now im out of control

[jq46810]

She exBPD has been gone for 5 weeks now and i haven't heard from her for 3days. Last call she told me it was over, then she said she needed a month to get better and that i should go and do work on me and then said that she had no interest in moving on to another guy and didn't want me to start dating either, she also said that if i loved her i would financially support her.prior to this she was calling pretty much every day abusing me telling me it was all my fault that we got here even though it was she who called the police fabricated a domestic violence situation and had me charged, still no apology.

Anyway my memory of the incedent is starting to ease and i am missing her, it does look like she is trying to move on but i know she wont have any job options as she is stuck in her story to her supporters that she is to traumatised to work, by my calcs money will be out soon too.

I got told by her counciler and friends not to reach out to her even though i want to. I dont wan t to lose her but they've said if she just comes back she wont learn and who knows how bad the next episode will be. Now i dont even know if she will call and NC is doing my head in.  Ive asked her for closure 4 times but each time she has taken it back with lines like above.

I just feel like a spinning top but my depression is increasing and i dont know what to do.

Any ideas guys

[Agent_of_Chaos]

She exBPD has been gone for 5 weeks now and i haven't heard from her for 3days. Last call she told me it was over, then she said she needed a month to get better and that i should go and do work on me and then said that she had no interest in moving on to another guy and didn't want me to start dating either, she also said that if i loved her i would financially support her.prior to this she was calling pretty much every day abusing me telling me it was all my fault that we got here even though it was she who called the police fabricated a domestic violence situation and had me charged, still no apology.

Anyway my memory of the incedent is starting to ease and i am missing her, it does look like she is trying to move on but i know she wont have any job options as she is stuck in her story to her supporters that she is to traumatised to work, by my calcs money will be out soon too.

I got told by her counciler and friends not to reach out to her even though i want to. I dont wan t to lose her but they've said if she just comes back she wont learn and who knows how bad the next episode will be. Now i dont even know if she will call and NC is doing my head in.  Ive asked her for closure 4 times but each time she has taken it back with lines like above.

I just feel like a spinning top but my depression is increasing and i dont know what to do.

Any ideas guys

Idea number one is to take a deep breath, you aren't alone.  Next step is reread your first paragraph.  She is clearly demonstrating a push and pull.  I hate you don't leave me is a good book that will help you understand that a bit clearer.  Her not wanting you to date is her way of saying she doesn't want you to move on so that you can be at her beckon call.  Why should you get to be happy when she will never experience it?  "If you love me you'll support me".  I don't know about you but thats never been my measure of love.  Love has no contingencies.

Regarding the next bolded part... .she's already gone.  I'm sorry because I know this hurts and I hate that you have to feel it.   You have enough on your plate but her counselor is correct.  She's already slapped you with domestic abuse charges. 

Your lady is out of control and you are grieving.  You need to grieve.  NC sends us in a stage of madness.  At least it did for me.  I felt empowered, full of despair, happy, nostalgic.  Hell, I still feel like that sometimes in my healing but, it is the only way to get your head sorted out.  When you constantly tango the world starts to spin and if you are dancing with someone with BPD the disorder will always win.  Always.  You will never get the closure you so desperately seek b/c chances are she can't even explain it herself. 

Even though you are hurting start doing some research.  Familiarize yourself with the disorder.  Read the endless amount of stories on this board.  Once you get a grip of what BPD entails it is a whole new ball game.  It doesn't make the pain go away but it does sort out some of the crazy you are feeling.  Keep posting.

[jq46810]

Thanks agent

I tried to call her on it with an email last week suggesting that we both need to grow and we could choose to do that apart or do it together with support. To date no reply from her which is confusing.

She is really doing my head in because I have given her every oppurtunity to get out but she keeps me tied to the door. I know she has tried to go out and start again as she called me both nights when she Got home to tell me she was unhappy all night. She has BP as well as the Bpd with naursasitic tendencies, dellusional behaviour and scitsoid patterns so who knows what mood you get.

I do love her but i worry she is a train wreck waiting to happen. She is back drinking and partying with her friends celebrating escaping a terrible dv relationship, all lies.

Why do they destroy what they have. She repeatedly has said to me that i have taken away her dream life with her dream man but she destroyed it with the police. I'm worried about losing her but i feel i have no control on where she is going.

I tried to reach out to her friends to explain to them to take care of her but they wont talk to me as they believe i am evil. I'm sure she does not tell them that we have been in touch or that it is my money she is partying on

in your experience of these matters what tends to happen.

[enlighten me]

Hi JQ

What the counsellor said is something Ive been trying to get across to my mother in law. My ex wife cals her for up to 3 hours a day with her problems and my MIL tries to rescue her. This rescuing means that my exwife doesn't have to try and resolve her own problems.

The not wanting you to date is a very common theme. I look at it as a child with a toy box. We are their favourite toy but they get bored of us so put us in the toy box. They don't want to play with us anymore but they also don't want anyone else playing with us.

She will in my opinion keep using you for money and when it stops she will paint you blacker than black. The fact that she is doing it now and out partying plus how she has painted you to her friends will make it unlikely that she will come back anytime soon. What would her friends and family think of her if she returned to her evil exbf? She cannot have the lie exposed. Im sorry if this seems harsh and its just my opinion based on my ex wifes behaviour which is pretty similar post break up.

pwBPD seem to have an over exaggerated sense of entitlement. Going back t emotional immaturity think of it as a child that has everything provided for them by the parents. You became that parent. You provided for , comforted and protected. Now as a parent you should still be doing this in her opinion.

EM

[jq46810]

Agent

Sorry to tie you up but you really sound like you've walked in my shoes, its so good to talk to you. I've had advice before but with her being as ill as she is its been like I live with 6 different people. Now let me be clear this is not the first time she has left me I think we up to episode number 6 but each time she has gone home for 3 weeks drinking with her friends rubbish me and then come home.

This time was very different though she has used the DVO to get everyone's sympathy, I heard her even say that she has all of her friends back whom I had drive away (again delusion) she ha driven them away with the constant stories of abuse. I am a lil surprised they came back so quick but its obvious that they have been instrumental in pushing here to commit to an apartment and probably driving her to get a  job. I get the impression a few times that she would like to come home if all of this infrastructural support wasn't around her.

Getting a job is going to be the next thing as her motivation and lack there of was the common cause of our issues. She delusion ally feels that she is a person of influence who can do anything but whenever I encouraged to try anything she furiously attacked. No her psychologist has explained that at least for a few more week she will play the I'm to traumatised to work but then the pressure from her friends will create a place that she does not like to go.

The biggest confusing part is that she has said that she had her dream life, in going through things she was spending $3000 per week. no job is going to get that for her. my question is when and if she realises this what will she do.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Agent

Sorry to tie you up but you really sound like you've walked in my shoes, its so good to talk to you. I've had advice before but with her being as ill as she is its been like I live with 6 different people. Now let me be clear this is not the first time she has left me I think we up to episode number 6 but each time she has gone home for 3 weeks drinking with her friends rubbish me and then come home.

This time was very different though she has used the DVO to get everyone's sympathy, I heard her even say that she has all of her friends back whom I had drive away (again delusion) she ha driven them away with the constant stories of abuse. I am a lil surprised they came back so quick but its obvious that they have been instrumental in pushing here to commit to an apartment and probably driving her to get a  job. I get the impression a few times that she would like to come home if all of this infrastructural support wasn't around her.

Getting a job is going to be the next thing as her motivation and lack there of was the common cause of our issues. She delusion ally feels that she is a person of influence who can do anything but whenever I encouraged to try anything she furiously attacked. No her psychologist has explained that at least for a few more week she will play the I'm to traumatised to work but then the pressure from her friends will create a place that she does not like to go.

The biggest confusing part is that she has said that she had her dream life, in going through things she was spending $3000 per week. no job is going to get that for her. my question is when and if she realises this what will she do.

Your wounds are still fresh.  It took me months to sort through all of the confusion.  Once I found this site and researched BPD everything made sense.  I knew why our relationship didn't work.  I understood why despite the love I gave her it wasn't enough.  BPD would never allow her and I to have the relationship I NEEDED, unless she were to get help.  Even then it would be a struggle.  The situation in itself can be maddening which is why I urge you to research. 

    People with BPD have no sense of self.  They are filled with emotional instability.  For nons A + B = C.  For a person with BPD often times A + B = Q.  Their disorder disallows them to use any sort of logic or have clarity on the situation.  They fear being abandoned... .yet they isolate themselves.  There is no possible way to understand or reason a situation like this.

   My ex told me one time that she no longer felt the same about me and broke up with me.  1 hour later she called to say shes made a terrible mistake and she needed me.  She was in love with me and her head was just a mess.  She couldn't understand why she had everything and still felt empty.  It didn't matter how much love I poured into her, she was a bottomless pit.

    She will keep you on the back burner as long as she can.  Whether it be for money or emotional support, she knows  you linger after her.  While our love for them is compassionate, we have to draw the line and love ourselves more.  We can't put someone elses needs before our own and that is exactly what we are doing.  Research and really arm yourself with the knowledge of the disorder.  I'm telling you, you will see things in a whole new light.  It won't ease your pain but at least the dots will be connected.