aargh talk me down

[elemental]

BPD just started conversation with me, chat was going ok, I asked him a question, he said he felt it was dangerous to be honest and it was a innocuous question, and I said it's ok to be honest and he logged off on me without another word.

i been totally calm with this guy for almost a month. not a single word in his direction or action that was not kind or neutral, though here obviously I have been expressing some unhappiness.

this logging off is a BIG trigger for me. am upset and sad now

Ignore this or ask him what happened?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[yeeter]

Maybe depends on the question on whether to ignore or not.  Clearly something he felt anxious about.

Why was him logging off so triggering to you?

Tell us more... .  

[elemental]

He logs off, walks out, disappears for days, then gives silent treatment when asked what happened.

Generally I have seen him use it as a tool to hurt me. Well, it hurts. He knows I am ok if he says he needs to go. I don't chase after, I say ok.

I don't understand why not just say he doesn't want to talk, or I need to go now?

Why just log off, walk off, leave, why silent treatment?

Isn't it easier to just say, "I need to go?"

And me to just say, "Ok, talk to you later." ?

I feel hurt, tossed away, disrespected, silently accused of some sort of terrible abuse... when I didn't actually do anything "wrong" that I could see. If he didn't want to talk, why talk to me... was I supposed to sit there and put smiley faces to everything he said or something?

What do I do now?

[elemental]

omg. he just emailed and said his boss walked in and he got "distracted".

I think I have PTSD

[BentNotBroken]

If you have ever been around a dog that was abused, you have seen the instinctive responses to seemingly benign stimuli. Picking up an object can cause them to cower in fear. They have a memory of being abused that is hard to overcome.

It may not be PTSD, per se, but after you have been abused enough a similar stimulus brings about the same emotional response. Don't be too hard on yourself, but it may be something to address with your therapist.

[elemental]

Well I guess then that both he and I have the problem. He thinks something bad is going to happen, so he bolts and I get freaked out when he does.

[laelle]

You certainly wouldnt be the first person who based an outcome off appearance and past experience.  

Experience is our teacher.  Live in the present and the past has no power.  

Your fear of saying the right words or doing the wrong thing is keeping you stuck.

[HaylFire]

wow it didnt post my reply. anyways ... i have the same problem and then when something happens like when your BPD's boss walked in i assume he is ignoring me. i understand how it feels. it hurts me so bad to be left and ignore for no reason. makes your thaughts and opinions and feelings seems like it doest matter. iv been dealing with it for over 2 years now and the pain seems to feel worse everytime. even now he is ignoring me for aking how his day went...  i even cried lastnight... and even now while typing this.  He has even walked 2 ours home just to get away from me  (we dont live together at the moment). alsowhat really sucks is when  he tkes his mood swings out on me no matter who or hat causes it and he acys fine with everyone else

[elemental]

Yes, Laelle, I am walking on eggshells. I have no idea what will set him off.

I guess this goes back for me to him disappearing for days, then when he came home, changing the locks on the door and refusing to let me in for an hour when I came home. After that, he began to do these things everytime he got caught out on something or stressed or angry.

Now I am scared to say hardly anything to him that could be construed as upsetting.

I don't even know anymore. I feel like I got sucked into Wonderland. Maybe more time is needed to calm down... .  like months. :/

HaylFire, I can so relate.  

[laelle]

 If you upset him with something you said that was unintentional and he is unwilling to let it go, then let him run off and deal with his own issues.  If it hurts you so bad for him to run off, work on your issues that is causing that while he is gone. Solitude vs Loneliness.   Stop being scared.  You are worth more than you give yourself credit for.  Stop blaming yourself.  You are a great person worth knowing. 

[elemental]

I am scared that he is truely mentally whacked.

Yeh, I blame myself when it happens. I have disconnect at times between my sensible logical self... .  and the girl that stands in front of this man and gets projected onto, devalued, and treated like I am supposed to be buying into the re-writing of facts that twist everything around to be my fault.

Even after all this time here, the only way I feel I have to stop it is to try and validate, then when I get no response, go silent and walk off.