Daughter with BPD Traits

[Brave Momma]

Hello Group,

I have looked at this group and read "loving Someone with BPD" but have not been totally sure if my daughter has this; but is becoming more clear (also to her therapist and our family therapist) that she does.  She was also diagnosed a few years ago with BPD traits.

She is going to be 18 next week and recently left home to live with someone she knew about 3 weeks (male).

We have given her a "choice" to go out on her own but will not support her financially in any way and took her car from her.  Even with that, she packed a few bags and left.  She came home a couple of nights later and we thought she was home for good but left the next morning again.

It has been 2.5 weeks and she has asked for money once but we did not give it to her and we have taken her to dinner once to talk to her.  She seems very depressed and know she is using marijuana (possibly other things).

I'm thinking of getting authorities involved since she is still 17, but our therapist is saying to let her hit rock bottom and WANT to come home vs. getting her mad by intervening.  I am just so terrified as she is very naiive and vulnerable.

Any advice?

Scared Momma

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Brave Mama

Welcome to bpdfamily   I'm so sorry you are going through this and understand how terrified you are for your daughters safety. That she's been prepared to meet you, came home for a night keeps the communication open, she knows she is welcome home, it's her decision.  The advice you've been given that your daughter has to WANT to come home I have seen here on the board, just like they have to want to get better.

I'd do my best to the communication going, invite her to join you shopping and lunch, to the movies, or a walk, something where you can chill out together and show her some compassion for what she's going through. Is she continuing therapy?

WDx

[wendydarling]

Hello Brava Mama  

How are you coping and how is your daughter, 18th birthday?

Many parents here are in similar situations as you, with young adults reaching out for independence as our young ones do, doing their best to keep up with their peers. Interested to hear from other parents dealing with the expectation of financial support away from home like you where they are not yet ready to accept, understand their disorder, commit to treatment.

Small gentle steps BM, work for us  

WDx

[livednlearned]

Hi Brave Mama,

I wanted to join wendydarling in reaching out to see how you're doing.

Last week I was at a NAMI meeting and there was a family with almost an identical story. They made sure that their daughter knew she was always welcome to come home, that they would not ask questions or judge her, and that they loved her.

They did have a limit that she could not smoke pot in the house (or self-harm) -- everywhere else was her business, that was her decision. And they allowed her to keep her car but she had to pay for gas and if anything happened to the car, she had to pay for parking tickets, repairs, etc. If she lived at home, they would provide assistance to keep the car running.

Has your daughter stayed in touch with you?

Please let us know how you're doing when you have a chance.

People here really do care.

LnL
 

[1hope]

Hi Brave mama,
We are in a similar position.  Our 18 year old BPD daughter suddenly moved out in September.   We had no warning, just found out one day when we came home from work and she was gone.  She had been going to therapy, and taking meds (but we had to administer them each day).  We think she left so she could have more control of her life, and everyone in her peer group was going away to school.  She is taking courses in a bridge program which gives her both high school and college credits. 
Just this week she had a setback.  We have found out that she hasn't been taking meds, and was suicidal.  She had a hospital stay.  The root was that she hasn't been paying her bills (rent, phone, internet).  Now we have to step in and help her find her way out.  This is her pattern... .she paints herself into a corner, then doesn't see a way out.  It's a delicate balance with her.  Our therapist (who has helped our whole family) has stressed that we can't change her choice, but it is very important that she is successful.  We are struggling with what that means for us going forward, but are choosing to help her start to learn to budget.  We will take her shopping for the next while, and will give her a budgeted amount, and show her how to make that work.  At this point we're looking at it as a gradual release. 
Hoping that things will get better for you.  Believe me, we all know how tough this is!  Keep writing... .it helps!

[Brave Momma]

Hi All,

Thanks for your kind messages and compassion.  I have been communicating with my daughter and she did come home and spend her birthday with us and also ran a 5 K that she does every year for a friend who lost her husband to cancer a few years ago; the race was at 8:30 in the morning and was shocked that she was ready to go when I went to pick her up.  It is so awkward to pick her up at this apt. complex and then take her back there, but is better than not seeing her at all.  Come to find out, the guy that she is living with is on house arrest (for a fight supposedly), might be drugs and she is not telling me or he is lying to her... .  He also has 2 room mates whom are both male, so basically she is living with 3 men.  AND they have no furniture and are sleeping on the floor.  It just confuses me why she chooses to live this way but I guess she feels she has control and none of our rules, so is worth it to her.

She has been communicating in small ways with very short answers and I am texting her every day to check in.  Wondering if I should back off and give her space?  This is all so foreign to me and goes against my maternal instinct.  I asked if it was ok if I came to see her at work today; her reply was, "I don't know", then "if you want to".  Our therapist has described it as two magnets turned the opposite way with me "chasing" our daughter and need to wait for her to turn around so the magnets can connect... . 

Any suggestions?  ugh, this is painful.  She has been gone about 5 weeks now and we have not told a lot of our family who lives out of town hoping she will come back, but think the longer she is gone, the harder it will be for her to come home and follow any rules.  She wants to pay for the car monthly but we are doing that at this point because I don't think she will pay for it, but wondering if we should let her try.

Thanks all for listening!  I'm open to ANY suggestions :-)
 1 hope - I hope that your daughter is doing better and is she back at home?

[Brave Momma]

Oh and no she is not continuing therapy, although her therapist has reached out to her and I told her I would take her if she needed a ride.

And not taking any of her meds which she says were not working... .

Taking mostly meds for anxiety and depression.  Saying she feels great... .I'm sure she is self medicating.

Thanks again group,
Brave Momma

so few people to talk to about this, even my husband is getting tired of talking about it, thinks we need to just get on with our life... .easier said than done but I'm trying.