What is this about? (venting)

[BadKitty]

I just need to vent a little and also, if anyone has any advice on what I could have done better or what point he is trying to make with me, feel free to let me know.

First off, let me say that we have had a great couple of days, from Monday until today. Even this morning he was so nice and loving to me but I believe I triggered an argument without even realizing it. He told me my hair looked pretty and I told him thanks and that I had just gotten it trimmed over the weekend. It was barely a quarter of an inch trimmed off. He hadn't even noticed it... . until I said something.

So I am at work today and my phone starts going off with text messages. Here's how it goes:

Him: "I love you!"

Him: "Can you afford this apartment by yourself?"

Him: "So I guess it's safe to say, you will never have your hair long ever again. You keep chopping it off."

At this point I read the messages and think, Oh no... .

Me: "Yes I can afford the apartment. I got my hair trimmed to keep it healthy."

Him: "Yes, it is growing, but the old growth and length get cut off. So it never gets long."

Him: "Please do not write me note anymore. And please stop telling me you love me via texts and vocally."

Him: "You had your hair long for your ex, but not for me. He must have been really special."

Him: "Lets see if we can get me off the lease on Saturday."

Me: "OK, we can do that if that is what you want."

Him: "Yeah, I think it's best if we go our separate ways."

Him: "I realize we are not compatible, I want more of a woman, you want something different."

Him: "I realize you will never change even though you claim to love me."

Him: "That's why I feel you do not love me."

Now, my head is spinning trying to figure out what this is all about. I am thinking he is upset because I got my hair trimmed and wants me to have it long. Is this right? Why does he start the whole thing with I love you? I kind of laugh when I read these messages. This morning he was so loving and I was almost late for work because he couldn't keep his hands off of me! Now this? I know this will blow over like it always does. Or maybe this time it won't, who knows?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissyM]

I don't know with your pwBPD but my dBPDh gets panicked when we have been too close and things are going well.  So, if I didn't immediately respond to the I love you text, with an I love you too, then he would become dysregulated.  Is the hair an ongoing theme?

[BadKitty]

Actually, yes it is. I don't know how many arguments we've been in over it. He thinks just because I get it trimmed that I am not going to grow it out.

He knew I was at work. I cannot reply right away. It's just so frustrating to go from one end of the spectrum to the other so rapidly.  He's broken up with me numerous times I've the hair issue alone.

[an0ught]

Hi BadKitty,

we men know that women often change their hairs when they change relationships. So you changing your hair is absolute proof that you are leaving. Better to leave you before this happens.

Makes perfectly sense to me with my Oz reading glasses  

Looks like a case of him feeling abandoned.

It may be worth a try to validate him be not confident in your relationship and him feeling not having much control over you. He may be also afraid of being hurt by you so that may be worth validating as well.

I would not focus too much on fact - there seem to be basic communication problems. Understanding his expectations may be important - not saying they are realistic and need to be all heeded.

[BadKitty]

Thank you for your reply. This has gone on for a week now.

Last night he told me to leave and get out of his life. He told me what a horrible person I was. He said I never loved him and never cared for him and he feels the same, he has never loved or cared for me. He has never had this many problems in a relationship.I really do find that hard to believe. I was compared to all of his ex girlfriends. I am trying my hardest not to let any of this get to me.

All I did was TRIM my hair. I didn't change it at all. No one could even tell. I can't talk to him right now because it's no use. He doesn't care about anything I have to say. All he wants to do is tell me how horrible I am. I don't know what to do at this point. I am utterly lost.

He didn't go through with getting him off the lease and I knew he wouldn't. Now he is telling me to get out and go find myself another place to live. Is he being serious? Is this what he really wants? Should I just move out like he wants? Do you think he will change his mind again? How do you decide what to do. Again, utterly and totally lost... .

[Chapter8]

Hi Badkitty

After reading your post, I realised we are going through a similar pattern here! Even about my hair too. I am always triggering something without knowing it, the way I dress, the make up, if I don't wear make up, my phone, what I do when I leave the house, these are all triggers for him and then some.

I have and am trying to not trigger him, however that's really hard when speaking to friends and family do that, I haven't spoken to my friends or family for months now, only my Dad, as my BPbf feels safe with him!

I can honestly say that I have stopped validating him and become a silent shell... . this works better sometimes than carrying on the conversation when you can clearly see nothing is working, remaining calm is very hard however it works along with the silence, god forbid if I rolled my eyes!

Your man clearly feels threatened, scared and absolutely terrified of the reasons he thinks you are getting your hair cut. It might be worth asking him one good day what makes him feel scared about it, that's part of getting to the bottom of it, but be prepared for an episode when you ask why. I hope things are ok for you and you are somewhat happy! Take care

[BadKitty]

Oh yes! I made this mistake last night. I asked him why after not talking to him for days. He went off on everything BUT the answer as to why. He told me how much of a horrible person I was. How I am always sick, I always complain about work, ect... . He came home with some alcohol so I asked him to please leave because that only makes things worse and I haven't seen him since.

[tired-of-it-all]

Wow.  Walking on these eggshells sucks. 

The healthy thing to do is to do with your own hair whatever you want and ignore him.  I know that is easier said than done.

[waverider]

work out what YOU want, and stick to that path and let him soothe himself over this. Just keep your interaction focused on less is more and not invalidating him, rather than trying to validate as a fixing tool.

He has some sort of inner insecurity going on, he can't deal with it so he looking for someone to project the responsibility onto, and sees you cutting your hair as a change to the status quo, and hence must be a threat fed by some preconceived notion. This really has nothing to do with your hair, so just avoid going there, it is a red herring.

[BadKitty]

So how do I proceed now? He has broken up with me yet again. Told me to move out but said I could stay as long as I needed. The funny thing is that he was being flirtatious when he did finally come back home. We watched a movie together and talked a bit about normal everyday things. Not our relationship. I decided to go see a friend to let him have some alone time and for me to relax as well. As I was leaving he said he was going to stay at his dad's house again. I didn't make a big deal of it and went on my way. I really don't know what to do at this point. I don't know if I should go ahead and look for a new place, I don't know if he's serious this time. We've been through this so many times before. How do I know if this is the last straw?  How do I know what he really wants? Did I make another mistake by leaving to see a friend? Is that why he left again? I'm pretty sure he was going to leave regardless because he's never been able to stay here on Saturday night. He'd rather go out and drink. I'm sorry for all the questions but this is such a confusing thing to deal with!

[BadKitty]

Nevermind, he just sent me a text saying he has met someone else who he would like to get to know better. I don't know if that means he has cheated. I don't care. And possibly he is lying to push me further away but regardless of what it means, i am devastated. I think this is the end of the road for us. It is for the best.

[formflier]

Hang in there.  Take some time to evaluate what you want.  I think your last sentence says a lot!

Please do some reading and thinking about healthy relationships

Nevermind, he just sent me a text saying he has met someone else who he would like to get to know better. I don't know if that means he has cheated. I don't care. And possibly he is lying to push me further away but regardless of what it means, i am devastated. I think this is the end of the road for us. It is for the best.

[Chosen]

BadKitty,

I think the hair is just a trigger (and it's an ongoing theme because the conversation is predictable for him), and that the underlying cause is his insecurity.

He's afraid that you will leave him (as my uBPDh often is too, even though there is NO fact to support it), so he reads everything as "this means she is going to leave me".  Don't argue with him on the hair "it's only a trim, barely noticable!"- don't let him drag you onto the little things because that's exactly what they want you to do.  If you keep arguging about how much/ often you cut you hair, then you will cement his thinking that it has something to do with your relationship.  It is ridiculous but I kinda think that's how their brain works.

[formflier]

So do you recommend stating (once) that it has nothing to do with your relationship and then moving on... . or just move on.

Stating that hair does not have anything to do with it also may give a chance to state what does have to do with your relationship... . or state the things you do that the BPD person should pay attention to...   Thoughts?

BadKitty,

I think the hair is just a trigger (and it's an ongoing theme because the conversation is predictable for him), and that the underlying cause is his insecurity.

He's afraid that you will leave him (as my uBPDh often is too, even though there is NO fact to support it), so he reads everything as "this means she is going to leave me".  Don't argue with him on the hair "it's only a trim, barely noticable!"- don't let him drag you onto the little things because that's exactly what they want you to do.  If you keep arguging about how much/ often you cut you hair, then you will cement his thinking that it has something to do with your relationship.  It is ridiculous but I kinda think that's how their brain works.

[BadKitty]

Last night he came to me, obviously very upset and almost in tears. I asked what was wrong, what he was feeling. He admitted to me he has a problem. He said he has no idea why he has such a problem with my hair as well as the other regular arguments we have. He admitted to being afraid of our relationship because it's the second longest relationship he's been in, the first being his high school sweetheart. He is 41 so that was quite some time ago. He said he needs to just let it go and he knows that. He is afraid of me leaving him every time he does this. He admitted to lying about there being someone else (was he really though?) just to push me further away. It's less painful and embarrassing for him if he is the one that breaks it off first, even if he does look like a jerk. He pleaded with me to please stay. He said he will try hard to change his way of thinking. He said he realizes how painful it must be to have him do this over and over again. He can't understand why I am still with him.

For me this is a big step for him, admitting he has a problem. I told him I will be as patient as I can with him, but there will come a time when I will reach my limit. I wish I knew how to tell him that maybe he needs therapy without causing another argument.

I would definitely like some advice on the best way to handle the hair thing when it comes up again. Do I just say OK, I understand you're upset but we've talked about this before and move on? I think that is maybe the best because I think Chose is right. He just wants to argue about it for whatever reason. I just wish I could get to the bottom of this oh so frustrating argument!

[waverider]

I just wish I could get to the bottom of this oh so frustrating argument!

If you wish to get to the bottom of an issue, you first have to stop arguing about it. Arguing is often their way of avoiding getting to the real issue.

Anger is addressed by projecting on to you, you then mirror it back, and around it goes. Left alone the anger has a chance to dissipate and often they may then get down to reveal the next level, which is closer to the truth of the matter.

The more time you spend defending, the less time you spend asking and listening.

[Chosen]

Yeah my suggestion will be using SET just to state it once whenever he brings it up "I understand that the hair trimming makes you uneasy about our relationship.  I would be upset too if I feel that my partner is leaving me.  Actually, I trimmed my hair because it is too long/ weak/ whatever, not because I'm leaving.  I'm with you now and I have no wish to change that."