Not sure what to do

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been a fairly calm time recently, and I've been thinking that maybe if we move, I can be clear in my mind again.

Then, this morning, he couldn't find a piece of paper that he needed. I haven't touched it, nor seen it, since he got it, and he's just trashed our home looking for it. And he's blaming me because I'm untidy.

He doesn't believe that I used to be very organised. Before I started intensive therapy, I was in a fairly calm relationship, although I was a pushover, and I had a nice place of my own, and I cleaned all the time and did my paperwork. Now, I'm just overwhelmed.

And last week, we came face to face with my ex who beat and raped me, and he and his wife would not let me have a quiet drink with friends, they made a scene and called me out as a liar... . and my mind is mush. My brain feels like scrambled egg.

My husband doesn't believe me when I say I sit indoors all day and stare at the walls, but I do. When I'm stressed, I just shut off. Why can he not see that screaming over the slightest thing is NOT NORMAL?

And I never know when he's going to yell, either. I can see some triggers, then sometimes I can't.

He has his suitcase out right now, as I said he should just leave. He won't. If he had friends over here, he could at least go away for a few days and think about how he treats me. He can't exactly fly across the world right now.

My case worker agrees that he seems to feel the need to be looked after, when I do too. I have post traumatic stress, and he just glosses over it, and doesn't listen. I considered suicide this week because I don't feel like I can get out so easily, and I just cannot see myself living the rest of my life like this.

[halfnelson]

It's been a fairly calm time recently, and I've been thinking that maybe if we move, I can be clear in my mind again.

Then, this morning, he couldn't find a piece of paper that he needed. I haven't touched it, nor seen it, since he got it, and he's just trashed our home looking for it. And he's blaming me because I'm untidy.

He doesn't believe that I used to be very organised. Before I started intensive therapy, I was in a fairly calm relationship, although I was a pushover, and I had a nice place of my own, and I cleaned all the time and did my paperwork. Now, I'm just overwhelmed.

And last week, we came face to face with my ex who beat and raped me, and he and his wife would not let me have a quiet drink with friends, they made a scene and called me out as a liar... . and my mind is mush. My brain feels like scrambled egg.

My husband doesn't believe me when I say I sit indoors all day and stare at the walls, but I do. When I'm stressed, I just shut off. Why can he not see that screaming over the slightest thing is NOT NORMAL?

And I never know when he's going to yell, either. I can see some triggers, then sometimes I can't.

He has his suitcase out right now, as I said he should just leave. He won't. If he had friends over here, he could at least go away for a few days and think about how he treats me. He can't exactly fly across the world right now.

My case worker agrees that he seems to feel the need to be looked after, when I do too. I have post traumatic stress, and he just glosses over it, and doesn't listen. I considered suicide this week because I don't feel like I can get out so easily, and I just cannot see myself living the rest of my life like this.

[Surnia]

I am so sorry, halfnelson, you have and had to deal with really a lot. 

I am worried about your situation - may I ask you did you speak with your therapist about your suicidal thoughts? If not, I would strongly recommend to make an appointment and do so.

We care about you, halfnelson.

[heartandwhole]

Hi halfnelson,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.  It's very painful to feel misunderstood and to be confronted with a very hurtful past, like you were last week.  No wonder you feel overwhelmed, I know I would, too. 

How are you feeling today, halfnelson?  We're here for you. 

[halfnelson]

Hi,

I had a very long day today, mostly just sleeping. After I posted, he calmed down and unpacked his bag. We went to the shops and he chucked a tantrum, so I left him to his own devices!

Right now, we are at home, but I am just leaving him in the lounge to listen to music and do his own thing. He had today off work, so he's been here all day, but we check in with each other every so often, and have done some cooking together. I also woke to find he had cleaned our entire home from top to bottom!

So, I'm learning my untidy nature is not helping his clean tendencies... . I have to work on that, for myself more than anything.

He admits he hates how angry he gets and wants to change- possibly anger managment may help. I do believe some long term therapy is what he needs, but as he's not a British Citizen, we're not sure what he is entitled to yet. A private therapist would cost a lot, but group therapy is really the best to learn about how he feels. I also found a meetup group in London, which isn't therapeutic, but it might be good to meet other people who relate to BPD and he could meet some understanding friends?


I did talk to someone about my suicidal feelings and I am feeling a lot better now.

I got into a bleak place, and I don't think that was entirely from him. Seeing the abusive ex seemed to trigger a lot of uncomfortable feelings. How can you not see someone for almost a decade, and then when you travel halfway across the country, you find yourself in their local drinking hole?

The hippy in me says it's some sort of 'life lesson'!


Thank you for your concern. It's good to just vent and know there are people who can empathise.

[Surnia]

Hi halfnelson

Good to hear you had a better day today and that you could speak with someone.

Yes, supporting people and accepting the own life lessons - sounds like a path.   

[maxsterling]

There's definitely a few things here I can relate to.  Dealing with a pwBPD can suck the life out of you, and leave little time to handle your own issues.  I'm glad to hear you found someone to talk to about what has been on your mind and tackle some of the stress you have been under.  I definitely agree about the screaming.  I don't even know if I could raise my voice and scream if I wanted to, and I just don't think screaming at another person is acceptable, ever.  I don't understand how the pwBPD can raise their voice and scream so easily.  It's terrifying to listen to.