Am I crazy?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hey! So I'm new here. But I'm desperately trying to find help and understanding. I'm a 25 year old female and grew up with a BPD mother. My experience was pretty typical to others with severe emotional abuse, threats, finding her attempting suicide, being severely punished for not texting the right person or something just as insignificant, moving out of the house multiple times a year requested by therapists, and then finally she was hospitalized when I was 15 and my dad got custody of all of us kids. Things were rough for years after that. I suffered with night terrors, nightmares, flashbacks, social issues, and trust issues. I was originally a very social and fun kid. I was on all sports teams, choir, drama, and student body vice president. After my mother left, I lost all desire to connect and socialize with others. I lost most of my friends and tried to just survive the aftermath of what I had just faced. I then realized I was attracted to women. Which is another issue in and of itself for me because of my religious beliefs. (I don't judge others for their choices or beliefs) but I became really close to a best friend. It's almost like she filled many aspects for me in my life. Not only was there attraction but I think it was exacerbated because of the safety and nurture I felt from her. She was the main reason I was functioning so well for the next years of my life. She wasn't abusive but it was a push pull friendship which I think I liked. Whenever other friends came along, if I knew they liked me as much as I liked them, I would be done within a few months. Fast forward to now, I have not spoken to my mother in ten years, although that hasn't stopped her from trying to ruin everything and get information on me or contact me. I'm moving into this new phase of life with a career in teaching and this new transition has literally almost been the death of me. I have chosen to live a single life for multiple reasons. Not only religious beliefs but also because I would desire that push pull relationship and I would become obsessive and that was literally my source of happiness. I also struggle with obsessive compulsive disorder with intrusive thoughts, along with depression and anxiety. I don't believe that I have borderline and I've asked multiple therapists and they've all said I don't. I would be horrified if I did but would want to get as much help as I can. Anyways, my struggle now seems to be the aftermath of my childhood. I don't think I fully recognized the impact the abuse had on me. Now I'm trying to get a house and move into this new career but it's almost like I'm frozen. I struggle to feel loved and connected to others which of course worsens my ocd but also makes me curious of why I should even move forward. I feel so much pain inside me and cry every day. I feel so alone and as though I don't even know who I am. It's almost like I had to base my identity and happiness off of the women I was involved with but I don't want that to be the case. I just want to be happy and confident in myself and find joy in activities and friendships but it's almost like I coped or masked my trauma with unhealthy relationships with women and now that I've chosen to not be with women, it's like I don't know who I am or how to even live life. On top of that, I feel awful, ugly, and evil on the inside. I'll look in the mirror and be almost shocked at how I look like a normal and okay looking girl because my insides make me think so much differently of myself. I'm sure all of these issues are a combination of problems but I'm just wondering if any of this is standard for those who grew up with an emotionally abusive BPD parent? It's like I never fully processed what happened to me or worked through it and now that I'm not masking it with women, I'm facing a tsunami of terrible symptoms, self-esteem struggles, lack of security or joy, and identity struggles, along with recurring nightmares from childhood, and desires again for isolation. Sorry this is so long. I'm just super struggling and trying to see if anyone can relate to these issues or if I'm misdiagnosing and need to find help in my other struggles. Thanks for reading and for any replies.

[Still breathing]

Hey! So I'm new here. But I'm desperately trying to find help and understanding. I'm a 25 year old female and grew up with a BPD mother. My experience was pretty typical to others with severe emotional abuse, threats, finding her attempting suicide, being severely punished for not texting the right person or something just as insignificant, moving out of the house multiple times a year requested by therapists, and then finally she was hospitalized when I was 15 and my dad got custody of all of us kids. Things were rough for years after that. I suffered with night terrors, nightmares, flashbacks, social issues, and trust issues. I was originally a very social and fun kid. I was on all sports teams, choir, drama, and student body vice president. After my mother left, I lost all desire to connect and socialize with others. I lost most of my friends and tried to just survive the aftermath of what I had just faced. I then realized I was attracted to women. Which is another issue in and of itself for me because of my religious beliefs. (I don't judge others for their choices or beliefs) but I became really close to a best friend. It's almost like she filled many aspects for me in my life. Not only was there attraction but I think it was exacerbated because of the safety and nurture I felt from her. She was the main reason I was functioning so well for the next years of my life. She wasn't abusive but it was a push pull friendship which I think I liked. Whenever other friends came along, if I knew they liked me as much as I liked them, I would be done within a few months. Fast forward to now, I have not spoken to my mother in ten years, although that hasn't stopped her from trying to ruin everything and get information on me or contact me. I'm moving into this new phase of life with a career in teaching and this new transition has literally almost been the death of me. I have chosen to live a single life for multiple reasons. Not only religious beliefs but also because I would desire that push pull relationship and I would become obsessive and that was literally my source of happiness. I also struggle with obsessive compulsive disorder with intrusive thoughts, along with depression and anxiety. I don't believe that I have borderline and I've asked multiple therapists and they've all said I don't. I would be horrified if I did but would want to get as much help as I can. Anyways, my struggle now seems to be the aftermath of my childhood. I don't think I fully recognized the impact the abuse had on me. Now I'm trying to get a house and move into this new career but it's almost like I'm frozen. I struggle to feel loved and connected to others which of course worsens my ocd but also makes me curious of why I should even move forward. I feel so much pain inside me and cry every day. I feel so alone and as though I don't even know who I am. It's almost like I had to base my identity and happiness off of the women I was involved with but I don't want that to be the case. I just want to be happy and confident in myself and find joy in activities and friendships but it's almost like I coped or masked my trauma with unhealthy relationships with women and now that I've chosen to not be with women, it's like I don't know who I am or how to even live life. On top of that, I feel awful, ugly, and evil on the inside. I'll look in the mirror and be almost shocked at how I look like a normal and okay looking girl because my insides make me think so much differently of myself. I'm sure all of these issues are a combination of problems but I'm just wondering if any of this is standard for those who grew up with an emotionally abusive BPD parent? It's like I never fully processed what happened to me or worked through it and now that I'm not masking it with women, I'm facing a tsunami of terrible symptoms, self-esteem struggles, lack of security or joy, and identity struggles, along with recurring nightmares from childhood, and desires again for isolation. Sorry this is so long. I'm just super struggling and trying to see if anyone can relate to these issues or if I'm misdiagnosing and need to find help in my other struggles. Thanks for reading and for any replies.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Still Breathing:
I'm so sorry about what you have been through with your mother. I think you are in the right place. The Board Parrot, Kwamina, says everything leads to the "Coping and Healing Board". Meaning we can't ignore the issues we had with our families of origin (FOO). Working through issues we have had with them, can help us develop healthier relationships with others.

Starting a career and buying a house are two events that can be both exciting and stressful. You mention therapy.  Are you in therapy at the current time, and/or getting some meds to help you?

Many others participating here can relate to what you are going through in varying degrees.  It helps to share with others and gain their support. How are things with your father and siblings? Do you have their support?

The Survivor's Guide in the right hand margin can be worthwhile to check out. What stage do you think you are in, Remembering or Perhaps Mourning?

I think you will find a lot of helpful and supportive people here. Many people find the combination of therapy and interacting here helpful. We would like to see you smiling and not crying. 

[Turkish]

Hi Still breathing,

It's great that you've reached out.  Ib get the sense that you fear you may have BPD traits. Truthfully, I have a couple.  Parents with BPD traits (not to mention those rusting to a clinical level) can be tough on children,  as you and everyone here know.  

I can relate, as can most here, being told we are one thing when we are actually another.  It Mears with how we view ourselves,  maybe even rejecting positive affirmations of others.  

There are great members here who can support you,  many having been where you are now, and we can support you  

Defining what "abuse" means is hard to nail down for Adult Children Of BPD. Emotional abuse leaves scars that aren't easily observed,  mostly by us, yet those scars exist all the same.

As a start, take a look at the survivor's guide on the right margin... .

What kind of contact do you have with your mother at this point?

Turkish

[Still breathing]

Hey naughty nibbler and Turkish,
Thank you for the replies. I'm grateful I was able to find this forum and I hope to get as well as give support and healing from others. As far as contact with my mother, I have none. She tries to email me consistently. I was numbed out to her emails until recently with the stress of my transitioning, I now feel anxiety and anger whenever I see she emailed me. Along with nightmares about her consistently. That's what made me feel and realize that I have been pretty well numbing my past for the last ten years.

As far as the survival guide. I think I've bounced around throughout the last ten years just naturally. But I believe I'm probably in the remembering stage where I'm committed to recover from my childhood abuse. Especially now that I recognize what a huge impact it's really had on my functioning and thought processes.
I have a great relationship with my dad. I have two younger siblings. My brother is pretty much my best friend. My sister is the youngest and also has BPD. That has been tough but easier to deal with because she doesn't rage at me and I just know I can't trust anything she says.

I'm interested to hear any similarities in our stories and healing processes and how you've managed and what's been the best help? I'm starting trauma therapy next week. I've been on two different antidepressants but I'm not sure what works best for this kind of situation. Is it common to feel confused about my identity and to feel so bad about myself years after the abuse occurred? And can those feelings be fixed through therapy or something?

[Turkish]

Therapy can be a great thing,  and I'm saying this being someone who thought the opposite at first.  In some part because my mother once told me that "everyone should be in therapy." Ok... .

My advice is to own it... .not for anyone else, but for you.  Taking ownership of my own healing helped immensely.  It meant what I was doing was for me rather than for someone else. 

You're starting trauma therapy.  What do you see at this point is your core trauma?

T

[Still breathing]

That's what I'm hoping for. I was in therapy for a while regarding my trauma. But we simply just talked about everything that happened. I don't think it really helped change any of my beliefs or thought processes. It just went back over the nightmare I went through.
I believe my core trauma would be my false beliefs and feelings about myself. Including my low-self esteem and feeling like a bad person. I also think a huge consequence of the abuse is my inability to be my own person. And happy with just me. I always have to rely on outside sources for my happiness and my crutch and that's something that I absolutely want changed.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Still Breathing: 

I'm starting trauma therapy next week. I was in therapy for a while regarding my trauma. But we simply just talked about everything that happened. I don't think it really helped change any of my beliefs or thought processes.

Hopefully, you will find trauma therapy helpful.  Sometimes you have to try something new.  Some people find that they have to try a couple of therapists, before they get a good fit.  Even if you find a therapist you like and interact well with them, you may need to move on to try a type of therapy that a particular therapist doesn't specialize in.  Also, some indicate that they had a better fit with a therapist who has a lot of experience with personality disorders. A therapist's experience with BPD can be beneficial for both someone who is dealing with the trauma of having a person with BPD (pwBPD) in their life, or dealing with those who may have BPD or perhaps a few traits of BPD.

The therapist is working for you, so don't be shy about asking for some tools. I asked my therapist for some tools to use to stop worrying.  She recommended I read the book, "The Worry Cure" by Robert Leahy.  I got the Kindle version of the book, and in a subsequent session, I steered the conversation to talking about an exercise in the book.

I've been on two different antidepressants but I'm not sure what works best for this kind of situation. Is it common to feel confused about my identity and to feel so bad about myself years after the abuse occurred? And can those feelings be fixed through therapy or something? 

Many have gained benefit from antidepressants. It can take some effort to get the right mix for you. The antidepresants can't fix everything, but they can help with various issues like depression, anxiety, perhaps OCD symptoms, etc., and set the stage to better resolve some issues.

Everyone's set of circumstances is a bit different.  Some may be dealing with genetics, some might be dealing primarily with environmental cause and others might be dealing with a combination of the two.  Others have posted about identity confusion.  I'm thinking the root cause can vary on that. Have you tried to explore that particular issue in therapy?

As far as contact with my mother, I have none. She tries to email me consistently. I now feel anxiety and anger whenever I see she emailed me.   

Some people block email from certain people and others create a rule to send incoming mail from certain people directly to spam. It could help if you take some measure to not be able to see her emails amoung your regular email.  If you put it in spam, resist and temptation to read her emails.  Don't engage an email feature that automatically shows part of the email content, without opening it.

I also think a huge consequence of the abuse is my inability to be my own person. And happy with just me. I always have to rely on outside sources for my happiness and my crutch and that's something that I absolutely want changed   

I listened to a radio talk show last week, with a relationship therapist.  During one segment, she talked about some happiness studies that claim our happiness is based 50% on genetics, 40% on our intentional activities and 10% due to circumstances.  I acknowledge I wasn't blessed with the 50% genetic advantage, but I can do a lot with the 40% I have control over.

You might be interested in reading a couple of books. "Feeling Good", by David D. Burns, MD is reviewed in the Learning Center, Book Section on this website.  My therapist recommended the The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. I found that I could access some online material to assist with participating in some exercises suggested in The Happiness Trap.

EXERCISES - FROM BOOK" THE HAPPINESS TRAP"
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/free_resources

Let us know how your Trauma Therapy goes next week.  Have you ever done any cognitive-type exercises in your prior therapy?

 

[Still breathing]

Thank you so much for your input and replies Naughty Nibbler. I have spoken to my psychologist about feeling like I don't know who I am and have based it off of everyone else for the last ten years. She has worked with kids of borderline parents before and said this seems to be common. She's the one that is starting trauma work with me next week. So hopefully that helps.
I have not done exercises with cognitive therapy before. Actually... .I may have done one or two. But most of the therapy was just talk therapy. This new lady supposedly specialized in trauma for a year with war veterans so hopefully she can help me with this mess.

[Harri]

Hi Stillbreathing and welcome.

I just want you to know that the way you feel can improve.  Over the years I have had some therapy and did make progress.  I also did a lot of work on my own and posting at this site has helped immensely.  Meds also helped in the past but they were something I did not take seriously.  Recently though, I started trauma therapy and have been consistently taking Prozac and an anti-anxiety med (can't remember the name but it is one you take daily... .not like Xanax).

Things improved for me each time I went to therapy, but this round is different.  It is basically talk therpay but rather than simply re-living the trauma by repeating the stories, I am actually learning to identify and deal with feelings I have closed myself off to for decades.  My flashbacks, nightmares, dissociative episodes and panic attacks have significantly decreased.  I am learning new behaviors and opening up to new ways of viewing myself.

I just wanted to encourage you.  sometimes trauma therapy can be very difficult at first but stick with it as things will turn around for you.  It is totally worth the hard work involved.  I see you as having a huge advantage though.  You have self-awareness and the ability to reflect inward.  It also sounds like you are quite determined to changes things for youself!  Excellent!

Best of luck to you.  keep us posted.