Hi StayOrLeave15,
The newest development, however, is that when she is stressed she will constantly text me over and over asking what I am doing. Even if they are trivial things, she wants to know all the details. (For example taking out the garbage or doing the dishes.) And if I don't answer right away she will text me over and over and over. I would like to try and set boundaries here, but I know that bringing it up with her will cause her to blow up. I think that I will have to do it during our couples therapy session. Our therapist hasn't acknowledged that she is BPD yet, but her approach makes it pretty clear she knows that my gf a pwBPD.
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Both of these behaviors seem to be about isolation and control. She needs to know what I am doing and with whom I am doing it, even if these things have no bearing whatsoever on our relationship. And expect 10+ messages if I don't answer quickly and she knows I'm not at work. Any advice on similar experiences and how to set boundaries without a blowout fight (mine without question turning into her saying "You don't love me."? Thank you friends.
this constant control can be exhausting. It is not really about isolation or even about controlling you for the sake of control. It is more controlling you as a means controlling her own distress. In absence of self validation skills on her side she relies on excessive control of her environment to keep herself in balance. By transferring her emotions on to you during the calls she gets the feedback she needs to regulate her emotions.
And that is also the crux of the matter when it comes to setting boundaries. Setting boundaries inevitably will result in taking away her crutch whether you want or not. She can't use you to balance herself without you feeling used. And you can't deny it to her without her feeling a loss and having to adjust. This change will be both necessary for you, in the long run helpful for her but painful not the less. You may have some freedom in choosing the when, may be able manage the upset (owning up to your needs, avoiding invalidating abandonment, avoiding JADE) but probably very little wrt. to the how (check the board on stories on excessive phone calling and setting boundaries) and almost no chance of avoiding an extinction burst. Right now you are de-facto a critical part of her emotional regulation - too much to be healthy for the relationship. Getting this boundary in place will not be a cake walk and doing it in deliberate manner is better than to rush into it without having thought it fully through.
A basic preparation would include:
- workshop on boundaries
- back stories on this board on excessive calling
- having learned to avoid JADE
- validation of abandonment
- general working experience with validation
