This is How it All Ended

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

A couple of weeks back the GF and I were ending the relationship. Despite my attempt to try and make things work she decided it would be best to simply break up. The ambiguity of the situation was that we were friends but we were trying to work things out.

It's difficult to work on a romantic relationship when you no longer are in it.

Two weeks later (this week) we met again.

The previous day we spoke over the phone and I asked her what she was doing to better our relationship.

She answered "I don't know".

Clear sign that she had no desire to even try to make things work. I asked her if she wanted to make things work at all and again I received the same answer.

Yesterday, I had her come over to take the rest of her belongings as well as recuperate the keys of the house.

When she came in, I could tell she was struggling not to cry but soon enough she burst in tears.

"I didn't expect everything to be in boxes".

I helped her carry them to the car. She took my cat away (only to return it to the association today) and again she burst in tears.

I sat her down on the couch as she wanted to talk.

After two minutes of standing and starring I asked her :"Now what?"

Now we're just friends, although I told her I needed some time alone to heal. She understands and I know she needs her time alone as well.

The reasons of our break up are still unclear as every time I've approached the subject I receive a different answer.

She looked confused. In fact, she admitted feeling confused. She needs time alone to take care of herself and figure things out on her own. Her health issues are going to be her priority. "I promise I'll finish my schooling."

I hope she does, no longer my problem though.

We've always been very open, so I approached the BPD subject (she's been diagnosed by three different people, she knows she suffers from it). I said that both of us had our wrongs in this relationship, but there was also an aspect of it that neither of us had control over.

She agreed and confessed: "It's a real struggle every day."

She will seek therapy she says. I don't think she ever will. She said that in the beginning of our relationship but never went through with it.

"It's hard. It's not like you cheated on me. You're the first one not to ever have. I wish you did so this could be easier"

She got up, and tried to hug me goodbye. I just couldn't hug her.

She walked out and drove off.

We'll grab lunch or dinner together sometime in the future, just to keep in touch and be in each other's lives.

I don't know if that'll ever happen. We were supposed to meet several times in the last two weeks but she called it off every time. I might even be the one to call it off, I don't know.

Hopes to ever get back are mostly annihilated. They are still there though, especially when fear and guilt takes over. Our talk brought some closure, very limited but I suppose it is better than no closure at all.

I'm still hurting and confused. I'm still struggling with the sleep. It's left an emptiness at home and in my heart. I know I shouldn't try to find a reason but I keep trying, especially when I feel down. I have taken on so many activities to fill up my day but so far none of them helps. She's still on my mind 24/7.

How do you completely get rid of the fog? I have read the lessons and haven't really been through the anger phase. I got angry in the first week or so but that barely lasted a few minutes to an hour. I fear that I'll go over all these emotions again and I really don't want to. I'm getting to accept the situation although it is still tough. I'm trying to apply mindfulness whenever I feel down. I just want to get over this!

[AchingHeart]

A couple of weeks back the GF and I were ending the relationship. Despite my attempt to try and make things work she decided it would be best to simply break up. The ambiguity of the situation was that we were friends but we were trying to work things out.

It's difficult to work on a romantic relationship when you no longer are in it.

Two weeks later (this week) we met again.

The previous day we spoke over the phone and I asked her what she was doing to better our relationship.

She answered "I don't know".

Clear sign that she had no desire to even try to make things work. I asked her if she wanted to make things work at all and again I received the same answer.

Yesterday, I had her come over to take the rest of her belongings as well as recuperate the keys of the house.

When she came in, I could tell she was struggling not to cry but soon enough she burst in tears.

"I didn't expect everything to be in boxes".

I helped her carry them to the car. She took my cat away (only to return it to the association today) and again she burst in tears.

I sat her down on the couch as she wanted to talk.

After two minutes of standing and starring I asked her :"Now what?"

Now we're just friends, although I told her I needed some time alone to heal. She understands and I know she needs her time alone as well.

The reasons of our break up are still unclear as every time I've approached the subject I receive a different answer.

She looked confused. In fact, she admitted feeling confused. She needs time alone to take care of herself and figure things out on her own. Her health issues are going to be her priority. "I promise I'll finish my schooling."

I hope she does, no longer my problem though.

We've always been very open, so I approached the BPD subject (she's been diagnosed by three different people, she knows she suffers from it). I said that both of us had our wrongs in this relationship, but there was also an aspect of it that neither of us had control over.

She agreed and confessed: "It's a real struggle every day."

She will seek therapy she says. I don't think she ever will. She said that in the beginning of our relationship but never went through with it.

"It's hard. It's not like you cheated on me. You're the first one not to ever have. I wish you did so this could be easier"

She got up, and tried to hug me goodbye. I just couldn't hug her.

She walked out and drove off.

We'll grab lunch or dinner together sometime in the future, just to keep in touch and be in each other's lives.

I don't know if that'll ever happen. We were supposed to meet several times in the last two weeks but she called it off every time. I might even be the one to call it off, I don't know.

Hopes to ever get back are mostly annihilated. They are still there though, especially when fear and guilt takes over. Our talk brought some closure, very limited but I suppose it is better than no closure at all.

I'm still hurting and confused. I'm still struggling with the sleep. It's left an emptiness at home and in my heart. I know I shouldn't try to find a reason but I keep trying, especially when I feel down. I have taken on so many activities to fill up my day but so far none of them helps. She's still on my mind 24/7.

How do you completely get rid of the fog? I have read the lessons and haven't really been through the anger phase. I got angry in the first week or so but that barely lasted a few minutes to an hour. I fear that I'll go over all these emotions again and I really don't want to. I'm getting to accept the situation although it is still tough. I'm trying to apply mindfulness whenever I feel down. I just want to get over this!

[GuiltHaunted]

"It's hard to breakup with you, because there were no event to cause it and it will be difficult for me to see you move along with another girl".

- Her words as during our breakup conversation. 3 day later I moved out, and while I was away for work 1 of those 3 days, she was on a date with my replacement and declared her love for him (she had been on dates with him before while I was away working, before the breakup). The evening after I had moved out, she was in a new relationship. Prepare yourself for the worst, sorry to be such a pessimist.

[AchingHeart]

I asked her. She's telling me there's no one else in the picture.

She doesn't want to be in a relationship at all. (one of the versions she gave me).

Yes, that would hurt even more.

When I asked if we'll ever be more than friends she said she didn't know.

She doesn't know what she'll want in a few weeks/months from now.

I truly hope she sticks to what she said and doesn't start dating until I'm fully healed.

ugh... .

[Fool for Love]

She looked confused. In fact, she admitted feeling confused. She needs time alone to take care of herself and figure things out on her own. Her health issues are going to be her priority. "I promise I'll finish my schooling."

I hope she does, no longer my problem though.



"It's hard. It's not like you cheated on me. You're the first one not to ever have. I wish you did so this could be easier"

She got up, and tried to hug me goodbye. I just couldn't hug her.

She walked out and drove off.

We'll grab lunch or dinner together sometime in the future, just to keep in touch and be in each other's lives.

How do you completely get rid of the fog?

The last weekend I was with my exgf she wanted to work on us... before the weekend was over she asked me to leave... she needed time to "fix herself" ... that morning when I left... She cried... . said she was going to be lonely ... . That she loved me more than anything... .

2 weeks later she quite her job and moved 3 hrs away from her family to be with her replacement ... that she was already seeing at the same time I didn't know about... If she has been diagnosed with BPD ... . then i would tend to go with what I have read here on the board with so many stories... . Trust your gut ... . distance and think ... . and remember ... you cant "fix" them... good luck and stay strong ...

[Sunny Side]

Very sorry to hear the all-too-familiar story, AchingHeart.  You have my empathy.   First off though -- get your cat back, dammit!

But seriously, though my circumstances were different I completely feel your ache.  My ex had only separated from a 10-year plus marriage with her H in May and he only recently moved out of their house this February.  Though she would always tell me she had no desire to re-enter the dating world and resume "playing the field"-- early in our r/s she revealed to me she had been unfaithful to her H for a good part of their marriage and thought of herself as 'single' -- I always felt that once she became truly "available" to me, i.e. separated, moved out from her H and divorced, that it would be likely that her and my r/s would suddenly become much less ideal.  This was also before I new anything about BPD and F.E.R. (Fascination - Enmeshment - Retribution).

I don't believe she was unfaithful to me during our 14 month r/s and we spent much of our time together or with her kids.  That said I wouldn't be shocked if she had been, especially towards the end.  Early in the r/s (1st 3 months) a disagreement led to NC for a day or two and she said it was her usual pattern after she fell out with an SO to immediately hit the streets and start acting out with other men.  She said however that this was the first time (after our temporary NC) she ever chose not to do that and considered this part of her growth.  This may have also been a ruse.  As you know judging reality vs. lies/mirroring/fantasy/projection is hourly work in a BPD r/s. 

The bottom line is I never fully developed trust in her and in reality this is no grounds for a lasting romantic r/s or a friendship (for me anyway).  Even back then this helped me to understand that the fantasy we were hatching together never really stood a chance against the light of day.  And yet I forged on.

So I would offer to you not to think of it in terms of "is there/was there/will there be somebody else?" but just realize that BPD is a disorder that constantly seeks attachment.  At some point the drive to attach to a new host for survival is as inevitable as the tide.

And while it hurts deeply to think of her being with another person, I think the pain I feel is tied up in something much deeper than that, because again, the reality is that any intimate r/s they choose is doomed to the disorder, and why would that be something that I allow to create pain for me?

How do you completely get rid of the fog? I have read the lessons and haven't really been through the anger phase. I got angry in the first week or so but that barely lasted a few minutes to an hour. I fear that I'll go over all these emotions again and I really don't want to. I'm getting to accept the situation although it is still tough. I'm trying to apply mindfulness whenever I feel down. I just want to get over this!

I'm still in the fog myself and slowly emerging.  I do know that we can't shortcut the process.  Sorry, but no magic bullet exists.   As the charts on the right says "Attachment leads to suffering, detachment leads to freedom" with time as the ultimate arbiter.  Once you realize for yourself exactly what you need (or no longer need) from the r/s then the process to begin healing starts in earnest.