The shifting sands of BPD identity

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

As I sit here this morning feeling a lot better about where I am, I am looking back at my exBPD's incredibly elusive identity.  While I do think there was some substance to who he was, a lot of what he told me amounted to stream-of-consciousness thoughts that reflected a snapshot of his emotions at the moment.  I usually made excuses for him or tried to explain it away, or a couple times, I dared confront him about it.  We were together less than four months.  How many times must he have contradicted himself?

-One day terrified of BDSM, another day invited me to "violate" him and told me he wanted to be submissive.

-Hated sweets.  Except cookies, candy, pie, gummy worms, etc.

-Hated anything with nuts in it.  Except Snickers is his favorite candy bar.

-Terrified of eating raw meat.  Ordered sushi the next time we went to a restaurant.

-Went on vacation without me when he could have brought me along, then talked about how much better it would have been with me there.

-Skipped one of my events to go somewhere he wanted to go, and told me he wished he were at my event. 

-Said he liked causing me physical pleasure, but generally avoided actually doing it.

-Got mortally offended if someone suggested he change his appearance, but privately he talked about making the same changes himself.

-Promised me he would never dump me, and did it the next day.

-Said that he enjoyed getting up and going to work, but would take random days off for no apparent reason.

-Complained about money being tight, but turned down or quit two jobs in the recent past.

-Hated his ex with a fiery passion, but defended her if I dared criticize her.

-Wanted to do things together, but wanted to "win" by having more life experiences than I did.

-Opinion on children and having children tended to vary by the day, if not the moment.

There are so many, many more . . .

I'm waiting for

-Told me our relationship was done, but . . .

It is like the person he was, was whatever came out of his mouth at the moment.  No wonder I felt like I was going crazy in this relationship!  My brain was melting as I tried to reconcile all of this into a consistent portrait of a man.

Any other interesting BPD self-contradictory behavior you have experienced?

[GreenEyedMonster]

As I sit here this morning feeling a lot better about where I am, I am looking back at my exBPD's incredibly elusive identity.  While I do think there was some substance to who he was, a lot of what he told me amounted to stream-of-consciousness thoughts that reflected a snapshot of his emotions at the moment.  I usually made excuses for him or tried to explain it away, or a couple times, I dared confront him about it.  We were together less than four months.  How many times must he have contradicted himself?

-One day terrified of BDSM, another day invited me to "violate" him and told me he wanted to be submissive.

-Hated sweets.  Except cookies, candy, pie, gummy worms, etc.

-Hated anything with nuts in it.  Except Snickers is his favorite candy bar.

-Terrified of eating raw meat.  Ordered sushi the next time we went to a restaurant.

-Went on vacation without me when he could have brought me along, then talked about how much better it would have been with me there.

-Skipped one of my events to go somewhere he wanted to go, and told me he wished he were at my event. 

-Said he liked causing me physical pleasure, but generally avoided actually doing it.

-Got mortally offended if someone suggested he change his appearance, but privately he talked about making the same changes himself.

-Promised me he would never dump me, and did it the next day.

-Said that he enjoyed getting up and going to work, but would take random days off for no apparent reason.

-Complained about money being tight, but turned down or quit two jobs in the recent past.

-Hated his ex with a fiery passion, but defended her if I dared criticize her.

-Wanted to do things together, but wanted to "win" by having more life experiences than I did.

-Opinion on children and having children tended to vary by the day, if not the moment.

There are so many, many more . . .

I'm waiting for

-Told me our relationship was done, but . . .

It is like the person he was, was whatever came out of his mouth at the moment.  No wonder I felt like I was going crazy in this relationship!  My brain was melting as I tried to reconcile all of this into a consistent portrait of a man.

Any other interesting BPD self-contradictory behavior you have experienced?

[Pretty Woman]

The only thing consistant about a person with BPD is their inconsistancy.

[rotiroti]

The only thing consistant about a person with BPD is their inconsistancy.

Thread closed!

[GreenGrover]

Definitely agree with Pretty Woman on this one.   

But yes, my exbffBPD contradicted herself all the time.

Told me she doesn't make long-term plans.  Later, made plans months in advance to move somewhere with her boyfriend (now ex-bf).

Got mad when I went somewhere without her.  Canceled plans that we made.

Said she hated fruit.  Ate fruit I had with me.

Said she hated being outside.  When I mentioned this, she would say that she didn't.

Said she would have sex with one of our co-workers.   Later said she would just make out with him.

Said she hated watching movies.  Asked to watch a movie when she was at my house.

Criticized me for drinking soda.  Asked me to get her a soda.

[Dr56]

Opinion on children and having children tended to vary by the day, if not the moment

Got that all the time. My SO's position on kids changed radically, often within seconds. Not to mention constant back and forth about buying a house vs. renting. Or to and fro-ing about which neighbored to live in.

Spent a whole weekend once, largely at her insistence, making a meticulous travel budget and travel schedule for the forthcoming year - just to have her tear it up in a fit of rage right before she moved out a couple months later. It was her idea to make a travel budget because she felt we spent too much money on travel . . . then she suddenly moved out and spent $2500 on a meditation retreat in Switzerland. Later accused me of trying to prevent her from going on that trip.

[GreenEyedMonster]

The kids thing is the one that freaked me out the most.  I haven't decided if I want kids, so when bfwBPD would all the sudden out of the blue randomly declare that he didn't want any (after saying at the beginning that he was considering it), my own engulfment fears would go through the roof.  I immediately felt like I had to leave the relationship if there were a possibility I wanted kids.  It really messed with my mind.  Whenever I'd back him into a corner, of course he'd mirror me.

I think the other really bad "slot machine" effect was when he'd react to my needs.  One day he'd be very accommodating, wanting me to feel completely comfortable in the relationship.  The next day, if I'd ask for something I needed, he might say, "No, that's stupid, I'm not going to do that."