The Games They Play.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

BPD's can control their reactions when other people are present - which means they are AWARE of their certain behaviors that are wrong or abusive AND that they can REFRAIN from acting in those ways.

Social behaviour on the macro scale (when others are present) is highly ritualized, and directed towards uncertainty reduction.  On the macro scale, a person enters a “temporary ritual status” of scripted behavioural outcomes when interacting with others. 

“Hello, how are you?”  “I am fine, and isn’t it a lovely day today!”

Because this level of interaction is impersonal and non threatening, the BPD will not be triggered.

The greater the degree of social penetration, the greater the likelihood of the BPD reacting defensively; they respond disfavourably to intimacy. 

Some say how can you expect someone who is "3 years old" emotionally to be accountable.  WELL... .  if my 3 year old bites another child I don't just say "Oh, she's three, she can't understand what she did or what she did was wrong."

It’s important not to stray into an error here: They are adults with emotionally immature ego defenses.   

When confronted with an anxiety-provoking situation, an emotionally mature adult will have developed a level of distress tolerance that allows them to negotiate their way through the difficulty without feeling corrupted.

An individual with distress intolerance will respond  differently: they will withdraw, isolate, regress, etc. when faced with an anxiety-provoking situation.

An individual with a personality disorder has immature ego defenses, and no tolerance for distress.  Although their reactions are maladaptive and experienced as extremely painful(Denial, splitting, projection, etc) the defensive efforts to avoid anxiety,  and preserve the ego, lead them to repeat these damaging patterns.

An individual with a personality disorder is not a 3-year-old in an adult’s body.

What BPD means (in part) is that the individual has Pathological/Immature ego defenses and zero distress tolerance.

[kampuniform]

BPD's can control their reactions when other people are present - which means they are AWARE of their certain behaviors that are wrong or abusive AND that they can REFRAIN from acting in those ways.

Social behaviour on the macro scale (when others are present) is highly ritualized, and directed towards uncertainty reduction.  On the macro scale, a person enters a “temporary ritual status” of scripted behavioural outcomes when interacting with others. 

“Hello, how are you?”  “I am fine, and isn’t it a lovely day today!”

Because this level of interaction is impersonal and non threatening, the BPD will not be triggered.

The greater the degree of social penetration, the greater the likelihood of the BPD reacting defensively; they respond disfavourably to intimacy. 

Some say how can you expect someone who is "3 years old" emotionally to be accountable.  WELL... .  if my 3 year old bites another child I don't just say "Oh, she's three, she can't understand what she did or what she did was wrong."

It’s important not to stray into an error here: They are adults with emotionally immature ego defenses.   

When confronted with an anxiety-provoking situation, an emotionally mature adult will have developed a level of distress tolerance that allows them to negotiate their way through the difficulty without feeling corrupted.

An individual with distress intolerance will respond  differently: they will withdraw, isolate, regress, etc. when faced with an anxiety-provoking situation.

An individual with a personality disorder has immature ego defenses, and no tolerance for distress.  Although their reactions are maladaptive and experienced as extremely painful(Denial, splitting, projection, etc) the defensive efforts to avoid anxiety,  and preserve the ego, lead them to repeat these damaging patterns.

An individual with a personality disorder is not a 3-year-old in an adult’s body.

What BPD means (in part) is that the individual has Pathological/Immature ego defenses and zero distress tolerance.

[Chazz]

if the boarderline has enough self awareness to KNOW they are playing games- they aren't a real borderline.

Oh, I dunno... .  My ExBPD use to brag about playing head games with others, including me. She saw it as a source of pride that she could passive-aggressively ply her vindictiveness against those she had painted totally BLACK. Did she clearly see the TRUE motives behind her vindictiveness - likely not. But she most assuredly recognized that she was brutally vindictive.

She has persistent, vivid fantasies about having her son's father physically harmed because he wouldn't give her an additional day of visitation. That gave me the creeps every time. Would she have done it even though she acknowledged/recognized it was wrong - YES. She did it to another person in the past I recently discovered.  

So, yes, they know when they're playing games and engaging in hurtful behavior, vendettas, and such. They just don't care, nor can they reign in their displaced, murderous rage. 

[kampuniform]

if the boarderline has enough self awareness to KNOW they are playing games- they aren't a real borderline.

Oh, I dunno... .  My ExBPD use to brag about playing head games with others, including me. She saw it as a source of pride that she could passive-aggressively ply her vindictiveness against those she had painted totally BLACK. Did she clearly see the TRUE motives behind her vindictiveness - likely not. But she most assuredly recognized that she was brutally vindictive.

She has persistent, vivid fantasies about having her son's father physically harmed because he wouldn't give her an additional day of visitation. That gave me the creeps every time. Would she have done it even though she acknowledged/recognized it was wrong - YES. She did it to another person in the past I recently discovered.  

So, yes, they know when they're playing games and engaging in hurtful behavior, vendettas, and such. They just don't care, nor can they reign in their displaced, murderous rage. 

The punitive behaviour you describe is one the maladaptive consequences of immature ego defenses.

A mature adult will consider extenuating circumstances, empathize with feelings, allow for human imperfection, and be forgiving of mistakes when others do no not meet our expectations.

Immaturity is characterized by intolerance and impatience when others do not meet our expectations. 

“Taking pride in” is not equivalent to “Having self awareness”

“Taking pride in” means that your ex resided in a deficient ego state, and was not truly aware of herself, or others.

[bb12]

One thing that I found always snapped them out of their game playing was a 3rd party.

We become triggers for them to privately unleash their twisted fury. But on the rare occasions someone else saw it, and called them on it, they are super sorry!

My ex would go to extraordinary lengths to make it up to me, but had he not been caught in the act, would have dialled it up not down.

We can't stop their games because we are the trigger for them!

To avoid the pain of anticipated abandonment or rejection, they strike first: often with a vehemence that does not match the situation. Brutal stuff.

Bb12

[Chazz]

The punitive behaviour you describe is one the maladaptive consequences of immature ego defenses.

A mature adult will consider extenuating circumstances, empathize with feelings, allow for human imperfection, and be forgiving of mistakes when others do no not meet our expectations.

Immaturity is characterized by intolerance and impatience when others do not meet our expectations.  

“Taking pride in” is not equivalent to “Having self awareness”

“Taking pride in” means that your ex resided in a deficient ego state, and was not truly aware of herself, or others.

No doubt the Ex has immature ego defenses. No doubt... .  But this discussion is about "the games they play" and their level of awareness of those games. Immature ego or not, they know when they're playing games; they know when they're being cruel and out to annihilate you. They just don't care - it's intentional. 

bb12's point is well taken... .  It is amazing how they manage to snap out of their immature ego defenses when observed by a 3rd party - say the police for instance.  

[sm15000]

if the boarderline has enough self awareness to KNOW they are playing games- they aren't a real borderline.

What is a 'real' borderline?  I, as many on here had an ex that was udxd. . .whether he would be by a professional I don't know.  I see it as a continuum - some may have different traits, that are more ingrained or intense than others but the patterns always repeat.

At the end before I was aware there might be 'something else' I thought my ex was playing games. . .to have his cake and eat it so to speak.  He started suggesting I was the one who may be cheating. . .I mentioned was he just playing games, he didn't answer. . .so I repeated, it is games then - he just smirked.

He was aware to some extent of what he was doing but I think it was more a means of keeping control to not be abandoned. . .and sometimes pretty desperate.   The main thing is he couldn't stop, he doesn't know any other way. . .and I should imagine he's learnt (and so repeats) these ways have served him pretty well in the past!

[Surnia]

Willingtolearn

May I ask you: Where are you now in your process of detaching from your gf?

Do you have contact?

Is there something you can do to be not so exposed to her behaviour?

[Willingtolearn]

Surnia.

I have been NC for 12 months. I have been getting the "silent hang up calls" for months at my work place. I believe that is one of the traits of pwBPD.

In a "game" there are winners and losers, but sometimes it ends in stalemate.The games pwBPD play with non's are exactly like that. Think about it.

[Surnia]

Surnia.

I have been NC for 12 months. I have been getting the "silent hang up calls" for months at my work place.

Silent hang up calls are nasty. 

Sounds like stalking to me. Did you consider legal measures against it?

[IamDevastated]

I disagree very much that pwBPDs don´t play games intentionally. In retrospect I can see all the premeditated and intentional games my exBPD played with me... .  to hurt... .  to confuse... .  to devastate.

Also she recently told me about a guy she has been stringing along for the better part of 2 years (so he was clearly in the picture when she was with me!   An emotional (and perhaps physical) affair behind my back   I know now just one of MANY!   ). She has promised this poor sap marriage and what not. She called me up all giddy and told me she was about to go and tell him to LEAVE HER ALONE! Just the day before she had talked with him about getting engaged (!). I repeat: She was all giddy when she told me this. Her verbatim words were: We borderlines... .  this is what we do... .  we push and pull... .  this is how we get our kick (smirk)!

I am not making this up I swear to christ. I hope my stories can help some of you who believe in the good in your pwBPDs and how they only do what they do because they are sick and can´t help it. Some of them know DAMN WELL what they are doing and they are getting a kick out of it! My exBPD has been in therapy for more than 6 months now and bear in mind that these words she spoke was coming from a BPD cogniscant of her own diagnosis/illness and a BPD in therapy.

They are rotten to the core! Mine was/is anyway.

YUCK!