>Recent breakup

[Phoenix106]

My gf of 18 months - she has broken up with me about six times - She reversed the break up the day after on five times and then after two weeks on the other time.

This time feels different –  I took my teenage daughter to Europe for 10 days and my girlfriend was so happy for me and telling me how much she loved me and couldn't wait to see my pictures when I returned.  Into the trip her text messages turned from Love to indifference and upon returning she had a huge meltdown and attacked me verbally in an intensity that I have never even imagined possible. .  The next day she sent me a text message sincerely apologizing and telling me that she does love me and that she's just having anxieties about our relationship but that does not give her an excuse to treat me like crap.


She asked me for some space so she could deal with some personal issues and after about a month called me yesterday and told me that she didn't feel like we were in a relationship anymore and essentially broke up with me.  I told her it hadn't been my choice to give her that much space but she had asked for it.  She seemed to take the fact that I was not in crisis during our break to be an indicator that I didn't need her (?). She also seems entirely detached from the relationship ... but I will say that she was very kind and sweet and told me I was the gold standard.  Those made it easier.  There was also an undertone that I should have no trouble getting over her and I thought I picked up an implication that she didn't feel that she had much to offer me.

She said she didn't have anything to give and right now the relationship was not right for her even though she still loves me with all of her heart. (?)

I see our relationship as quite dysfunctional - she won't talk about her mental health issues although she has stated that she plans to try to get some sort of help in the next couple of months when she changes jobs and has health insurance. 


My dilemma is whether I should just walk away ad have a fairly pleasant break up at this point... Or should I try to spend more time with her so that she will not have me out of sight and out of mind..  in other  words, is our relationship implosion due to a symptom of her BPD (and could be reversed with quality time)?  Before I went to Europe she told me a number of times that she was happy and contented in our relationship.

She says that she wants to talk more and hang out sometime.

I'm treating this break up as if it is the real thing and trying to detach and heal but at the same time I do have deep love.  It seems so harsh in this moment to think there is absolutely no hope except to walk away because I am now a "trigger"?  Is this a universal rule? 

I've seen that >40% of untreated people with people with BPD had long-term relationship > 5 years. (A fairly high % have ling terms marriages as I understsnd.) (?) How does this happen there's always an inevitable final discard?

We were together 18 months as of yesterday.

Thank you so much for offering perspective it's deeply appreciated.

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[Pook075]

Hello Phoenix and welcome to the family.  I'm very sorry you're going through this and I wish your story wasn't so common.  My marriage ended in a very similar way.

To recap what happened from her viewpoint, things were pretty good until you went on a 10-day trip with your kid.  That gave her 10 days to wonder if you were abandoning her and what she should do about it, and as you said her tone changed throughout the week.  Every time you said to her "great trip so far", it could have made her think, "how can he be so happy with me at home?!?"  So she sort of self-sabotaged the whole thing in her mind...which is a very common trait with BPD.

In terms of what to do, now is a time to be a little selfish and focus on yourself- physically and mentally.  Heal from this and learn from it, so no matter what happens you're prepared for whatever comes next.  It is possible that everything works out if you want it to, and it would help to go through the "tools" section at the top of the page.

Please let us know what you need and again, welcome to the family!