mind, I will budget for that.  I'm just looking for clarification on your thoughts as to how to make this feel good for both of us.  I don't want you to shoulder the financial burden of running the household alone.

I've been talking to people about business and regrouping in an attempt to make my business profitable.  There have been so many times that I've thought of throwing in the towel and looking for a job with a steady income~~one that doesn't follow me home at the end of the day~~and it may still have to happen sooner rather than later, but for now I've got to concentrate on generating more income. 

It's been difficult to relax while there's so much to do around here, but today is going to be a beautiful day.  I hope that you can set aside the renovation project for the day and get outside and enjoy the sun. ~~even if it's just a few hours~~it might help rejuvenate you. 

[arabella]

Oh dear, Rockylove, that's a lot to deal with!

I think your note is beautifully written, full of compassion, and very reasonable. I do worry about the 'calling off the wedding' bits of this story though. I can see how it could be adding stress. I can see how weddings are not the be-all-and-end-all of relationships, etc. But I am concerned that his response to stress is to abandon his commitment to your r/s. Do take this with a grain of salt given that it's coming from me and I know that my situation is colouring my view. It makes me a little uncomfortable though that you are so willing to agree to cancel the wedding because he is currently upset. I was under the impression that getting married was something you wanted and were looking forward to. His threat re the wedding seems inappropriate to me and I am concerned that you are just going along with his behaviour even though it's not appropriate. I could be misreading the situation, but where is your boundary with this?

[briefcase]

What are you trying to accomplish in this note?  Give an apology?  Explain and defend yourself?  Open a conversation about his stress level?  Discuss financial issues?

It seems like there is a lot going on in that note.  And a lot of it seems aimed at soothing him.  I would imagine his threats to call off the wedding are pushing a hot button for you.  I'm wondering if you are reacting to that?

[Grey Kitty]

Rockylove,

Are you asking for thoughts on the letter before you send it, or have you already sent it?

[waverider]

When you blow like that do you still feel more in control and aware than perhaps you might once have been. Controlled (albeit limited)anger rather than just desperate anger?

I'm not exactly sure what you mean.  Could you explain a bit more for me... .   my brain hurts and I've not the mental capacity at the moment to understand much of anything.

before I had any awarness of what was causing these things when i "lost it" I would be almost as dysregulated as my partner and would say things in an uncontrolled reactionary way leading to unstoppable escalation. Now if I am angry, I can still choose what I say and if i do start being unreasonable I am aware of it straight away. Not perfect, but closer to that ideal.

With that note be careful of over soothing him, or he may dump the whole blame on you, not just this time but next time too. You have a right to be angry now and then, dont deny yourself that right.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Rockylove, just wanted to send you a hug 

[Rockylove]

But I am concerned that his response to stress is to abandon his commitment to your r/s... .   His threat re the wedding seems inappropriate to me and I am concerned that you are just going along with his behaviour even though it's not appropriate. I could be misreading the situation, but where is your boundary with this?

arabella, if his reaction to stress is to abandon his commitment to the r/s... .   it's best to know now when I don't have the legal piece of paper complicating matters. 

If this was an idol threat, he's going to be the loser~~I'm not playing that kind of game.  I believe he absolutely meant it when he said it~~just as he meant it when he twice told me to get out of his house.  He may regret say it now, and I'm giving it a couple of days before completely canceling... .   I may just postpone, but there will not be a wedding for us this June.  He has to know that he can't keep playing with fire and not expect to get burned.  I've already told him that he can't keep kicking me out and expecting me to return... .   same holds true for the wedding.  He's said twice that he didn't want to marry me.  I realize that he was ___ faced and dysregulated, but if he says cancel a 3rd time... .   that's what it will be.

So I suppose that's my boundary.   3 strikes and I'm out.  LOL   I'm not saying that I'll leave him if we don't marry, but I won't say yes again either. 

[Rockylove]

What are you trying to accomplish in this note?  Give an apology?  Explain and defend yourself?  Open a conversation about his stress level?  Discuss financial issues?

It seems like there is a lot going on in that note.  And a lot of it seems aimed at soothing him.  I would imagine his threats to call off the wedding are pushing a hot button for you.  I'm wondering if you are reacting to that?

His threats to call off the wedding are really not a hot button for me.  I have nothing to gain from a legal union other than the right to see him in intensive care in the event he's hospitalized.  His assets are designated to go to his children upon his death.  He's got more to lose through his threats than I've got. 

My aim in the note was to address issues from the past couple of days.  I will always apologize when I feel that I've been out of line.  It is obvious that he's been stressed and I was acknowledging that.  I felt that by telling him that I was trying to find better ways of expressing anger and frustration it may plant the seed for him to see that he can as well if he so chooses.  I've no illusions of that happening, but I've been taught that we lead by example.  He may or may not take the hint, but that's not mine to own.  My intent is to strive to be the best version of ME that there is.

[briefcase]

People with BPD "mean it" when they say it . . . whatever "it" happens to be at the moment.   

When they are dysregulated, they really act from a purely emotional state over which they have lost control.  So, if he has BPD, he may very well mean it when he says he doesn't want to marry you.  But, he probably also means it the next day when he says he does want to marry you. 

For this reason, the odds are he'll probably say it again when he's dysregulated. Despite you making it clear to him that you don't like him to say he doesn't want to marry you when he's dysregulated.  It's the nature of the beast.  Have you read the story of the frog and the scorpion crossing the river?  It's on this site somewhere and a pretty good analogy for your situation.   

Are you willing to follow through if he says it again?  Cancel the wedding?   

[Rockylove]

People with BPD "mean it" when they say it . . . whatever "it" happens to be at the moment.   

Are you willing to follow through if he says it again?  Cancel the wedding?   

If he asks me to marry him, I'll be saying no.  Then it will be up to him whether he wants to live with me as things are or to move on.  I love him and will stay with him, but I'll not be marrying him.

I'd love to find the story you were referring to... .   any way you can point me to that?

[waverider]

[

I'd love to find the story you were referring to... .   any way you can point me to that?

Google scorpion and frog fable, there are a few versions,I dont think there is a thread on it here, but I quoted it a few times

Principle is people often do self sabotaging behaviors despite being aware of the consequences, as that is their nature (the illogicality of mental illness)

[Rockylove]

Principle is people often do self sabotaging behaviors despite being aware of the consequences, as that is their nature (the illogicality of mental illness)

I don't know whether this applies to me or to him (or both of us) in this situation.  I'd rather think it applies to him, but some of the responses here suggest that it's me.  I'm still trying to figure out why canceling the wedding would be a bad thing.

He asked me to marry him, not the other way around.  He told me two nights in a row when he was raging that he didn't want to marry me.  I felt that it would be in MY best interest to cancel for 2 reasons:

First~~He has often told me that I need to choose my words more carefully.  Perhaps he'll think twice next time, perhaps not, but I don't want him to use marriage as a weapon against me and if it's not there, he can't.  He will have to deal with the consequences of his actions. 

Second~~If it's creating stress for him and thus creating stress for me and it isn't something that I feel passionate about, I believe it is best to remove it from the mix.

[arabella]

Rockylove, I didn't mean to suggest that your choice to cancel the wedding was a bad one. I understand your reasons and I think that they make sense. I think some of the concern you are seeing expressed here, certainly on my part anyway, is regarding his pushing your boundaries.

arabella, if his reaction to stress is to abandon his commitment to the r/s... .   it's best to know now when I don't have the legal piece of paper complicating matters. 

If this was an idol threat, he's going to be the loser~~I'm not playing that kind of game. I believe he absolutely meant it when he said it~~just as he meant it when he twice told me to get out of his house. He may regret say it now, and I'm giving it a couple of days before completely canceling... .   I may just postpone, but there will not be a wedding for us this June. He has to know that he can't keep playing with fire and not expect to get burned. I've already told him that he can't keep kicking me out and expecting me to return... .   same holds true for the wedding.  He's said twice that he didn't want to marry me. I realize that he was ___ faced and dysregulated, but if he says cancel a 3rd time... .   that's what it will be.

So I suppose that's my boundary. 3 strikes and I'm out. LOL I'm not saying that I'll leave him if we don't marry, but I won't say yes again either. 

It isn't that I think you should marry him regardless (absolutely not). It's that I see a problem where he gets upset, threatens to take away something that is important to you or back-pedals on his commitments, and you go along with that behaviour. The impression I got from the wording of the note was not that you were enforcing a boundary, but that you would go along with whatever he wanted - it sounded like soothing. I see now that is not how you view the situation. I do wonder how he will interpret things - have you just given him permission (in his mind) to say/do whatever he feels like whenever he feels like it?

I don't want him to use marriage as a weapon against me and if it's not there, he can't.  He will have to deal with the consequences of his actions.

Second~~If it's creating stress for him and thus creating stress for me and it isn't something that I feel passionate about, I believe it is best to remove it from the mix.

You aren't going to be able to remove all of his 'weapons' if he uses things that are important to you and the r/s in that way. It's a bit of a slippery slope and it's not really about the wedding per se. If the consequences of his actions are that he gets whatever he wants when he throws a tantrum, without any input from you, then that's problematic too. I am NOT suggesting that you change your mind about the wedding, I am suggesting that there may be a lack of clarity here as regarding your boundaries - it makes sense after your explanation, but it requires a lot of inferences and guessing otherwise.

[waverider]

sometimes knowing someone has BPd and all it entails makes it difficult to take that marriage step as there is always that element of what if it gets worse. as we here so many times on these boards. Also that extra level of commitment makes an emergency escape plan a little harder and raises  , even if only subconsciously.

Add to this the "what if" about the extra commitment causes a bigger feeling of safety to just vent as they feel.

We are not married but are as close as, and I know, if I am being honest, its only that BPD lurking in the corner thats stopping it on my part no matter how much better I am now at dealing with it. It is still that unexploded bomb in the corner, even though I know I feel fully committed

[Rockylove]

sometimes knowing someone has BPd and all it entails makes it difficult to take that marriage step as there is always that element of what if it gets worse... .   It is still that unexploded bomb in the corner, even though I know I feel fully committed

I agree.  I am committed to our relationship, but I've no crystal ball on this one.  I only want what's best and for right now that means no wedding bells are going to ring. 

[Grey Kitty]

Principle is people often do self sabotaging behaviors despite being aware of the consequences, as that is their nature (the illogicality of mental illness)

I don't know whether this applies to me or to him (or both of us) in this situation.  I'd rather think it applies to him, but some of the responses here suggest that it's me.  I'm still trying to figure out why canceling the wedding would be a bad thing.

When I read it, I know I was thinking the self-sabotaging description applied to his canceling the wedding, not pointing anything at you!

In addition, when he says he wants to break off the wedding... .   I think you are being reasonable and wise to accept this choice of his!

And lastly, if he reproposes (is that a word   ) I'm sure you will think about this back-and-forth on his part when you decide if you want to accept or not.  

Perhaps he'll think twice next time, perhaps not, but I don't want him to use marriage as a weapon against me and if it's not there, he can't.  He will have to deal with the consequences of his actions.  

... .   but if he says cancel a 3rd time... .   that's what it will be.

... .   So I suppose that's my boundary.   3 strikes and I'm out.

I just don't see how this sort of a boundary serves YOU, Rockylove.

First, nothing you do can keep him from using marriage as a weapon when he's dysregulated--He may decide to attack you for rejecting his next proposal. Heck he might decide to attack you for "rejecting him" over the one he broke this time! 

Second, boxing yourself in with a "I will never ... .   if he ... .   " is a long commitment. You feel this way now, but who knows what next year will bring for YOU. It sounds more like the all-or-nothing, forever-or-never sort of thinking that we hear way too much of from a pwBPD.

A position like "I'm not able to forget what you said about calling off the wedding and go back to our plan as if nothing happened" would also protect you today, without boxing you in five years from now.

Would that feel right for you?

[Rockylove]

A position like "I'm not able to forget what you said about calling off the wedding and go back to our plan as if nothing happened" would also protect you today, without boxing you in five years from now.

Would that feel right for you?

Indeed.  I don't want to predict the future, but I also don't want him to propose again and then yank the rug out from under my feet.  I'm just letting it be for now.  I told him today that I hoped that he felt less stressed now not having to think about getting married, because it certainly has lightened the stress level for me. 

I'm actually relieved in a way.