Trying to recover from apparent BPD ex breakup.

[Trex01]

I would like to start by stating my Ex has not been formally diagnosed with BPD. It was suggested as an option by my therapist. In reviewing the traits here is what she has exhibited:

Excessive spending
Previous drug addiction.as well as a current marijuana dependence.
History of volatile relationships
Self harm Punching herself ramming head into wall.
Threats of suicide
The latter two statements would happen if I attempted to discuss topics that should be able to be discussed rationally such as cleaning the house, money, children.

Our relationship started quickly and moved quickly and mirrors the story in the BPD breakup coping article in this site. She appeared to always be a victim of others in her passed relationships and I wanted to help her with the kids.

We were together about 19 months. We had begun talking about marriage after about 8-10 months. During that time the first violent episode and threat of suicide occurred. When I told her I could not marry someone that acted that way she stated back to me a couple of days later “you don’t want to marry me”.

I get free therapy via my work and I suggested therapy for us and she refused. Things would get better for a couple of months the more blowups.

Over time I turned to alcohol as well as sex with her to cope. In the end she left and blamed me because of the alcohol. I was never physically abusive, but I would say to her when under the influence that she did not love me and did not care for me. When she left completely blamed me and I took it on.

I have fallen into all of the feelings described in the article. Sever depression and anxiety. I am taking meds and doing counseling, but I am having a hard time with ruminating and the what if’s.

I do understand about the codependency and feel as if earlier in in the relationship I was able to hold my boundaries better until the times she would threaten suicide. I would be left with her children from two previous relationships trying to decide whether or not to call the police. I was caught between if I called the police she could lose her children, but if she did kill herself how could I live with the guilt.

I try the best I can not to have contact with her, but I fail. I miss the children and her. She still will play the victim in every contact.

Most people don’t understand. Only the therapist. At time I wonder if I am just trying to excuse my behavior by considering BPD.

[arjay]

Your post mirrors many here and I also understand the "pain of the breakup".  Mine happened years ago and ironically during this time of year.  She divorced me and left, and in spite of all the chaos, I wanted her to stay.  

During the relationship, each of us tried our best to cope; sometimes in a more healthy way and sometimes to "escape" via alcohol and drugs.  It's a self-medicating approach to escape, ironically something my "ex" did as well, to deal with BPD.  Rather than being a clear "warning sign" that we can no longer cope and should leave, "self medicating" can become the norm and take us in a destructive long-term-direction that will live on, even after relationship has ended.

Though there is much written about BPD behavior and it does help with our understanding, like you I questioned how much of the dysfunction was because of "me".  None of us are perfect, so it is easy to "accept blame" where maybe we shouldn't, but a result of our own internal unresolved issues, that pre-dated our relationship with a BPD.

Something you said resonated with me because I had found myself doing the same:

..."She appeared to always be a victim of others in her passed relationships and I wanted to help her with the kids..."

The "I wanted to help" was me, formally called the "rescuer".  I listened to her sad story and felt I could make her life better; illeviate her problems and (unconsciously in return), be respected; loved and cherished.  That is the "rescuing scenario", and it usually ends up bad for two reasons:

• Uphappy/emotionally unhealthy people often search for a rescuer, expecting that person to make them happy.  The "rescuer" feels sympathy and wants to help, instead of questioning why this person is chronically unhappy and always blaming others. The rescuer is inevitably blamed for not "living up" to the expectations of the "rescuee"
• The rescuer then not only sees the effort as a failure, but it can actually be self-reinforcing that as an individual, they cannot find love.  One ends-up with an even greater sense of not being of much value, as we unconsciously seek this "value" from others instead of inherintly valuing ourselves

Now consider being a "rescuer type" in a relationship with an emotionally disordered person.  The damage is intensified because of the inherint nature of these types of relationships.  Yes I was in a very bad place when she first left.  Besides not understanding her (I didn't know about BPD until after the divorce), emotionally I felt I failed again; that it was simply another example of not being a valued person.  Between nearly total loss of "self worth", I suffered from essentially PTSD; was isolated from siblings/family/friends (because of the relationship), and found myself alone suffering emotionally and physically.

It is a slow process to recover from these types of relationships, even when we are reasonably emotionally healthy.  Having our own issues can lenghten this process and it typically requires professional help, self-work and time.  I realized I needed help and took the time to really work on "me" and my core issues.  It is easy to blame them for what is obviously dysfunctional behavior.  It is harder to look at one-self and understand our motivations, of which can be unhealthy and causing our own grief.

I wish I could say tomorrow you will wake up "all better", but I can say in my case, by immersing myself in the posts here and the described experience of others, it helped illeviate a lot of my pain, and really helped with my recovery (together with extended counseling).  I knew nothing about BPD until after a 7-year relationship and her leaving.  While in the early stages of my own grief, I found this site and it was blessing.

Keep posting and reading.  It really does help.

All the Best

[Trex01]

Thank you! Like you I have completely lost myself. I was moving about the time we started dating and moved near her. She moved in more or less immediately with the children. Never really made friends here and have isolated. We live in a relatively small town. I have lost 50lbs in 3 months.

I

[arjay]

Thank you! Like you I have completely lost myself. I was moving about the time we started dating and moved near her. She moved in more or less immediately with the children. Never really made friends here and have isolated. We live in a relatively small town. I have lost 50lbs in 3 months.

Yeah losing that much weight over all that has happened is not good.  What really-really helped me with my recovery (yes it is a recovery):

• Rescuers like to "rescue", so I volunteered at a "horse-rescue" facility.  Being around animals can be very therapeutic in helping during the recovery process
• I actually learned to overcome my rescuing tendency, because horses don't care nor show appreciation when you clean their stalls.  Rescuing was replaced with "giving" with the expectation of receiving nothing in return.  At a larger horse facility, I had become "part of the herd" and learned the language of horses.  So many things in my personal life I was able re-frame, because of it.

You might consider researching, to see if there is an animal shelter in your area that needs volunteers.  Horses gave back to me in ways I never expected.  Animals in general can do that.

All the Best