Knowing the BPD facts and struggling to let her go

[MdW]

In January 2016 I met a woman who I thought was potentially 'the one'. Being a feminine bi-sexual woman aged 32 it is very hard to find someone similar in the real world without having to use dating apps, so I met her on Tinder.

There was an instant connection unlike anything I have ever experienced before. She was highly intelligent, talented, well travelled, successful and very beautiful (looked like Gillian Anderson from the x files  ).  We not only shared important interests, but we seemed to be on the same page with regards to values and future plans.

Although she told me  she has not had a relationship for more than 3 - 6 months at a time over the last 10 years, it did not bother me as she was in the Air Force for that time and I thought it was perhaps hard for her to meet people whilst touring and working as hard as she did. I also asked the question about sexual partners and did not like that she did not know the number, however I thought it is probably normal these days for most women our age to have been with a lot of people. I've had long relationships over the past 10 years so have not had that many sexual partners for that reason and did not want to judge her for that.

Our first 2 months together was out of this world. We agreed to take things slowly and did not sleep together for the first month of dating. We would go on dates that lasted until 4am in the weekday just to be together. We were both madly in love.

She told me early on that she had depression and that she was taking medication for it. I did not see that side of her for a while and never dated someone with depression so I just assumed the medication was working.

She introduced me to her family and friends very quickly. Almost showing me off to them. Her family and friends were a bit strange with me in the sense that they did not really make the effort to get to know me. Almost like I wasn't special, like I would just be another one perhaps? When she met my friends she was also quiet, observing, afraid to engage... .

After the second month I started noticing strange behaviour. It did not happen gradually, it all happened on one night. She preferred to spend evenings at my place. I live in a fantastic area in central London with my flatmate, however she lived alone a little bit outside London in her own apartment. It would have made more sense for us to stay at hers as we would have more privacy there, however she insisted my place was nicer and closer to her work in the city.

She invited me for dinner at her place one evening. When I arrived I could sense her behaviour changed. I asked her if she was alright or if maybe she was just feeling depressed, however she insisted she was fine. There were suddenly long periods of silence and awkwardness and I told her I had to go home. She started crying, begged me not to leave her and hysterically and ran to the kitchen. I asked her to tell me what I could do as I did not know how to make her feel better. She then opened the window on the fifth floor of her apartment and threatened to kill herself by jumping if I left. I have never experienced anything like this before and did not know what to do. A part of me wanted to leave as I did not want to be emotionally blackmailed, and the other part of me wanted to stay as I wasn't sure what she was capable of. I went to the kitchen, took her hand and led her to the bedroom, just holding her whilst she was weeping.

We woke up the next morning and I felt very worried about the events of the previous evening. She woke up and asked me first thing if I was going to leave her. I said no, but that I needed some answers. She told me she had disassociation,  paranoia and potentially BPD, but that it's not professionally diagnosed so she is not sure. She also asked me not to Google BPD (I have never heard of it before this) as people are very negative about it and it might persuade me to leave her.

I did Google it and bought The BPD Relationship Blueprint by Rick Reynolds to give me a clue of what is to come. As I started reading it I felt sick at the signs so I stopped. I did not want to believe she had BPD. I immediately stopped my research and tried to be a bit more understanding and sensitive with her.

My brother was getting married, however I was concerned to take her to the wedding after events. Luckily it was her grandmother's 80th birthday that weekend so it worked out just fine. I did not want the first ever person I introduce to my parents to disappoint them or ruin his wedding.

From there on it just got worst, more moments of silence, she didn't trust me, accused me of speaking to people in a rude way (I'm the most polite person there is), told me I was co-dependant, controlling, possessive. She even told me she did not like the way I was looking at her. We went from seeing each other 4 times a week to once a week. Then she started breaking up with me, randomly for no reason.

She would agree to go on holidays with me and then cancel on me hours before we would go - multiple times. I was in love with her so I let her treat me this way, I know it is wrong , but it happened and there is nothing I can do about it now. I had to cancel my 32nd birthday party because she broke up with me the day before in June 2016. She then broke up with me officially at the rearranged birthday party in July whilst I was hosting 40 of my friends. After each break-up she would apologise and then do it again when I challenged her to why she did it.

I forgave her each time because I loved her. The final nail in the coffin was in August 2016, about a month ago. She invited me to her home after we saw each other the night before. I knew it was a bad idea as two nights in a row never worked with us. We watched Hector and the Search for Happiness. I asked her what made her happy... .She got instantly annoyed and said "my family and friends - I know you want me to say you but it is not you" - followed by "it's over, this is not working". She was cold and I could not find the girl I met in her eyes. My eyes filled with tears and I did not say a word - nobody has ever treated me this way... .but it got worst. "I tried to break up with you for 3 months now, but you wouldn't let me".

I was heartbroken. I even told her it was the disorders making her say these terrible things and that we should just take a step back. We went to bed, waking up she told me she was sorry. I asked her to tell me what happened and that I need to talk about it. She wanted to sleep more and did not want to talk to me about it. That triggered her and she told me it was over AGAIN. We left her home and I went to work knowing that I needed space from events. She text me asking if I wanted to talk after work. I asked her to give me two weeks, but that is was over. She insisted she wanted to talk to me when we were ready.

It was the hardest two weeks of my life, not contacting her (which I did mostly telling her how much I loved and missed her) . She made no effort apart from once responding that she thought about me all the time and cared for me and that I should not think otherwise.

Unfortunately something coincidental and terrible happened. The day after we agreed that we'd speak in September or October - leaving things on good terms, my best friend's boyfriend messaged her something inexplicable which made her think I broke her trust. She blocked and deleted me from all contact. I gathered evidence to prove my innocence, but she's not spoken to me since 14th August. I have messaged her three times since, I know she received the messages, but she is not responding. I don't want to be a creep and turn up at her home to talk. I am also convinced that she actually might not care about me at all.

It has only been a month. It is short in the bigger scheme of things, however I cannot get her out of my mind. I struggle to accept that I was just another person to her. I love her despite the terrible treatment. A part of me (heart) believes that we were meant to be and that the disorders are improvable and curable. The sensible part of me (brain) is telling me to run as fast as I can and to come to the realisation that what we had wasn't real. Realistically I don't think there is anything to fight for because I lost her anyways. She does not want me. Saying that I have seen her do this to her friends - they would upset her and she would not speak to them for months at a time.

Ultimately I do not want this to be my life, the never ending cycles of heartache and extreme ups and downs... .On the other hand I have never loved anyone as much as I love her. When things were good we had the most amazing times, travelling the world, enjoying live music, talking to strangers, dancing the night away, sharing dreams, enjoying our favourite meals together, talking about marriage and the future, being in love, and the sex was so intimate and amazing.

Do I rapidly do something or anything to move on or do I try and win her back? If I try and win her back, where do you start with a BPD person?

Thank you in advance for any kind advice.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[schwing]

Hi MdW,

And

Do I rapidly do something or anything to move on or do I try and win her back? If I try and win her back, where do you start with a BPD person?

You seem undecided about whether or not you should try to win her back. And whether or not you will be given the opportunity to win her back is also up to your BPD loved one.

I'd like to explain some of my understanding of this disorder and relate it to your experience and hopefully this will help you make an appropriate choice as to how to move forward from here. Either way, whether you choose to disengage and detach or to work towards saving and improving your relationship, having a better understanding of the nature of this disorder will assist in your endeavor.

Our first 2 months together was out of this world. We agreed to take things slowly and did not sleep together for the first month of dating. We would go on dates that lasted until 4am in the weekday just to be together. We were both madly in love.

After the second month I started noticing strange behaviour. It did not happen gradually, it all happened on one night... .

She invited me for dinner at her place one evening. When I arrived I could sense her behaviour changed... .

As I understand it, for people with BPD (pwBPD) feelings of familiarity and intimacy seem to be a consistent trigger for their disordered feelings and behaviors. So this might be why, in the beginning of your relationship when your familiarity/intimacy was only beginning to develop, she did not exhibit many disordered behaviors. This allows the "honeymoon stage" to happen for pwBPD.  I imagine for her, she was elated with the prospect that perhaps with you, she would not experience any of these disordered feelings.

But for whatever reason, after the 2nd month she started to experience disordered feelings probably associated with fear of abandonment/betrayal (for some it is denigration). So in spite of your actual intentions and behavior, she felt very strongly that you would abandon her.  And for pwBPD, they try to reconcile their feelings with their intellectual understanding of their situation. But very often, for pwBPD, their disordered feelings overwhelm them to the point that their memories are reshaped to accommodate their disordered feelings.

There were suddenly long periods of silence and awkwardness and I told her I had to go home. She started crying, begged me not to leave her and hysterically and ran to the kitchen. I asked her to tell me what I could do as I did not know how to make her feel better. She then opened the window on the fifth floor of her apartment and threatened to kill herself by jumping if I left.

And it is in reaction to this disordered perception that they will be abandoned (real or imagined), that they will make frantic efforts in order to avoid this abandonment. Some pwBPD will use the threat of suicide to avoid abandonment (real or imagined).

From there on it just got worst, more moments of silence, she didn't trust me, accused me of speaking to people in a rude way (I'm the most polite person there is), told me I was co-dependant, controlling, possessive. She even told me she did not like the way I was looking at her. We went from seeing each other 4 times a week to once a week. Then she started breaking up with me, randomly for no reason.

You see, even though she could see outwardly that you felt lovingly towards her, her disordered feelings reshaped her perception. She (imagined) that you could not be trusted, because she felt that she would be betrayed.

She began to seek distance from you -- likely because it was her feeling of closeness to you that was triggering these disordered feelings and thoughts.

And the best way to avoid abandonment is to be the one who abandons first, and so she breaks up with you. And after her disordered feelings subside, she'd return, but only until her disordered feelings were triggered again. etc.

I had to cancel my 32nd birthday party because she broke up with me the day before in June 2016. She then broke up with me officially at the rearranged birthday party in July whilst I was hosting 40 of my friends.

I've noticed that occasions of familial or intimate importance, such as birthdays, family celebrations, anniversaries, weddings, can be significant triggers for their disordered feelings.

Unfortunately something coincidental and terrible happened. The day after we agreed that we'd speak in September or October - leaving things on good terms, my best friend's boyfriend messaged her something inexplicable which made her think I broke her trust. She blocked and deleted me from all contact. I gathered evidence to prove my innocence, but she's not spoken to me since 14th August. I have messaged her three times since, I know she received the messages, but she is not responding. I don't want to be a creep and turn up at her home to talk. I am also convinced that she actually might not care about me at all.

Maybe it was your best friend's boyfriend's message. Maybe not. The specifics do not matter. I imagine your BPD loved one felt overwhelmed by her disordered feelings and decided to blame you for her feelings.

In any case, I don't want you to go on a wild goose hunt, trying to recollect what you could have specifically done or not done to have avoided this outcome. You need to consider, that the very things that you are seeking in a relationship with her: intimacy, closeness, family; these are the same things that aggravate her disorder.

This is not to say that it is impossible to have a relationship with someone with BPD. But the way you relate to a pwBPD needs to be managed in order to limit the degree of instability and intensity that will occur in such a relationship.

It has only been a month. It is short in the bigger scheme of things, however I cannot get her out of my mind. I struggle to accept that I was just another person to her. I love her despite the terrible treatment.

And as difficult is it may be to carry on a relationship with someone with BPD. It is also difficult to disengage and detach from such a relationship. Either choice presents significant (but different) challenges.

A part of me (heart) believes that we were meant to be and that the disorders are improvable and curable.

Recovery is possible, if the pwBPD choose such an endeavor. But this choice can be a very hard choice for many reasons I won't go into right now.

The sensible part of me (brain) is telling me to run as fast as I can and to come to the realisation that what we had wasn't real. Realistically I don't think there is anything to fight for because I lost her anyways. She does not want me.

For now, it seems that she is choosing to blame you for her disordered feelings rather than face the prospect that she has deep issues to work through (she has already admitted to having been diagnosed with BPD). But if this should change in the future, you will need to decide how best to move forward.

In any case, you are in the right place.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[amsheehy]

Hi MdW,

And

Do I rapidly do something or anything to move on or do I try and win her back? If I try and win her back, where do you start with a BPD person?

You seem undecided about whether or not you should try to win her back. And whether or not you will be given the opportunity to win her back is also up to your BPD loved one.

I'd like to explain some of my understanding of this disorder and relate it to your experience and hopefully this will help you make an appropriate choice as to how to move forward from here. Either way, whether you choose to disengage and detach or to work towards saving and improving your relationship, having a better understanding of the nature of this disorder will assist in your endeavor.

Our first 2 months together was out of this world. We agreed to take things slowly and did not sleep together for the first month of dating. We would go on dates that lasted until 4am in the weekday just to be together. We were both madly in love.

After the second month I started noticing strange behaviour. It did not happen gradually, it all happened on one night... .

She invited me for dinner at her place one evening. When I arrived I could sense her behaviour changed... .

As I understand it, for people with BPD (pwBPD) feelings of familiarity and intimacy seem to be a consistent trigger for their disordered feelings and behaviors. So this might be why, in the beginning of your relationship when your familiarity/intimacy was only beginning to develop, she did not exhibit many disordered behaviors. This allows the "honeymoon stage" to happen for pwBPD.  I imagine for her, she was elated with the prospect that perhaps with you, she would not experience any of these disordered feelings.

But for whatever reason, after the 2nd month she started to experience disordered feelings probably associated with fear of abandonment/betrayal (for some it is denigration). So in spite of your actual intentions and behavior, she felt very strongly that you would abandon her.  And for pwBPD, they try to reconcile their feelings with their intellectual understanding of their situation. But very often, for pwBPD, their disordered feelings overwhelm them to the point that their memories are reshaped to accommodate their disordered feelings.

There were suddenly long periods of silence and awkwardness and I told her I had to go home. She started crying, begged me not to leave her and hysterically and ran to the kitchen. I asked her to tell me what I could do as I did not know how to make her feel better. She then opened the window on the fifth floor of her apartment and threatened to kill herself by jumping if I left.

And it is in reaction to this disordered perception that they will be abandoned (real or imagined), that they will make frantic efforts in order to avoid this abandonment. Some pwBPD will use the threat of suicide to avoid abandonment (real or imagined).

From there on it just got worst, more moments of silence, she didn't trust me, accused me of speaking to people in a rude way (I'm the most polite person there is), told me I was co-dependant, controlling, possessive. She even told me she did not like the way I was looking at her. We went from seeing each other 4 times a week to once a week. Then she started breaking up with me, randomly for no reason.

You see, even though she could see outwardly that you felt lovingly towards her, her disordered feelings reshaped her perception. She (imagined) that you could not be trusted, because she felt that she would be betrayed.

She began to seek distance from you -- likely because it was her feeling of closeness to you that was triggering these disordered feelings and thoughts.

And the best way to avoid abandonment is to be the one who abandons first, and so she breaks up with you. And after her disordered feelings subside, she'd return, but only until her disordered feelings were triggered again. etc.

I had to cancel my 32nd birthday party because she broke up with me the day before in June 2016. She then broke up with me officially at the rearranged birthday party in July whilst I was hosting 40 of my friends.

I've noticed that occasions of familial or intimate importance, such as birthdays, family celebrations, anniversaries, weddings, can be significant triggers for their disordered feelings.

Unfortunately something coincidental and terrible happened. The day after we agreed that we'd speak in September or October - leaving things on good terms, my best friend's boyfriend messaged her something inexplicable which made her think I broke her trust. She blocked and deleted me from all contact. I gathered evidence to prove my innocence, but she's not spoken to me since 14th August. I have messaged her three times since, I know she received the messages, but she is not responding. I don't want to be a creep and turn up at her home to talk. I am also convinced that she actually might not care about me at all.

Maybe it was your best friend's boyfriend's message. Maybe not. The specifics do not matter. I imagine your BPD loved one felt overwhelmed by her disordered feelings and decided to blame you for her feelings.

In any case, I don't want you to go on a wild goose hunt, trying to recollect what you could have specifically done or not done to have avoided this outcome. You need to consider, that the very things that you are seeking in a relationship with her: intimacy, closeness, family; these are the same things that aggravate her disorder.

This is not to say that it is impossible to have a relationship with someone with BPD. But the way you relate to a pwBPD needs to be managed in order to limit the degree of instability and intensity that will occur in such a relationship.

It has only been a month. It is short in the bigger scheme of things, however I cannot get her out of my mind. I struggle to accept that I was just another person to her. I love her despite the terrible treatment.

And as difficult is it may be to carry on a relationship with someone with BPD. It is also difficult to disengage and detach from such a relationship. Either choice presents significant (but different) challenges.

A part of me (heart) believes that we were meant to be and that the disorders are improvable and curable.

Recovery is possible, if the pwBPD choose such an endeavor. But this choice can be a very hard choice for many reasons I won't go into right now.

The sensible part of me (brain) is telling me to run as fast as I can and to come to the realisation that what we had wasn't real. Realistically I don't think there is anything to fight for because I lost her anyways. She does not want me.

For now, it seems that she is choosing to blame you for her disordered feelings rather than face the prospect that she has deep issues to work through (she has already admitted to having been diagnosed with BPD). But if this should change in the future, you will need to decide how best to move forward.

In any case, you are in the right place.

Best wishes,

Schwing

Damn, well said!  Couldn't agree more.