Oof. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

I've been in your shoes and it's so tough. I'm impressed that you recognize the Karpman Drama Triangle and it's possibilities. It's really hard to stay off it when there are drama-driven individuals involved.

What is the outcome here that you are hoping for from the call to CPS?

It's a loaded question, I know.

Hi,

I am a mother to a BPD 30 year old daughter, who lives with me.  I love her very much, and  I want to help her move forward.  I told her last year that she had until September 1, 2024 to move out.  She keeps telling me she is too ill and afraid to move out on her own.  I am so tired of her dysrelation, and I am losing my patience with her.  She acts like a spoiled child.

I always tell people that when she is good, she is so good/kind/considerate.  But when she is bad, she is so mean/nasty/wicked. 

I am fortunate, that she has a job, and seems to do well at it.  So, it baffles me that she can hold her emotions together at job, but come home and turn on a dime if I say something to her that she doesn't agree with or if I don't agree with her.

I raised four children, and lost my husband to early onset Alzheimers five years ago.   I am tired of being a care giver, and I want to move on with my life. 

My over question is, how to I stay with the plan for her moving out in September?  How can I support her without giving into her?  What can I say to her? 

Hi - so sorry to hear about your situation.  Question - which podcast do you listen to?  I’ve been trying to find one that addresses BPD but so far I’ve seen are podcasts by people with BPD.

 
This is my first post after struggling alone with parenting challenges for the last 10 years. We are overwhelmed and losing hope that we can help make a positive impact for our family, and for our beloved daughter. It seems that no matter what we say or do, or what changes we make, she reacts with extreme anger that turns into regret, then slides into depression and helplessness. Our world seems to revolve around keeping her “stable” - and she rarely is. She is sad, isolated, and quick to lash out at those who love her. I’m frankly a wreck and terrified she might harm herself. I have a therapist for support - and she has had a string of therapists and psychiatrists (and she has had meds) but they have not made a huge difference - and she is leery of anyone being able to help her.   I’ve applied to the Family Connections program - and just knowing there are others struggling as we are, is a help and a comfort. It’s darn lonely being a parent of a troubled child   Any advice/encouragement/resources would be deeply valued. Thank you.

The healing happened very slowly at first, then a little faster, then faster still, and then finally all at once.  I am talking about the process where you go from being in some of the worst pain you can imagine to feeling towards your BPD-ex the same way you feel about any other ex, or any old friend / acquaintance for that matter.  Or maybe indifference is a better way of describing it, like there is no longer emotional charge when you think about that person, even if you still wish your ex well in wherever their journey has taken them.

The difference between how I felt during the initial breakup and now is quite striking.  Its like there are two different versions of me and that was a different person — who I was back then — feeling all of these intense grieving emotions over the loss of my BPD-ex, feeling like I would never get over her.  And wondering if I would spend the rest of my life grieving the loss of this one relationship, which was never even very healthy or fulfilling in the first place.

It had all of the classic signs of a BPD relationship, her extreme mood swings and lashing out over the smallest things. Many times I didn’t even realize I had committed an infraction until afterwards when she exploded with anger.  Her guarded use of her cell phone — who knows what secrets were hiding there — it tormented me in the weeks / months after the breakup, now I can genuinely laugh about it.  Did she cheat on me with her ex before me or not?  (It doesn’t matter at all to me now if she cheated, if she did its her problem and not mine.)  Her paining me black various times, breaking up, then returning weeks / months later and wanting to pick up where we left off.  Her general hot-and-cold behavior, often in the same day.  I can’t believe I tolerated that kind of treatment, I hadn’t before and haven’t since then.

Then the most important question of all: what was my role and responsibility in all this?  There was a lot I did wrong.  I think there is an inherent trap in coming on these BPD forums, it’s easy for us to see ourselves as the victims (and often there are plenty of good reasons why many of us have been victimized.)  But I remind myself that a “healthy” version of me would not have allowed the whole saga to continue for as long as it did.  And the “unhealthy” version of me, not only allowed it to continue but actively contributed to the whole process.  I’m 100% sure parts of my avoidance actively provoked my EX and did damage to our relationship.  Maybe as much as she did.  Or maybe more.  It isn’t a contest, the point is to recognize where you went wrong so the situation doesn’t repeat.

I think this last part, taking responsibility, if also shows where you really are in the healing process.  At the beginning I needed so badly to be right — to be the victim — that it was just too painful to take responsibility.  Now looking back I can see that is a part of the healing process, at least for me.

I just wanted to share my story and lessons.  If you are going through it now, know that I was where you were and you will get through it.

Some things that dramatically helped my healing:

1. Mindfulness meditation practiced daily, I used some of the audio books by Ekhart Tolle and practiced daily
2. Reading and practicing daily “The Limerent Mind” by Lucy Good
3. Focussing on good sleep, it took a while for my sleep to come back
4. Psychedelic Therapy
5. Daily exercise and healthy diet, avoiding processed foods and inflammatory foods

When I say I did these things daily I really mean it.  If you’re in the early stages of a breakup feeling intense pain, this may be for some the only Ace card you have up your sleeve: you can choose (right now) to take all of the pain, trauma, and heartache you are feeling and channel it into completely rebuilding your life for the better.  You’ll be glad you did.  The pain of the breakup gives you these kinds of opportunities, but you only get a few of them per lifetime, so please (I’m begging you) use this opportunity while you have it.  It really is a gift!!

That's a solid truth isn't it? That interactions with your ex or anyone with BPD is always going to be extremely up and down, and it will take a lot of support and insight into yourself so that you've got a chance of making sense of it, or to be able to withstand it. Because instability creates instability.

You mentioned that it's the 'not knowing what comes next' that causes the anxiety for you. I really identify with this statement. I feel exactly the same about my ex, and I actually said that to him in our last interaction... because I felt so so anxious that day, and it was a rare day when he was receptive to that and cared about it... and I told him it was it was so hard when he reappears and then disappear the next minute... because it left me with this anxious feeling of never knowing what was coming next. It's not secure, it's not stable, it's not predictable... so then what happens is we start coming in with anxious reactions and behaviours to try and create that stability and security, to figure out what's happening and state our position so it feels clear from our side at least. And they react to that by pushing away...

The thing is, in the dynamic of push and pull... they are more likely to come back and want more interaction when you push away completely. But there's no healthy resolution to this toxic dance. It's just a dance of fear and anxiety on either end... until one person takes control over the anxiety and makes a decision based on what is truly best for them. And that's what you're trying to do now...  it's so great that you're seeing a difference in your reactions based on where you were and where you are now.

This:


I understand this so well. If you act in opposition to your own values, it can feel like trading one type of suffering for another.

Whether you can tolerate the new suffering (acting in opposition to your values) is the question. For me, things came to a head. The stress of trying to manage an unmanageable BPD husband and (even worse for me) watching my son suffer because of it -- it became too much. Not only did I divorce my ex, I left in a way that made me feel unrecognizable to myself. That created not just transitional stress from leaving, but stress of shedding an identity.

The stressors of managing your mother are massive but they are known anxieties. Changing your values is a different kind of anxiety that may feel less certain and in many ways more uncomfortable. It is genuinely painful to do things that violate values.

The disrespectful case manager was rude. She also said something that seems accurate. Your mother is making choices. They don't make sense but she is making them in accordance with whatever constitutes her "self." I can't help by wonder if there is an opportunity there with your family friends to frame this in terms of her safety. Discretely. I have to thread the needle of discretion anytime I am trying to manage boundaries with my stepdaughter. It's so delicate that sometimes there is only a sliver of possibility and it can be fleeting, but I'm learning to look for those moments and almost practice to leverage them so I can protect myself.

Hello im writing this in my 5th period actually , Im 16 years old, i got with my girlfriend around 10 months ago, we were both 15 and now were 16. for some backstory, she was a girl ive had eyes on for MONTHSS and we talked for around 4 months before making things official, this isnt a girl i can just let go.

In the beginning, there wasnt that much signs of her having BPD, as the relationship went on, ive obviously made mistakes like any other and i have ADD myself, i have trouble concentrating and remembering things. my girlfriend is extremely jealous and i currently have 0 female friends, i follow 0 girls on instagram/any social media except for her, she still follows guys on instagram when she had communicated she wanted me to unfollow girls, and i did so without any issue.
Since around late november she had been starting to show the signs of BPD. She gets mad at me very constantly for things that i cant truly control, she tells me the tiniest thing like for example, she told me she ate pasta earlier in the day, and when we talk the next day i ask what she had ate the day before, then she starts yelling and getting angry with me explaining that i dont listen to her and she just wants someone to remember ALL of the little things that she tells me, but i just have an issue with recalling things, i swear i do genuinely listen to the girl, thats my life, i dont talk to any of my friends i am not close with my family and she doesnt understand im crazy about her. CRAZY. if it were anyone else, oh trust me. they would have been left her.
She is insanely jealous and if i were to hang out with my friends for just a day, shed ignore me and tell me to have fun with "whoever im with" when i quite literally specify to her who im with, where we go, i send her pictures every 20 minutes and she still cant trust me, i dont know what to do, im sorry im just venting here on this website it just has gotten alot for me, i try my best i alwayssss buy her things i spend hundreds on her every month, i pour my heart into her and i genuinely try my best. I just need a source to tell these things to. i cant talk to anybody about this. NOBODY, all i have is my girlfriend.
I really dont know what to do for her. i always send her LONGGG ass paragraphs telling her i love her so much, i give her very constant reassurance and i just dont know what to do anymore, we facetime EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. and we sleep ON call together and if i were to ever not want to, shed find a big problem with it and tell me she needs to stop giving me her energy, my friends have told me their girlfriends never be like this, all of them are fine with my friends going out, they dont consistently get angry at them for not remembering what they ate a week ago, i just dont know what to do and i want to make things work with this woman more than anything. im still a 16 year old in highschool and want to spend eternity with this woman. i dont even know if anyone is going to read any of this. Theres a lot more i can say i just cant say it all. 

So I am going to apologize ahead of time for being a bit graphic, but I don't know how else to describe this situation.

My dBPDw frequently criticizes me during and after sex (who were you thinking about, why did you take so long to finish, why did you finish so fast, why didn't you kiss me at the end, quality of my erection, etc.) however, it has recently escalated to a new level. She has started to criticize the quality and amount of ejaculate (real or perceived) after we are done.

A few days ago we were having a good day. Although my wife had been low-key dysregulated over a job offer and preparing to leave a long-term and much-hated job (good changes can be just as stressful as negative ones, apparently), and had been taking the stress out on me, we had a good end to the day. She was kind to me and even said that she wanted to work on being a better mother and wife. When she initiated intimacy I went along with it, breaking my rule about no intimacy when she is dysregulated...even low-key, because of the kindness. I am so unused to her being kind that it totally disarmed me. When we were intimate it even felt tender and truly intimate rather than just the physical act.

However, when it was over and I was hoping to enjoy the afterglow and have cuddling/positive touch and talk/expressions of affection, she became crude and critical and ruined it. She asked me if I had even finished or if I had faked it. I asked her what she meant and she said that she felt like the quantity of my ejaculate was too small (it was interior, not exterior so kind of hard to judge accurately) and that it was too thin and runny. This made me feel really upset. She has criticized my ejaculate before (too much, too little, too thick, too runny, etc.) so I shouldn't have been as surprised and upset as I was. I think it was because her criticism shattered the illusion that I had been enjoying that we were actually being intimate for once instead of just completing the physical act.

The long and the short of it was that she said that it was an indication that I had been watching porn and masturbating (I haven't been.) I refused to JADE but told her that I was really disappointed and hurt that she would ruin what was otherwise such a lovely moment by making such crude accusations and criticisms about a natural bodily function that I have no conscious control over whatsoever. She took my refusal to JADE and the fact that I was upset and hurt as proof that she was right. I just rolled over in bed and told her "and this is why I don't want to have sex with you more often. When you say things like you just said, it makes me feel pushed away from you and not cared for." She responded by telling me that "you should just watch as much porn as you want to, because from here on out I won't be asking you for sex because I will be watching porn and masturbating too."

The next day she acted as if nothing had happened and everything was normal. She hasn't tried to initiate sex since then either though, and I sure don't want to either. I am just so hurt and am sick of feeling like a human sex toy; to be used for her purposes and summarily discarded as soon as she has gotten what she wants. Heck, even being used and discarded wouldn't hurt as much as being criticized and accused afterwards does. It is really making it hard for me to want to be with her in a sexual way at all. Has anyone else experienced this or something like it?

I don't know what to do about this at all. I don't feel like this is an appropriate thing to validate. I could explain that the average male human ejaculate is roughly equal to a tablespoon and can vary in consistency from thick to liquidy depending on a variety of factors including genetic, diet, and hydration, but that feels too much like JADEing and she wouldn't want to listen to the scientific facts anyway. The point is that she is critical of me when I am literally at the most vulnerable moment that a human being can be at: naked, post-coitus, and completely exposed physically, mentally, and emotionally. I also don't relish the idea of living the rest of my life celibate, but can't keep exposing myself to this feeling of being sexually abused.

HurtAndTired

Recently, I have made it out of a really abusive toxic relationship with someone who had borderline personality disorder. Not only did we try to make it work— after the week that he came back after having an extensive episode where he called off our engagement, and  got  engaged to some random Person, had unprotected sex with the said person, And made sure to tell me what was going on whenever We were in contact during his break— he decided he was cured of his ailments by God. After trying to explain to him that therapy was the only way to actually be cured and that I knew it would be a hard process, but that he could do it. He decided that the only way we could be together is if I believed in his fantasy, that he was completely cured. after everything I’ve been through with this guy I’m tired, I’ve tried to tell him how I feel but all he seems to say is that I was toxic and how bad I was in our relationship. I admit, I have a lot of trauma that put me out of control of those situations and caused me to crave control over small things. However, I know this because I have worked on self reflection, and owning up to my actions. I’m in therapy, and refused to stop going because he wants to be together. I finally told him that I was done. I was tired of being blamed for all of the things going wrong in our relationship that I was upset he would say that I was the love of his life, but that it would never work because of me. Borderline personality disorder is debilitating to deal with, and I tell him this all the time, but he never listens. I finally told him F you and left the conversation. This morning however, I got a text from him, showing me a picture of him with a filter showing off his mustache like nothing ever happened. WHY is he still texting me? I told him to leave me alone unless it was about the return of an appliance I left at his place.