New to this pls toss me some much needed advice

[leatherbag]

I don't know what to say, ya know? I'm young(21) and hes young too(19). She has BPD and it's a struggle. She's left me multiple times and I've taken her back and most recently I was the one to leave her before getting back just a few short hours later. She forgave me because the reason I left was due to the fact that I was unhappy and we got into an argument but nonetheless we got back together. Problem now is that it's just a matter of time before that super distant version of her comes out again. I know this because I can basically time it to a T. She knows how on point I am with this and we go to her therapist sometimes and whatever so I'm like mad supportive except I won't lie its super hard to just let go of things she's done in the past but I guess I took her back after each time so it's something I'm working on. My real reason for coming to this forum is because I don't exactly know what to do when she becomes distant. I know she's working on it too because she is in fact diagnosed and she's trying from what I can see but the distance is starting to build and I'm not the same little codependent boy I was before. I do know for a fact that I love her though so whats the best course of action when your BPD romantic partner starts being distant and I guess at times a little passive aggressive?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Hi leatherbag, welcome to the family.  It sounds like both you and your SO are taking proactive steps in your situation and that is good. Your SO's distancing seems to be a relatively common aspect of this disorder.  According to the schema mode model of BPD this distancing would be an aspect of the detached protector mode, where "the patient shuts off all emotions, disconnects from others, and functions like a machine." (source: "Schema Therapy of Borderline Personality Disorder: Conceptualization  and Treatment" https://sites.google.com/site/cognitivetherapycenterofli/self-help-materials/borderline-personality-disorder ). There is more info in the article you may find helpful.

[ColdEthyl]

Hello and welcome! I am sorry you are dealing with what we call "extinction bursts", I know they can be painful. Part of the passive/aggressiveness will always be there. My dBPDh doesn't even realize he does it. When he does, I just don't respond or react anymore. It's not personal, it's usually because he finds himself lacking in the situation somehow and needs to boost his own ego.

Let me kind of give you an example and see if that's what you mean. Both my husband and I are gamers. He never comes out and says that he's a better player than me, but there are times where I do something he thinks should be done a different way, and he will make a remark either right then or later on. The other night, I was playing Fallout 4 and I was modding a weapon and chose to put a reflex scope on it. He didn't say anything then, but later when he was playing and was scoping a weapon, he says "See this is a much better scope! Why would anyone use that other one?"

Now, he's kinda being an ass. But, it's not on purpose. He thinks everything he thinks and feels is the best ideas. In his mind... .if I chose a scope that was different than what he chose... .why he could be wrong.Since he thinks that, and if I do something he wouldn't have, it's like an itchy sweater on him. He can't help but say something. In the past, this would have pissed me off or hurt my feelings. But now that I know more about BPD and their thought process, I validate his thought by saying "That IS a very nice scope!" and moving on.

Is that like the passive/aggressive stuff you are referring to? Do you have a specific example you would like to share about the passive/aggression or being distant?