Hi Bassmaster2020,
As odd as it may sound, I think you deserve kudos for framing the challenge as "I get drawn in" (versus "she always draws me in"). What I'm reading there is you're taking responsibility for what's under your control -- your tendency to "take the bait" sometimes.
The nice corollary to that is that while we can't control other people or what they do, we can control ourselves and be choicemakers in our own lives. I hear you wanting a better way forward and through those situations that start out as a generally normal couples' conflict and explode into BPD dysfunction.
I appreciate you walking us through the kitchen conflict. We can think of it as "reviewing game tape", where sure, the game didn't go how we wanted it to, but we're reviewing and learning so we can make changes in the next game. Not about "who did it wrong" or beating ourselves up, more about: OK, this wasn't effective, so next time I'll do XYZ instead of ABC.
The pivot point that stood out to me was here:
Staying on schedule would be a bit tight, but doable so I thought it would be enjoyable for us both to potter in the kitchen together for a short while.
She started dragging things out (I think intentionally but she was happy), but as time went on I started feel under pressure to.leave .
She picked up on this.
Which is when she started to shift.
I reminded her of all the things I needed to do.
Long story short the day turned into a massive argument.
I think tina7868 had some good insight that could be applied in moments like that.
Your GF will mostly be concerned with her own feelings and if she's feeling OK. It is difficult for her to shift momentarily to have the empathy that Bassmaster2020 doesn't really want to go but has to. That isn't important to her. What's important is that in that moment -- no matter how she's felt in the past or may feel in the future -- she feels like she's being abandoned (even though in reality she isn't) and that might come out as "I'm never important enough to you, you always want to go off and do what you want and leave me" etc.
Pairing a boundary with validation, like tina7868 suggested, could be a better alternative than the didactic "reminder of the facts". It doesn't matter to her how much you have to do (fact) or your time crunch (fact), what matters is if she feels like you care about how she feels. And like you said, you love her and you're here working on new ways to communicate and connect.
So, instead of "babe, don't forget that I have a ton of stuff I have to do" (which a generally normal partner could cope with but to a pwBPD may feel invalidating), stating a boundary "I have to go at 12:30" followed by validation "I hate having to leave us, too" and then some info "Looking forward to seeing you at 4pm so we can keep hanging out" may be less-escalating approach.
That's kind of the detail part.
In terms of this:
I'm guessing what I'm struggling with is validating without accepting blame.
How do you stay calm and remain not be provoked when attacked?
I find myself in moment for me it's easier said than done.
Again, I'm seeing it as emotional validation plus boundaries.
True validation is not about accepting blame! It's not placating her, agreeing with her interpretation of the facts, trying to be positive, apologizing for stuff you didn't do, or you feeling not provoked inside.
It's about finding the feelings behind her words (however poorly expressed) and validating those feelings.
So if she throws something at you like "You always leave me! You never want to spend time with me!", sure, you're allowed to feel provoked inside. You're allowed to feel whatever feelings come up, just like she is. What you can do, though, is even though you feel provoked, you can make a move towards deescalation by identifying and validating the feelings she's expressing:
"It would suck to feel like I didn't want to spend time with you." Or, "Wow, that might hurt, I'd feel alone." Or, "I wouldn't want you to leave me, either". Or, "I'd want to feel like you wanted to spend time with me, too".
Something where with your words and your body language/tone, you can genuinely mean what you communicate to her, and it's communicating that you captured the feelings going on for her.
I'd steer away from statements like "I understand you feel furious": (a), when it starts with "I understand", sometimes it comes across as more about us and our understanding than them and their feelings. And (b), don't assume she's feeling something that she hasn't communicated! You could speculate, maybe: "I might feel angry if XYZ", but telling someone else how they feel rarely goes over well.
...
The thing is, too, that validation isn't a magic wand. It's a way to have positive
connection -- not a cure for BPD. When your GF feels heard and like her feelings are understood, yes, that can deescalate things -- a lot. But sometimes she's left the runway and the plane is in the air, so to speak. When that happens, you're allowed to disengage. We all have our limits. If you know that false accusations send you to a place of reactivity, then as soon as you hear one, you might need to have a boundary for
protection.
You don't have to announce or describe your boundary to her, and if it's a real boundary, it won't require her to agree or cooperate. It could be something like: "When I hear false accusations, I leave the room/area and take a break". This can be protective of both of you and of the relationship. It isn't good for her or the relationship for her to falsely accuse you. It isn't good for you to hear that from your GF. When you aren't around -- you don't hear it and don't sustain the damage.
