Trusting/ dating again/ questioning myself/ questioning others

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

So I have thrown myself into the whole dating scene again. Online sites and meetup groups.

I waited 2 months after the b/u to start to date.

I gave myself time to learn and self reflect and I did learn so much, maybe too much!

I realized that I am such a different person post BPD ex! I am so much more aware of everything, almost to the point of too much.

I have so many questions to new people that I feel I should just photocopy an interview application.

I am not as trusting to just believing what they say. I'm almost waiting to catch a lie! My ex claimed to never lie, but he was the king of lies.

I'm doubting if I'm ready to date, I don't remember doubting myself in the dating world except when things turned south with my crazy ex.

Is this normal after leaving this type of relationship?

I have no thoughts in my mind about my ex, but I do remember how much he did lie when I started to focus closer attention to it towards the end of our r/s

Normally I would never doubt what people said unless I felt my instinct told me otherwise.

I feel I was so mislead and believed what my BPD ex said, I am totally responsible for that!I don't want this to ever happen again.

I'm just going on dates for now and telling everybody that I'm taking it very slowly.

It's fun and Im having a nice time so far!

I'm almost afraid to relax and let my guard down, which is so not me!

Does BPD change us nons for a little while or is it a permanent thing?

Rifka


I'm guessing these feeling might be okay and healthy and just about better boundaries?

[Rifka]

Hi,

So I have thrown myself into the whole dating scene again. Online sites and meetup groups.

I waited 2 months after the b/u to start to date.

I gave myself time to learn and self reflect and I did learn so much, maybe too much!

I realized that I am such a different person post BPD ex! I am so much more aware of everything, almost to the point of too much.

I have so many questions to new people that I feel I should just photocopy an interview application.

I am not as trusting to just believing what they say. I'm almost waiting to catch a lie! My ex claimed to never lie, but he was the king of lies.

I'm doubting if I'm ready to date, I don't remember doubting myself in the dating world except when things turned south with my crazy ex.

Is this normal after leaving this type of relationship?

I have no thoughts in my mind about my ex, but I do remember how much he did lie when I started to focus closer attention to it towards the end of our r/s

Normally I would never doubt what people said unless I felt my instinct told me otherwise.

I feel I was so mislead and believed what my BPD ex said, I am totally responsible for that!I don't want this to ever happen again.

I'm just going on dates for now and telling everybody that I'm taking it very slowly.

It's fun and Im having a nice time so far!

I'm almost afraid to relax and let my guard down, which is so not me!

Does BPD change us nons for a little while or is it a permanent thing?

Rifka


I'm guessing these feeling might be okay and healthy and just about better boundaries?

[Tiepje3]

Does BPD change us nons for a little while or is it a permanent thing?

I don't think they change us. I think they suppress qualities/behaviour that we have. I remember visiting with family for a week, during a recent bad episode, (without him) and it was so nice to relax and not walk on egg shells and being myself and noticing people still liked me. We had fun together.

I think it us nons who adapt to the situation, so we change our behaviour but that doesn't necessarily mean that we are a different person.

You have to start believing in yourself again and take the time to shrug off this behaviour you have implemented in order to survive.

One day at a time... .

[Caredverymuch]

Hi,

So I have thrown myself into the whole dating scene again. Online sites and meetup groups.

I waited 2 months after the b/u to start to date.

I gave myself time to learn and self reflect and I did learn so much, maybe too much!

I realized that I am such a different person post BPD ex! I am so much more aware of everything, almost to the point of too much.

I have so many questions to new people that I feel I should just photocopy an interview application.

I am not as trusting to just believing what they say. I'm almost waiting to catch a lie! My ex claimed to never lie, but he was the king of lies.

I'm doubting if I'm ready to date, I don't remember doubting myself in the dating world except when things turned south with my crazy ex.

Is this normal after leaving this type of relationship?

I have no thoughts in my mind about my ex, but I do remember how much he did lie when I started to focus closer attention to it towards the end of our r/s

Normally I would never doubt what people said unless I felt my instinct told me otherwise.

I feel I was so mislead and believed what my BPD ex said, I am totally responsible for that!I don't want this to ever happen again.

I'm just going on dates for now and telling everybody that I'm taking it very slowly.

It's fun and Im having a nice time so far!

I'm almost afraid to relax and let my guard down, which is so not me!

Does BPD change us nons for a little while or is it a permanent thing?

Rifka


I'm guessing these feeling might be okay and healthy and just about better boundaries?

Rifka I agree with much you are experiencing moving foreard and I do think it is fairly common reading other threads on the topic .

I am very dismayed that I was entirely snowed by the lying with my expBPD.  Retrospectively, and having been NC for so long, and of course learning of the d/o post abandonment, I feel that so much he expressed to me was a lie. Almost basic things like Id ask where he was when he would text me in the evening and he would say he was at our favorite park or out walking alone thinking of me.  Later,  I would learn he was just in his home?  Why lie about those things?

The few times I actually caught him in a straight lie while still in the r/s, he was again entirely convincing in denying the action.  I once passed him on his motorcycle after he had gone to great length hours earlier to construct a large lie about this plans for the day and why he couldn't spend time w me.    He didn't see me.  The next day we talked about how we each had spent our weekend. After he lied, I told him I had seen him out on his bike. With his then ex who he since returned to.  He maintained his lie that it wasn't him. Etc etc. Very convincingly.  If I had not actually SEEN him I would have no knowledge he was lying.  He was that polished straight faced lying.  And i sat there thinking this man is lying to my face.  Once he couldn't deny the lie further, he of course projected.  That I was lying about how I spent my w/ end.  That I was out w another man?

So much is clear being out of the horrific BPD FOG.

I really struggle with this aspect moving forward  as you do.

BPDs really want your vulnerabilities and boundaries wide open to them.  And they exploit them in resultant behaviors.

My trust factor and red flags with new men are on overdrive and I question a great deal and hold much tighter boundaries.  I sincerely doubt I will ever allow myself to be vulnerable with anyone again. Which in some ways is sad bc being safely vulnerable in a committed r/s and  open to who you are and trusting the same of your partner, really is intimacy.

[Blimblam]

Do they have the ability to change us?

Yes,  it depends on how traumatized you were by the rs. I'm these relationships we can experience the highest of highs and durring devaluation the tactics they employ are similiar if not identical to brainwashing except they don't put the pieces back together at the end. This process can potentially leave people permanently broken or driven to drug alcohal addiction even suicide.

Are your ready to date?

Maybe. Although if you desire validation if it is acceptable or you should I'm leaning towards no. In my personal opinion I think if you need outside validation on this matter it is a reflection of underlying issues concerning self validation which may possibly lead to codependent relationships. On the other hand casual dating may be a really healthy experience to guage where is you stand in yourself. Ultimately only you can know the answer to this.

[mywifecrazy]

Hi,

So I have thrown myself into the whole dating scene again. Online sites and meetup groups.

I waited 2 months after the b/u to start to date.

How long was your relationship? If there was any length to it you might find 2 months is too soon. I tried dating last year at 4 months and it was rough as my emotions were still raw from breakup. But then again I was married for 18yrs. I'm now 16 months post breakup and just starting to feel better about dating.

I have so many questions to new people that I feel I should just photocopy an interview application.

This made me LMAO... .That's exactly how I feel. When I'm on a date I feel like I should be writing down the answers to my questions so I can analyze them. It's funny because on some of the dates I can see the other person doing the same thing 

I am not as trusting to just believing what they say. I'm almost waiting to catch a lie! My ex claimed to never lie, but he was the king of lies.

Yes my senses are heightened and when I suspect a    It's like... ."Check Please"... .Date is over!

I'm doubting if I'm ready to date, I don't remember doubting myself in the dating world except when things turned south with my crazy ex.

Again I know exactly how you feel. The one positive for me is that I don't feel the pressure to FIND THE ONE for me. I was married and have kids. Been there done that. I don't need to find someone before it's too late like when I was in my late 20's. I have the mindset that if I'm meant to be in another long term committed relationship it will happen. If not I will be happy just the same meeting women and getting to know them on a friendly basis. No pressure makes dating easier and more enjoyable!

Normally I would never doubt what people said unless I felt my instinct told me otherwise.

That's what made me a perfect target for my uBPDxw when I first met her. I was naive and immature, I took people at their words and never thought someone was capable of such lies and manipulation at the expense of others. Now I know better!

I'm just going on dates for now and telling everybody that I'm taking it very slowly.

It's fun and Im having a nice time so far!

Perfect way to go moving forward.

Good Luck... .MWC

[Rifka]

Thanks for the responses.

We were ( I use the term loosely) in the relationship 8 intense months. He basically lived here. We were together 7 nights a week, unless there was a fight. ( about nothing real!)

I will be 52 this month. I am totally fine being single and being with myself. I like me!

If I find a companion, that would be nice,

I also don't mind doing things by myself.

I traveled to India, Greece, Spain and many other places alone from the U.S.

I'm not doubting if I'm ready to date in the dating sense, but I don't like feeling on guard, like a wall of protection is up.

My heart is totally on lockdown for a very long time.

Glad to hear that what I'm feeling is the same for some others, not that I would want anybody to actually feel it.

I just really want to know that I won't meet another BPD without running like hell immediately!

It's like a red flag radar alarm has been imbedded in my head. It makes me feel like I have changed and taken the free spirit me that I loved about myself and replaced it with extreme cautiousiousness.

I know it's probably good because the knowledge of what this is has made me look differently at how accepting I choose to be with others bad behavior that could negatively affect me.

It has crossed into family and friends as well.

I say no a lot more now! I use to rearrange my schedule to help everybody, now I just say sorry I can't help you this time! It's empowering. When I can, I can, when I can't, I can't!

One day at a time! Or one date at a time.

[darkstar]

Thanks for the responses.



I'm not doubting if I'm ready to date in the dating sense, but I don't like feeling on guard, like a wall of protection is up.

My heart is totally on lockdown for a very long time.

Glad to hear that what I'm feeling is the same for some others, not that I would want anybody to actually feel it.

I just really want to know that I won't meet another BPD without running like hell immediately!

It's like a red flag radar alarm has been imbedded in my head. It makes me feel like I have changed and taken the free spirit me that I loved about myself and replaced it with extreme cautiousiousness.

I feel you Rifka, first wanted to start a new topic but then I saw your posting and hope its o.k. I participate in this thread.

I am out 3 years now with my ex, was dating a few times but I have the same kind of "problems" like you. I am 37 and sometimes I admit I feel very alone, but at the same time I became super suspicious and somewhat "paranoid" that people "use" me or just fake their interest.

I also did the mistake and get attached to people the last 3 years who are somewhat unavailable... like to far away or far to young.

I think what you wrote is very true. I strongly believe that it is pure fear to get hurt this much again, on a traumatizing level. I noticed that expect for my old friends and family I don't trust people anymore so easily...

Positive thing is that I really don't jump into any relationship anymore just because someone is nice to me... .that was a huge problem in the past and perfect food for BPDs. So ya I learned to say no, but still think I do it too often and turned into a kind of loner... .

I became somehow "lazy" to spend energy into a "new" person. I know its not fair probably towards others but its the brutal truth towards myself.

[Rifka]

Thanks for the responses.



I'm not doubting if I'm ready to date in the dating sense, but I don't like feeling on guard, like a wall of protection is up.

My heart is totally on lockdown for a very long time.

Glad to hear that what I'm feeling is the same for some others, not that I would want anybody to actually feel it.

I just really want to know that I won't meet another BPD without running like hell immediately!

It's like a red flag radar alarm has been imbedded in my head. It makes me feel like I have changed and taken the free spirit me that I loved about myself and replaced it with extreme cautiousiousness.

I feel you Rifka, first wanted to start a new topic but then I saw your posting and hope its o.k. I participate in this thread.

I am out 3 years now with my ex, was dating a few times but I have the same kind of "problems" like you. I am 37 and sometimes I admit I feel very alone, but at the same time I became super suspicious and somewhat "paranoid" that people "use" me or just fake their interest.

I also did the mistake and get attached to people the last 3 years who are somewhat unavailable... like to far away or far to young.

I think what you wrote is very true. I strongly believe that it is pure fear to get hurt this much again, on a traumatizing level. I noticed that expect for my old friends and family I don't trust people anymore so easily...

Positive thing is that I really don't jump into any relationship anymore just because someone is nice to me... .that was a huge problem in the past and perfect food for BPDs. So ya I learned to say no, but still think I do it too often and turned into a kind of loner... .

I became somehow "lazy" to spend energy into a "new" person. I know its not fair probably towards others but its the brutal truth towards myself.

Of course join in, that's what the threads are for.

Three years, how long were you together?

I'm only out 2 months. The last contact from him Aug 23, about a month and a half.

This is my first experience in my life with BPD. It has been an incredible journey in self reflection and learning. I know it happened and lasted as long as it did because I allowed it. Which is why now, the lessons are being enforced as are conscience boundaries that are very guarded.

I am very social and run social parties every week. I'm not a loner at all.

Yes trusting people are who they appear to be has become non existent since the b/u.

I guess it comes with the territory. It's been a heart wrenching traumatic experience being in the relationship.

It's been emotional, educational, and freeing being out of it. All of my pains I felt from my body because of the stressful relationship have gone away. It's wonderful.



So for me, Cautious yes/ not paranoid.

Not at all wondering what they want from me, more about what they have to bring to the table themselves.

My ex offered so little of him, i just couldn't see it. My awareness of everything around me is so much sharper and clearer.