Coping isn't enough...

[Cat Familiar]

Because I am not trying to fix his moods or be responsible for his relationships with friends, family, he has felt as if he isn't important to me.  In short, he feels abandoned.  He has been lashing out... .he has agreed to tell me what is bothering him, and what he needs instead of lashing out.  I know we can work on that... .  Coping is not enough, but I am changing and living more authentically... . disengagement was one of the first tools I used successfully to protect myself from raging.  But, I sometimes have become too detached and that really made connection during smoother times more difficult.  It seems a fine line,   between enough detachment to not be present for raging and enough connection to salvage the good parts of the relationship.  Do you know what I mean? 

Yes, I understand how there's a fine line between being too disengaged and not enough connection. I overdid the disengagement in order to step out of the enmeshment. Now I'm stepping back into being more connected, but it's on MY terms. As soon as the disrespectful conversation starts (and it hasn't lately), I sign out.

When you change the overall dynamic of a longterm relationship, it really is upsetting for the other partner because things don't work the way they used to. Even when you make very positive beneficial self-improvements this is also the case. But over time, they adjust, particularly when you show yourself to be grounded and steady and there for them.

[Enabler]

Although there are obvious other complications with a pwBPD I liked the way this article (under Part 2: The Why) describes how unsettling the dynamic of a relationship will inevitably create conflict.

https://hellogiggles.com/love-sex/why-good-relationships-suddenly-go-bad/

I guess the key is whether or not this process of reorganization settles down in time under the new regime of a paradigm shift. If you are firm with your resolve he gets to decide if he plays by the new boundaries and rules of the relationship or not. Can he cope with losing the parts of the relationship he relied on that you no longer offer... .those parts being an outlet for his anger and your emotional caretaking.

[Mustbeabetterway]

You are right on the money, Cat.  Things definitely do not work the way they used too.  I feel good about the changes I have made.  Even though there are sometimes setbacks, we are making forward progress.  Our connection is getting stronger and there is more honest affection. 

Enabler, that article is exactly right about one partner changing.  I believe my husband cares enough about the relationship to make the shift.

One thing I am working on is not being so afraid of anger.  His blustery anger just activates anxiety and I don’t operate well in the face of it.  90% of the time it blows over quickly.  I have been trying to use some strategies to keep from having a harmful response. 

I appreciate the support and responses.  Peace to you,  Mustbe

[Lucky Jim]

One thing I am working on is not being so afraid of anger.  His blustery anger just activates anxiety and I don’t operate well in the face of it.  90% of the time it blows over quickly.  I have been trying to use some strategies to keep from having a harmful response. 

Hey Mustbe, When I look back at my marriage to a pwBPD, her anger is the predominant theme, so I can relate to what you are saying.  One things I learned is that behind the anger is usually pain and hurt, often from some unrelated incident.  Nevertheless, I don't recommend being the container for anyone's anger, so I suggest that you decline to engage.  It's his issue, not yours, so use your boundaries to keep yourself out of the line of fire.

LuckyJim

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi LJ,  as always, thanks for weighing in again.  It has taken a good amount of time, thought and practice, but I have learned to have boundaries.  I am better able to stay out of the line of fire. 

We will see what tomorrow brings, but I believe that once a person knows better, it is impossible too go back to the way it was and that’s a wonderful thing.

Mustbe

[Red5]

It has taken a good amount of time, thought and practice, but I have learned to have boundaries.  I am better able to stay out of the line of fire. 

We will see what tomorrow brings, but I believe that once a person knows better, it is impossible too go back to the way it was and that’s a wonderful thing.

Mustbe

One thing I have learned about boundaries, is that you have to keep “riding your fence lines” so to speak; as in, sometimes once you set a boundary, you may have to reinforce it, to ensure its still viable, and effective, and sometimes at your peril.

Someone told me here a while back about the significant other trying to breech, or go around your set boundary by “moving the gold posts” so to speak… changing the rules of the game, mid game.

As in, when the old tried and true methods no longer work do to implementation of a new set boundary, the significant other may try new tactics to get their way, to control, or manipulate.

Like the Maginot Line in France… the invaders just attacked in a different place, and the boundary was bypassed in another geographical location, and rendered completely ineffective, and thus obsolete.

As I wrote some other pace the other day, the significant other seems to never “run out of material”…

Red5

[Lucky Jim]

As in, when the old tried and true methods no longer work do to implementation of a new set boundary, the significant other may try new tactics to get their way, to control, or manipulate.

Like the Maginot Line in France … the invaders just attacked in a different place, and the boundary was bypassed in another geographical location, and rendered completely ineffective, and thus obsolete.

Nicely put, Red5.  Yup, unlike the French defending the Maginot Line, one has to be prepared for new tactics.

LJ

[Cat Familiar]

One thing I have learned about boundaries, is that you have to keep “riding your fence lines” so to speak; as in, … sometimes once you set a boundary, you may have to reinforce it, to ensure its still viable, and effective, and sometimes at your peril.

I like this metaphor since I'm a "hobby rancher" and I regularly have to check my fence lines. I do this by walking them, since my acreage isn't so vast, but it still takes a lot of time. My uncle in Wyoming had tens of thousands of acres and had to ride his fence lines on a regular basis. There's something about having huge territories that instills a sense of freedom and openness, but on the other hand is a hell of a lot of work.

I guess this is another metaphor. There is a Japanese game, Go, which seems like it would be simple, but the strategy is very complex. It's played out on a board, similar to a chess board, with flat tokens and the idea is to surround territory and capture areas, through keeping boundaries strong and unable to be penetrated by the opponent.

The typical mistake a player makes is to try and surround too much territory with weak boundaries. That is a setup for the opponent to capture and split off large pieces of the area.

I guess how this applies to our situation is to choose one's battles carefully and hold firm on those boundaries.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Nothing good to report today.  My UBPDH has been so angry because he didn’t get the Christmas gift I promised him.  The backstory:  I did want to buy him a present that he has been wanting.  It is rather expensive, so I took the money out of my savings before Christmas to buy it.  The catch:  he didn’t want me to buy it without him approving.  I offered to just let him buy it and I pay for it.  At the time, he didn’t want the money just to pick it out.  During the holidays
I asked no less than 5 times if he was ready to go and pick out his gift.  I was off and he had time, as well.  Each time he said, no not now.  I wasn’t going to buy it without Him.  Whatever I bought I am reasonably certain that he would find fault with.  So weeks later, suspiciously after I had been out to dinner with a friend, he unraveled about not having gotten a Christmas present.  The present had two parts, one of which I had already given to him.  He had taped it to my vanity mirror and written a note about being last on my list.  Then I tried to give him the money, and he said it was too late.  He was obviously feeling abandonment.  He demanded that I explain why I hadn’t given him anything.  I tried not to JADE.  Of course, I felt very guilty and began to question my own motives.  However, I decided within myself that I really had wanted and tried to give him the gift he wanted. 

A pattern has been to start a big fight right before I leave for work.  While I was getting ready for work he turned the coffee maker upside down into the sink. 

This has spiraled into him locking me out of the vehicle I have been driving to work.  It has my work keys, badge and supplies for today in it.  I was forced to take the other car, which he has trashed out and it was on empty so had to stop and get gas.   


I’m at work and determined to make it an okay day.  I don’t know what my next step will be.

I refuse to play these games.  He is escalating in response.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mustbe, The Christmas gift dispute seems silly, because he tied your hands.  Suggest you continue to decline to engage.  Stay about the fray, as much as possible, and beware of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) which seems likely when he is in this state of mind.  Keep up the good work.

LuckyJim

[Red5]

MBaBW,

A pattern has been to start a big fight right before I leave for work.  While I was getting ready for work he turned the coffee maker upside down into the sink.

I can relate to your experiences,
*Take out food for three people; once back home after pick up; all thrown into the trash because order was not correct.
*Supper dishes, cooked & prepared, and yet untouched/served; jettisoned into the sink disposer over supposed disagreement.
*Coffee cups, and entire pots of hot, fresh, piping hot coffee dumped into the sink over supposed slight.
*Entire tea pitcher full of sun tea dumped into the sink, over... .(again) supposed slight/disagreement.
*And for an encore performance, .one time, here a few months back, my u/BPD(w) took a pitcher of water and extinguished the fire I had built in the fire place, .(again) supposed slight/disagreement (2.0).

Another fav behavior (acting out), is to pick a fight at dinner (out to eat), then storm out of the restaurant, and walk home, thus ruining the entire dining experience.

All very childish behavior, and not to mention, quite embarrassing in the public, or else round the family, to include her FOO.

I could tell you hair raising stories about Christmas time as well, but I will forgo for now, hang in there MBaBW

Red5

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi LJ, the hand tying thing happens often.  Trying to follow all the rules and jump through the hoops in hopes of pleasing him really never works.

I am trying to stay out of the fray and disengaging when things are heated.  I try to keep my cool, but sometimes I fail at that.  Yesterday, he was yelling and trying to forbid me from taking “his” vehicle which he recently has been insisting I drive.  I had plans to visit my daughter and granddaughter  and in the face of his anger, I  felt a little panicked and started to cave in and stay home.  But, I stood up for myself and kept my plans. We took a long nice walk to the park.  It was fun.

I guess he got me back this morning by taking and hiding the truck keys.

[Lucky Jim]

I had plans to visit my daughter and granddaughter  and in the face of his anger, I  felt a little panicked and started to cave in and stay home.  But, I stood up for myself and kept my plans. We took a long nice walk to the park.  It was fun.

Nicely done, Mustbe.  Let me relate a quick story.  Years ago, I had plans to attend a college football game with some old roommates.  My BPDxW was against it and cited a litany of reasons why I could not go to the game.  Like you I started to cave in, but then I said to myself, there is no valid reason why I can't see my friends and go to a football game.  Finally, I said to my BPDxW, "Look, I don't care if I have to hitchhike, I am going to the football game!"  At that point, she said, "What about me and the kids?"  I said, "you are all welcome to come."  So we packed up the car and had a memorable family day at the game.  My kids had a ball and loved the cotton candy.  None of it would have happened it I hadn't stood up for myself.

LuckyJim

[Mustbeabetterway]

That’s a good story, Lucky Jim.  Good decision and memories made.

Red5, wow!  I can totally relate.  I used to try so hard to cook something my husband would like and many times he threw his dinner down the disposal or into the garbage. This morning I had one cup of coffee and the rest went into the sink.  I wonder if it will be cleaned up when I get home.  I have been embarrassed at restaurants, too.  I know I haven’t done anything wrong, but having people look at you while your SO is causing a disturbance is embarrassing.

I’m trying to prepare myself for getting home this evening.  I want to stay calm and not get caught up in craziness. 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Well, yesterday on my way home from work my husband ‘s brother called me and said my husband had left him a message that he couldn’t understand because husband was slurring his words.  He was concerned.  When I got home UBPDH was in bed and I lightly shook him and asked if he was ok.  He jumped up and was extremely hostile. 

So I left and visited Mom in the nursing home.  When I returned he demanded the keys to his vehicle and was aggressive with me.  Aggression escalated into him pushing me out the door and locking it.  No keys, no purse, no phone.  I retrieved my hide a key that was buried in the flower bed and got inside to get my purse.

Went to Target and bought some clothes so I could be at work today.  Spent the night with daughter.  I am really upset that he forced me out of the house without my things.  But, safety is more important than things. 

I am planning to contact a lawyer today.  Sad, mad and just had enough. 

[Red5]

MBaBW,

Very sorry to hear about your evening, and resultant events, I can certainly relate as well.

I too have been to the end of my rope, and without a knot at the end to hold onto... .and I too have gone "downtown" to talk with a lawyer, on more than one-two occasions, but here I am;... . still here.

Aggression escalated into him pushing me out the door and locking it.  No keys, no purse, no phone.  I retrieved my hide a key that was buried in the flower bed and got inside to get my purse.


I too have a "spare key" hidden outside, so I don't have to break into our own home, fixing and repairing door frames and windows does get old, .also I keep a "bail-out" bag for my son and myself, and also... .cash, so that I cannot be tracked via the credit card, so if I do have to go to a hotel ie' "escape pod", there is no record of my geographical location because I transacted with cash.

I can tell you, that when I feel the "barometric pressure" building, I will automatically slip my phone and wallet  into my back pocket, along with my vehicle keys... .I will keep my shoes on, and ensure that if it "gets worse", that I can make my escape with my son poste haste... .got to be ready to flee the scene quickly, I have been "caught short" too any times now, so now I am prepared.  

There is a word, "contingency".

Has been like this for years now, .certainly NO way to live really, .then when I get seriously mindful, and I slip my rope, and headed towards the ":)", there is always the inevitable recycle.

Perplexing, and exhausting, with a side order of "FOG"... .

Hang in there MBaBW, we are all here listening,

Red5

[Lucky Jim]

Aggression escalated into him pushing me out the door and locking it.  No keys, no purse, no phone. 

Hey Mustbe, I'm so sorry to hear about this episode.  You're right: safety is more important than things. I can relate as I kept an overnight bag in my car for situations just like this.  I think you were wise to leave and avoid any further escalation.  Needless to say, you can't go on like this.  Keep us posted, when you can.

LJ

[Mustbeabetterway]

Thanks Lucky Jim and Red5 for your kindness and concern.  It helps to have the support of people who understand what I am up against. 

I have been staying with my daughter and family.  It has been nice.  My husband was often angry about me spending time with them (it’s his daughter, too).  He would tell me to cut the apron strings and other such nonsense. 

I haven’t been home since Monday and hadn’t heard a word from him until today.  And differently than in the past, I had not wanted to.  He texted me and wanted me to take back his vehicle because he worried about me driving on the highway in the old car.  But, the old car is in my name and paid for.  I said no thanks. 

I texted that I would like to come and get my clothes and other personal items.  But, I didn’t want him to be home when I came.  We agreed on a time on Saturday when he wouldn’t be there.  I am going to try to get as much of my important papers, Medicine, clothing as I can.  So I won’t be in the position I have been in these past few days.

I feel good about the progress I have made over these past three years when something similar happened and I joined this site.  I feel much stronger.  In the past, I felt like something I had done caused the abusive behavior and if I could just try harder, be better and convince him that all the anger was harming us then things would improve.  That is not how it works. 

For those of you reading this and struggling in your relationship with a PWBPD, you can learn to change old habits.  You can find a better way.  The lessons, strategies and insights with practice changed me for the better.  Even though I have just experienced traumatic events, I know that the changes I have made and what I have learned about myself are going to pull me through.

Now I think that I have enabled this bad behavior by sticking around so long.     I am not going to be a part of this dysfunction anymore. 

I think I will begin posting on the “Detaching from a Failed Relationship “ board.

Peace and blessings - Mustbe