need help

[Mark irish]

My partner  I love her to bits but getting  to a stage don't feel like it's a relationship  like only I am the one putting  any work  in intro to talk about  issues she will flip out start roaring  at me ans saying  I'm causing  her to be this way and she does not want to talk ans if I talked  about  her behaviour  I'm.the bad one for makeing  her feel bad for what she has done I just can't win  or resolve  the issues I talked about  us seeing  help she lost  it told me not to ever bring it up again and sex or intimacy  is very little few times 4 to 6 months at a time mostly

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

  Glad you found us, but sorry you are dealing with what feels like a one sided relationship, where you are trying to make things better. How long have you been together? Married? Any children? Has she been diagnosed with BPD?

If indeed she has BPD, discussing her part in the relationship is likely to feel blaming and shaming no matter how gently you approach the issue. Part and parcel of BPD is deep seated shame and self loathing. That’s why some attempts to *work things out* have gone astray and backfired in ways you had no clue about.

However, there are ways to make things better more indirectly without her participation. Check out the Tools at the top of this page, and tell us more about what’s going on.

[Mark irish]

Nearly  6 years together  and have a young child she got it done formally  years ago I didn't  know much about  it but the first stage  does pull you in things feel amazing  like found your perfect  match then things go sideways I have tried the whole we as a team need to work on going forward  the second  I bring things up they will get loud straight  away saying I don't want to talk about  this and also  won't with a doc as she did years ago before we got together  and it went bad they went in a bad spiral  I was told hate when wake up thinking  what  kind of day will it be today and why did I even wake up today when work my self to bits for this relationship  I don't give up easly  trying every way I can think of from wording  to seeing  about  outside help for us to jist having  a light chat I explained  how the behaviour  hurts me a lot over the years I've even broken  down a good bit and it's passed off or just ignored

[Cat Familiar]

Since she is basically unwilling to talk about the relationship with a therapist, why not find an individual therapist who is experienced with BPD (not all are) and do some individual counseling.

What you can learn here is how to not trigger her emotionally as much, and how to protect yourself emotionally when it does happen, and it will.

Therapy can help you work on specific issues, even without her participation. Also having someone who understands the difficulties you are facing is incredibly helpful and supportive. If we don’t have support, it’s so easy to feel rundown by these relationships.

You’re not here to fix her. It won’t happen unless she’s motivated to do so, and seldom are people with BPD interested in getting involved with therapy. What you can do is learn what works and what doesn’t and how to do more of the former and less of the latter.

[Mark irish]

Il have a look around  as their is only so much I can mentally  and physically  do myself  I don't feel she wants to move forward  of even sees  the issues with the high and lows  feels like I live in a mad house see I'm austic  so for me things need to be logical  and make sence il keep trying  to make sence spend days on things trying  to figure  a solution

[SaltyDawg]

Mark,

   I feel the same exact way, and your story is nearly identical to mine, except the timing differences and the number of children.

   Cat has some great advice, and has neatly summarized it; however, if you want to do a deep dive, in addition to the tools that she mentioned read on...

   I am going to recommend two books, one to get your head around the illogical 'logic' of what is happening, and the other to see your own role as a 'caretaker' and what to do about it.

“Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger [3rd Edition]

“Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life” by Margalis Fjelstad

   When I first read these books, the concepts were very foreign, like a foreign language; however, they will eventually become crystal clear [took me half a year] after learning about it.

   I will wrap this up, with my number one piece of advice, and that is to do 'self-care' - make sure it includes individual therapy [for yourself], exercise outdoors [as simple as a walk], among other activities that you enjoy doing to recharge your spirit.

   If you have any questions, please feel free to ask, and take care.

SD

P.S.  Another great section to learn about being with a person with BPD [pwBPD] is:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0

[outhere]

feels like I live in a mad house see I'm austic  so for me things need to be logical  and make sence il keep trying  to make sence spend days on things trying  to figure  a solution

Hi Mark.  I don't have autism but I am a computer programmer and I can seriously relate to this!  The only logic lies in the hurt at the bottom of the illness - there is no logic to be found in the behavior itself.  You may have noticed that there are cues that they are about to 'explode' and at that point you can say to yourself "I am no longer dealing with my partner who I love, I am dealing with their traumatized inner child who is hurting but doesn't know how to process those feelings and is lashing out at the world chaotically".

[Mark irish]

I have tried to think that way and even talked about  it that I'm not upset  with you it's yr actions and I want to move forward  like she is a kind amazing  woman but when that side comes out it's mad as I've a lot myself  I mask heavy  every day to get things done I've the pressure  to be the level head sometimes I need a cuddle and flake out to unwind my head when I'm overwhelmed  for days been burnt out for months pushing  past it I like goals to push towards  but don't think it will work

[outhere]

I totally hear you and am suffering major caregiver burnout myself.  Speaking to a therapist has helped me immensely as well as reading books on the subject (Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist) and participating in the forums here.  You said that your pwBPD is diagnosed but does not currently attend therapy.  I suggest that you find gentle ways to convince her (when she is not in 'meltdown' mode) to accept her diagnoses and see how important it is for her to get treatment.  Perhaps something like "Dear, what happened yesterday is very disturbing.  I see that you are suffering deeply and I think it would be helpful for you to speak to someone about it.  There are specialists in BPD who can help you using a method called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.  What do you think?"

[Mark irish]

The second  I bring up anything  I'm.the bad one and I'm.the one picking  on her and how dare I talk that way to her gets super defensive  and loud straight  away like I've to put up and shut up she can act how she wants to and I've to deal with it the confusion  for me is that if I adress  the behaviour  I'm makeing her feel bad for hwe own actions blaming her on everything  and I think I'm.perfect I'm.100%lost when this all happends

[Cat Familiar]

the confusion  for me is that if I adress  the behaviour  I'm makeing her feel bad for hwe own actions blaming her on everything  and I think I'm.perfect I'm.100%lost when this all happends

Well, her strategy works, doesn’t it? It gets you to back off.

[Mark irish]

Am I better to put thr foot down or just keep walking  on egg shells