asking my BPD daughter questions

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 18 yo daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD.  Now that we know this, we can easily see this has been an issue for several years.  One thing that has been difficult, is asking her questions when she is getting ready to go out somewhere.  She offers next to zero details, so we usually ask where she is going, who she will be with... .  if we do not know the person/people, we'll usually ask for some more info.  We are trying to ask in a way that she knows we are wanting to make sure she will be in a "safe" environment, and not one that will cause anxiety (like if it's a party with a lot of people she does not know).  Often though, she reacts with anger, or as if we have no right to ask (this has been the case for a few years).  We understand that the fact that she is now 18 makes this even more of a touchy area.
Any advice you could give would be wonderful!

[4of5]

My 18 yo daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD.  Now that we know this, we can easily see this has been an issue for several years.  One thing that has been difficult, is asking her questions when she is getting ready to go out somewhere.  She offers next to zero details, so we usually ask where she is going, who she will be with... .  if we do not know the person/people, we'll usually ask for some more info.  We are trying to ask in a way that she knows we are wanting to make sure she will be in a "safe" environment, and not one that will cause anxiety (like if it's a party with a lot of people she does not know).  Often though, she reacts with anger, or as if we have no right to ask (this has been the case for a few years).  We understand that the fact that she is now 18 makes this even more of a touchy area.
Any advice you could give would be wonderful!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello 4of5

Welcome to bpdfamily  

Your 18 yr old daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD, how has she received this news? And you as parents? What behaviours are you dealing with can help parents support you.

My DD was diagnosed at 26. We live in a capital city. I set very simple guidelines when she was a teenager and she follows through to this day.

Trust and respect...

1) keep with your friends, never leave them, look out for them
2) if you decide late on to stay with friends, please text me to let me know you are safe anytime of day and night

I handed responsibility to her and she's always responded. Yes she's had some scrapes, we all do, she shared later.

Can you share with us her friendship groups 4of5, at 18 my DD reached out and made amazing lifelong friendships, many  people who helped her through crisis and treatment, with me.

WDx

[4of5]

DD seems fine with the diagnosis, now.  She spent a week in an in-patient facility, after an OD (she does not use drugs, this was done in a depressed state), then went to an out-patient program.  She was in a full day program for 2 weeks, and is just moving to a half-day, 3 day/week program. They did a genetics test at the outpatient place, and used that to choose a better anti-depressant.  It seems to be working.   You asked about her friend group.  She has 2 groups, one from the program (even though they are not supposed to be texting or hanging out, they all seem to do this), and the ones she has outside of there.  These friends all seem fine with drinking/smoking/vaping/smoking marijuana... .  all of which I have issue with.  Her friends from the program do not seem too keen on following program rules, and the ones she has befriended still have some serious issues.  I worry they are more interested in just getting through the program and getting out, then actually trying to get help.  I do not know how much they actually encourage each other to get better.  I think my dd is the only one with BPD.  I think the others have drinking/drugs type issues.  So, all in all, none of her friends really appear to be interested in their own health, so I doubt they'll be too concerned with hers.  So, I do tend to get overprotective.  It has been this way for a while... .my trying to keep her safe and limit her chances to make these poor decisions.  Before we knew about the BPD, we thought it was just a matter of no self-control.  Now that we know about the BPD, it certainly helps explain some of her actions, but doesn't help me help her to not make the impulsive bad ones :D

[Feeling Better]

Hello 4of5

I’m so sorry to hear of what has brought you here.

I set very simple guidelines when she was a teenager and she follows through to this day.

Trust and respect...

1) keep with your friends, never leave them, look out for them
2) if you decide late on to stay with friends, please text me to let me know you are safe anytime of day and night

I handed responsibility to her and she's always responded. Yes she's had some scrapes, we all do, she shared later.

I think wendydarling’s guidelines are brilliant, simple but effective.

You say that one of your difficulties is when asking your daughter questions when she is going out, do you think it seems as though she resents you asking?
Maybe rather than asking her questions you could try communicating boundaries with her instead, wendydarling’s (2) in her reply is, I think, a really good boundary.

You have been a wonderful mother to your daughter, keeping her safe and looking out for her and understandably you want to help her as much as you can. Sometimes the best way to help is to just take a step back and let her learn from her own mistakes, not an easy option I know.

Keep posting 4of5 and let us know how things are going x  

[wendydarling]

Hi 4of5

It sounds like your daughter is doing all the right things to help herself, she accepts the diagnosis and is attending treatment, how she is engaging time will tell, it took me quite a while to recognise my DD was benefitting from treatment as there were so many issues at hand. It's encouraging to hear the anti-depressant seems to be working, my DD tried a few before finding the right medication, it really made a difference. Getting on top of the depression first then allowed her overtime to address the many other issues. 4of5, I'm wondering what programme your daughter is attending, you say you think she's the only one with BPD, my DD started with attending a drug and alcohol rehabilitation service, then 14 months of weekly DBT after spending time on a long waiting list. I do understand you are worried your daughter maybe influenced by others and you want to protect her. We have to hope they make the right choices including doing the work in treatment, learning skills and tools how to manage impulse control and other symptoms. You mention anxiety is your daughter on medication?

Is your daughter at school?

WDx

[4of5]

Thank you all for the input. 

Right now, my dd is on two medications, an antidepressant, and another one that is supposed to help with impulse actions, like cutting herself.

I have another issue, that hopefully will not get lost here... .  but she really does not want to be home.  I am not sure if it's because she is afraid of being alone in her room (which is what she has chosen to do for a very long time... .  hard to get her to engage with the rest of the family), or if it is relational.  As far as I know, there is not, and has not ever been, any actual home "issue".  No abuse.  Her dad is fine... .  nothing that I can pinpoint as a reason why she wouldn't want to be here. I don't know if this is a part of the BPD, or just a part of her being 18 and wanting to just be doing what she wants to do :D   

btw, she is my 4th child, hence the name 4of5. :D  She has definitely always been independent and known exactly what she wants, and typically, has done exactly what she wants w/o much concern for others.  This has been her since she could walk!  Can't blame the BPD on all that!

Thanks again!

[Feeling Better]

Hi 4of5

You say that your daughter really does not want to be home, do you mean as in she’s always out and is reluctant to come home, or that she wants to move out?

We felt a lot of the time that our son just didn’t want to be with us. He left home at 18 to go to university and since then he’s spent his life working and traveling. When he first went off traveling we thought it would be a great adventure for him, that he would ‘get it out of his system’ before he decided to settle down. How wrong we were. He said that he was traveling to see new places, meet new people, but we always thought that he seemed as though he was running away. He’s still doing it now, I think it’s when he can’t cope with what’s going on in his head, he blames us for all his problems, and the only way he can deal with it is to take himself away. I don’t know whether what I’ve written will be helpful to you in your situation with your daughter. You are obviously concerned about this type of behaviour so I am guessing that it is different to the behaviour of her older siblings when they were 18.